正文
我在婚姻裏犯的五個錯誤
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping.
It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do. Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that\'s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done. I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
我關於“幸福”課題裏所包括的12個主題中，有一個就是婚姻。對我來說，和很多人一樣，婚姻是生活和幸福中最重要的部分。當我開始這個課題時，我也找出了我想要做出的變化--就像為保持這些變化而做出的決定--我發現在我的婚姻中，有5個特別的誤區。
下麵，和我想出的辦法一起，我嚐試著去解決他們。
1我過於期待讚賞。你想象不到我是多麽期望得到別人的讚賞和認可！我一直追求能把家務做到完美。但我的丈夫卻不那麽在意，這讓我不爽和生氣。我想出了一個好點子。我過去就告訴自己我所做的一切都是為了他。--“他看到我把書整理好該有多開心啊”，“他知道我終於找到宿營的打包箱該有多高興啊”等等這些。--但是他並不領情，我立刻就瘋了。現在我告訴自己我做這些事情，是因為我想做。“喔，看著碗櫃多棒”，“看我多有調理，提前就把日用品都收拾好了”。因為我是為我自己做，他不必留意。這聽起來有點以自我為中心，但是確實管用。
2總愛教訓人。我是個火爆脾氣，非常容易發火的人—但是我的丈夫非常不喜歡我對他大吼大嚷（真實驚奇）。我嚐試了很多方法來控製我的脾氣。我不讓自己太餓或者太冷（我很容易就有這樣的感覺）；我努力讓家井井有條，因為隻要亂了一點，我就抓狂了；當他為了要我消消氣逗我笑，我就努力配合他笑笑；我盡量控製自己說話的聲音，讓他感覺我心情不錯，而不是在急躁地指責他。不過，讓我為難的是，還沒有多大的進展。
3本性不改，我就生氣。這點非常非常難。從我幸福課題中學到的一點就是，除了你自己，你誰也改變不了，然而我又特別喜歡起改變我丈夫的某些他根本不願意改變的習慣。他不肯好好地回我的電郵。他總是做很多誘惑我的甜點，等等等等。現在我改了，遇到這些事我不像以前那樣火冒三丈，轉而努力去提醒我自己他其實也沒那麽多毛病。
4斤斤計較。我是個斤斤計較的人，老是算計著誰誰做了什麽。“我打掃了廚房，你就該去整理儲藏室”—這之類的事情。我發現了兩個方法來解決這個麻煩。第一，我提醒自己當心下意識的要求過高現象。比如，在對比他人時，我們會無意識地高估自己的貢獻，或者技術。這很容易理解，因為我們當然會覺得自己比別人做的多。根據Jonathan Haidt的‘幸福感假說’，“當夫妻雙方估計自己和對方各做了多少家務時，他們總共估計的會超過百分之120.”我抱怨給孩子找保姆花了很多時間，還付了很多賬單，但是我忽視了修車，買食品也占用了我丈夫很多時間。
不難發現，要求過高會帶來埋怨，還會覺得自己的負擔越來越多。所以現在每當我有類似於“我是這唯一為什麽什麽事操心的人”，或者“為什麽隻有我想去怎麽樣怎麽樣”這些想法的時候，我提醒自己還有很多事我沒有做。第二，牢記我精神導師，法國Lisieux的St. Therese說過的話“你愛他，就不要計較那麽多。”這句箴言是我第11條個人戒律的基礎：不要僅僅計較。
5 把我的丈夫想當然了。因為很容易忽視我丈夫所做的一些小事（參見第4條），我很容易地久忘記了他的有點，取而代之的是抓住他的小毛病不撒手（參見第3條）。比如，我發現盡管平心靜氣地說話很難，我的丈夫就有這個超讚的性格，說話幾乎從不刁難我。我努力記著，我愛他身上的那些有點，把讓我心煩的瑣事拋到腦後。說起來容易做起來難啊。多親吻他幾次，多擁抱他幾回，多愛撫他一會，這些我下過決心要做的事，很有效得讓我一直感受到愛的溫暖，心存感激。
你的婚姻，或者長期的戀愛中有哪些誤會呢？有沒有找到解決的辦法呢？
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness. When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage.
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency. First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping.
It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do. Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that\'s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done. I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
我關於“幸福”課題裏所包括的12個主題中，有一個就是婚姻。對我來說，和很多人一樣，婚姻是生活和幸福中最重要的部分。當我開始這個課題時，我也找出了我想要做出的變化--就像為保持這些變化而做出的決定--我發現在我的婚姻中，有5個特別的誤區。
下麵，和我想出的辦法一起，我嚐試著去解決他們。
1我過於期待讚賞。你想象不到我是多麽期望得到別人的讚賞和認可！我一直追求能把家務做到完美。但我的丈夫卻不那麽在意，這讓我不爽和生氣。我想出了一個好點子。我過去就告訴自己我所做的一切都是為了他。--“他看到我把書整理好該有多開心啊”，“他知道我終於找到宿營的打包箱該有多高興啊”等等這些。--但是他並不領情，我立刻就瘋了。現在我告訴自己我做這些事情，是因為我想做。“喔，看著碗櫃多棒”，“看我多有調理，提前就把日用品都收拾好了”。因為我是為我自己做，他不必留意。這聽起來有點以自我為中心，但是確實管用。
2總愛教訓人。我是個火爆脾氣，非常容易發火的人—但是我的丈夫非常不喜歡我對他大吼大嚷（真實驚奇）。我嚐試了很多方法來控製我的脾氣。我不讓自己太餓或者太冷（我很容易就有這樣的感覺）；我努力讓家井井有條，因為隻要亂了一點，我就抓狂了；當他為了要我消消氣逗我笑，我就努力配合他笑笑；我盡量控製自己說話的聲音，讓他感覺我心情不錯，而不是在急躁地指責他。不過，讓我為難的是，還沒有多大的進展。
3本性不改，我就生氣。這點非常非常難。從我幸福課題中學到的一點就是，除了你自己，你誰也改變不了，然而我又特別喜歡起改變我丈夫的某些他根本不願意改變的習慣。他不肯好好地回我的電郵。他總是做很多誘惑我的甜點，等等等等。現在我改了，遇到這些事我不像以前那樣火冒三丈，轉而努力去提醒我自己他其實也沒那麽多毛病。
4斤斤計較。我是個斤斤計較的人，老是算計著誰誰做了什麽。“我打掃了廚房，你就該去整理儲藏室”—這之類的事情。我發現了兩個方法來解決這個麻煩。第一，我提醒自己當心下意識的要求過高現象。比如，在對比他人時，我們會無意識地高估自己的貢獻，或者技術。這很容易理解，因為我們當然會覺得自己比別人做的多。根據Jonathan Haidt的‘幸福感假說’，“當夫妻雙方估計自己和對方各做了多少家務時，他們總共估計的會超過百分之120.”我抱怨給孩子找保姆花了很多時間，還付了很多賬單，但是我忽視了修車，買食品也占用了我丈夫很多時間。
不難發現，要求過高會帶來埋怨，還會覺得自己的負擔越來越多。所以現在每當我有類似於“我是這唯一為什麽什麽事操心的人”，或者“為什麽隻有我想去怎麽樣怎麽樣”這些想法的時候，我提醒自己還有很多事我沒有做。第二，牢記我精神導師，法國Lisieux的St. Therese說過的話“你愛他，就不要計較那麽多。”這句箴言是我第11條個人戒律的基礎：不要僅僅計較。
5 把我的丈夫想當然了。因為很容易忽視我丈夫所做的一些小事（參見第4條），我很容易地久忘記了他的有點，取而代之的是抓住他的小毛病不撒手（參見第3條）。比如，我發現盡管平心靜氣地說話很難，我的丈夫就有這個超讚的性格，說話幾乎從不刁難我。我努力記著，我愛他身上的那些有點，把讓我心煩的瑣事拋到腦後。說起來容易做起來難啊。多親吻他幾次，多擁抱他幾回，多愛撫他一會，這些我下過決心要做的事，很有效得讓我一直感受到愛的溫暖，心存感激。
你的婚姻，或者長期的戀愛中有哪些誤會呢？有沒有找到解決的辦法呢？
反思最好是---
同時與你先生一起完成
將受益更多～～～
好像還不止這五個錯誤呢！