Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive

Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive
How to learn from constructive criticism and ignore the rest.
From Mike Hardcastle, former About.com Guide
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Advanced Defensive Driving
The War Model: When someone attacks, you surrender, withdraw, or counterattack...

In an actual war, to be attacked means to have our survival threatened. Thus, we might chose between surrender, withdrawal, or counterattack. When we feel attacked (criticized or judged) by others in conversation, we often move into that same kind of survival mentality and automatically defend ourselves. But conversation is different than war. When we defend against criticism, we give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted.

While we might need to set some limits if someone is verbally abusive, I think we often ward off criticism far too soon, discarding anything that is valid, as well as what is invalid. The person\'s words may hurt, but they will hurt less, I think, if we ask questions, decide which pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don\'t agree with. We can just think about it, we don\'t have to fight it as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon. I watch people\'s self-esteem increase simply from becoming less defensive in the face of criticism and judgement. Besides, we may find a priceless gem in with some junk.

The Non-Defensive Model: Ask questions, decide what you think, and then respond!

The remainder of this article will demonstrate how to respond non-defensively to criticism by giving examples for parents, couples, and professionals. While the examples are specific to a certain type of relationship, the information is valuable in any relationship. For example, dealing with harsh tones or pay-backs can happen with anybody, at home or at school.

Couples: Avoid the Pay-Back When One of You Gets Critical

When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a ledger of offenses that we have accumulated with each other. And what I do that offends you often prompts the reaction in you that offends me. So when you criticize me, your partner, it reminds me of what you do that makes me react that way. And so the counterattack game begins. Well, I wouldn\'t have to react this way if you didn\'t always . . . Or, Look at you criticizing me for having a double standard. Haven\'t you ever looked in a mirror?!

Instead, if we listen to the feedback, however judgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it applies to us or not, then we don\'t have to retaliate immediately and intensify the conflict. Later, during the same conversation, or perhaps even at another time, we can ask the other person (if we are sincerely curious and not point-proving) Do you think your sarcasm (for example) contributed in any way to how I reacted? Or, Do you think you ever (for example) have double standards-or do you think you don\'t? We can bring up related issues, if we create a transition period and deal first with the one our partner brought up.

To remain non-defensive, we must separate how we take accountability ourselves from whether or not the other person chooses to do so at any given moment. When we need to prove our partner is as bad as we are or worse, we are neck-deep in the muck of power struggle. In non-defensive communication, we address the issue the other person has brought up trusting that we can bring up our own issue later. Doing so can give both partners a hearing aid.

More Examples

This article is based on \'Taking the War Out of Our Words\' by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
Criticism Bites!
If you can\'t say something nice... SHUT UP!
By Phylameana lila Desy, About.com Guide
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Self Criticism

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Criticism has its place, but it is important to know when criticism is constructive and when it is hurtful.

Words of wisdom I learned from my mother: If you can\'t say something nice... SHUT UP! Okay, so those were not the exact words my mom used. I\'m sure her instructive admonition for me was much kinder and friendlier, perhaps more like: If you can\'t say something nice, please don\'t say anything at all.

Sadly, all too often it is easier to point out a person\'s flaws than it is to give that person a compliment.

Lately I\'ve been wondering why this is so and I have come to only one possible conclusion: Criticism is sometimes the result of a self-esteem deficiency. Subconsciously, a person often might feel that criticizing someone else can boost his or her own feelings of superiority, but this is patently false, as I will explain.
Does it Hurt to Say Something Nice?
When someone says to you Would it hurt for you to say something nice? you might honestly be able to answer Yes, as a matter of fact, it sort of does. This may be true because, oftentimes, people who are the most critical of others are the same people who, on the flip side, are probably the ones who are the most uncomfortable when given compliments.

Oddly enough, some people respond more positively when a criticism is directed at them than when they are given a compliment. How people who are challenged with low self esteem respond to compliments and criticisms can be a possible clue as to why criticism is so rampant in today\'s society.
How Do You Respond to Compliments?
Do you accept them graciously or do you promptly reject them? Or perhaps shrug compliments off as if they are unimportant?


Examples:
Compliment: What a pretty dress you are wearing.
Denial response: What, this old thing?
Accepting response: Thank you! I\'m glad you noticed, it\'s one of my favorite outfits.
Compliment: You did a great job on that project.
Denial response: Anyone could have done as well as I did.
Accepting response: Thank you so much. I feel really satisfied that I was able to use my creative ideas to get the end result that I did.
Are You More Accepting of Criticism Than Kind Remarks?
You might also want to think about what your responses are to criticisms that are directed your way. Are you more accepting of criticism than compliments? Although we may reject criticisms outwardly, we often accept them internally. Are criticisms eating up your insides?

Not all criticisms are obvious. Sometimes there are those backhanded comments we hear that are intended to be caring, but can come across more often as an insult, such as: You sure look tired. Are you getting enough sleep at night? In so few words, someone just implied that you don\'t look too good and thinks that perhaps you aren\'t taking proper care of yourself. OUCH! (And you thought you put yourself together just fine that morning and even had a perfect night\'s rest. DOUBLE OUCH!!)
Be Kind to Others
Start making a conscious effort to choose your words carefully before you speak. Say kind words. When speaking to others, squelch any words that convey critical thoughts or judgments.

Offering constructive criticism to someone has its place. Only give it whenever it is requested or if it is truly required, such as when a parent is teaching a child, or an employer needs an employee to meet certain job requirements. Remember: Unasked for advice is really a form of criticism, so be careful when you offer advice.

In most circumstances, criticism is regarded as a put down that hurts both the criticizer as well as the target of the criticism. You don\'t want to be on either end of those hurtful words.


Say Something Nice About Yourself in Response to Compliments and Criticisms
Notice what your normal responses are to the criticisms and compliments when given. Change any negative responses into positive responses. Very soon you will begin feeling happier and become prouder of the person you are!

As soon as you have learned to like yourself, you will become less critical of others. And when you feel good about yourself, it will become second nature for you to say something nice to others, as my mom always tried to teach me.

Have a great day! Accept others as they are with less criticism and extend more praise whenever you can.