井 思念 墜落之水 記憶的青苔 在黑暗中伸展 打撈彎曲的源頭 相居不同的海拔 可以享受你的落差 升起折疊的軲轆 地平線粉碎成溪 你豎起潮濕的大拇指 表示向上的方向
井(修改)
律周 (2006-03-07 11:00:25) 評論 (2)井 思念 墜落之水 記憶的青苔 在黑暗中伸展 打撈彎曲的源頭 相居不同的海拔 可以享受你的落差 升起折疊的軲轆 地平線粉碎成溪 你豎起潮濕的大拇指 表示向上的方向
海外博客
井(修改)
律周 發表評論於
謝謝你的鼓舞.有感你對詩的拿捏細致入微.喜歡你的刻刀.
影雲 發表評論於
Like this version much better!
Also glad to see you hammer away the “extra” words in the original poem. In this way, words in the revised version can speak out for themselves instead of being “distorted” manually.
This poem has good metaphors and is very visual and full of contrasts. For example, two very different images in motion: thoughts down/up, sight inside/outside of this well. This internal movement brings layers of feelings for the poem. As we know, when we see things, it’s not a mere sightseeing, but feeling. You “mix” them well in this poem.
It seems that verbs in your poems are always very masculine, which may have something do your experience in the desert. : ) just a thought :)
Also glad to see you hammer away the “extra” words in the original poem. In this way, words in the revised version can speak out for themselves instead of being “distorted” manually.
This poem has good metaphors and is very visual and full of contrasts. For example, two very different images in motion: thoughts down/up, sight inside/outside of this well. This internal movement brings layers of feelings for the poem. As we know, when we see things, it’s not a mere sightseeing, but feeling. You “mix” them well in this poem.
It seems that verbs in your poems are always very masculine, which may have something do your experience in the desert. : ) just a thought :)
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