【英文小鮮】(40) 古老的英國笑話

 

 

Once Upon a Time in the West

來自秋爽齋

 

 

00:0004:17

 

 

40

古老的英國笑話

 

學外文的過程，枯燥乏味居多，讀笑話能給人帶來輕鬆愉快的一麵。大學時讀的是非英文係，但專業老師有"眼光"，不僅強調英文的重要性，還從英文係請來高手給當時已然深具26英文字母堅實基礎的我們補課。記得老師每堂課的尾聲都要讀一段英文笑話，他有個原版的笑話集子，老師中英交替邊讀邊講，我們似懂非懂半聽半猜，倒是也有歡聲笑語。雖一知半解，可假裝的明白那也是明白。

 

記得有一則笑話，說某英國鬼子租了一對老夫婦一間房。租的房間在樓上，老夫婦住樓下。房客白天工作晚上酒館買醉深夜才回，又穿大頭皮靴，醉漢脫鞋叮咣砸地，驚得樓下不能入睡。二天清早，老漢對醉漢曉之以理動子以情:  老人覺輕，客官您昨晚巨靴兩聲巨響，弄得俺們老兩口醒來無法再次入睡。買醉晚歸是客官的自由，但睡前能否輕聲除靴，多多拜托不要驚擾我倆睡眠。那房客明理，加上這時酒醒，迭聲對不起，保證不再重犯。可二天晚上酒醉歸屋，依舊脫鞋上床，剛砸下一隻鞋，想起了老漢囑咐，於是深懷著歉疚輕輕放下了第二隻鞋。心說今晚至少改了一半錯誤，聊勝於無，明晚當記住徹底改過，堅決做到兩鞋都能悄無聲息。

 

但老漢那頭可是遭了大罪。第一隻鞋"叮"響後，老漢嘀咕著要讓年輕人改正錯誤真是不易，就一直等那第二隻的"咣"聲，完事後可以入睡。可等一宿這第二隻鞋也沒落下，老頭"今夜無眠"氣得牙關直響。第三天大早，老漢告知年輕人，等他那第二隻鞋一宿沒等來，是一宿沒睡。年輕人又是認錯又賠不是，發誓一定痛改惡習。可第三晚醉歸，醉漢依然"叮"了第一聲，響聲後酒也醒了，直罵自己狗改不了吃屎。這時樓梯上響起了老漢的腳步聲。房門被一腳踹開，老漢大聲斥道: 上帝啊，請你現在立馬扔下那第二隻鞋! 

 

這段笑料人們傳笑多了，"drop the other shoe"還成了英文成語，意思就是"等著意料中的倒黴事情發生"。

 

去年回國，買了不少影視碟片，其中還有中國相聲。有個段子說的就是這一段，但掐頭去尾把英國原創改成了中國故事。這不太合適。中國笑話多如牛毛浩如煙海，實在沒必要偷外邦夷人(有人還辯說這故事本就出自中國，是英人偷漢子)。其實，笑話幽默中外相通處很多，無非是把人際關係以及黃色性事拿來作雙關語調侃取樂。

 

舉例說，英國有個最古老的笑話是這樣的一個謎語:

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

 

中文翻譯可以是:  男人腰間有個掛物，總想插那個以前經常被插的孔，請問掛物是什麽?

 

(如果覺得"at a man's thigh"譯成"腰間"不很貼切，可以用更達意的替代)

 

看官先別嫌這謎語太黃，膽小了不敢看可能錯過好東西。但也別太過大膽，直奔主題就猜那玩藝兒。諸位想仔細了再猜不遲，因為好的謎語，看似明顯的答案大凡都不對。

 

正確答案是鑰匙。沒有猜著的人對生活要注意觀察。在西方早期，男人的鑰匙都掛腰間，這誰都知道。隻是男人腰間還掛有其它物件，語意雙關由此而生。在中國，鑰匙傳統的掛法是掛在胸口，不在腰間。所以中國的雙關語是: 胸口掛鑰匙開心又開鎖。但現代的中國，除了孩兒們的鑰匙掛胸開心，男人腰間掛物也多了一柄鑰匙。

 

這條腰間掛物的謎語最早收在英國一本1526年的幽默集子裏，據說故事的來源是法院當庭對一個小屁孩問了上麵這個問題，屁孩兒即答(a snappy response):  鑰匙。

 

在中國類似的"腰間掛物"佳話也是自古有之。話說大清第一才子紀曉嵐年少時鍾情府內丫環。紀麵上知書達理，實是滿肚子淫思邪念。丫環聰慧好學，習練文墨後也喜歡和紀曉嵐吟詩作對戲弄耍鬧。下麵就是這古代老流氓和丫環小MM相互調情，滾動聯對中的腰間掛物深具中國魅力:

 

紀昀:  海棠

丫環:  山藥。

紀昀:  嫩海棠。

丫環:  老山藥。

紀昀:  帶葉嫩海棠。

丫環:  連毛老山藥。

紀昀:  一支帶葉嫩海棠。

丫環:  半截連毛老山藥。

紀昀:  斜插一支帶葉嫩海棠。

丫環:  懸掛半截連毛老山藥。

紀昀:  鬢邊斜插一支帶葉嫩海棠。

丫環:  腰間懸掛半截連毛老山藥。

紀昀:  我愛你鬢邊斜插一支帶葉嫩海棠。

丫環:  我怕你腰間懸掛半截連毛老山藥。

 

中國文化博大精深真不是浪得虛名，就這腰間掛物也比那英式玩笑來的更加韻味十足。要不是為了學英文，誰稀罕知道英國佬的鑰匙插哪個孔。

 

附:  Drop the other shoe (由著記憶瞎編，您湊合著看)

 

A young man rented an upstair room in a two-storey house owned by an old couple.  When he moved in, young man was warned to be quiet because these two old people were light sleepers who lived right under the room he rented.  The first evening, young man came back late, after being drunk at a local pub.  He undressed for bed and dropped his heavy shues on the wooden floor, making two huge clonk sounds.  Those two clonk sounds surely awoke the old ones downsatirs.  

 

The next morning, old man approached young man and told him what those two thundering clonks did to them, in an unhappy but still polite manner.  Being told the harm he did, young man apologiezed for his misbehavior and promised it would not happen again.  

 

However, that evening young man came back as late as the day before, after being drunk at the same local pub.  While he started undressing for bed and dropped his first heavy shoe with one clonk sound, he remembered all of sudden what old man told him in the morning.  In realizing the mistake done, he decided to manage to get the other shoe off in silence, hoping doing so would at least reduce the harm by half. 

 

The third morning, old man approached the young man again in anger, telling young man that he had not slept at all since the first clonk sound as he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, which young man never did.  Young man was so embarrassed and took the full blame, swearing that it would not happen again. 

 

On that third evening, young man came back, still  as late as the day before, after being drunk again.  He started undressing for bed and dropped his first shoe with one clonk sound.  This time before he fully realized the mistake and figured out what to do, he heard steps on the stairway.  The door was kicked open and here came in old man, shouting in his fury:  for Heavens sake, drop the other shoe, now!

（圖片來源網絡）