為男性受害者解讀情感虐待(也建議女性受害者閱讀)

來源：When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

由 禦樹林楓 翻譯

按："Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial." 對男性的家庭暴力與對女性的家庭暴力非常相似，會以肢體虐待、情感虐待、語言虐待或經濟虐待為形式。 --- Jan Brown ，家庭暴力男性幫助熱線執行理事和奠基人。

"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," Brown says. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man." 無論你是受虐婦女還是受虐男人，家庭暴力不是在說身材大小、性別、力量；而是虐待、控製、強權和離開危險境地以及得到幫助。 ---- Jan Brown 。

情感虐待，也稱感情虐待、心理虐待、精神虐待、情緒虐待。冷暴力是情感虐待的一種。

相信被記錄下來的虐待關係經常是：男人打女人。社會上已經認識到有很多的女人在情感虐待男人。事實上，經常是被情感虐待的男人沒認識到他的妻子或女友的行為是虐待。

他們用不同的字眼來描述這些行為： 挑剔、專橫、難以取悅、固執己見、難相處、苛刻、過於好辯、“激昂的”或侵略性；然後他們總是這樣解釋：“她的童年時代很艱難，她被虐待過。”其實， 很多人擁有並不理想的人生的開端，但是他 / 她們卻沒有把這些帶到成年的關係中去。

男人們已經被洗腦，認為女人無理性、喜怒無常、易激動、和 苛求 是正常的。 多數男人在女人“就是表達她們的感受”和“男人不擅長表達他們的感受” 的偽裝下接受了這些行為，並且由此而感到不舒服。這是荒謬的。由於這是虐待，所以這些行為讓男人不舒服；多數施虐女人最終也覺得不舒服。

男人，你需要覺醒，不要再自我蒙蔽這些明顯的事實。如果你擔心她會因為你細小錯誤而發瘋，或隻是因為她的壞心情而如履薄冰，那麽你在經受情感虐待。如果無論你多努力地取悅她都無濟於事，那麽你在經受情感虐待。如果她常規地通過罵人和羞辱人來壓製你、指責你或貶低你，那麽你在經受情感虐待。如果她通過把你關在外麵、不友好地冷落你或用拒絕性生活來控製你的行為，那麽你在經受情感虐待。承認這件事不羞恥。事實上，是你的妻子或女友應當感到羞恥。

情感虐待象癌症一樣吞噬你心靈，直至你感覺無力、無價值、焦慮和/ 或壓抑。多數時間它一步，又進一步地發展，所以你沒有察覺。你能把頭幾次的發脾氣、情緒爆發和憤怒發作解釋過去。因為你想取悅她，你很在意她的指責。為了讓她回到有趣、甜蜜和有愛意的關係蜜月，你已經犧牲所有並且留下了很多難題。

她不是無時無刻地施虐。有時她是友好的。有時，她甚至做出非常友好的姿態讓你說服自己：你們的關係不那麽壞。施虐者的人格類型經常具有富有魅力和誘惑的一麵。如果她總是很糟糕，你也不會和她在一起，是不是？她們美好的一麵是能吸引人的。隨著時間推移，美好逐漸消失，她們施虐的特征就占據了主導地位。

你不能搞定這些。你不能製止她。你不能使你們的關係好起來。你可以去接受世界上所有的治療，並且閱讀亞馬遜上全部的《怎樣理解女人》（ How to Understand Women ） 之類的書籍，但是你不能改變她的行為。為什麽？

首先你的女友或妻子非常不可能認為她們的行為是虐待，因為“都是你的錯”。最重要的是，她的虐待行為是她所獲得的她想獲得的方式。這是她已經學會的並且非常有效的技巧；即使她有所覺察，但對她而言，中斷這技巧是極端困難的。一個施虐者的目的是控製權，並且控製你的方法就是通過情感虐待。

你不想承認你被控製或者被虐待？ 好，問自己以下問題：

· 你是否因為不想回家而在工作上花越來越多的時間？

· 你是否在停止與朋友和家人的聯係？當你定期與他們交流，微笑著告訴他們一切都好時，你是否感覺堵心和喉頭發緊？

· 你是否覺得你在等待“另一隻鞋掉下來”？

· 你是否在通過書、電影或網絡來躲避現實生活？

· 你是否在感覺羞愧、無價值、低自尊或情感麻木？

· 你是否有以下醫生不能診斷的、類似“可能由壓力引起的”症狀：長期胃痛、頭暈、頭痛、消化問題、失眠或乏力。

· 你是否喝更多的酒或使用比平時更多的麻醉類藥品？你是否在用這些方式麻痹自己，從而逃避或麵對不愉快的現實？

· 你是否感覺自己不可愛？就象覺得自己有些不對竅，或者你很“糟糕”或“瘋狂”？你是否擔心如果你離開了你的伴侶就沒人要了？

· 你是否有憂鬱的症狀，包括想自殺？

· 你是否在進行使自己會“意外”死亡的冒險活動，如亂開車、獨自騎自行車穿越原始地帶、去危險的社區、或者看都不看地在馬路上行走？

如果你對多於一個的問題回答“是”，你很可能在承受情感虐待的影響。

即使沒有成熟的人格障礙，多數有施虐特征女人（和男人）具有邊緣型人格障礙 （Borderline Personality Disorder） ，有 表演型人格障礙（Histrionic Personality Disorder） 和 / 或自戀型人格障礙（Narcissistic Personality Disorder）的特征。這些精神狀況都非常難以治療。所有這三個類型都會是非常情感虐待的；她 / 他們都無法真正地換位思考，這對你來說不是一個好兆頭。

你需要決定：是否餘生就要被如此對待；或者，是否你還想要一個真愛和快樂的機會。 你也許應當去尋求某些正式幫助：

1 ．幫助恢複你的自尊和價值感。

2 ．懂得自己為什麽會被這個女人襲擊，這樣你就不會最終處於另一個虐待關係。

3 ．學會一些行為技巧去對付這些行為。

4 ．幫助你決定是否要結束這種關係；如果你決定結束，支持你渡過難關。

Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.

They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.

Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous.  This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.

Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.

Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.

She’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.

You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?

First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.

Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
• Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
• Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
• Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
• Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
• Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
• Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
• Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
• Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
• Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.

You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:

1. Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
2. Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
3. Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
4. Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.

[禦樹林楓]

回複秋穀的評論:
謝謝評論，感覺在你在“男女平等”和“男女價值”概念和理念上有不清楚的地方~~建議你閱讀
新時代的女性主義
http://blog.wenxuecity.com/myblog/55837/201203/6029.html

讚同你的“處理家庭問題絕對不能炒，更不能為錢而吵架”觀點。另外法律對犯罪有懲治和震懾作用~~

[秋穀]

家庭是不應講道理是非的地方、是講感情講親情的地方，家家都有一本難念的經，要念好它很難，但又要必須念好。靠法律不能解決感情問題，更不能解決親情問題。處理家庭問題絕對不能炒，更不能為錢而吵架。階級鬥爭不能解決國家社會問題，同樣，家庭鬥爭不能解決婚姻問題家庭問題！

[秋穀]

人類社會的三元素是：男、女、錢。男人與女人，丈夫與妻子，父母與兒女，都離不開“錢”，都要處理好與“錢”的關係，否則都會出現各種問題……

[秋穀]

男女不平等，女男不平等，不論男女，那一方經濟不獨立，不能自力更生，不能自食其力，都是不行的！男的沒有工作，不能自食其力，要依賴女方，那就受到女方的輕視，僅靠忍受、退讓，沒法維護夫妻關係，相反，男性強大而女性要依靠男性生存，給飯吃給衣穿也不行，必須自己工作做事情，有自己的一份收入。家務如何辦？雙方共同負擔，共同盡責。是否應該如此？

[秋穀]

婚姻結合是自主的，而且原先關係也很好，父母親也都尊重兒女的選擇。探親時一再囑咐；家庭要和為貴，不能吵架，有事商量解決，親情第一，孩子為重。家庭要好，務必重視互相關愛，共同盡責，精心經營。加拿大、美國都十分重視保護婦女，於是女方往往都很強勢，而男方為維持家庭完整，為了孩子的成長，卻往往無能為力……不知道如今女權是重的時代，如何使男女雙方都能夠進一步努力、辛苦經營，使自己的家庭成為“和諧家庭、美好家庭、快樂家庭、幸福家庭”？

[秋穀]

試問：如果夫妻雙方已經40多歲，男人白天到公司上班，下班後又要做飯給妻子孩子吃，而且男人吃了飯之後還要到公司上班、繼續與國內客戶交談生意，而女的隻是接送孩子讀書，什麽家務也不做（由不會做到不做），卻要控製男的錢財開支，女人卻什麽事都不會做，一味要求家庭財務平等，否則就以孩子和離婚威脅男人。這種行為屬於什麽？是否男人單方麵以忍退讓，隻要求“家和”，就可以解決？怎樣處理好男女的關係？

[小泥山]

回複大醬風度的評論:

做飯，收拾屋子，照顧孩子，這應該的夫妻共同的責任。如果她是全職主婦，我先問一下你，是否對她作為一個家庭主婦的人格給予了足夠的尊重？是否對她的家務勞動給予了足夠的尊重？

如果你是一個懂得尊重妻子的丈夫，而你無法同她平等交流的話，我建議你們一同去看專業的婚姻谘詢。

[林韻]

真的學到了，其中很多內容不以為是情感虐待，真的是被洗腦了，謝謝翻譯！

婚姻中的雙方應該平等，相互尊重，任何一方強勢，都不會幸福的

[大醬風度]

如果有女人整天在家裏大喊大叫，特別是你需要休息的時候，睡覺的時候，就製造噪音。把飯做得基本不能吃，你不願意吃什麽，就做什麽，把家裏上百萬買的房子弄得和豬窩是的。天天把孩子扔在家裏，很晚不回來。

對這樣的女人，該怎麽辦呢？

[conversation]

”男人們已經被洗腦，認為女人無理性、喜怒無常、易激動、和 苛求 是正常的。 多數男人在女人“就是表達她們的感受”和“男人不擅長表達他們的感受” 的偽裝下接受了這些行為，並且由此而感到不舒服。這是荒謬的。“----------------------------------很多中國女人是這個樣子的。無理取鬧的太多了。她們就是施虐者！

[piao11]

替男性受害者頂一下。
林妹辛苦
謝謝林妹。