老實說,我讀這本書的動機不純。
李翊雲算是美國的華裔作家中成就最大的一位了,發表了很多作品,但是以前她從不同意將自己的作品翻譯成中文,也從未用中文寫作過。為什麽?而且為什麽現在又同意了呢?我不免有些好奇。
我以前僅讀過她的成名作《A Thousand Years of Good Prayers》(千年敬祈)。當時的印象是:嗯,很標準的美國創意寫作班出來的作品。就此丟開,沒有再讀過她的作品了。去年底,今年初,李翊雲第一本中譯本書上市《我該走了嗎》,在國內文壇上小熱了一把。我仍拿不定主意要不要讀讀她。
可是二月下旬,聽聞她19歲的小兒子出事故身亡(新聞裏說疑是自殺)。網上瀏覽新聞時,才發現原來李翊雲一直患抑鬱症,曾經兩度自殺未遂,又聽聞她的大兒子在16歲時自殺。還是新聞裏得來的消息,原來李翊雲的原生家庭中,她的母親是個暴君,她說她們家隻有一個孩子,那就是她母親。。。
天啊,這是一個什麽樣的家庭?看了這樣的新聞,我難免會想,這兩個孩子的死亡也是他們外婆的錯嗎?尤其是新聞中有這麽一句話:2017年,李翊雲出版回憶錄《親愛的朋友》,講述自己患上抑鬱症的經曆。但在該書出版幾個月後,她的長子文森自殺身亡。。。
這本書說了些什麽?不知她的大兒子生前是否讀過?天啊,我太八卦了,但是我還是找來了這本書Dear Friend, from My life I Write to You in Your Life 。好拗口的書名。這個書名其實是女作家凱瑟琳·曼斯菲爾德說的一句話。
這是一本十分沉重的書,讀它,像是不小心闖入了別人的心裏,你拿不準這些話是不是對你說的。全書充斥著兩個問題:生命是無意義的。這樣的人生值得活嗎?圍繞著“死亡”、圍繞著“這一生值不值得活”有太多的思考與喃喃自語。當然,這一切都參雜在作者讀其他作者的書信、日記時的感受裏,並串以自己的一些生活經曆,包括她在中國的生活、她兩度入院治療抑鬱症的經曆,以及她身為作者參加一些活動到倫敦、愛爾蘭、與其他作家的互動。
有幾年,她沒有寫作,她讀了大量的其他作家的書信日記,她說:“I have convinced myself that reading letters and journals is a way of having a conversation with those writers.”這正是我此時的感覺。
我感覺,她年輕時活得很壓抑,由於身材微豐,在學校裏可能受人嘲笑。而在家裏,她的母親是家庭的暴君。她的父親無法保護她和姐姐。父親把一切歸於宿命。母親喜歡她,不喜歡她的姐姐,所以每當母親生氣時,姐姐和父親指望她來救場,而母親卻指責她辜負了她。她說這種被愛是一種十分沉重的負擔。
她竭力擺脫母親的影響:
Writing is the only part of my life I have taken beyond my mother’s storytelling. I have avoided writing in an autobiographical voice because I cannot bear that it could be overwritten by my mother’s omniscience. I can easily see all other parts of my life in her narrative: my marriage, my children, my past. Just as she demands to come into my narrative, I demand to be left out of hers. There is no way to change that; not a happy ending, not even an ending is possible.
但我覺得收效甚微,可能這種影響已經潛入她的整個身心,因為她說:
I had never in my life harmed or destroyed an object out of uncontrollable emotions: not a door slammed, not a plate or a cup smashed, not a piece of paper torn into pieces……
多麽壓抑啊,她需要發泄,需要痛快地敞開她的心,該笑就笑,該哭就哭,想生氣時無須顧忌太多。但可能,她並沒有,或不能夠。這樣的結果會是什麽呢:
though I have resisted forming an attachment to any object, or any place. I wished then and I wish now that I had never formed an attachment to anyone in the world either.
想想看,萬一她的孩子正在生與死的邊緣徘徊時,看到這些話會怎麽想?
另外,在書中,她解釋了為何要用英語寫作 (P108)
Would you ever consider writing in Chinese? an editor from China asked, as many had asked before. I said I doubted it. But don’t you want to be part of contemporary Chinese literature? he asked. I have declined to have my books translated into Chinese, which is understood by some as odiously pretentious. Once in a while my mother will comment, hinting at my selfishness, that I have deprived her of the pleasure of reading my books. But Chinese was never my private language. And it will never be.
別人說她的小說不關心時政,她對此的答複是:
It has been pointed out by some critics that my fiction is not political enough. A young man confronted me at a reading, questioning my disinterest in being a political writer. A journalist in China told me that most writers believe in their historical responsibility toward our time. Why can’t you live up to that expectation? they ask, and my reply, if I were to give one, is this: I have spent much of my life turning away from the scripts given to me, in China and in America; my refusal to be defined by the will of others is my one and only political statement.
通過她的文字,妄圖揣測她的人生故事,我這樣做真是不太好。但是讀完後,加上2月剛發生的事,我很有點為她擔心,希望她能度過這個難關。。。2012年她因自殺入院治療時,一位護士試圖開導她,問她為什麽這麽悲傷,她說:"Can't I just be left alone in my sadness?"
So, I might as well shut up right here.
真的非常Sad的家庭悲劇。