歡顏

值完夜班，躺在沙發上，五官很疲勞，大腦卻慣性地高速運轉，好像F1賽車下了跑道發動機還轉動。

站在淋浴下，熱水衝洗著被醫院空氣浸潤了一天一夜的皮膚，沾染著死亡，絕望和病痛，需要衝洗很久才能覺得自己年輕健康的肌膚慢慢重新變得紅潤。

死亡和疾病，是一種能夠傳染的病毒。插著呼吸管，鼻飼管的病人，不能說話，在看著我的臉的時候，眼角慢慢流出淚水，我握著他的手，他慢慢握緊我的手。手是浮腫的，虛弱的。

洗完澡，坐在書桌前，決定學習。心裏焦灼不安，因為PD說，值班後回家應該把值班時候看過病例好好學習一下，因為周圍的住院醫生在討論病例時候都能夠引經據典，因為主治經常用一兩個問題就掂出了實習醫生的分量。每次說話，每次查房，好像都是一次次live show，希望impress 每一個人，從醫生到護士，從attending到同年的intern。每次別人說出自己不知道的答案，心裏就挫敗得很。每次說出錯誤的答案，即使別人不說什麽，自己心裏也要煎熬半天。

和爸爸媽媽的通話從每天晚上的msn camera改成了一周一次的電話，如果周末值班，那就連一周一次也保證不了。電話裏也不敢多說什麽，總是怕氣餒的語氣讓他們擔心。但是也不想強作歡笑。匆匆地說你們多保重，電話兩端都是欲言又止。

打開每天聽的台北之音，正好在放這首齊豫的歡顏，不記得自己最後一次展顏歡笑是什麽時候了。不知道為什麽，眼淚忍不住掉下來，掉在打印的journal上，掉在翻開的哈裏森內科學上。

每天早上7點多的時候，ICU窗外的太陽冉冉升起，陽光灑在呼吸機上，監護器上，灑在病人的臉上，灑在一夜無眠的實習醫生臉上。

[流水浮萍]

見麵憐清瘦，呼兒問苦辛。低徊愧人子，不敢歎風塵。

落花寫出了遊子的心境。

[wuximm]

Luohao, residency indeed is a very challenging journey both mentally and physically. In addition, ICU is a depressing rotation, you smell sickness and death, palpate pains and sufferings daily. Long working hrs and high stress, it makes you felt as if you are detached from real life, especially you are alone and away from your family. One of our interns I mentioned to you before, has quit in her 3rd intern months. I know another two OB residents (one first yr, the other is a 2nd yr) quit in the last a couple weeks. So, don't feel bad just because you don't satisfy with your performance. As long as you have not failed any rotation, you should be pride of yourself and you are a Surviver! You really need a break and be away from hospital enviroment, planning the upcoming vacation will be fun. Take care.

[遠方的河]

這個寫得很真實，讚一句。

有人說醫生的職業病就是無情，因為生死見得太多了。一個人無論再不可一世，在醫生麵前，永遠是個弱者。

[落花飄零]

謝謝大家的鼓勵，昨天值好班心情比較低落，所以發了點牢騷，嗬嗬，非常感動這裏的幾位朋友一直以來對我的關心，無言回報，隻有更加努力地工作，不讓大家失望了。

[盈袖2006]

Hi gal:

I remeber one saying, you don't have to be the best, you just have to do your best.

Forgiving others is not enough, we have to learn to forgive ourselves.

Allow yourself to make a few mistakes , pls don't beat yourself up.

HOpe you get well and cheer up. All the patients need you, a health you:)

I understand your feelings. We want to be excellent but there are just so many people out there who are smarter than us. We feel down when we can't be persons who we want to be. While struggling on this land to prove our abilities, we also lose something we don't want to lose. It is particularly difficult for us due to the problems of language and culture. Sometimes we just have to admit that we are only ordinary persons. We should aim high but not be too critical to ourselves. Try our best but remember there is always something beyond our control.

Keep going and you will be fine. I know it's easy to say so as an outsider. But I have confidence in you.

Take care and wish you all the best.

[縱然平行]

落花飄零: It sounds like that you may be depressed to some extent. Please look bright side, many of your pts in ICU don’t even have a chance to listen to music, feel the sunshine or see changing colors of autumn forage, some of them are fighting the battles of their life each and every day.

When you have a chance you may read a piece (refer the link below) that I wrote about how to cope with depressions, you may try some of the approaches, which might assist you a bit, especially speaking more frequently with your parents and let them know what have been bothering you, I do believe most of our parents understand the situation because they have been here and done that in their life.

Please cheer up.

http://blog.wenxuecity.com/blogview.php?date=200607&postID=19124

[Flowerspirit]

你也一定讓很多人減少了痛苦，延長了生命或者重新獲得了健康，雖然你與病痛打交道，你的目標是健康！我們畢竟都隻是凡人，盡力而為就可以了！治愈或好轉出院的病人一定有開心笑容！這時候，你也應該開心呀！

[疾風寶寶]

好像這就是生活，你的心理素質應該不錯，如果是我，要整天麵對一些痛苦的病人，估計連自己都要崩潰了。

加油 ：）