風蕭蕭_Frank
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一本適合建立良好關係的好書
https://www.gatesnotes.com/How-to-Know-a-Person?
David Brooks 的新書教會我們如何以及為什麽讓每個字都發揮作用。
比爾蓋茨 2024 年 5 月 21 日
當我年輕的時候，我會非常樂意獨自在房間裏花幾個小時看書，了解我最近的癡迷，並讓我的思緒飄蕩。但我媽媽有意為我創造參與和社交的機會——鼓勵我與來訪我們家的所有客人互動，並讓我在爸爸的工作活動中擔任迎賓。她認為與他人建立聯係是一項必須培養的技能，即使（或者可能特別是）對於像我這樣的內向孩子來說也是如此。
在閱讀了 David Brooks 的最新著作《如何了解一個人：深刻觀察他人和被深刻觀察的藝術》後，我最近一直在思考這個問題。這是我的朋友 Bernie Noe 推薦給我的，我很想一探究竟，因為我認識 David，也很喜歡他之前寫的《品格之路》。（另外：每當 Bernie 向我推薦一本書時，我都會讀。）這本書的關鍵前提是我在其他書中找不到的：對話和社交技能不僅僅是天生的特質——它們可以學習和提高。
作為一個一直更喜歡製作軟件而不是閑聊的人，我發現這個想法既新穎又有啟發性。因此，盡管其中的一些建議可能看起來相當簡陋，但這本書現在是我最喜歡的 David 所寫的內容。
在閱讀《如何了解一個人》時，我做了大量筆記，並反思了自己的溝通風格。在第 6 章“良好的談話”中，David 深入探討了什麽使談話有意義。它真的讓我思考我什麽時候全身心投入談話，什麽時候我隻是試圖保存精力或避免被打斷。我不得不自嘲一下，因為我知道我曾經在談論自己感興趣的話題時犯過錯誤??，比如肥料的曆史，而沒有總是去檢查對方是否感興趣。
這本書的一個重要啟示是積極傾聽的重要性——或者，用大衛的話來說，大聲傾聽。“當另一個人在說話時，”他寫道，“你要積極地傾聽，這樣你幾乎是在燃燒卡路裏。”當我對一個話題非常感興趣時，我很擅長這種傾聽，尤其是當我在學習新東西的時候。但這本書清楚地表明，當聽別人談論他們正在麵對的困難或他們引以為豪的成就時，帶著同樣的熱情是多麽具有變革性。
幸運的是，這本書充滿了做到這一點的實用建議。 David 強調了我發現在自己的生活中真正有用的一點：提出開放式問題——使用諸如“你是怎麽……”、“感覺怎麽樣……”、“告訴我……”和“在哪些方麵……”之類的短語——邀請人們以更深入的方式分享他們的經驗和觀點。David 還建議使用“循環”技術，即解釋某人剛剛說的話，以確保你正確理解了他們。他讚同專家稱之??為 SLANT 的方法來傳達對話中的注意力和興趣：坐直、身體前傾、提問、點頭並跟蹤說話者。
我發現這本書特別引人注目的是它表明這些技能與各種關係和互動都相關。無論您是在與親密朋友聊天、與同事聊天，還是在排隊等芝士漢堡時與某人寒暄，全神貫注和關注都可以改變這種相遇。這些簡單的練習可以大大幫助別人感到被傾聽和重視。
我讀得越多，就越意識到這本書的見解與我們在當今世界麵臨的更廣泛挑戰息息相關。早在 1995 年，當我寫《未來之路》時，我就預測技術將使我們更容易與家鄉保持聯係並與他人分享我們的生活。而且在很多方麵，它確實做到了。但大衛在第 8 章“失明的流行病”中指出，技術也導致了孤獨感和疏離感的增加。我們可能比以往任何時候都更加緊密地聯係在一起，但我們真的看到並理解彼此了嗎？
考慮到大衛強調的社會和政治分歧，這個問題變得更加緊迫。他引用的有關抑鬱症、自殺和不信任上升的統計數據令人震驚，他認為這種社會分裂加劇了我們的政治分歧。他討論了政治如何成為真正聯係的替代品——導致人們從向不同意的人大喊大叫而不是試圖理解他們中獲得滿足感——突出了一個讓我非常擔心的趨勢。
在書中，大衛將這些社會弊病與我們教育體係的變化聯係起來。他認為，學校已經不再教授他所謂的“道德和社會技能”，而是
這讓我們無法建立牢固的關係和社區。這當然是一個有趣且及時的論點，但我希望它能得到進一步的發展。我有興趣閱讀更多關於大衛如何定義這種教學方式、他如何衡量這些變化以及他認為教育如何有助於扭轉一些令人不安的社會趨勢的內容。事實上，我認為還有另一本書等著我們來寫。
不過，在很大程度上，大衛的書之所以如此引人注目，是因為它挑戰我們將書中的見解付諸實踐。它是關於我們在互動中要有意識，無論是提出更深思熟慮的問題、充分傾聽答案，還是表達真誠的感激。它是關於以慷慨和好奇心進行對話，尋找聯係和理解的方式。它是關於意識到即使是小事——比如在正確的時間提出正確的問題或給予讚美——也能對建立關係產生重大影響。我確信我從這本書中學到的東西會伴隨我很長時間。
總的來說，我極力推薦《如何了解一個人》。它不僅是一本更好的對話指南，更是一份更加緊密、更人性化的生活方式的藍圖。對於任何想要加深關係、拓寬視野的人來說，這都是一本必讀之書——我相信它有能力讓我們成為更好的朋友、同事和公民。
A good read for great connections
https://www.gatesnotes.com/How-to-Know-a-Person?
David Brooks' new book teaches us how—and why—to make every word count.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately after reading David Brooks's newest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. It was recommended to me by my friend Bernie Noe, and I was eager to dive in because I know David and enjoyed his previous book, The Road to Character. (Also: Whenever Bernie recommends a book to me, I read it.) The key premise is one I haven't found in any other book: that conversational and social skills aren't just innate traits—they can be learned and improved upon.
As someone who has always been more comfortable making software than small talk, I found this idea both refreshing and informative. As a result, even though some of its advice may seem fairly rudimentary, the book is now my favorite of anything David has written.
While reading How to Know a Person, I took a ton of notes and reflected on my own communication style. In Chapter 6, "Good Talks," David dives into what makes a conversation meaningful. It really got me thinking about when I am fully present and engaged in a conversation, and when am I just trying to preserve my energy or avoid being interrupted. I had to laugh at myself a bit, because I know I've been guilty of talking about topics I find fascinating, like the history of fertilizer, without always checking to see if the other person is interested.
One powerful takeaway from the book is the importance of active listening—or, as David calls it, loud listening. “When another person is talking,” he writes, “you want to be listening so actively that you’re practically burning calories.” I’m pretty good at that kind of listening when I’m super interested in a topic, especially when I’m learning something new. But the book made clear how transformative it can be to bring that same enthusiasm when listening to someone talk about a hardship they’re dealing with or an accomplishment they’re proud of.
Fortunately, the book is full of practical advice for doing that. David emphasizes something I’ve found really helpful in my own life: asking open-ended questions—with phrases like "How did you…," "What's it like…," "Tell me about…," and "In what ways…"—that invite people to share their experiences and perspectives in a more in-depth way. David also recommends using the "looping" technique, where you paraphrase what someone has just said to ensure you've understood them correctly. And he endorses what experts call the SLANT method to convey attention and interest in a conversation: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod, and Track the speaker.
What I found especially compelling about the book is how it shows that these skills are relevant across all kinds of relationships and interactions. Whether you're catching up with a close friend, chatting with a coworker, or just exchanging pleasantries with someone while waiting in line for a cheeseburger, being fully present and attuned can transform the encounter. These simple practices can go a long way in making others feel heard and valued.
The more I read, the more I realized how much the book's insights connect to the broader challenges we face in today's world. Back in 1995, when I wrote The Road Ahead, I predicted that technology would make it easier for us to stay connected with our hometowns and share our lives with others. And in many ways, it has. But David argues in Chapter 8, "The Epidemic of Blindness," that technology has also contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and disconnection. We may be more connected than ever, but are we truly seeing and understanding each other?
This question becomes even more urgent when considering the social and political divisions David highlights. The statistics he cites about the rise in depression, suicide, and distrust are alarming, and he makes the case that this social unraveling is fueling our political divides. His discussion about how politics can become a substitute for genuine connection—leading people to get their satisfaction from yelling at those they disagree with instead of trying to understand them—highlights a trend that worries me a great deal.
In the book, David connects these social ills to changes in our education system. He argues that schools have shifted away from teaching what he calls “moral and social skills,” and that this has left us ill-equipped to build strong relationships and communities. It’s an interesting and timely argument for sure, but I wished it were further built out. I’d be interested in reading more about how David defines this type of teaching, how he measures the changes, and how he thinks education can help reverse some of these troubling social trends. In fact, I think there’s another book waiting to be written here.
For the most part, though, what makes David's book so compelling is that it challenges us to put its insights into practice. It's about being intentional in our interactions, whether that means asking more thoughtful questions, fully listening to the answers, or expressing genuine appreciation. It's about approaching conversations with generosity and curiosity, looking for ways to connect and understand. And it's about realizing that even small things—like asking the right question at the right time or giving a nice compliment—can make a big difference in building relationships. I’m certain that what I learned from the book will stay with me for a long time.
Overall, I can’t recommend How to Know a Person highly enough. More than a guide to better conversations, it’s a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living. It's a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives—and I believe it has the power to make us better friends, colleagues, and citizens.
