溫哥華失眠夜
嬉笑怒罵皆成文章
女人篇
女人發現嫁給了一個隻掙麵包的人，而她原來是指望吃上蛋糕的哩。
The girl finds herself married to a bread-earner when she was counting on cakes.
女人從不會被甜言蜜語衝昏頭腦。男人卻會。所以溫柔鄉是英雄塚。
Women are never disarmed by compliment. Men are.
那麽多女人有假指甲，假睫毛，假乳房，還埋怨說沒有這個世界沒有真男人！五十步笑一百步的事情，在男女間是經常發生的。
Why are there so many women with fake fingernails, fake eyelashes and fake boobs complaining that there are no real men?
女人寧願聽激奮人心的謊言，而不願聽枯燥無味的事實。現在你終於明白男人為什麽都說謊了吧？
Women prefer exciting lies than dull facts.
問問你的另一半，他覺不覺得你胖。如果他說胖，就懲罰他不善解人意。如果他說不，就懲罰他說謊。男人之所以不善解人意和說謊，都是被女人逼出來的。
Ask your significant other if he think you are fat. If he says yes, punish him for his insensitivity. If he says no, punish him for lying.
第一部測謊機是用男人的肋骨做的。男人的肋骨原來可以有那麽多功能啊？
The first lie detector was made out of the rib of a man.
女人想說服男人給她買衣服，結果反被他說服，連自身的衣服都脫掉了。
A woman tried to talk him into buying her a dress, and he talked her out of the one she was wearing.
你生命中有多少男人不重要，重要的是那些男人有怎樣的人生。質量重於數量。
It’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the life in your men.
抽雪茄就象談戀愛。你一開始挑其外觀，然後戀其味道。但你要記住，千萬別讓火熄滅了。
Smoking a cigar is like falling in love. First you choose it for its shape. Then you stay with it for its flavor. But you must remember: never, never let the flame go out.
女人的情焰高漲的程度與當初拒絕的堅決態度成正比。欲拒還迎就是這個道理。
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.
多數女人的麻煩就在於她們與多數男人的麻煩。
The trouble with most women is their trouble with most men.
女人要作出抉擇：找個女人喜歡的男人，她不放心；找個女人討厭的男人，她不高興。魚與熊掌，很難取舍。
A woman must choose: with a man liked by women, she is not sure; with a man disliked by women, she is not happy.
一日為女人，終身是女人。可是男人隻有雄風還在的時候才是個偉哥。
A woman is a woman until the day she dies, but a man is a man only as long as he can.
婦女解放運動的主要成果就是AA製。
The main result of feminism has been the Dutch treat.
力求與男人平等的女人缺乏雄心壯誌。
A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.
女人不管幹什麽，都必須幹得比男人好一倍，還被視為隻趕上男人的一半。幸虧這樣做並不難。
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought of as half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
有些女人變成她們想嫁的男人。有些男人會不會變成他們想娶的女人呢？
Some women are becoming the men they wanted to marry.
女人不會忘記自己的年齡-------一旦她定好是什麽年齡以後。
A woman never forgets her age------once she decides what it is.
女人算年齡不是從出生那天算起，而是從結婚那天算起。
Women count their age from their marriage, not from their birth.
弱勢性別成了強勢性別，因為強勢性別見到弱勢性別就軟弱起來。英雄難過美人關。
The weaker sex are the stronger sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.
我不會恨男人恨到要將他給我的鑽石還給他。睹物思人嘛。
I never hate a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
大多數女人當媽媽純屬意外，有些出於選擇，少數迫於社會壓力，有幾個則是習慣成自然。
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.
漂亮女人才有機會嫁入豪門。有的女人走捷徑，幹脆就直接嫁給整容醫生得了。
Some women just take the short route by marrying the plastic surgeon.
富孀隻不過是用一手價錢待沽的二手貨。即便如此，還是有大批拍賣者趨之若鶩。
Rich widows are only second-hand goods that sell for first-class prices.
采陰補陽新解：周二發工資周五就花光的男人，欲尋找周五發工資周二就花光的女人為伴。
Man who gets paid on Tuesday and is usually broke by Friday would like to meet woman who is paid on Friday and is usually broke by Tuesday.
有的女人把男人當傻瓜耍，有的女人把傻瓜當男人寶。
For every woman who make a fool out of some men there’s another who makes a man out of some fool.
男人渴望的是女人，可女人渴望的就是要男人有那種渴望。
The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.
男人喜歡家常菜。女人討厭常在家做菜。看來，男人隻有親自下廚了。
Men love home cooking. Women hate cooking home.
四個男人湊在一起就談體育。四個女人湊在一起就談男人。四個男人和四個女人湊在一起呢？很可能就齊齊做某種體育運動了。
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.
