【宋德利利談譯詩】 A diary,雙語 to record a conversation 一語湖邊

A diary, to record a conversation
over a Forum chatting with 宋德利利-"Song De-Lili"
June 1st, 2008.

Today is kids' day, I am happy too, right, adults are kids too, sometimes.

Today is really beautiful not only for the warm weather, but for something else too. I had finally had a powerful Chinese poem reversed into English in free style. Hope it works. So I posted back to tell the original Chinese poet.

His name is called " 原版遠方". His blog is full of the poems so powerful authored and beautiful to read. His blog is so nice, and very often, he invites his friends to give recital accompanied with music carefully chosen. Hopefully he likes my version in English. 【多難興邦】so powerful a sentence, now, after the quakes in wen-chuan, and voiced by a nickneame: "寒江雪".

As we may recall, doing something from Chinese into English is obviously different with the one done from the English to Chinese.

There is another reason that I happy about: friends here liked my version of "A nation shall be built in challenges" -a Poem i mentioned earlier, and written for the 'wen-chuan' earthquakes. There are tons of them written within the weeks when rescue is still under going; and the whole world is pooling the money to be sent together with the tents and blankets that they mostly lack of.

I did a few poems from Chinese into English. Selfishly, I like those verses done with tears dripping down my face in the nights. I read them once again after post it with self-content though i know there is somewhere does not really conveys the same power.

But as "Song De-Lili" said, "poetry translation is always hard job, if you really want to do it seriously". I read his work of "大漠孤煙直，長河落日圓" which deserves great effects to put into English. I really enjoy reading his work.
Let' me put it down again: Personally, i like the the last version the best.

"大漠孤煙直，長河落日圓"(4)

Lone smoke is risin’ erectly from vast deser’

Round sun is settin’ slowly o’er long river

Alike this poetic sentence, we may read numerous from"Dang Poems" that so hard to be expressed in a way that English speaking people do their poems. But it remains as challenges for the lover of their languages.

For many passionate poets from China, they have a huge obstacle to get over before they can build their names into books that can be read by the world; very often and maybe easily they were forgotten, or even unknown to the world since Chinese is such hard language to master, and to be learnt.

Then, only true translation can serve as a 'bridge' to get both the world and their lonesome souls together. and only in thus way, that the treasures of Chinese Poetry can be appreciated and consumed by the majority of people in this world.

johnlakeshore, With Attachements： 

試譯：大漠孤煙直，長河落日圓: -Song Delili
links: http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=mysj&MsgID=21256

很少翻譯中國詩，主要是因為對英文詩歌沒研究，不知該譯成怎樣的英文詩句，這次正好有這個機會，我就練習一下，以後說不定還真地翻譯一些中文詩。下麵是我的一些想法和做法，寫出來拋磚引玉，希望能引出高手妙筆生花的傑作，供大家一起學習該如何翻譯這兩句千古名句。I translate few Chinese poems, as I felt the studying is still weak on English ones. Really hard to put it into English verses; figuring this chance comes rarely, let me try once, maybe I will really work on it sometimes. Following are my ways of doing the verses, and aiming to attract more matured works, or serving as invitations to challenge these two acclaimed verses written thousands years ago.


大漠孤煙直，長河落日圓 * his examples, with explnations:

(1)

The lone smoke is rising erectly from the vast desert,
The round sun is setting slowly over the long river.

The lone smoke / is rising erectly / from the vast /desert,
The round sun / is setting slowly / over the long / river.

(2)

De lone smoke is rising erectly from de vast desert,
De round sun is setting slowly over de long river.

(3)

Lone smoke is rising erectly from vast desert
Round sun is setting slowly over long river

(4)

Lone smoke is risin’ erectly from vast deser’
Round sun is settin’ slowly o’er long river

注釋：

我采取直譯的方法，逐字逐句地對應。有時這樣翻效果不太好，但這首我試了試，讀起來，看起來還能明白原詩的意境，尤其是必須講究工穩的對仗才行。其中rising erectly 和setting slowly， 一上升，一降落，成鮮明對照，十分生動，句子中必須用動詞，而且是現在進行時才使得畫麵有動感。既然是詩，就要能讀順，即便達不到朗朗上口，但也要盡量爭取達到輕重起伏，錯落有致的效果。 具體做法如下：

第一組（1）每一行都是14個音節，可分成4個音步。結尾都押韻（er）,而且是完整的句子，連冠詞都悉數在內。而且對仗極其工穩，兩句中各個詞的對應程度已經達到百分之百。從頭至尾，冠詞對冠詞，形容詞對形容詞，名詞對名詞，是動詞對是動詞，現在分詞對現在分詞，副詞對副詞，介詞對介詞，冠詞對冠詞，形容詞對形容詞，名詞對名詞。是中規中矩的翻譯。

第二組（2）把定冠詞the改成de,顯得更口語化。

第三組（3）省略定冠詞the(de), 句子變短，音節減少，各12個，但依然是偶數。

第四組（4）更加簡練，仿照歌詞方式簡化每一個可有可無的字母，通常的做法，是把現在分詞的結尾字母g略掉。

此外，如over則略掉v，變成o’er,而句子結尾“t”字母也可省略，這一做法，可參看《The Treasure of American Poetry》


A Sampler of Hymns,
Spiritual and Songs

Free at las’, free at las’,
I thank God I’m free at las’.
一語湖邊:


你太客氣了。我這兩個句子隻是大白話，不值得用“欣賞”這麽高貴的字眼對待。我對英詩沒研究，不會欣賞，因此也不會寫出像樣的英文詩句，當然更譯不出像樣的英文詩句。 

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【宋的利利詩談譯】 學譯忐忑 真不容易 漢詩英譯 吾師利利，


很少翻譯中國詩，主要是因為對英文詩歌沒研究，不知該譯成怎樣的英文詩句，這次正好有這個機會，我就練習一下，以後說不定還真地翻譯一些中文詩。下麵是我的一些想法和做法，寫出來拋磚引玉，希望能引出高手妙筆生花的傑作，供大家一起學習該如何翻譯這兩句千古名句。I translate few Chinese poems, as I felt the studying is still weak on English ones. Really hard to put it into English verses; figuring this chance comes rarely, let me try once, maybe I will really work on it sometimes. Following are my ways of doing the verses, and aiming to attract more matured works, or serving as invitations to challenge these two acclaimed verses written thousands years ago.–一語譯，小戰士：“又仔細一想，是啊，這是千古名句”


一語湖邊，I feel I'm just a piece of paper, a drop of rains o'er De lakes.

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英詩漢譯還花過一些時間，但在漢詩英譯方麵幾乎等於空白，不過我很想開墾這片處女地。有你這樣的朋友熱情鼓勵，我會加油幹的。等以後幹起來時還要向你討教呢，因為你是譯詩的裏手，我看了你自四川大地震發生以來在漢詩英譯方麵的傑作。很是欽佩。

我現在還沒有能力和精力在譯詩方麵多花功夫。不過很快我就會騰出手來，也許下一個翻譯計劃就從漢詩英譯開始。

另外我對你的名字很欣賞，很富有詩意，人在湖邊說話，該是怎樣美妙的一種情景啊。一湖碧波，蕩漾不息。近觀波光粼粼，令人精神抖擻；遠眺煙波浩淼，會令人心曠神怡。真實頗富詩意的美名。期盼與你多交流。謝謝。

宋德利

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Thanks, My home is in an aprtment building close to lake of Ontario, I could see the lake from where I stand in the bacalny; and it is after the first name i choose for Blog writing. I like it too since it expresses my feeling about the lake and myself.

宋德利利，談譯詩,及名字. 漢英之別,困惑不已;一語湖邊
您的試譯：大漠孤煙直，長河落日圓，我真的很欣賞。


【英詩漢譯】個人覺得漢語為母語，覺得漢語表達能力強許多語境掌握好像較容易，但讀到遇到的英詩古韻也是很費心思，但是【漢詩英譯】主要感覺漢詩的凝練，意境十分深厚而感到英語較為平淡，詩意的構成，英語好像講究容詩意與整體意境，而視語句的美麗為次，十分困惑不已。 As someone commented, the way of building and creating an imgery in English peoms difers from ours. Personaly, I felt the English ones are focusing more heavily on the pictures or imageries in settings as a creation as whole, but not so keen on the bueaty of a single sentence. This is where most Chinese speaking people feel hard to do.

一語湖邊，I feel I'm just a piece of paper, a drop of rains o'er De lakes.

約翰雷 K. Shaw Burlington, Ca .
You can reach him at:
[e-mail] (China)
 [e-mail] ( Canada )

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