對家暴說不
普及關於家暴的心理以及法律知識，澄清家暴的心理與法律誤區，幫助受家暴荼毒的姐妹，推動國內關於家暴的立法。
由 禦樹林楓 轉載 來源： Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
虐待者往往認為自己很獨特，真的跟別人很不同，因此不用像其他人一樣遵照同樣規則。但是虐待者並非獨特，他們有很多相同之處，包括他們的思考和行為方式。以下是其中一些特點。
找藉口
虐待者不會為自己的行為承認責任，他隻會試圖以藉口辯解自己的行為。比如：“我的父母從不愛我”或“我的父母打我”或“我心情很差，而當我走進去看見混亂一片，我便無法控製我的脾氣”或“我不能讓她那樣對我講話。我沒有其他選擇”。
譴責
虐待者將罪行的責任從自己轉移到別人身上，讓他可以辯解他自己的虐待行為，說其實是那個人“促使”他有這行為。比如：「如果我管教孩子的時候你不幹涉，我便不用打他們了。」或者他可能說：「她按動我的開關。」這些話是怪責受害者。如果他真的有不同的開關，她便會按動“吸塵”而不是 “打我” 的開關。
重新定義
虐待者會轉變譴責的戰術，使他可以重新定義環境，讓看起來問題不是出於他，而是出於別人，或是外邊的世界。比如，虐待者沒有照他所說 6 pm 回家吃晚飯；他 4 a.m. 回來。他說：「你真的是很差勁的廚師。我為什麼要回來吃這些垃圾？我打賭孩子們也不吃這些。」
成功的幻想
虐待者相信如果其他人不 “左右” 他，他會有錢、有名或非常成功。他用這個信念去為自己的行為辯解。虐待者也用說話踐踏其他人使他自己看似更加優越。
撒謊
虐待者以謊言去控製情況從而控製可取用的資料。虐待者亦使用謊言去使其他人，包括受害者，心理上不平衡。比如，當他撒謊的時候，他表現很誠實的樣子；當他說真話的時候，他表現出欺騙的神情；而有時候他在明顯的謊言中揭露自己的真正麵貌。
以為
虐待者常常以為他們知道其他人的思想或感覺。他們的假設讓他們為他們的行為自辯，因為他們以為他們“知道”在某情況下另一個人會怎樣想或做。比如，「我早知道你會因我放工後去飲啤酒而發怒，所以我想我最好還是留在外邊享受一下。」
超乎規則之上
我們說過虐待者通常相信自己比其他人好，所以無須跟隨普通人跟隨的規則。這個也是定了罪的罪犯的典型態度。每一個監獄內的囚犯都相信雖然其他囚犯是罪犯，他自己卻不是。一個虐待者會顯示他的 “超乎規則之上”的想法，比如當他說：「我不需要虐待者介入工作。我跟那些其他男人不同。沒有人有權質問我在家所做的事。」
愚弄其他人
虐待者混合戰術去操縱其他人。戰略包括撒謊使其他人生氣，為要看看他或她的反應，並煽動其他人爭執。或者，他會試圖用魅力應響他想操縱的人，假裝有興趣接觸或關心那人，從而得到她或他的歡心。
分割式生活
虐待者通常把虐待行為跟其它生活部份分割。比如，他會虐待家人，但是他並不會虐待外邊的人；或者虐待者星期日早晨會到教堂，但是星期日晚上便虐待他的妻子。他不感到他的行為有什麼不一致，相反地，他覺得合理。
輕談事件
虐待者會試圖以某種方法描述事件，使它的嚴重性看起來較輕，好減少他的責任。比如：「我不是很狼狠的打你」或者「我沒有打所有孩子；僅是打其中一個。」
含糊
含糊地思考和說話讓虐待者避免責任。比如：「我晚了因為我回家途中要做一些事。」
憤怒
虐待者實際上不一定比其他人更易發怒。但是他們蓄意顯得憤怒，目的是控製環境和別人。
強行的把戲
虐待者用不同的戰術去強行挑其他人的錯。比如，當受害者還在講話時他便走出房間，或者加大聲量蓋過受害者的說話，或組織其他家庭成員或相識去“聯手”對付受害者，躲開孤立她或批評她。
扮受害者
間中虐待者會假裝無助或扮作被迫害，目的是操縱其他人去幫助他。在這情況，虐待者覺得如果他得不到他想要的，他便是受害者；而他使用受害者的假麵具去報復或愚弄其他人。虐待者通常聲稱自己是受害者好讓他可以避免在法律上的責任。他可能說她才是有暴力傾向的人。他會展示很明顯的自衛傷痕，比如牙齒痕或抓痕，並聲稱她 “襲擊”他。或者他會說她身體上的傷痕是他試圖阻止她傷害她自己時造成的。
戲劇性及刺激性的感覺
虐待者通常選擇不跟其他人有緊密關係。他們用戲劇性及刺激性的感覺去取代緊密關係。虐待者發現觀看其他人生氣、爭鬥、或起騷動十分刺激。通常他們會混合使用前述的不同戰術去營造戲劇性及刺激性的形勢。
關閉溝通渠道
虐待者不會多講自己的事和他的真感覺。他亦不想知道關於他自己的新資料，比如其他人怎樣看他。他愛藏匿、思想封閉、和自以為義。他相信他在任何情況都是對的。
所有權
虐待者一般有很強的佔有慾。而且，他相信任何他想要的東西都應該是他的，而對於任何他的東西他有權隨意對待。他以這種態度對待人和財產。他以這邏輯去合理化控製性的行為、傷害其他人身體、和拿取他人的東西。
自我頌揚
虐待者通常認為自己強壯、優越、獨立、自給自足、和很有男子氣慨。他心目中的理想男人圖像通常是牛仔或冒險家的類型。當任何人講或做任何不配合他的光榮自我形像的東西，虐待者都視作侮辱。
Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does. But rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics.
Excuse Making
Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or "My parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do."
Blaming
The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the other person supposedly "caused" his behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them." Or he may say, "She pushes my buttons." Statements like this are victim blaming. If he really had buttons she could push, she would push the one that says, "vacuum" instead the one that says, "hit me".
Redefining
In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world in general. For example, the abuser doesn't come home for dinner at 6 p.m. as he said he would; he comes home at 4 a.m. He says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
Success Fantasies
The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful if only other people weren't "holding me back." He uses this belief to justify his abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making himself look superior.
Lying
The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.
Assuming
Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
Above the Rules
As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not. An abuser shows "above-the-rules" thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't need batterer intervention. I'm different than those other men. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family."
Making Fools of Others
The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and encouraging a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on her or his good side.
Fragmentation
The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night. He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.
Minimizing
The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard" or 'I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."
Vagueness
Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."
Anger
Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they deliberately appear to be angry in order to control situations and people.
Power Plays
The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.
Playing Victim
Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to get back at or make fools of others. Abusers will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable by law enforcement. He may assert she was the one who was violent. He will display what are clearly defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she "attacked" him. Or he will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when he was trying to keep her from hurting herself.
Drama and Excitement
Abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.
Closed Channel
The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.
Ownership
The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong to them.
Self-glorification
The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy or adventurer type. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.
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