"How could you have ruined my life cheating on me with that skanky chic?" Tears welled up, as Paula lamented Steve's betrayal of her.
Sighing loudly Steve said "That was 20 years ago and you're still harping on it."
Tears turned to taut facial muscles "I was pregnant with our first child and I needed you more than ever. But no, you came home all hours of the night, drunk, saturated with her cheap perfume. Why'd you do it?"
"I don't know why. I was out of my mind. I apologized a million times for it, but you can't let it go." Steve raised his voice in exasperation.
Getting more worked up, Paula's face turned crimson. "How can I let it go, when you don't even know why you betrayed me with that tramp? That means you could do it again, anytime."
Trying in vain to keep calm, Steve's anger won out as he bellowed "I haven't cheated in 20 years, but it is not easy. I'm warning you. What's a guy to do if his wife won't have sex with him?"
"You're just no good, just like your father who cheated on your mother. Her cancer that killed her, well he killed her. I'm not going to die of cancer." Paula delivered the ultimate punishment of blaming her husband for her unwillingness to forgive him.
Steve agreed with her, and added some insight. "The way you eat yourself up over this, you may end up dead." He was right on.
This then is the problem. That Steve cheated is a breach in the relationship ─a loss of trust, a violation of the vows of loyalty, a blow to Paula's self-esteem. What exasperates the problem is that Paula cannot forgive Steve and move on. It is not that she stopped loving him nor is it that she does not want the relationship. It's that she is stuck. She still holds a grudge, and wants revenge which she does by withholding sex.
Not only is the relationship in peril when you are unwilling to forgive, but according to the research, your own health is jeopardized.
But how do you go about forgiving your partner if they have betrayed you with infidelity?
Here are the steps to forgiveness.
• Tell your partner exactly how you feel, the pain, the disappointment, the anguish, the self doubts, and so on.
• No doubt he will apologize.
• Then ask him how he feels about hurting you. Does he feel remorse, guilty? If so, you can begin to think of forgiveness.
• If he does not feel remorse or guilt, and blames you for the betrayal, reexamine the relationship and see it this is really what you want. If not, begin to take steps to end the relationship.
• Hopefully he does feel guilty. Than get in touch with your needs and tell him what you want from him so that he can repair the damage.
• If he acts on his words you are almost there
• Finally, you must humble yourself by getting in touch with times you inadvertently hurt someone. Although the offense may not match the gravity of his, you no doubt have acted in a way to hurt someone else.
• Now you can empathize with your partner and that is the key. Indeed the research shows that empathy and forgiveness are located in the same areas of the brain.
Committed relationships can be dicey, but life is not forever. Holding a grudge or seeking revenge only squeezes the life out of a relationship and out of your physical and emotional well-being.
