這天開始的時候很普通。
早上 4 點 50 分起床，敷上麵膜，喝了一杯檸檬水，做了半個小時的瑜伽。
五點半的時候走上樓，盤腿坐在冥想墊子上，與 Dr.Joe Dispenza 一起度過了20分鍾，恬恬正在柔軟蓬鬆的毯子裏半睡半醒。
然後下樓去，在蹦床上跳了 10 分鍾，拿著一個8磅重的啞鈴來加強手臂肌肉。同時觀看了自己精心製作的 《2021心靈電影》和回憶錄頻。
早上 6 點 10 分，來到電腦前。 今天是40 天 40 次寫作中的一天，題目是“動物”，我寫了關於一隻臭鼬的早期記憶，它吃了我嘰嘰叫的黃羽毛小雞，在 7 歲的我的眼中和心裏，它應該死去。
半小時後，一隻早起的鳥兒開始唱歌，這時我從書頁上抬起頭來。 透過兩扇拱形的窗戶，我看到一絲朝陽從地平線上升起。 來自後院的一個美人魚和兩個跳舞女孩的女神雕像的影子，從黑暗中開始在我眼前浮現。
當橙色的光線開始一寸一寸地驅散烏雲。我深吸一口氣，將雙臂伸過頭頂。 清晨的鳥兒在歡呼。
我漸入禪境。
然後，當我低頭看屏幕時，突然變了。 我的筆記本電腦上彈出一句話：此設備上沒有剩餘空間。
心中頓時一陣悸動。這是什麽意思？ 我要等錫源醒來請他幫忙。 這時我卻注意到右肩有些緊張。
點擊忽略，繼續寫了一個小時。
當錫源起床時，他需要出門修眼鏡，我隻好叫恬恬下樓來幫忙。她熟練地點擊了一些按鈕並打開了一個窗口，讓我刪除大容量的文件以釋放更多的空間。
花了大約一個小時瀏覽列表並刪除文件，隨後發現Dropbox上的文件也同時被刪除了。我一直使用Dropbox作為備份解決方案，這樣就不會丟失任何東西，可現在備份文件不見了!
“親愛的你看，這是怎麽回事？”我感到沮喪和失敗。
研究了幾分鍾後，恬恬聳了聳肩膀隨意地回道：“我不知道。”
“你能幫我想清楚嗎？” 我試圖保持冷靜來回應她無所謂的態度。
“等爸爸回來後，我們一起做。他知道的可能比我多。”出乎意料的是，她坐在客廳的地毯上，開始了她的750塊金魚拚圖，完全不理會我已經不耐煩的聲音。
隨著內心的挫敗感不斷增加，我提醒自己再深吸一口氣，並覺察到自己的舊觸發點出現了：在科技麵前感覺自己很愚蠢。
恬恬很聰明，她不用多久就會搞明白。可為什麽她不能現在幫我？但我忍住了，什麽也沒說。
這時我注意到冰箱門上的登登每周積分圖表。
“登登，你能下來嗎？” 我按下牆上的對講機按鈕。
此時是中午12點半，他手裏端著一小盤蒸餃和一個蒙古包，匆匆下樓。
“我們家的飲食規則是什麽？” 我指了指他手裏的食物。他知道不能在樓上吃飯。
“好的！好的！” 他顯然是為了盡快回到他正在做的事情上。
今天的這種做法是怎麽回事？ 我努力保持冷靜，深吸一口氣，壓下心中的煩躁。 “你能告訴我這周怎麽會有額外的136分嗎？” 我指的是積分係統，可以讓他用積分換取視頻遊戲時間。
我以為他會很快給我解釋的，關於如何計算分數，然後他立刻回到他的事情上。
“你是什麽意思？！” 他嚴厲地揚起眉毛。
我又解釋了一遍，盡量保持耐心。
“我不知道！！” 他開始在廚房裏大喊大叫。
他的態度讓我崩潰。他像一個三歲的孩子一樣尖叫、哭泣和跺腳，然後我開始像他一樣大喊大叫。
看著自己內心的憤怒在上升。就像一個房間著火了，速度如此之快。 不知不覺中，大火吞噬了我。
“你不在乎？ 好的！” 我從冰箱上把圖表撕成碎片，這是我以前從未做過的事，連自己都感到驚訝。而恬恬一直坐在她的地毯上玩她的金魚拚圖，沒有被打擾。
“天啊，媽媽！你脾氣暴躁!” 他冷笑一聲，跺著腳回到樓上。
我衝出後門，穿過水池，衝下石階，在最後一級台階上坐下。 然後淚流滿麵，覺得內心如此渺小，對他最後的話深感慚愧。
怎麽了我？為什麽還對他發脾氣？
保持美麗狀態的呢？ 高我在哪裏？ 天使在哪裏？
哦，關鍵問題是什麽？
就是：恩賜是什麽？ 我聽到自己的回答。
不，我隻想哭！！我的另一個聲音喊道。
感到如此多的情緒碰撞在一起，就像巨大的海嘯，甚至無法描述。於是我放開了手，哭得像個三歲小孩。
幾分鍾後，我感到情緒的海洋隨著眼淚的流出而離開了我。
我想起自己內心深處的核心詞：大自然！
於是從台階上站起來，開始在草地上行走。我注意到遊泳池後麵的石牆上長著一株小雜草。
我開始把它們一個接一個地拔出來。 這並不難。 但令我吃驚的是，除了雜草，還長出了可怕的長根，它們仍然緊緊抓住泥土塊。 那株小小的野草，隻有幾片葉子，大半個身體都藏在石縫裏。 這就是它們在裂縫深處獲取營養的方式。
我們的憤怒是一樣的嗎?表麵上觸動我們的事情通常有一個根深蒂固的原因。孩子們對父母的充分尊重深深植根於我的文化和信仰體係中。正是這種偏差引發了這樣的憤怒和痛苦。
邁著輕快的腳步我回了屋子。恬恬還在地板上拚圖，一條美麗的金魚已經呈現出來了。 拿出自己的宣泄日記，記錄下對剛剛過去的痛苦經曆的身體感覺。這時我注意到最後一條記錄是 2021 年 1 月 10 日，寫著“剛剛對登登發脾氣”。 那是六個多星期前的事情。
哇，六個星期！ 這是我和登登之間最長時間的和平。自己笑了笑。
後來在飯桌上，錫源幫忙開啟了媽媽與兒子晨戰的對話（我提前和老公聊過）。 恬恬讓登登明白了，媽媽是一位想幫助她孩子的隊友。
完成所有廚房雜務後，登登來到我的房間，盤腿坐在柔軟的羊毛地毯上。 我們角色扮演了如何正確回答媽媽的問題。 他高興地離開了，我感到很幸福。
今天又是美好的一天。它以一個美麗的音符結束。
What are you afraid of?
I am afraid of dying with the music still left in me.
I am afraid of losing my center and forgetting who I am.
I WAS afraid of getting lost, which I did yesterday.
It started as a regular day.
I got up at 4:50 a.m., put on a facial mask, drank a glass of lemon water and met with Adrianne for half an hour on the yoga mat with my iPad and AirPods.
5:30 a.m. I walked upstairs, sat crisscrossed on my meditation pillow and spent 20 minutes with Dr. Joe Dispenza with Serena half-sleeping in her fluffy blanket.
I then came downstairs and jumped on my rebounder for 10 minutes, while watching my well-crafted 2021 Mind Movie and my memoir frequency video, with an eight-pound dumbbell to strengthen my arm muscles at the same time.
Promptly at 6:10 am, I sat down at my computer. Today’s writing prompt from 40 days 40 writes was ‘Animal’, so I wrote about an earlier memory of a skunk who ate my chirping yellow-feathered chicks and deserved to die in my 7-year-old’s eye and heart.
Half an hour later, an early bird started to sing and that’s when I looked up from the page. Through the two arched windows, I saw a hint of morning sun come up from the horizon. Mysterious shadows of the feminine statues, one mermaid and two dancing girls in the backyard, started to appear out of the darkness in front of my eyes.
I took a cleansing breath and stretched my arms overhead when the orange light began to lift the grey clouds inch by inch. The morning birds cheered her on.
I was in a Zen place.
Then everything changed when I looked down at my screen. A sentence popped up on my laptop: No space left on this device.
There was an immediate disturbance in my mind. What does it mean? I will ask Samuel to help me when he wakes up. I noticed the tension in my right shoulder.
I clicked ignore and carried on writing for another hour.
When Samuel got up, he had to leave to get his glasses fixed so I called for Serena to come downstairs and help instead. She expertly clicked on some buttons and opened a window for me to delete big files of documents to free up more space.
I spent the next hour or so going through the list and deleting files, but then I discovered files were getting deleted from my Dropbox at the same time. I had been using Dropbox as a backup solution so nothing would get lost, but now my backup documents were gone!
I was getting frustrated and feeling defeated. “Honey? Look, what’s happening?”
After studying for a few minutes, “I don’t know.” Serena casually announced, lifting a shoulder.
“Could you please figure it out for me?” I tried to stay calm in response to her no-big-deal attitude.
“Later. After Dad comes back, we’ll do it together. He probably knows more than me.” Unexpectedly, she sat down on the living room floor rug and started to work on her 750-piece puzzle of a goldfish, ignoring the impatience in my voice.
With my internal frustration growing, I reminded myself to take another deep breath and noticed an old trigger coming up: feeling stupid around technology.
She is brilliant. It won’t take her long to figure it out at all. Why can’t she help me now? But I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything.
Then I noticed Norden’s weekly point chart on the refrigerator door.
“Norden, could you please come down?” I pressed the intercom button on the wall.
It was half-past noon, he came downstairs hastily, with a small plate of steamed dumplings and a go-yurt in his hand.
“What's our house rule of eating?” I pointed to the food in his hand. He knew better than to eat upstairs.
“OK! OK!” He clearly wanted to get back to whatever he was doing, fast.
What’s up with this attitude today? I tried to stay calm, took a deep breath and pushed down my annoyance. “Could you please show me how there is an extra 136 points for this week?” I was referring to our point system that lets him exchange points for video game time.
I thought it would be a quick explanation for him to tell me the calculation, then he could go back to his routine and me, mine.
“What do you mean?!” He raised his eyebrow harshly.
I explained again and tried to be patient.
“I don’t know!!” He started to shout––in my kitchen.
His attitude was my breaking point. He was screaming, crying and stomping like a three-year-old so I started to yell back like him.
I watched my internal anger rise. Like a room catching ablaze, so fast. Before I knew it, the fire consumed me.
“You don’t care? Fine!” I tore the chart from the fridge and shredded it to pieces, which I have never done before and surprised even myself. All the while Serena sat on her rug doing the puzzle with her golden fish, not being bothered.
“Geez, mommy has some anger issues!” He sneered and stomped back upstairs.
I stormed out of the back door, crossed the pool, rushed down the stone steps and sat down on the last step. Then I burst into tears, feeling so small inside. I was deeply ashamed of his last words.
What is happening to me? Why am I still losing my temper with him?
What about staying in a beautiful state? Where is my higher self? Where are the angels?
Oh, what is my primary question?
It is: What is the gift? I heard myself answer.
No, I just want to fucking cry!! My other voice shouted out.
I felt so many emotions crashing against each other like the huge wave of a tsunami I couldn’t even begin to describe. So I let go and cried like a three-year-old.
A few minutes later, I felt the ocean of emotions leaving me along with the outpouring of tears.
I started to remember my center word: nature.
So I got up from the steps and started to walk on the grass in my light purple slippers that were passed down from my daughter. I noticed a small weed growing on the stone wall behind our pool. I began to pull them out, one by one. It wasn’t hard. But I was surprised when, along with the weeds, out came horrendously long roots still grasping onto clumps of dirt. That tiny little weed, just a few leaves, was hiding most of its body buried in the slits of the stones. That is how they get their nutrients, deep down beneath the cracks.
Is our anger the same? Something that would trigger us on the surface usually has a much deep-rooted cause. My children’s full respect for a parent is deeply rooted in my culture and my belief system. It was the deviation that triggered such anger and pain.
I walked back to the house with light steps. Serena is still on the floor and her goldfish is coming together so beautifully. I got my swamp journal out and recorded my body sensation of this just-passed suffering experience. I noticed the last entry was January 10, 2021, and I had written, I just lost my temper with Norden. That was just a little over six weeks ago.
Wow, six weeks! That was the longest peace Norden and I ever had. I smiled.
Later, at the dinner table, Samuel helped to initiate the conversation of Mommy and son’s morning battle (I talked to my hubby ahead of time to brainstorm). Serena helped Norden to understand that Mommy is a teammate who wants to help her children.
After completing all his kitchen chores, Norden came to my room and sat crossed-legged on the soft sheep rug. We role-played how to answer Mommy’s questions properly. He left happy and I felt blessed.
It started as a beautiful day. It ended on a beautiful note.
So what am I afraid of?
I am afraid of dying with music still left in me.
I am afraid of losing my center and forgetting who I am.
But I am not afraid of getting lost because I will always find my way.
Love,
WeiLi
麗麗查一下你的QQH，謝謝