教你分辨是愛情還是上癮

It’s February! This is the month you show your lover how much he really means to you. You’ve been together for awhile now. That euphoric, queasy, pit-of-the-stomach, telltale sign of True Love has settled down only slightly and you know this is your one and only love, your heart’s desire. She occupies your every thought. No doubt about it, this is your soul mate. You can’t imagine life without him. In fact, you won’t even consider it. The very thought is more than just upsetting; it’s devastating. Even when things don’t feel good you would do anything for her, go anywhere to see him. The very thought of her with anyone else but you sends you into a frenzy. You feel empty and sick at the thought of not being together. Without your lover, there is no you. This is True Love!

Or is it? If this sounds like what you are experiencing, it may be this is a love addiction not love itself. What’s the difference? Simply stated, love exists in an open system; addiction in a closed one. Let’s take a look at what that means.

Love

In a fully loving relationship, mutuality and trust are the themes. Each partner is secure in his and her own sense of worth and believes the other has a right to grow and expand. Each encourages and provides room for that growth. This means that while you and your partner share many things, you may very well have separate interests and other friends of both sexes. Neither of you is threatened by the investment in and maintenance of meaningful friendships, realizing that each friendship enriches your love relationship. It also means both of you have the ability to enjoy your own solitary company, that being alone is not about rejecting the lover but a recognition that each is a whole person, not two halves of a whole, with your own unique needs and patterns of living. Secure in each other’s love, you are able to respect each other’s boundaries. Each is trusting and trustworthy. You both work at preserving the other’s sense of integrity. Most of all, there is a willingness to risk yourself in the relationship, to be real, to be honest. In short, the hallmark of a loving relationship is the ability to be true to oneself while honoring and respecting the other’s unique being.

If this describes your relationship, congratulations! Nurture and celebrate your love! If, on the other hand, most of the above - or even some of it - doesn’t ring true, consider that you may be locked into an addictive relationship. Here are the characteristics:

Addiction

In an addictive love relationship, insecurity and dependency are the themes. One or both of the partners is characterized by total, all-encompassing involvement with the love interest, a sense that no one else and nothing else is important or meaningful in life. The addicted lover gauges the intensity of need for the partner as a proof of love. In fact, this may be borne more out of fear or loneliness than out of love. Everything else is put on hold in service to the needs and wants of the lover. Old friends are neglected and previous interests abandoned. Because one partner’s desires are suspended for the other, a sense of self-deprivation develops as a sign of love. Preoccupation with the lover’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings leads to dependency on his or her approval. One’s own sense of identity and self-worth are reflected in the lover’s reactions. Expressing honest emotions and real thoughts are too risky. Consequently, reassurance is critical and this may take the form of repeated, even ritualized activities. For example, statements like If you don’t call me from work at 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. every day you don\'t really love me are not uncommon.

Along with this dependency comes an intolerance toward being away from the lover. Trust is low. Possessiveness, jealousy, and protectiveness are high. The addicted lover is unable to endure separations even when there is conflict in the relationship or when the relationship is hurtful. In this unhealthy addiction, with each separation the addict hangs on tighter, feeling ever more desperate. A separation or contemplated separation may even produce physical symptoms such as restlessness, lethargy, or loss of appetite.

What To Do

If this sounds like your situation, what can you do?

First, recognize the addiction for what it is. Like any other addiction, this is an essential step.

Second, realize that love enhances, not diminishes each partner. You deserve to give and get nothing less than mutual respect and trust.

Third, begin to work on yourself for yourself, not for anyone else. The old adage You must love yourself before you can love someone else has a lot of wisdom to it. It may be you have some self-esteem issues that have nothing to do with your lover. Begin getting to know the authentic you, appreciating your good qualities and accepting your not-so-good qualities as facets of a worthwhile human.

Fourth, take action. You can do this through reestablishing friendships with people who support and care about you or by finding new friends with whom you share common interests. You are already complete by yourself. Nurture your gifts and talents.

Fifth, if addictive love seems to be a habitual pattern, seek counseling. Group or individual sessions can help you get in touch with who you really are and help you to believe in your own self-worth.

And, this Valentines Day, pamper yourself. Treat yourself to a day out doing something you love, buy yourself that coveted gift, try a one-of-a-kind activity that makes your heart soar! You have the right and the obligation to love yourself first!



二月到了！這是一年一度告訴你的愛人他們對你來說有多重要的時候。你們可能已經在一起有一些時候了。那些欣喜、忐忑不安、小鹿亂撞、甜言蜜語的愛情征兆還存有餘溫，你知道這就是你命中的那個、唯一的真愛，是你心之所向。他占據了你所有的心思。別懷疑，他就是你的真命天子。你不能想象沒有她的生活會怎樣。實際上，你連想都不會想。單是想想就會讓你沮喪萬分，那簡直就是世界末日。即使事情並不那麽如你的意，你還是會為他不惜一切，去任何地方，隻為了看他一眼。他和別人在一起的想法，就會讓你發瘋。隻要想到不能在一起，你就會感到空虛、難受。沒有她，就沒有你。這就是真愛！

這真的是麽？如果這和你正經曆的不謀而合，這可能是對愛情上癮而並非愛情本身。這有什麽不同？簡單的說，愛情是在一個開放的係統中存在，而上癮是在封閉的係統裏。我們來仔細看看個中的區別。

愛情

在一個真正的愛情裏，兩情相悅、互相信任是主旋律。兩個人都對自己的價值有安全感，並且相信另一半有成長、發展的權力。雙方都會給對方成長的空間，並鼓勵這種成長。這意味著，在你和伴侶分享很多事情的同時，你們兩個可能會有各自的興趣、有各自男性和女性朋友。你們兩個都不會因為對方對有意義的友誼進行投入、並保持這樣的友誼而感到有威脅，也明白這些友誼都會滋養你們的愛情。這還意味著你們兩個都有能力一個人過，一個人並不意味著拒絕你的情人，而是認識到彼此都是完整的個體，而不是整體的一部分，你們都有自己獨特的需要以及生活方式。你們對於彼此的愛有安全感，也能夠尊重彼此的個人空間和底線。每個人都信任對方也值得信任。兩個人都努力保護彼此的完成和獨立性。最重要的是，在這段關係裏你情願冒險——做真正的自己、對對方誠實。總而言之，愛情關係的標誌是能夠對自己真誠，同時維護並尊重對方的獨立存在。

如果這形容的就是你們的關係，那麽恭喜你！滋養並慶祝你的愛情！而如果，上邊的大部分——或者僅僅其中的一些，和你的關係不沾邊，你可能就是陷在一段上癮關係中了。下麵就是上癮關係的特征。

上癮

在一段上癮型的愛情關係裏，不安全和依賴性是主旋律。情侶中的一個或雙方完全、毫無保留地對愛情這件事付出，好像生命中再沒有其他重要或者有意義的人和事。上癮情人總是用對於伴侶需要的程度作為愛情的證明。實際上，這可能更多出於害怕或者孤獨而不是出於愛情。為了滿足愛人的需要和要求，其他所有的東西都放到了一邊。老朋友都被忽視了，以前的愛好也都放棄了。因為情人的需要比其他都重要，所以喪失自我的感覺成了愛情的標誌。因為被情人的思想、行為和感覺所占據，導致了什麽都要靠他的同意。自己的身份證明和價值都要靠情人的反應來體現。表達誠實的情緒和真實的想法太過危險。結果是，證明變得非常重要，這可能導致某些重複的甚至儀式化的行為。比如說，像是”你要是上班的時候不在上午九點和下午三點給我打電話，你就不是真的愛我“這樣的話，並不少見。

與依賴性隨之而來的，是不能忍受和情人分開。信任感很低。占有欲、嫉妒、保護性很強。上癮的情人不能忍受分離，即使關係中發生矛盾或者關係帶來傷害。這是一種不健康的上癮，每一次分離，就會把人栓得更緊，更覺越來越絕望。分開或者慎重考慮分手，甚至可能會造成身體上的症狀，比如坐立不安、睡眠失調或者喪失食欲。

要怎麽做

如果這看起來像是你的狀況，你能做什麽？

首先，認識到什麽是上癮。就像其他成癮一樣，這是關鍵的一步。

其次，意識到愛情使得彼此豐富，而不是削弱彼此。你至少要付出和獲得相互尊重和信任。

第三，開始為了自己而努力，而不是為了別人。俗話說，在愛別人之前你必須愛自己，這裏麵有很多智慧。可能隻是你自己存在自尊的問題，而和你的情人無關。試著了解真正的自己，欣賞自己的優點，接受不是那麽好的地方，因為這是你作為完整的人的一個方麵。

第四，付諸行動。你可以和那些支持、在乎你的人重新建立友誼，或結交一些和你有相同興趣的新朋友。隻是你自己就夠完整了。培養你的天賦和才能。

第五，如果這種上癮的愛情好像成了習慣性的形式，尋求心理輔導。小組或者個體的輔導可以幫助你了解真正的自己，並幫助你相信你的自我價值。

最後，這個情人節，縱容一下自己。讓自己出去做些自己喜歡的事情，給自己買那個你渴望已久的禮物，試試那個最能讓你心跳爆棚的活動！你有權利、也有義務先去愛自己！

[英子yingzi]

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