Two Short Jokes

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. 

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."