暖冬cool夏
這裏一年四季溫暖如春，沒有酷暑沒有嚴寒......
若為人父母是一份工作，那麽它可能是天底下最難的工作。你傾心傾力，可最後結果並非如你所願。工作不喜歡，可以換，養孩子卻沒有這樣的選擇自由。人們喜歡說（或者過去有一種非常流行的理論），孩子生來是一張白紙或一塊白板，在白板上寫什麽，教什麽，教好教壞，責任在父母。甚至言，“There are no bad children, ... only bad parents.“ （中國也有一句俗語，子不教，父之過）。 因此有許多guilt-ridden的父母，飽受愧疚折磨，為自己沒有把孩子培養好、培養成他們心目中所期盼的樣子而自責不已。
這本Parenting Isn't for Cowards是這次整理書架時看到的。這本書出版於1987年，作者James C. Dobson是一位博士，心理學家、婚姻家庭孩子問題的谘詢專家。他在經過35000問卷調查研究之後寫了這樣的一本暢銷書。書的前半部分主要講他的問卷調查結果。他把孩童分成兩大類，compliant child和 strong-willed/defiant child,也就是我們通常意義上說的，聽話的乖孩子和個性較強的強脾氣孩子（容易叛逆），然後用問卷調查的數據來說明乖孩子的好養和強孩子的難對付，無論是在家、在學校、在職場，乖孩子總比強脾氣的孩子受人喜歡，容易成功。當然，書中也提到，個性強一度不被看好的孩子日後成功的也不少，也就是我們現在常說的，C學生當上CEO，管理A學生這樣活生生的例子。
那麽孩子的性格是父母培養出來的嗎？同樣一個家庭為什麽會有性格截然不同的孩子？作者在第五章（p62)的開頭說了這樣一件事。 他去參加一個婚禮，在牧師讓這對新人親吻彼此後，150隻五彩繽紛的氣球放飛在加州蔚藍的天空下。幾分鍾後，有些氣球升入高空，有些則開始偏離人們的視線，還有的被掛在樹杈上動彈不得，它們有的飛得快，有的飛得慢，有的飛得高，有的飛得低。它們由同一材料製成，裏麵含有同等量的氦氣，在同一天空下，一樣享受著陽光和風的撫慰，卻為什麽有著不同的表現和結果？
推而及人。
由此引出作者的一個觀點：人生而不同，一個人的秉性與其說是後天形成的，不如說是娘胎裏帶來的。現實生活中，我們也看到很多這樣的例子，同一父母所生，兄弟姐妹的脾氣性格可以天差地別 ，智商情商都可能不在同一水平線上，一個小孩可以乖巧甜到你恨不能整日捧在掌心裏（hug him to pieces），另一個則可能讓你頭痛不已；一個可能是godly man, 而他的兄弟可能是rascal(p.187) 。
再想想，上帝創造亞當夏娃，給了他們一個sinless world, 他們依然stumbled into sin. 人性中天生有叛逆、有自私、有不誠實和貪婪，等等。
借此作者安慰那些心存愧疚的父母，孩子的個性形成很複雜，很大一部分是天生的，內在的，尤其在孩子進入青春期後，父母的影響力遠抵不過來自社會和夥伴的力量（peer pressure)。
當然，作者也提倡父母在孩子的成長過程，勒緊手中的韁繩(rein him in)，該discipline時絕不手軟。作者也提到loosen and tighten這樣的概念，即小事上放手大事上嚴控。
當我讀這樣一本38年前出版的書時，我不禁自我對照 ： 我的孩子屬於哪一類，書中說到的例子有沒有在我或是我的孩子身上發生？我算是成功的母親還是失敗者？我應不應該自責？如果人生能夠重來，我應該怎麽做？既然人生不能重來，我又能做什麽？對待一個已經離家工作、漸行漸遠的孩子，我如何放手？可以徹底放手了嗎？
顯然有些問題是沒有答案的。然而在讀到全書的最後一兩頁，在作者摘自《讀者文摘》一封來自母親的信中，我找到兩個最大的共鳴點：
1. 信中說，在當時（電話尚不是很普及的八十年代）孩子打電話回家，常常是父母付費（phone home collect), 她（母親）抓起電話，兩隻手緊握著，想盡辦法去賄賂（bribe)孩子回家。。。
-- 我不也如此嗎？給孩子包攬所有回家的飛機票；帶孩子回國，自己坐經濟艙給孩子買premium seat, 製造話題跟孩子聯絡感情：這邊新開了一家日本超市，下次回家我帶你去。。。所有種種其實就是在“賄賂”孩子，希望孩子常回家。
2. 信中提到，。。。父母還要刻意跟孩子保持距離（an effortfully kept distance)。
-- Bingo! 其實哪一個父母不希望孩子跟自己貼心？一個小時候滔滔不絕跟你說個沒完的孩子，長大了跟父母的話卻越來越少，而父母還要努力去保持一定距離，隻為了給孩子足夠的空間，一個徹底屬於他們的空間，不去過多打擾過多參與他們的生活。可憐天下父母心！
作者是個虔誠的基督徒，這本書並沒有提供太多的建議和指導（how-to guide）, 對一些讀者提出的現象和問題無法解釋給出建議時，常常求助於聖經和神的引領。所以它實際上更像一本慶賀為人父母的書，a celebration of parenthood, 一本積極向上肯定父母辛勞和付出的書，一本告誡世人，人無完人父母也是人，從而建議給天下父母更多理解，更多勇氣，讓他們不懼怕的書。
無疑，是父母把一個粉嫩的新生兒一點點撫養成人，在他們最無助最容易受傷的階段保護著他們，是父母二十年如一日無怨無悔甘為孺子牛。生育孩子，為人父母是受神祝福的偉業，有父母，這地球上的人類才能生生不息，才能世世代代薪火相傳，而肯定這一點在當今越來越多的年輕人選擇不婚不育的情形下有著非同尋常的意義。
從我們父母角度而言，生養孩子雖然辛苦，卻是一個有回饋、精神上富有的體驗。孩子是我們在這個世上最大的legacy。當我們離開人世化為灰燼時，血脈相承的孩子是我們來過這個世界的活的印跡（living testament)。
願父母不悔付出，願青年人勇擔為父為母之責。
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quotes & notes:
Their first born child is conceived in love and born in great joy. The first smile; the first word; the first birthday; the first step. Every milestone is a cause for celebration.
It is a labor of love that knows no limits.
these bodies we've lovingly washed, bandaged, dressed, stuffed good food and vitamins into, kept out of the lake and off of the roads.
We know we are flawed.
He is an embarrassment in public and an irritant at home, an intolerable misfit in the family.
It is an emotional pit into which many parents have tumbled.
his pain may manifest itself in unrestrained rebellion during the adolescent years.
human emotions are flighty and fickle.
Their son's or daughter's greatest weakness will glow in the light of another child's strength. It is an unsettling experience.
They strain to make him become what he is not... what he can never be.
But in public, his tongure becomes wedged to the side of his cheek and no amount of goading by his parents will make him outgoing, flamboyant or confident.
love this unlovable boy
stiff-necked rebellion
wiggle free from their parents' clutches
internalize his anger and look for ways to reroute it.
Haven't you seen two-child family where one youngster was a stick of dynamite who blew up regularly, and the other was an All-star sweetheart?
They should permeate our conversation and the fabric of our lives.
He differs from the rest of the human family only in degree, not in kind.
Parents are people. They have their vulnerabilities and flash points too.
After all, if there is no "fire" there can be no burnout.
A wedge is thereby direven between them that may someday destroy the family.
You'll crowd your day with junk... with unnecessary responsiblities and commitments that provides no lasting benefits. Precious energy resources will be squandered on that which only seems important at the moment.
his depleted physical condition greatly affected his mental apparatus.
a marathon, not running a sprint.
The same kid who used to talk a mile a minute and ask a million questions has now reduced his vocabulary to nine mono-syllabic phrases. They are, "I dunno," "May be," "I forget." "Huh?" "No!" "Nope," "Yeah," "Who- me?" and "He did it."
We have fought tooth and nail.
make a big deal over what was essentially a nonissue.
By this I mean we tried to loosen our grip on everything that had no lasting significance, and tighten down on everything that did.
They commit every ounce of their energy and every second of their time to the business of living, holding nothing in reserve for the challeng of the century.
She plods through the years on her way to burnout.
Any unexpected crisis or even a minor irritant can set off a torrent of emotion.
You could get a lemon: meaning you might end up with something that is defective, faulty, or of poor quality especially after purchasing it.
Being a firm believer that the twigs grew in the direction they were bent.
Years of tender loving care didn't square with what was happening to their children.
Success will wait, but a happy family will not. To achieve the former and lose the latter would be an empty victory, at best.
They can't wait for success and they hurry on without it. Like bateria that gradually become immune to antibiotics, the classic underachievers become imperivous to adult pressure.
It is possible that the low achiever will outperform the academic superstar in the long run. Don't write off that disorganized, apparently lazy kid as a life-long loser. He may surprise you.
There is room in this world for the creative "souls" who long to breath free.
Parents can, and must, train, shape, mold, correct, guide, punish, reward, instruct, warn, teach and live their kids during the formative years.
Life itself is a risk, and parents must let their kids face reasonable jeopardy on their own.
They have become an extension of ourselves, and our egos are inextricably linked to theirs.
tearing loose is extremely difficult to accomplish.
Life is a lark, albeit a boring one.
The same boiling water that softens the carrot also hardens the egg.
They are half in, half out.
I gripped the phone with both hands in those days, wishing I could bribe my children back with everything they'd ever wanted. I struggled with an unbecoming urge to telll them once more about hot breakfast and crossing streets and dry socks on wet days.
with wisful pride and a feeling for the comic, they watch over their progeny from an effortfully kept distance. It is the season of the empty nest.
duck soup: an easy task, or someone easy to overcome
孩子的培養主要在小時候，大了，離開父母了，父母的影響力隻會越來越小，偶爾回一趟家就像客人一樣：）謝謝康康的理解和共鳴！周末好！
大讚暖冬的好書評。這本書給人帶來啟發，作者摘自《讀者文摘》一封來自母親的信中那兩點說得非常正確，我很讚同。
“ 若為人父母是一份工作，那麽它可能是天底下最難的工作。你傾心傾力，可最後結果並非如你所願。工作不喜歡，可以換，養孩子卻沒有這樣的選擇自由。”是啊，養孩子是一生的工作，永遠不可能辭退的工作。養個報恩的孩子是好運氣，養個討債的孩子自認倒黴：）
喜歡暖冬這篇書評，很受啟發。謝謝暖冬好文分享。暖冬周末愉快。
預祝周末快樂
“By this I mean we tried to loosen our grip on everything that had no lasting significance, and tighten down on everything that did.” 這句話很好，暖冬的這些摘錄，不僅是關於做父母呢。問好暖冬，周五了，周末愉快！（BTW，不用回訪蘑菇屋，我沒更新）
我們也常通過＂賄賂＂吸引兒子們回家或和我們一起旅行，哈哈！
養孩子的同時，我們跟著孩子一起成長～～
--------深以為然
bribe & keep distance -- 受教了
謝謝暖冬分享好書好心得~~~
暖冬分享的太有幫助了，這會要出去，回頭來好好讀，先問好暖冬
書中氣球的比喻很貼切。同樣的家庭，孩子性格各異，所以說當父母不是一件輕鬆的事，尤其是在麵對叛逆、困惑和心理掙紮的青少年時，父母更需要堅持、勇氣與信念。
謝謝暖冬的精彩分享，沒有完美的父母，也沒有完美的孩子，家長和孩子多交流，互相體諒，互相包容，互相理解，就是最好！
“Loving discipline is not about control, it’s about teaching responsibility.”
“Some children are born compliant, others resistant. Your strategy must match their spirit.”
“You are not alone in your frustration. Millions of parents before you have cried the same tears—and made it through.”
我羨慕亮媽啊，亮這麽貼心，又當醫生，還願意說中文相聲，這有多難得。現在又有了珍，多好的一家人！亮媽教育有方！多謝亮媽！
你這裏提到的父母養育孩子是他們自己的選擇，孩子沒有要求他們，我太同意了！更何況孩子也沒有選擇，如果有選擇，估計大家都要投胎到Bill Gates家：）中國傳統觀念上的，我是父母，生你養你就是極大的恩情，這個誇大了，而且文化裏的“孝道”可以壓得人喘不過氣來（光不孝有三無後為大就夠重的，而且這樣的觀念循環下去）。我們自己做父母真心不圖回報，至少現在是這麽想的。
你養貓了，會多很多樂趣和話題的。我女兒最愛貓，隻是要過敏。貓像女人，孤冷又風情萬種的，你一定會愛上它的：）
謝謝Oncemm的閱讀和留言！享受七月的最後幾天，以迎接八月的到來！
你不急讀，不要影響上班啊。問候Oncemm周一好！