來源: seasickyetdocked 於 09-03-20 14:15:39
公司開始走下坡路，兩個季度盈利呈負增長，壓力自上而下，我們夾在中間受夾板氣，因為欺下瞞上的事咱也做不來。他在IM上多了牢騷，多了career after XXX(公司名)的討論。矽穀的entrepreneurs那時迎來了自.com泡沫破裂後的第二個春天. Sand Hill Road又成了聖地, VC開始燒錢但多了幾分理性，startup如雨後春筍，尤其是我們這個行業。他開始留意startups，碰到感興趣的公司會寄個link過來討論一下,偶爾也會run his own ideas by me, 其中一個的思路很對我的路子，於是花了點時間建一數學模型，模擬出來的結果還算靠譜，拿給他看時他手舞足蹈像個孩子。他說要不你也辭職算了，我們合作騙VC點錢做startup好了，這種大公司實在浪費你的大腦資源。我說不行啊我現在是 single mom，不能太冒險。他好像被什麽東西擊中，身體晃了一下，雙手扶住桌子好像隻有這樣才不會fall off the chair. ‘What did you just say? You are a single mom? Are you serious? OMG!!’那天他知道了my updated marital status.
家裏開始走上正軌，兒子逐漸適應了新的routine。在中學新交好多朋友，GPA保持在4.0, County的弦樂比賽上cello拿第三。正當我覺得該喘口氣去趟美容院時，EX的一記重炮彈亂了我的方寸，他告訴我要搬回北京，因為在網上碰到一個好女孩，聊以慰籍他受傷的靈魂。‘考慮過兒子嗎？’我本能地問，‘他可以寒暑假回去看我，好多海歸家庭不都是這樣嗎？’,’那工作呢？’，‘回去再找吧’. 讓我意外的是一向懂事的兒子had a major meltdown，雖然我告訴他爸爸回去是為了工作.
‘I’ve TOLD you Daddy has a girlfriend and they’ll have a baby and he’ll forget about me’
‘But this is about job. I don’t know where the girlfriend came from’ 我揣著明白裝糊塗
‘I knew it mommy I knew it that daddy had a girlfriend long time ago, I saw her on his computer. I was afraid to tell you because I don’t want to upset you’
我這才明白為什麽跟他談爸爸要搬出去時他會那麽specific about daddy’s girlfriend, 原來孩子心裏跟明鏡似的，小小年紀難為他還守得住秘密。那晚摟著兒子聊了很久說了好多安慰的話，直到他睡著。我悄聲起來，在黑暗中站著發呆，腦子亂得理不出頭緒.
上網,發現他在線. 他有點吃驚，因為我主動找他的次數不多。第一次，沒有superficial, 我卸下麵具，談我的婚姻，我的mistakes, 我的困惑，我承認for the first time in life I felt like things are out of my control, which is so foreign and unsettling. 他安靜地聽著，偶爾會評論一兩句，對我的婚姻他如是說：’It seems like the communication broke down early in your marriage but none of you did anything about it. Instead you let the issues drift or didn’t want to face them until it exploded one day. It could be personality, pride or the love was not strong enough in the first place.’ 對於EX的出軌他的看法是 ‘Sharing the same bed is part of marriage. It’s a violation of commitment when you came up with excuses not to share and he allowed it. His infidelity was the result of lack of commitment and physical attachment, not the cause of it, although I agree that he should have ended it with you before moving on, so he got the order reversed and that’s hurtful’
最後他說‘I can't believe someone as amazing as you would have this sort of situation in your personal life. I find that incredible - on one hand, your perseverance and fortitude to do that is amazing; on the other incredibly sad to see this unfold. From my own perspective…
until recently I had the picture of you and a near perfect life. You DID have it all, career, family, beauty. You are successful at work; You talk glowingly about your son; You always elegantly put together. I understand you did what you need to do to keep your sanity (and still do). Your fa231;ade is costly…it hides you from opportunities coming your way. I am not complaining… I am happy you are open now. I wish I have seen through sooner so at least I could provide light when things are dark and hope when love is failing you’
後來這樣的深夜長談還有很多次，當然他也講他自己的故事，涉及他人隱私我這裏不多提，隻想說他的婚姻居然和我的很相似。他開始寫blog, 每天一篇，有時是有感於我們當天的conversation, 有時會設專題講他的現狀，他的戀愛史，他的父母，他的兒時趣事。他的文筆細膩敏感不失幽默，很快地我開始每天期待著, 通過blog他也逐漸立體起來。他很守信用，即使去印度出差他會在飛機上寫好，到酒店upload。這樣的心靈溝通持續了一段時間，however, he didn’t make any move. 後來我問他為何如此沉的住氣，他說他怕把我嚇跑了，還說自從知道我available那一刻起，他就一直在test his own limit of patience, 不過 ‘for someone as precious as you, I need to handle with care’. 感覺好像還是他下了套讓我鑽似的。不過後來發生的事有點戲劇化，我們真的差點擦肩而過。
事情是這樣的：公司在上海買了家私營企業，需要從總部派個人過去做GM，我成人選之一。我本來對海歸興趣不大，但這個機會實在難得，而且潛意識裏我覺得這樣孩子不是離他爹近點？於是我有點動心，IM告訴他，他飛快地打出一行字‘You just gave me a uppercut. BAM. Knockout punch’, 同時還送過來一張 Muhammed Ali的照片。
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