Good evening everyone!
My name is Joe Wong, but, to most people, I am known as "Who?"
Which is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
But, joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight[注1].
I grew up in China, who wouldn't? [注2] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in the elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks, and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad is a grumpy guy, but, occasionally, he tried to cheer me up with jokes, but he didn't do it right.When I was seven, he said to me one day:"Hey, son. Why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So, 5 minutes later I said:" Why?" He said: "because I said so!"
I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas,(clapping, cheers) that wasn't a joke (laughter) until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of pumper stickers that impossible to peel off, and one of them said "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.
Like many immigrants, we want our son to be the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really tough to do, because many times, I had to say to him in public:"Hey, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!" He would say to my:"Hey, dad? why do I have to learn two languages?" I said:" Son, once you become the president of the United States, you are going to sign legislature bills in English, and talk to the debt collectors in Chinese."
When I graduated from Rice University, I decided to stay in the United States, because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here---being an ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take American history lessons where they asked questions like:"Who is Benjamin Franklin?[注3]" we were like"ah, the reason our convenient store gets robbed?" "what's the second amendment (of the Constitution)?[注4]" we were like "ah, the reason our convenient store gets robbed?" "what is Roe vs. Wade?[注5]" we were like "ah, two ways coming to the Unites States?"
Later on, I learned so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. And in America, they said that all men are created equal. But, after birth, it is kind of depending on the parents' income, their education and health care. I read in the "Men's health" magazine that President Obama, every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise, because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care,then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed messages[注6]. I think there is a movie about him, it is called "Kill Bill".
I am honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight, I actually read your autobiography, and today I see you, I think the book is much better. They should guest cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.
To be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight, I prepared for months for tonight's show,and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is when he decided not to come, and he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that, Steven Colbert! [注7]
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize, and he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, I am thinking the only way to be more bad ass than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.
We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom might (be) considered my peers, because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for pons, only on the newspaper can you say things like " I was born in the year of horse, that is why I am a naysayer." My point exactly.
And tonight is my first time to be on C-SPAN,which is a channel I obviously always watched when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and the demagogue of PBS and QVC.[注8] If I still could not fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there is C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much.
So, I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about, thank you very much. America #1, that's true, 'cause we won the world series[注9] every year.After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden, you are welcome. You had me at "Yes! We can!" That was their slogan.
So, after getting Obama and Bidon elected, I felt this power trip, and I started to think that maybe I should run for president myself. Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit because I have always been a moraless and pessimistic guy. I felt life is kind of like peeing in the snow in the dark winter night, you probably made a difference, but it is really hard to tell. But, now, we have a president, who is half white and half black, it just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black and half not white, two negatives make a positive.
You maybe saying:" Hey, what would be you campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade, oh, you too? Okay,So I understand that American people are suffering, so my campaign slogan would be:" HU(Who) cares". If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.
You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:"Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!"
And, I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force, so two people will have to do the work (of) one. Just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins[注10].
And despite heart disease and cancer, most of American die of naturally causes, so if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one. But, you won't be covered by Health insurance though, because of pre-existing conditions.
And I have a quick solution for global warming, I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees and now it is 40. You are very welcome.
And I am great with foreign policies, because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.[ 注11]
I believe that unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialogue is too slow, so if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi and text our enemies while they are driving:"OMG! you are building a nuclear weapon?" "But you are doing it wrong! LOL!"
I just want to thank Radio and TV Correspondents' dinner to have me here tonight and this is the first time that I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and you have a very good night and thank you Elaine and Scott.
注釋：
1。指不久前發生的夫婦兩人無請柬混進白宮晚宴。
2。諧音：胡屯？
3。本傑明，弗蘭克林，美國國父之一，他的頭像印在百元美鈔上，故又指百元美鈔。
4。憲法第二修正案，規定公民有擁有槍支的自由。
5。Roe vs. Wade: 美高法的裏程碑式的案例，認定了墮胎的合法性，在此指有人用中國的計劃生育為由申請政治庇護， 另一解釋是指走陸路(rove)和水路(wade)偷渡。
6。Scott Brown: 頂替已故參議院愛德華。肯尼迪的麻省參議員，他反對全民醫保。
7。Steven Colbert: 著名的喜劇演員，去年晚宴的表演嘉賓。
8。PBS 美政府讚助的公共電視節目，QVC電視購物頻道。
9。The World series: 美職棒聯盟季後賽，美職棒聯盟除三隻加拿大球隊外均為美國球隊.
10. 雙胞胎，童星，在電視劇《Full House》裏兩人合演一個角色。
11.共和黨副總統候選人Sarah。 Palin曾說她對外交政策很有經驗，因為作為阿拉斯加州長，她可以從後院看到俄國。
