College Essay係列（二）
頂級文書の傳奇1990
今天聊聊著名的3A Essay。這篇被稱為3A文書的作品，可稱30年來College Essay界的最大phenomenon。當年，此文一出，連報業老大華爾街時報都坐不住了，出來專訪作者。當年還是一個18歲高中生的Hugh Gallagher，現在已成為一位作家、音樂人、幽默家等身份下的紐約客，時常為出版公司Newsweek，Wired、Harper’s和音樂公司Rolling Stone執筆撰稿。
這篇之所以被叫作3A Essay，跟其主題根本沒有關係，而是因為這篇文書是對應1989-1990年度NYU申請表的3A欄命題的回答。當年的Essay Prompt是這樣的：
3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
看清楚，3A是一篇non-required essay題目。原來，用好一切機會讓招生官們了解並欣賞自己，這一點一直都很重要啊。
1990年的NYU，在US News上還沒有排名，而錄取率還高達56%。如果你們覺得拿下這樣的錄取看起來沒什麽了不起，那麽拿它贏下當年的Scholastic Writing Contest最高獎項呢？這篇文書的爆出，就是因為贏了這個1923年開始的、美國中學生文書的最高級別比賽。這相當於拿下Math Count或者Spelling Bee全國冠軍。
大家可能看出來了，1990年的時候，美本還沒有今天這麽“內卷”。那年頭連哈佛都大方地錄取20%多的申請人。AO們的生活看起來還很愜意，每天處理5份申請。所以那時候，他們有大把的時間和心情，消耗在你們寫給他們的ardent love letter、audacious self bragging、onerous spelling bee。
這樣的條件下，以這篇3A Essay申請大學，是一個可承受的風險。總有一個AO會有時間，在承受了一大篇exaggeration帶給他的confusion if not rejection 之後，終於讀到作者在文末才抖出來的包袱”-- But I have not yet gone to college”。
這篇幽默的文書最奇特之處，就在於它的 mocking description of the narrator in a full page of details of irrelevance，然後在結束的時間點上抖出真實的主題來收尾。隻有劇場裏買了票的觀眾，才會堅持不在故事的中途就棄場。要是用在今天日理萬機的AO麵前，那申請者就等於自暴自棄了。
無論從立意、結構、細節和詞句任何一個方麵，3A Essay都堪稱一篇頂級文書。但是，傳奇隻能留在早就它的90年代。Oh, the good old days！觀察美本文書的曆史，1990後的20年，可稱為20 years of boredom。大家都像在參與不斷升級的love、brag或spell contests，也有不少人複製Gallagher式的幽默，且偶有成功。隨著申請量增長，每份申請的處理時間不斷縮減。AO們讀文書時的耐心，也在與時俱減中。
1990年：3A Essay
Hugh Gallagher, Author and Musician
NYU
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello...I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire, I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail...Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration...My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
（未完待續）
