男女性家庭暴力受害者的異同以及男性受害者的特別注意事項

由禦樹林楓節選翻譯

針對男性的家庭暴力與針對女性的家庭暴力非常相似，以肢體虐待、感情虐待、語言虐待和經濟虐待為形式。 -- Jan Brown ， 家庭暴力男性熱線執行理事和奠基人。 （按：針對女性的家庭暴力往往還有性虐待。）

Jan Brown 說： 如同針對女性的家庭暴力，在針對男性的家庭暴力中的施虐伴侶會：

· 用拒絕給予讚同、感激或感情來作為懲罰

· 指責、謾罵或喊叫

· 拿走鑰匙和錢

· 常規地威脅要離開你或趕你出去

· 威脅要傷害你或家人

· 當生你的氣時懲罰孩子或剝奪你的孩子

· 威脅如果你要離開就綁架孩子

· 虐待或傷害你的寵物

· 騷擾你在公眾中已經建立的配偶形象

· 用謊言和駁斥來操縱你

· 毀壞家具，在牆上鑿洞、破壞電器

· 以威脅的方式揮舞刀 / 槍

· 生氣事打、踢、推搡、咬、吐唾沫或扔東西

區別

Brown 解釋說，受害的男性和女性的一個非常不同點是：根據家庭暴力男性熱線的網頁，男人更容易因為遭受虐待而感覺尷尬，更不會報告， 他們經常擔心“如果人們知道我被一個女人痛毆，人家會怎麽想？”“我不想被嘲笑，沒人會相信我。”

另一個非常不同點是：根據對家庭暴力受害婦女的調查，當女人被虐待時，她們會被推搡、毆打或被槍威脅；女人施虐時，會扔東西、踢或咬，抄家夥打、威脅用刀，或實際使用刀。

也許最重要的區別在於：打人的女人更能夠利用“體製”來處於有利地位。

“一個虐待丈夫或男友的女人威脅說如果男人離開或報告虐待就再也見不到孩子” Philip Cook Stop Abuse for Everyone 的項目主任說，“陷入這種局麵的男人相信無論妻子或女友做了什麽，法庭會把孩子撫養權判給她們。這限製了男性受害者離開暴力。當一個女人被虐待，這會發生；當一個女人施虐，這也會發生。”

《 Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence 》的作者 Cook 解釋：女人也能夠利用體製來占優勢 — 如果報警後對家庭暴力有爭議時，她們不太會被逮捕。

“沒有關於婦女因家庭暴力有爭議而被逮捕的平均比率的國家數據” Cook 說。“我的最好估計是 20% 。但是我們的確知道這樣的事情：警察來了，男人清晰地有最嚴重的傷，分別談話明確表明是女方發起的，然而，男人被逮捕了。這確有發生。”

那麽，男人被虐待了能在哪裏得到支持；采取哪些步驟可以使他們他們離開危險境地？

第一步是伸手求助

“ The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men 是美國唯一專門為男性尋求支持幫助的資源，”從這個非盈利熱線來的 Brown 說。“我們會提供選擇並且支持幫助男人懂得：虐待不是他的錯；虐待是不能接受的。 . 從全國可以撥打 [phone] ，然後輸入密碼 0757 來接通 The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men ，一天 24 小時，一周 7 天。

其他熱線， 如 National Domestic Violence Hotline ，也能為男性提供支持，但是不像 Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men 這樣為男性特製。

“人們應當知道虐待是操控，無論受害者是男還是女，虐待永遠是不可以的。” the National Domestic Violence Hotline 媒體關係協調人 Havilah Tower-Perkins 說，“我們敦促任何處在恐怖關係中的人撥打 (800) 799-SAFE (7233) 接通 National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) ，或者耳障 TTY 專線 [phone] 。 熱線每天 24 小時值班，支持人員常年會回答問題、討論安全選項並且為呼叫人聯係當地資源。與 NDVH 通話是匿名的。”

停止虐待

被虐待的男性可以采取的其他步驟包括：

“不要讓自己被激怒而進行任何形式的報複。” Brown 說。“我們告訴男人如果他們不得不爭吵，要在一個有兩個門的房間進行以便脫身；女人經常會堵住門，男人試圖把她挪開，這將足以讓他被逮捕。”

“記錄所有的事情，” Cook 說。“去看醫生告訴醫生所發生的，即使醫生不問你是怎麽受的傷。給你的傷處照相，並且確定叫來的警察寫報告，自己要得到一份拷貝。”

“和一個來自家庭暴力項目的專業支持者合作來得到一個限製令，” Brown 說。“限製令不僅可以保護你不受暴力伴侶的傷害，而且限製令可以允許你申請臨時撫養權來保護孩子不受家庭暴力的傷害。”

得到谘詢服務，這樣你可以開始恢複，並且得到法律上的建議， Cook 說。

同能支持你的家人和朋友談。“他們會理解，” Brown 說。

“施虐者善於使你感覺被隔離和孤獨，但是你不是，” Brown 說。“各種各樣的人給我們打電話 —-- 醫生、律師、勞工和軍隊裏的人員。他們麵臨最大的難題是找到相信他們的人。如果他們被信任，他們就能得到幫助，這就是我們在這裏的原因。”

Help for Battered Men

Domestic violence befalls mostly women, but men are victims, too.

WebMD Feature

Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario

More than 830,000 men fall victim to domestic violence every year, which means every 37.8 seconds, somewhere in America a man is battered, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey. While more than 1.5 million women are also victims, everyone -- no matter their sex --deserves help.

"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man."

There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in the U.S., but Brown says very few actually offer the same services to men as they do women. So where can a man turn for support when he is being abused? Domestic violence experts offer advice for men who may be falling through the cracks.

Abuse Against Men

"Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Brown. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial."

As with abuse against women, Brown explains that abuse against men can mean a partner or spouse will:

Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment

Criticize, name call, or shout

Take away your car keys or money

Regularly threaten to leave or to make you leave

Threaten to hurt you or a family member

Punish or deprive your children when angry at you

Threaten to kidnap the children if you leave

Abuse or hurt your pets

Harass you about affairs your spouse imagines you are having

Manipulate you with lies and contradictions

Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances

Wield a gun/knife in a threatening way

Hit, kick, shove, punch, bite, spit, or throw things when upset

In one instance, Brown received a letter from a woman who said her brother was being abused by his wife, who would scratch him, throw things at him, point a gun at him, break his eyeglasses, and flush his medications down the toilet -- among other things.

"The sister said in her letter that her brother stitched a cut on his arm himself, with a thread and needle, because his wife had cut him and he didn't want to go to the hospital," says Brown. "Can you imagine being so embarrassed that your wife hits you that you do that?"

Distinguishing Factors

That is a distinguishing factor between battered women and battered men, explains Brown: Men -- like this one -- are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making them less likely to report it, according to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men web site, which states men often worry, "What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" and "I don't want to be laughed at; no one would believe me."

Another distinguishing factor is that while women who are abused are more likely to be pushed or shoved, beat up, or threatened with a gun, the women who do the abusing are more likely to throw something, kick or bite, hit with an object, threaten with a knife, or actually use a knife, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.

And perhaps the most important difference is that women who batter may have a greater ability to use the "system" to their advantage.

"Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone. "A man caught in this situation believes that no matter what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave. While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is more likely to happen when a woman is abusing."

Women, explains Cook, who is author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, may also be able to use the system to their advantage in that they are less likely to be arrested if police are called as a result of a domestic dispute.

"There is no national data on average arrest rates for women in domestic disputes," says Cook. "My best guess is that it's about 20%. But we do know anecdotally that there are many men who, when the police arrive, clearly have the most serious injury, clearly when interviewed separately indicate the female started it, and nonetheless, the man gets arrested. This does indeed happen."

So where can men who are being abused turn for support, and what steps should they take to get out of dangerous situations?

Getting Help

The first step in getting help is reaching out.

"The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in the nation that offers support and help in finding resources specifically for men," says Brown, of the not-for-profit helpline. "We'll provide options and support and help a man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not acceptable. The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men can be reached from anywhere in the nation, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling [phone]       and entering PIN number 0757."

Other helplines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, can also offer support to men but aren't as tailored to do so as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men.

"What people should know is that abuse is about power and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man or a woman, it is never OK," says Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. "We urge anyone whose relationship scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE       (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: [phone]      . The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous."

Stopping the Abuse

Other steps for men who are being abused to take include:

"Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the door, the man will try to move her, and that will be enough for him to get arrested."

"Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask how you were injured. Take photographs of your injuries, and make sure if the police are called that they take a report, and get a copy of the report for yourself."

"Work with an advocate from a domestic violence program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not only will this help protect you from an abusive partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary custody of your children in order to protect them from the domestic violence."

Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal advice, says Cook.

Talk with your family and friends who can help support you. "They will understand," says Brown.

"Abusers are good at making you feel isolated and alone, but you're not," says Brown. "We get calls from all types of people -- doctors, lawyers, laborers, people in the military. The biggest hurdle they face is finding someone who believes them. If they are believed, they can get help, and that's why we're here."

"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man."

There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in the U.S., but Brown says very few actually offer the same services to men as they do women. So where can a man turn for support when he is being abused? Domestic violence experts offer advice for men who may be falling through the cracks.

Abuse Against Men

"Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Brown. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial."

As with abuse against women, Brown explains that abuse against men can mean a partner or spouse will:

Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment

Criticize, name call, or shout

Take away your car keys or money

Regularly threaten to leave or to make you leave

Threaten to hurt you or a family member

Punish or deprive your children when angry at you

Threaten to kidnap the children if you leave

Abuse or hurt your pets

Harass you about affairs your spouse imagines you are having

Manipulate you with lies and contradictions

Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances

Wield a gun/knife in a threatening way

Hit, kick, shove, punch, bite, spit, or throw things when upset

Distinguishing Factors

That is a distinguishing factor between battered women and battered men, explains Brown: Men -- like this one -- are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making them less likely to report it, according to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men web site, which states men often worry, "What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" and "I don't want to be laughed at; no one would believe me."

Another distinguishing factor is that while women who are abused are more likely to be pushed or shoved, beat up, or threatened with a gun, the women who do the abusing are more likely to throw something, kick or bite, hit with an object, threaten with a knife, or actually use a knife, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.

And perhaps the most important difference is that women who batter may have a greater ability to use the "system" to their advantage.

"Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone. "A man caught in this situation believes that no matter what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave. While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is more likely to happen when a woman is abusing."

Women, explains Cook, who is author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, may also be able to use the system to their advantage in that they are less likely to be arrested if police are called as a result of a domestic dispute.

"There is no national data on average arrest rates for women in domestic disputes," says Cook. "My best guess is that it's about 20%. But we do know anecdotally that there are many men who, when the police arrive, clearly have the most serious injury, clearly when interviewed separately indicate the female started it, and nonetheless, the man gets arrested. This does indeed happen."

So where can men who are being abused turn for support, and what steps should they take to get out of dangerous situations?

Getting Help

The first step in getting help is reaching out.

"The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in the nation that offers support and help in finding resources specifically for men," says Brown, of the not-for-profit helpline. "We'll provide options and support and help a man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not acceptable. The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men can be reached from anywhere in the nation, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling [phone] and entering PIN number 0757."

Other helplines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, can also offer support to men but aren't as tailored to do so as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men.

"What people should know is that abuse is about power and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man or a woman, it is never OK," says Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. "We urge anyone whose relationship scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: [phone]. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous."

Stopping the Abuse

Other steps for men who are being abused to take include:

"Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the door, the man will try to move her, and that will be enough for him to get arrested."

"Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask how you were injured. Take photographs of your injuries, and make sure if the police are called that they take a report, and get a copy of the report for yourself."

"Work with an advocate from a domestic violence program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not only will this help protect you from an abusive partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary custody of your children in order to protect them from the domestic violence."

Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal advice, says Cook.

Talk with your family and friends who can help support you. "They will understand," says Brown.

"Abusers are good at making you feel isolated and alone, but you're not," says Brown. "We get calls from all types of people -- doctors, lawyers, laborers, people in the military. The biggest hurdle they face is finding someone who believes them. If they are believed, they can get help, and that's why we're here."

SOURCES: Jan Brown, executive director and founder, Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. Philip Cook, program director, Stop Abuse For Everyone; author, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence. Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator, National Domestic Violence Hotline. National Violence Against Women survey, sponsored by the National Institute of Justice and the CDC.

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=52347



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