臥病在床兩天了，什麽也沒寫。
從沒想過自己會說這樣的話，“我想念寫作。”
在過去的十二個月裏，寫回憶錄是一個令人精疲力竭的過程。最初的三個月裏，寫下了那些痛苦的時刻，讓我流淚，感動，甚至恐懼和疑惑，但這是一種治愈。
盡管如此，夜以繼日的寫作還是讓人精神疲憊。我想把這事完成。然而，沒有人能幫我編輯我的故事。這是屬於我的生活和故事。假如我不擁有它，還有誰會擁有它？既然這樣，繼續吧。
又過了半年，就在送給編輯反饋之前，心裏有個聲音說:“不，這本書還沒寫好。少了點什麽。”我聽從了內心聲音，把它收了回來。又一輪編輯開始了。
“要有耐心。”錫源說, “天生我材必有用。 你的天賦不會被浪費。”
我的寫作老師說過：“著書是一場馬拉鬆，不是短跑。” 現在我確信她是對的。
那麽，為什麽想念寫作呢？因為它給予我巨大的自由體驗。我想念釋放自己的感覺。那是一種放手並不加評判地寫下任何想到的東西。這種自由是給予自己的珍貴禮物。
2022 年最期待的是繼續發展這份天賦，寫作並分享。 值得過的人生，就是值得記錄的人生。 我期待著創造又一個充滿大大小小神奇時刻的一年。
我也期待著加深與登登的關係，並慶祝作為他的媽媽的升級版本。
“恬恬長大後會為社會做出巨大貢獻的，”我說。
“我想我們的兩個孩子都會的，”錫源說。
“你是對的。”我確定，這是我在2022年最期待的。
最重要的是，我期待看到兒子成長為一個快樂成熟的13歲孩子，不管對於一個青少年來說成熟是什麽樣子。今年對他來說是關鍵的一年。到目前為止，像坐過山車一樣。有些日子他是一個很棒的孩子，有些日子我覺得他戴著一個反麵角色的麵具。你如何去愛一個一點也不可愛的人呢?
我所感受到的不尊重、傷害、挫敗和無力感比生命中其他事情都要大，使得他成為我一生中最大的老師。
2022年1月3日，晚上9:30，又一場爭吵後，我和錫源坐在餐桌旁，都感到失望。錫源是一位非常棒的父親。“分享智慧”經常被他擱置一旁—他和登登一起玩來福槍、踢足球和學習電子遊戲，這讓登登會興奮地尖叫。即使這樣的爸爸，有時也會失去耐心。
“我是一名行為分析師。為什麽一提到登登我就忘了受過的專業訓練？我們需要對非原則性的不良行為使用計劃性忽視，無論它使我們如何抓狂。”我抬起頭，微笑著說出這句話。
第二天它起作用了。
登登來到我的生命之前，兩年不孕不育。我想告訴登登:“寶貝，媽媽一生都在為你的到來做準備。你完全值得我每一分鍾的等待。”
因為我知道一旦掌握了如何做登登母親的藝術，宇宙就會為我打開另一扇門。解鎖做他的媽媽的藝術就是讓我成為一個更好的人。一個更有耐心和愛心的媽媽。這是我最期待的！
傳遞給大家滿滿的愛
偉麗
Sick in bed for two days, I haven’t written anything.
I never guessed I would say something like this, “I miss writing.”
Writing my memoir has been a grueling process in the last twelve months. The initial three months of writing down the raw moments triggered tears, tender emotions, even fears and uncertainty, yet it was healing.
Still, the day and night writing brought on mental exhaustion. I wanted it to be done with. Then, I found out no one can edit my story as well as I can. It is my life, my story. If I don’t own it, who else will? With that, I carried on.
Another six months passed by, just before giving it to pre-readers for feedback, a voice in my heart said: “No, this book is not ready yet. Something is missing.” I listened to my heart and pulled it back. Another round of editing started.
“Be patient.” Samuel said.
“TianShenWoCaiBiYouYong. Your God-given gift will not be wasted.”
My writing teacher said, “Writing a book is a marathon, not a sprint.” Now I know she is right.
So why did I miss writing? Writing provides a tremendous freeing experience. I miss the feeling of freeing myself. It is the feeling of letting go and downloading whatever comes to mind with no judgment. This kind of freedom is only one can give to oneself as a precious gift.
In 2022, I am most looking forward to continuing to grow my gift, to write and to share. A life worth living is one worth recording. I look forward to creating another year made of magical moments, big and small.
I am also looking forward to is deepening my relationship with Norden and celebrating a better version of me, as his mom.
“I think Serena will contribute greatly to society when she grows up,” I said.
“I think both our children will,” Samuel said.
“I think you are right.” I agreed. And that is what I am most looking forward to in 2022.
More than anything in the world, I am most looking forward to watching my son grow into a happy and maturing 13-year old, however maturing looks like for a teenager. This year will be a critical year for him. So far it has been a rollercoaster ride. Some days he is a wonderful child, other days I feel like he’s wearing a different mask with a completely opposite personality. How do you love someone who is just so not lovable at the moment?
The disrespect, hurt, frustration and sense of powerlessness I felt was way bigger than anything else in my life, making him my biggest teacher in this lifetime.
1/3/2022, 9:30 pm, after another fight, I sat down at the dinner table with Samuel, both feeling defeated. Samuel is such a wonderful father. Wisdom sharing—which often gets pushed aside—he plays with Norden with nerf guns, soccer and learning video games making Norden shriek with excitement. Even a papa like that loses his patience sometimes.
“I am a behavior analyst. Why do I always forget my professional training when it comes to Norden? We need to use Planned Ignoring for minor inappropriate behaviors no matter how it drives us nuts.” I looked up and smiled as those words came out.
It worked the next day.
It was two years of infertility before Norden came. I want to tell Norden, “Baby, Mom has been preparing all my life for your arrival. And you are totally worth each minute of the wait.”
I know once I master the art of being a mom to Norden, the universe will open another door for me. To master the art of being a mom to him is to grow me to be a better human being. A more patient and more loving Mom. I am most looking forward to that!
