Samuel和登登在樓上又吵了起來。
我歎了口氣，對這兩個人來說，爭吵的話題一直都是學習中文。
“我為什麽要學中文？！”登登喊道。
“因為！……”
我想象著Samuel解釋了一百遍，然後他還是發火了。
“你必須這麽做!!”
我摘下藍光眼鏡，推開我的筆記本電腦。媽媽的魔法時間到了，Samuel和我昨晚剛剛談過這件事。如果他對登登發脾氣，同意我幹預。
我上樓打開辦公室的門，我給了先生一個會意的眼神。Samuel不情願地坐回椅子上，轉身離開登登。
我走了進去。
危機幹預對我來說是很自然的事。畢竟，我已經實踐了二十年。
我毫不費力地轉換成了行為分析師角色—客觀的，輕鬆的，甚至是頑皮的。
漸漸地，諾登停止了叫喊，再也沒有眼淚和怒氣了。
媽媽，你總是希望我誠實。爸爸撒了謊，他說我隻需要做這一頁，然後他又補充了一些。
我聽到了。有沒有可能爸爸第一次給你指示的時候，你沒有注意?
沒有。但沒關係，反正我也得不到我的 30 分鍾 遊戲時間。
原來這才是真正原因！沒有了學習的動力。
我明白了，為什麽?
因為我早上9點之前沒有寫日記。
哦，我知道了。那麽，如果你不是寫一頁，而是寫兩頁呢？然後你可以問是否可能贏得遊戲時間。一切皆有可能，隻要你願意。
一個小時後，登登下樓來。
爸爸說我態度很好，我的中文也學完了。現在我要開始寫日記了。如果我寫兩頁，我能玩嗎?
一切皆有可能。但如果我是你，我會先展示結果，然後你的談判才會更有力量。
十分鍾後，他給我看了他完成的日記，甚至把它命名為第一部分和第二部分。
我笑了笑。是的，這就是成長。
我和他不是一直這麽親密的。在過去的三年裏，我非常努力地建立了這種關係。他知道“我懂他”。我理解他的幽默，他的頑皮，他的笑話。我知道他很在意自己的外表和形象。他想變酷。
他知道我對他的生活，他的學校，他的朋友，他的老師，他的一切都感興趣。登登有一顆寬廣的心。他很聰明。一想到“懶惰”這個詞，我就忍住不說。他現在正在培養品格和職業素養，他還是個喜歡走捷徑的12歲孩子。
正當我暗自慶幸自己是一個多麽好的母親時，第二天早上我就失控了。
我和登登大吵了一架。那是我們有史以來最糟糕的一次。
我看著我的憤怒狂飆，但無法阻止它。頃刻間，憤怒吞噬了我。他跺著腳上樓，我在樓下像瘋女人一樣尖叫，以至於我的胸口都痛了。這種身體上的痛苦以前從未發生過。
它震驚了我。我必須冷靜下來!
我走進臥室，放了一首讓自己情緒宣泄的歌。我很生他的氣，但更生我自己的氣。我憤怒和羞愧地哭了。
五分鍾後，我的鬧鍾響了。那是我和莎莉的晨間河水清洗的時間。
我打電話，仍在抽泣，“我感受到了內心深處的痛苦。我很愛我的兒子。我不知道發生了什麽……我怎麽這麽快就生氣了……我就是這樣，隻有登登在身邊，沒有其他人……那瞬時發生在我身上的事情……誰在掌控？我內心的某些東西完全被引爆了。”
15分鍾後，我走出房間，暫時平靜下來。
我上了車去赴約，找了一本有聲書聽。
“你怎麽了?”脫口秀主持人奧普拉和精神科醫生布魯斯·佩裏的對話引起了我的注意，我聽了下去。
我們都有創傷。我們每一個人，或大或小，各種顏色和形狀。我們的身體承載著創傷。壓抑的情緒會卡在我們的身體裏，吞噬我們的精神。我意識到生氣並沒有錯，憤怒隻是一個釋放的機會。
我一直被教導說，生氣是不好的：這是我對自己的一種評判。
現在我明白了充分體驗憤怒並釋放它一件多麽難得的禮物；所有的情緒都是多麽美好的。它們都是彩虹中的顏色，是我們靈魂的燃料。
那天晚上，我和登登談心並設定了新的界限。第二天又是美好的一天。我們去購物，吃冰淇淋，看電影。
我們圍坐在餐桌旁，分享各自的引爆點。我們四口之家更好的了解彼此。
“我的語言和藝術老師很嚴格，但人很好。媽媽，你也一樣。你很好，也很嚴格。有時太嚴格了。”他半開玩笑地笑了笑。
“謝謝你。”我笑著回道。
謝謝你，登登，做我的老師。感謝憤怒，讓我的家庭更加緊密。
傳遞給大家滿滿的愛♥，
偉麗
Samuel and Norden were
arguing again upstairs
I sighed. For these two, it is always about studying Chinese.
“Why do I have to learn Chinese?!” Norden shouted.
“Because! … ”
I pictured Samuel explaining for the hundredth time, then he lost it.
“You just have to!!”
I took off my blue-light glasses and pushed away from my laptop. Time for the mommy magic. Samuel and I had just talked about this last night. He agreed to let me intervene if he loses his temper with Norden.
I went upstairs and opened the office door. I gave Samuel a knowing look. Reluctantly, Samuel sat back in his chair and turned away from Norden.
I stepped in.
Intervening in the middle of a crisis comes naturally to me. After all, I’ve had two decades of practice.
Effortlessly, I transformed into my Behavior Analyst role. I was objective, light, and even playful.
Gradually, Norden stopped shouting. No more tears and huff puff.
“Mommy, you always want me to be honest. Daddy lied. He said all I need to do is this one page. Then he added more.”
“I hear you Nor. Is it possible you didn’t pay attention when Daddy first gave you instructions?”
“No. But it doesn’t matter, I can’t get my 30 minutes [game time] anyway.” So that is the real reason! There is no motivation to study.
“I see. Why?”
“Because I didn't write my journal before 9 am.”
“Oh, I see. So what if instead of writing 1 page, you write 2 pages? Then you can ask if it’s possible to still earn the game time. Everything is possible, as long as you are willing.”
...
An hour later, Norden came downstairs, “Daddy said I had a good attitude and I am all done with my Chinese. Now I am going to make up my journal. If I write two pages, can I play?”
“Anything is possible Nor. But if I were you, I would show the results first, then your negotiation will have more power.”
Ten minutes later, he showed me his completed journal and even named it Part I and Part II.
I smiled. Yes, that is growth.
He and I were not always this close. I have worked really hard for the last three years to build this relationship. He knows “I get him”. I get his humor, his playfulness, his jokes. I get how he cares about his look, his image. He wants to be cool.
He knows I am interested in his life, his school, his friends, his teachers, his everything. Norden has a big heart. He is smart. I bite my tongue if the word “lazy” ever comes up in my mind. He is building character and work ethic now. Well, he is also a twelve-year-old who likes to take shortcuts.
Just as I was self-congratulating how good of a mom that I am, the next morning I lost it.
I had the biggest fight with Norden. It was the worst in the history of our co-existence.
I watched my anger rise but I couldn't stop it. Rage engulfed me in seconds. He stomped upstairs and I screamed like a madwoman from downstairs to the point that my chest hurt. This physical pain had never happened before.
It shocked me.
I must calm down!
I went into my bedroom and put on a swamp song. I was so mad at him but more at myself. I cried in anger and shame.
Five minutes later, my alarm went off. It was my morning River Cleanse time with Sally.
I called, still sobbing … “I feel the pain deep in my heart. I love my son so much. I don’t know what happened...how did I get so angry so fast… I’m like this with no one else in the world but Norden...what happened to me during those moments ...who was in the driver’s seat? Something in me was completely triggered.”
15 minutes later, I came out of the room, temporarily in peace.
I got in the car to drive to an appointment and looked for an audible book to listen to.
“What happened to you?” by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry, a neuroscientist and psychiatrist, caught my eye and I listened.
We all have traumas. Every single one of us, big or small and in all colors and shapes. Our bodies hold our trauma. Suppressed emotions get stuck in our bodies and eat away our spirit. I realized there is nothing wrong with being angry. Anger is just an opportunity to release.
I had been taught that getting mad is bad: a judgment I place on myself.
Now I understand how getting to experience anger at its fullest and releasing it is such a gift. All emotions are beautiful. They are all colors in the rainbow and fuel for our soul.
Norden and I talked and set new boundaries that night. The next day was beautiful again. We went shopping, ate ice cream and watched a movie.
We went around the dinner table and each of us shared our triggers. We learned some new things about each other in our family of four.
“My language and art teacher is strict but nice. Mom, you are the same. You are nice and strict. Sometimes too strict.” He smiled, half teasing.
“Thank you.” I smiled back.
Thank you, Norden, for being my teacher. Thank you, anger, for bringing my family even closer.
Love,
WeiLi
