提問：我怎樣才能幫助受到虐待的女兒，姐妹或朋友？

                                 專家Lundy Bancroft談如何幫助受虐婦女（譯文)                                                                                 -----由“對家暴說不”群組義工小泥山翻譯    

 如果您想為一個您所關心的受到虐待的婦女提供切實的幫助，請注意以下幾條原則：

您的目的是要和施虐者完全相反

1. 施虐者：給她巨大的壓力；而您應該：耐心。

請記住一個受虐者，她需要時間來理清她的思路來應付她的處境。不要讓她依照您的時間表來決定何時對施虐者說不，離開他，給警察打電話，或其它任何您要她采取的對策。您要做的是，對於她何時采取行動的問題，尊重她自己的判斷 – 這是施虐者從來不會做的事情。

2. 施虐者：貶低她；而您應該：平等對她。

避免居高臨下，好為人師。專業人員，一樣需要注意這一點，甚至更要小心。對一個受虐婦女，如果您表現得比她更聰明，更有智慧，她所經曆的一切根本就不會發生在你自己身上，那您無意中就表明您比她高一等，而這恰好就是施虐者對她說的。請記住，行動比語言更有說服力。

3. 施虐者：認為他比她自己更加懂得什麽是她的需要；而您應該：把她當作她自己生活的主宰。

不要以為你比她更清楚她需要做的事情。我曾經給過一些受虐婦女我以為正確的建議，後來卻被證明在當時的情況下，其實非常糟糕。您要問她怎麽樣做最好，在不施加壓力的情況下，提供建議，如果她認為有些行動不合適，尊重她的解釋。不要命令她去做這做那。

4. 施虐者：控製談話；而您應該：多聽少說。

您可能很想向她證明他就是個垃圾，想分析他的動機，想把這本書的整章的內容都講給她聽聽。但你要是說得太多，無意之中就顯得你的想法比她的重要，而施虐者就是這樣對待她的。如果您想讓她知道，她的情感和觀點是值得尊重的，那您就必須證明您尊重它們。

5. 施虐者：認為他有權控製她的生活；而您應該：尊重她自主的權利。

她有權作出和你的建議不同的決定，包括繼續同施虐的伴侶生活，或分居之後回到他身邊。對受虐婦女，如果你的行為顯得好像她的生活屬於你，那你就不能讓她相信她的生活屬於她自己。哪怕你不同意她的選擇，你也要支持她。

6. 施虐者：以為他比她更懂得她的孩子和他們的需要；而您應該：把她看作是一個合格的，有愛心的母親。

請記住，對受虐母親的孩子，沒有一個簡單的辦法來決定對孩子最好的選擇。即使她離開施虐者，孩子的問題不見得就結束了。分居之後，施虐者有時會把孩子的問題弄得更加糟糕。除非您對她麵臨的各種複雜選擇有一個切實深入的了解，否則您無法幫她選擇如何做對孩子最好。

7. 施虐者：替她思考；而您應該：同她一起思考。

不要把自己當作教師和救世主。您要做的，是和她組成平等的相互尊重的團隊。

請注意，和施虐者相反，並不表示處處和他說相反的話。如果他乞求她：“不要離開我，不要離開我，”而你在另一麵一再強求：“離開他，離開他”，她就會覺得你和他一樣，你們都在強迫她接受你們的選擇。你們都沒有問她那個把權力交還給她的問題：“你想怎麽辦？”


Topic：How to Support An Abused Woman

Question: How can I help my daughter, sister, or friend who is being abused?

If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR GOAL IS TO BE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE ABUSER IS .
-----------------------------------------------------------------

1. THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely

SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police , or what-ever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action - something the abuse never does.



2. THE ABUSER: Talks down to her

SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.


3. THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for what certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don't tell her what to do.



4. THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations

SO YOU SHOULD: listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is., to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feeling and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.



5. THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life

SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.



6. THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over， and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.



7. THE ABUSER Thinks for her

SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.

Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with, "Leave him, leave him", she will feel that you are much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you are asking the empowering question, "What do you want to do?"