暖冬cool夏
這裏一年四季溫暖如春，沒有酷暑沒有嚴寒......
女兒從小生性膽小，不像其他孩子那麽活潑大膽。記得在她一歲左右，我弟弟碰巧有機會來廣州看我們。然而女兒見到這麽一個陌生高大的男子，第一反映是哭，哭哭停停，後來幹脆哭個不停，搞得我弟弟最後都不敢進門。兩歲多送她去幼兒園，拉尿不敢跟老師說，就拉在褲襠裏，幾次中午接她回家，褲襠是濕的。
快三歲時，我帶她漂洋過海，來投奔先我們而來的先生。剛來的前幾年，我沒有身份，沒有工卡，不會開車，後來學開車又出了狀況，比平常的人要晚一些時間上路，所以一直呆在家裏，白天帶孩子，晚上上學。那段時間應該是我們娘倆相處最多最寶貴的時光。可是，長在紅旗下、接受著“女子能頂半邊天”教育的我，不安心呆在家裏“碌碌無為”。後來在dotcom風光無限好的日子裏學炒股票。早晨6：30起床，盯著滾動的電腦屏幕看，女兒起床後，給她弄點吃的，然後常常留她一個人坐在看電視，以為我自己在做著更重要的事。剛開始時，錢是賺到了一些，可2000-2001年股市風雲變幻，股票泡沫破裂，還沒來不及抽身，已灰飛煙滅。賺的錢全賠進去不說，本也賠了不少，留下每年三千塊的loss在IRS的稅單上連連出現。其實人生何嚐不是如此，忙忙碌碌一場空。當時看起來重要的事，再回首時，不再重要，當年忽略了的事，再追憶，後悔不已。
等到女兒的英文跟上以後，三歲多了，覺得該送她出去上幼兒園，學會跟小朋友打交道。先是送到家附近的一家kindercare，沒想到，她哭得厲害，老師也是一個看上去凶凶的胖女人。每次接她，隻見她兩眼汪汪，紅紅的。老師跟我說，她時不時地哭，讓她很驚訝的是，她居然能說出家裏的電話號碼，讓老師打電話給我，好讓我去接她回家。後來，看她一直沒什麽好轉，就想換一家，送到社區辦的Tiny Tots這種半正式的幼兒班，這種班隻有半天，隻有一個老師，需要家長做義工，帶食物。送去後，又是哭，哭了兩天，第三天老師就不容商量地跟我說，你女兒沒有ready，她們沒有人手特別照顧她，所以她必須退出，否則影響其他同齡的同學。隻記得那天中午，在走回家的路上，我憋了一肚子的火，終於爆發了。我衝著她罵，“媽媽跟你說了多少遍，就一個上午，媽媽就接你回家了。你為什麽哭，你有什麽好哭的，為什麽別的小朋友可以，你不行？” 我越說越生氣，最後氣急敗壞的我氣沖衝地走在前麵，留下女兒一個人，踩這那輛小自行車在後麵，邊追，邊哭。
這一幕今日回想起來還在眼前。其實，我的孩子那時候就是沒有ready，不管我心氣多高，她就是需要更多的時間，去適應，去調整。事實證明，半年後，我再送她去時，她就沒有再哭。而我那時就是不能接受自己的小孩被人家退學的現實，以為有多嚴重，孩子有多沒用。為什麽我沒有從另一個角度想想，這裏的老師有沒有責任？兩歲多在廣州幼兒園就沒有出現過這種情況，來這以後，還念念不忘那兒的鄧老師。
每個孩子不同，性格不同，長短不同，如果說，孩子天生膽小，個性不夠好，那也是我這個做母親的沒有給她生好, 或是三歲之前沒有給她帶好，要說有錯，錯在我。我為什麽不能再耐心些，再給她點時間, 而不是衝著她發火？再退一步，即便我的孩子不被認可，那又有什麽了不起的？我母親曾經說過，我小時候也是個很膽小的孩子，帶我走親訪友，腳還沒有踏進門檻，嘴先張開哭起來。那又如何呢？歲月的這把磨刀，還不是把我練成今日這樣一個“女漢子”？
誰都是初為人母, 誰都會有過失，而總是有做的好的母親，因為她們懂得，養孩子的過程也是一個母親自身修身養性，修煉的過程，學會耐心再耐心。而我沒有做好，也沒有機會重來。
My daughter was born with a sensitive personality and was a crying baby when she was little. Raising her up exhausted me to some extent, and my patience was tested time and time again.
When she was almost three, I brought her with me to join my husband, who found a job here in the U.S. Like most Chinese immigrants, we have been through some hard time when I did not have the green card and cannot work. From being a full-time teacher to a stay-at-home mom, I was at a loss. I remember that quite often I left her with TVs in the mornings , while I was sitting in front of the computer watching and trading stocks. Then the dot-com bubble busted, and all the money invested along with the gains were dumped to the sea. That's life. When you think you were striving for something important, you actually ended up with nothing, but regret.
Then came the time when I decided to send my daughter out to kindergarten. At first, we tried the nearby Kindercare, but she cried so hard each and every day that I had to transfer her out to a program called Tiny Tots in the community center. Nevertheless, her crying continued. On the third day, the teacher told me that my daughter had to leave the class, as she was not ready, and that they didn't have extra hands to take care of her individually. I was frustrated and desperate for an explanation why she could not handle it like all the other kids at her age. That day, on the way home, I exploded in rage at her, walked briskly at front, leaving her behind crying and pedaling hard in her bike to catch a furious mom.
Looking back, I know I owed her an apology. If there is anyone to blame, I am the person, not her. Parenting is a processs of a mother nurturing herself, and asks for arts and maximum patience. I am not the one who lives up to the expectation, and I have no chance to correct the mistake as the time fleets irreversibly.
也謝謝“pugongyin"的到訪。
隻想問問，何不再生個孩子呢？
What difference would it had made, as far as raising your daughter was concerned, if you had made money in the dotcom?
我太理解你了。我也衝孩子發過火，發火的方式也一樣，事後懊悔不已。我還一邊喂奶一邊讀書，現在換成一邊催她們練琴，一邊自己玩手機。都是沒有全心意地去陪伴。
謝謝你提醒，孩子轉眼就大了。準備改進，趁我還來得及。
我在家陪了孩子整整十年，挺好的。孩子離開家又去工作，想想，最美的時光還是和他在一起的時候。