憨豆先生令人尷尬的朋友們（18+）

Rowan Atkinson - With Friends Like These



Transcribed by Matt Morrison
([e-mail])
From Brit Skits at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Lot/5225/index.html

Feel free to distribute, but be sure to credit me and visit my site.
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With Friends Like These: From Rowan Atkinson: LIVE


NARRATOR: Did you ever have one of those days when everything seemed to
go wrong?   I did.  Unfortunately, it was my wedding day.  And three men
in particular were to blame.  It started with the priest...

[Lights rise on Rowan, who is in a black shirt with priest's collar,
white jacket and black trousers.  He is holding a bible.  A small
makeshift altar lies in the background]

PRIEST: I now pronounce you Man and Wife.  Well done.  You may now kiss
the bride.  

[after a few seconds, he whispers to invisible Groom]

Nice one.  All right, please be seated everybody.  I would just like to
say a few words before communion.  You know, a lot of perspective brides
ask me these days, "Father, what is the Church's attitude to Felattio?"  

[The priest idly plays with a Communion Wafer]

And I tend to reply by telling a little story about the first time I was
asked that question.  

[The priest absently takes a bite from the wafer and then dips the
uneaten half in the chalice of wine, finishing it off, during the next
bit of dialogue.]  

It was a couple of years ago now... and the young, attractive bride-to-be
came up to me after a service and asked just that question, "Father, what
is the Church's attitude to Felattio?"  And I replied, "Well you know,
Joanne, I'd like to tell you.  But unfortunately I don't know what
Felattio is."  And so she showed me.  

And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question, "Father, what is
the Church's attitude to Felattio?" I always reply "Well you know, I'd LIKE
to tell you.  But unfortunately I don't know what Felattio is."  

[Lights dim]

ANNOUNCER: Next, came my trusted best man...

[Lights raise on Rowan, this time in a white shirt with a tie]

BEST MAN: Um.. right right right. Um.. ah... Ladies and gentleman and
fellow survivors of that stunning stag party.  How did those two girls
get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste?
gasps laughs nervously) Well, umm... umm....Just before I left the house
this afternoon I said to myself that the last thing you must do is forget
your speech.   And so sure enough, when...when I left the house...

[Rowan idly pulls something from his pocket.  It's a pair of ladies'
knickers.  He quickly replaces it.  He says Woo in relief, thinking
nobody noticed the incriminating evidence.]  

Um.. ah....  the last thing I did, yes you guessed it, was to forget my
speech.  So it's all ad-libbed I'm afraid.  Umm.. Umm.. ah....

[Rowan ums and ah's ad infinite, doing a nervous tic on each um and ah.  
He should look as nervous and drunk as possible]

Right.  Well.. Now.. where should I begin?  I'd like to begin.. now
(nervous laugh)  Ah.  Right.. Well I've known the groom ever since we
first went to school together at the age of eight.  And you know he hasn't
changed a bit.  Umm.. well, that's not quite true, of course.  He didn't
have his beard then. (nervous laugh)  And I'll tell you this, he'd never
have been able to do whatever he was doing last night with those two
extraordinary....  extraordinary.... um....

Extraordinary how little people change, isn't it?   Although I know that
I've changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass!   Always
blurting things out when I shouldn't.  For instance, this afternoon I'm
sure I wouldn't have been able to resist mentioning the BIZARRE sight that
greeted my eyes when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning
and....  Um...  yes.. but.. enough of that.  He's started making gestures
at me now, which I think means he wants me to CUT my speech short.  

So, suffice to say, I think he'll make a ripping husband.  And I think his
wife's ripping too.  And I can only hope that.. that the dress will hold
out (laughs nervously) So I'd like to propose a toast, to go with the pate
(nervous laugh) To the groom and his lovely horse.. uh... wife. (nervous
laugh) It's all starting to come back to me now....(laugh) and I just know
their marriage will be as happy and satisfied as I was when I paid off
those two prostitutes earlier this morning.  Cheers!

[Lights dim]

ANNOUNCER: And finally, my loving father-in-law provided the perfect
end to the perfect day....

[Lights raise on Rowan, wearing a light blue jacket with his previous
costume.  He looks  grouchy and hungover.  A mean drunk if ever there
was one]

F.I.L: Ladies and Gentleman and Friends of my daughter.  There comes a
time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing
is allowed to speak a word or two of his own.  And I should like to take
this opportunity, schloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin.

As far as I'm concerned. my daughter could not have chosen a more
delightful, charming, witty, responsible... wealthy? Let's not deny it....
well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband.
And I therefore ask the question... why the hell did she marry Gerald
instead?

Because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as a
complete prick.  If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire
family may be likened to a compost heap... and I think they can...
then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it.  I think he is the
sort of man people immigrate to avoid.  

I remember the first time I met Gerald.  I said to my wife... she's the
lovely woman propping up that horrendous old lush of a mother of his...
either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new vacuum
cleaner has arrived.  As for his family, they are quite simply the most
intolerable herd of steaming social animals I have ever had this misfortune
of turning my nose up to.  I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog!  

I would like to propose a toast.... to the caterers.  And to the pigeon
who crapped on the groom's families limousine at the church.  As for the
rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can fuck off!
I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat!

（來源：http://brit_skits.tripod.com/RA/friends.txt）