影雲2006-03-07 12:30:37回複悄悄話
Like this version much better!
Also glad to see you hammer away the “extra” words in the original poem. In this way, words in the revised version can speak out for themselves instead of being “distorted” manually.
This poem has good metaphors and is very visual and full of contrasts. For example, two very different images in motion: thoughts down/up, sight inside/outside of this well. This internal movement brings layers of feelings for the poem. As we know, when we see things, it’s not a mere sightseeing, but feeling. You “mix” them well in this poem.
It seems that verbs in your poems are always very masculine, which may have something do your experience in the desert. : ) just a thought :)
Also glad to see you hammer away the “extra” words in the original poem. In this way, words in the revised version can speak out for themselves instead of being “distorted” manually.
This poem has good metaphors and is very visual and full of contrasts. For example, two very different images in motion: thoughts down/up, sight inside/outside of this well. This internal movement brings layers of feelings for the poem. As we know, when we see things, it’s not a mere sightseeing, but feeling. You “mix” them well in this poem.
It seems that verbs in your poems are always very masculine, which may have something do your experience in the desert. : ) just a thought :)