老大的幽默小品文《我的一生》

我的一生

當我從商店被買走的時候，我一點都不害怕，相反，我甚至還有點高興。因為我終於等到機會可以去毀掉某個倒黴蛋的生活了，哈哈。所以，當我終於，終於給吃掉的時候，你可以想見，我早已準備好去那個家夥的胃裏大幹一場了。

我做的第一件事是讓他的嘴巴像著了火一樣。我知道這時候，喝水也無濟於事。他將會遭受第一輪痛苦。接著，當他試圖把我快速吞下去的時候，我會保證他的喉嚨將比他的嘴巴更難受。盡管我看不見，但我相信熱辣辣的眼淚會從他的眼睛裏流出來。

往食管走的路上，我確保我的下滑會讓他吃點小小的苦頭：這種難受談不上傷害，但足以讓他在吃完我幾個小時之後還有那種怪怪的不舒服的感覺。

我決定開始全麵出擊，在他的胃裏開展大規模的破壞行動。我在胃壁上塗滿了熾熱的香料。這一次，我不打算放過任何一個角落，這能讓他的胃疼上一整天。可千萬別可憐他！

幾個小時以後，我終於被迫離開了那裏--不過無所謂，他走向衛生間的路途將舉步維艱。而且，你等著瞧吧，他在馬桶上至少得坐上兩個小時。

我知道我會死。不過，人生自古誰無死呢？所以，我死之前，一定也得讓這個毀滅了我生命的家夥，受點小罪，然後我就可以快樂地離開這個世界啦。

現在你猜到我是誰了嗎？我就是一個紅辣椒。希望你就餐愉快哦！

（注：這篇是命題作文，老大的中文課老師讓她寫篇作文，用上5個人體的器官名詞。老大遂成此戲文。03/13/2021）

My Life

When I was first bought from the store, I wasn’t scared. In fact, I was happy that I finally had the chance to ruin some poor kid’s life. So, when I was finally, finally eaten, you bet that I was ready to wreak havoc on this poor guy’s stomach.

       First thing I did was make sure his mouth was set perfectly on fire. I knew that at this point, water wouldn’t help. He would suffer in pain for the REST OF THE DAY. Then, as he attempted to swallow in a futile attempt to get rid of the burning pain that was me, I made sure that he choked so that I would make his throat feel worse than it already was. Although I couldn’t see it, I was confident that his eyes were watering from the heat.

       On the way down his esophagus, I slide down carefully in such a way that it would feel like his chest was just mildly uncomfortable. Not enough to hurt, but enough so that even a couple of hours after he finished eating, he would STILL feel that weird, uncomfortable feeling.

       In his stomach was when I first decided to spread out and start the mass destruction. I painted the stomach lining with burning-hot spice. This time, I wouldn’t miss any spot. I would make sure this guy’s stomach hurt the whole day. No mercy for him!

       A couple of hours later, and I was finally being forced out of the stomach. That was okay, though. His trip to the bathroom would be complete hell. I would make sure he sat on that toilet for TWO HOURS.

       I knew I would die. I mean, in the end, doesn’t everyone die? But before I die, I have to ruin at least one person’s life. Then I can die happy.

       Can you guess what I am? Yeah, I’m a red pepper. Hope you have a nice meal J!