原來抑鬱，不是悲傷，不是痛苦，不是憤怒，而是麻木，是不在乎，是被卡在沼澤地裏，慢慢下沉，卻沒有一點動彈的力氣，和動力。人生的痛苦在於，不斷在走從未走過的路，人生的魅力也在於，不斷在走從未走過的路。感恩，一雙雙從岸邊伸來的手。今天要推一篇幹媽發來的tedtalk，翻了好久～～很biblical的觀點（marry the eternal lover and see yourself from His eyes, complete,holy, righteous），與所有已婚未婚的你們共勉吧：））He is risen,so am I!
When I was growing up, there was this song we used to sing on the playground, and it went like this,“Tracy and so and so, sitting in a tree,k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love,then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”And I’m like, OK, that’s it! That’s how you do life. That’s how you do a relationship.Love, marriage, baby carriage.OK, got it.在我小的時候，和小夥伴們在一起玩耍的時候我們常常會唱這麽一首歌：“小紅和小明呀，坐在樹杈子上呀，你親我來我親你呀，先戀愛呀，再結婚呀，然後嬰兒車裏就出來個胖娃娃呀”我聽的時候就想啊，哎呀，原來如此呀！這就是每個人的人生必經之路啊！這就是你怎麽處理婚戀關係啊。戀愛，結婚，嬰兒車，好吧，我知道了。
And then I grew up, and this is what my life turned out to be. Slightly more complicated, right? Love, marriage, divorce, dry spells, love, marriage, co-parenting, another marriage, another divorce; you got the picture.So if you’re good at math and/or a fast reader, what you’ve got there is that I’ve been married three times. Yep, three, and divorced. What that’s supposed to mean is that I’m a total failure at relationships. And that is one way to look at it, but not the only way. 後來呢我長大了，我的人生變成了下麵這幅樣子：
Because what I think really happened is that I kept marrying the wrong person. No, it’s not that I didn’t — it’s not that I chose bad guys. My first two husbands were amazing men who are now married to wonderful women who aren’t me.And my third husband,well, we’re friends on Facebook now. So, all is well that ends well, right? 因為我認為事情的根源是我一直在跟錯誤的人結婚。這倒不是說我一直在選擇渣男。實際上，我的前兩任丈夫都是很棒的男人，後來也都跟很棒的女人走到了一起。我的第三任丈夫，怎麽說呢，我們還是qq（臉書）好友哈。結局好就萬事大吉了，是吧？
After the collapse of my third marriage in 2005, I realized that I’ve been marrying everyone in sight, except the one person that I really needed to marry in order to have a great relationship and that once I married that person, all of my relationships would be successes, even the failures. The so-called failures, actually.05年在我第三次婚姻潰敗的時候，我意識到我好像已經跟身邊所有的人都結過婚了，除了那個我真正應該與之結婚的人。隻要和他結婚，我所有的人際關係都會跟著變得成功，包括那些失敗的人際關係。實際上，隻是所謂失敗的關係。～～～～廣告時間嘿嘿（We love, because He first loved us.1 John 4:19 我們愛，是因為他先愛了我們）～～～
Since we’re talking today about women inventing, I’m going to talk about inventing relationships. What I’ve found through a lot of trial and obviously, many, many, many errors, to be the thing that has transformed my life and love, and that is this idea of marrying yourself.鑒於我們今天要聊的是關於婦女創新的話題，我今天就要來談談關係上的創新。這也是我在經曆了許多的磨煉和犯了無數無數的錯誤後才發現的，一個轉變了我的生命和戀愛關係的想法，這個想法就是，和自己結婚。
So what does it mean to marry yourself? It’s a big idea. It is as big as marriage itself except, if I could just summarize it, it would be that you enter into a relationship with yourself and then you put a ring on it. In other words, you commit to yourself fully.And then you build a relationship with yourself to the point where you realize that you’re whole right now, that there is no man, woman, job, circumstance that can happen to you that’s going to make you more whole because you already are. And this changes your life.那麽和自己結婚，到底意味著什麽呢？這是一個很重要的決定（想法）。其重要程度不亞於結婚本身。如果我可以言簡意賅的總結一下，那麽它的意思可以是，你和自己互換戒指走進一段婚約關係。換言之，你把自己完完全全交給自己。你和自己建立一段親密無間的關係，親密無間到，這個世界上，沒有任何人，不論是男人，女人，工作，還是臨到你的外界環境，能夠使得你變得更完整，因為你已然如此。相信我這個決定會改變你的整個生命。
By now, I’m sure at least some of you are wondering why you should be listening to a three-time divorcee talk about marriage? Even to herself. And I understand that.Here’s what I have to say
about that: what I’ve learned and my experience is that the places where you have the biggest challenges in your life become the places where you have the most to give if you do your inner work. I kind of want to say that again: the places where you have the biggest challenges are the places where you have the most to give.說到這裏，我知道，你們在座的一些人一定在心裏嘀咕，我憑什麽要聽一個離過三次婚的女人在講婚姻成功之道？沒錯，我自己心裏也是這麽嘀咕的。我理解你們的半信半疑。這裏我想要解釋的一點是：這些年我從自己的經曆中學習到，你的人生中曾經經曆最多挑戰的地方，也恰好是你擁有最多發言權和智慧來惠澤眾人的地方，如果你在那個過程當中對自己的內心有足夠的審視的話。我想再複述一次，你的人生中曾經經曆最多挑戰的地方，也恰好是你擁有最多發言權和智慧來惠澤眾人的地方。
So let me tell you a little bit about the person I truly needed to marry: myself.I am from Minneapolis. Wooh! My mom was a prostitute and an alcoholic. She put me in foster care when I was three months old.My dad was a criminal; he was a drug dealer and a pimp with a heart of gold — actually, they both had hearts of gold — and he spent more or less my whole life in prison. And he just got out of prison after his most recent sentence which was 20 years.Until the age of nine, I was probably in two dozen foster homes. The thing you need to know about this story — there are a lot of details, obviously — but the thing you need to know is that I came out of that childhood with one goal: to never be left. And the way I was going to do that is that I was going to get married. That was the way I was going to accomplish that goal.那麽下麵讓我來告訴你們關於那個我真正應該嫁給的人，也就是我自己，的一些情況吧。我是明尼阿婆裏斯人。耶～我媽是一個酒鬼加妓女，我三個月大的時候就把我扔給了寄養中心。我爸是個罪犯，同時也是一個好心的皮條客－－實際上，他們兩人其實都是內心善良的人。我爸在我的記憶中絕大多數時間都呆在監獄裏，他剛剛才從最近一次20年的審判服刑中被釋放出來。到我九歲的時候，差不多已經呆了有二十多家孤兒院。我講的這個故事，當然，有很多細節，但我想讓你們記住的一點是，從這樣的童年經曆出來的我，隻有一個目標，就是絕不要再被拋棄。而我達到這個目標的方式，是走進婚姻。
So I got married the first time to a guy I met when I was 17. We got married a couple of years later, when I was 19. He was a really good guy from a great family, he had an MBA. I mean, it was like, you know, marriage material. You know, I was thrilled. I was like, “I have a family. I belong somewhere. This is wonderful.”And then after five years I left him. And then 10 years later, I got married again to another wonderful guy, who is the father of my now 16-years-old son. We still have a wonderful relationship. He is a really good guy.But after four years I left him, too. And I am not proud to say that I did that, but in order to really marry yourself, you have to get sometimes very painfully honest with yourself about what it is that you’ve done. So I’m not proud of that.所以呢我跟一個我十七歲就遇到的人走進了我的第一次婚姻。我們是在我19歲的時候結的婚。他是一個很好的男人，來自一個很好的家庭，有一個MBA學位，我的意思是，你知道的，就是一個金龜婿啊。我一下子幸福爆棚。我的感覺就像“我有家了！我找到歸屬了！這真的太棒了！”但是五年之後我離開了那個人。然後十年後，我又跟另外一個很棒的人結婚了。這個人，後來成為我16歲兒子的爸爸。我們仍然是好朋友，他真的是很好的人。但四年後，我離開了他。我並不是說我做過的這些事情有多麽光彩，隻是，要跟自己結婚，你有時候需要無比坦誠的撕開自己的過去。我並不以我的過去為豪。
And then eight years later, I got married again, when I was 40, and I was like, “OK, this feels right!”Let me tell you what felt right to a girl who was in 24 foster homes: a guy who started to date after nine months of marriage; essentially, he started dating a 21-year-old girl. OK, I mean, it would be funny, if it weren’t so tragic. You have to have a sense of — that is why we’re Facebook friends.So, here I am looking at this person that I just described with a terrible track record of relationships, and I’m like, “I’m supposed to marry her? This is the woman you want me to marry?”And the answer is yes. Because here is the deal: the thing about marrying yourself is not just like cohabitating. You’re not just going to date for a while and see how it turns out. You are going to do this till death do you part. You are going to take vows.然後了又過了八年，在我四十歲的時候，我又結婚了。那時候我的感覺是，好，這次感覺對了！讓我來告訴你對於一個在24所孤兒院待過的人來說，什麽是對的感覺：結婚八個月後，我老公開始勾搭上了一個21歲的女孩。我的意思是，如果不是這麽悲劇，就真的太滑稽了。你應該察覺到我們為什麽隻是qq好友的原因了吧。所以呢，我剛剛所描述的那個我要與之結婚的人，是一個在婚戀史上劣跡斑斑的人。我心裏的感覺像，有沒有搞錯？你真的要我跟這樣一個人結婚嗎？答案是，是的。因為這就是這個約定的本質：和自己結婚，不僅僅是你們起居生活在一起，你們不是就相親個一個月然後好聚好散。你們是要一生一世都綁定在一起直到死亡把你們分開。那是你們對彼此的誓言。
So inside that terrible experience of that third marriage, I learned something about “in sickness and in health”. What I learned is how to sit by my own bedside, and how to hold my own hand, and how to nurse myself, and how to comfort myself. And what I learned is that I am a person that I can count on.Last but not least, you marry yourself — when you marry yourself, it’s to have and to hold yourself. What does it mean to have and to hold? Well, I think it means that you love yourself the way you want someone else to love you.在我第三次悲劇性的婚姻裏，我學到的一件事是，婚姻是無論疾病還是健康都互相扶持。我學會了，怎樣坐在我自己的床邊，握住自己的手，照顧自己，安慰自己。我領悟到，我是一個值得自己信靠的人。最後，跟自己結婚的時候，你擁有和扶持自己，怎麽說呢？我想這意味著，你像期待別人愛你的那樣來愛你自己。
I had always been going through life with this sense of lack. I felt like I was kind of half a person, and that I was missing something. I went into my relationships hoping to solve this feeling that I had my entire life: that I wasn’t whole unless someone loved me.一直以來，我的生命中都有一種深深的缺乏感。我總感覺自己像是缺少了另一半的人，有一些東西是缺失的。可以說我的大半生都在試圖通過婚戀來擺脫這種缺乏感，就是我不是完整的，我需要另一個人來愛我使得我變得完整。~~ And you have been made complete in Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority. Colossians 2:10 你們在基督裏得到了豐盛完整的生命，祂是一切執政者和掌權者的元首。~~~
And the truth was that I wasn’t ever going to feel whole until I learned to love myself. So this business of marrying yourself transforms every area of your life: your business,family relationships, kids, social relationships, friends. Because when you marry yourself, this huge thing happens: you become able to love in this whole new way. You become able to love other people right where they are, for who they are, the same way you’re already loving yourself. And of course, this is what the world needs more of. So when I married myself, and I realized that I already had everything I needed, I started seeing it as my job to basically just light up my little corner of the world. That’s my new job. Because I don’t need anything, I already have it. 然而事實是，隻有我開始學習怎樣愛我自己我才能真正感覺到自己是完整的。與自己結婚真的能改變你生命的方方麵麵：你的事業，家庭關係，孩子，社會關係，朋友關係。因為當你跟自己結婚的時候，你的生命會發生一個本質的翻轉，你開始有能力以一種全新的方式去愛。你可以在人們還在原地沒有改變的時候就去愛他們，愛他們的本真和個性，就像你是怎樣愛自己一樣。當然，這世界需要更多這樣的愛。所以當我跟自己結婚的時候，我意識到我已經擁有了自己需要的一切，我開始可以將保持自己的身心愉悅視為自己的責任。是的，那於我是新的責任。因為我無所缺乏，我已經擁有了我所需的一切。
So when I take meetings, it’s all about how can I help this person achieve her goal? When I’m in my social communities, it is like what can I bring to this that only I can bring? And when I go on dates, it is like how can I just discover another person maybe for just one hour which, of course, brings me a full circle. Because people always asked me about my love life; they want to know.And you know, the answer is, I am still working on it. Aren’t we all? 所以當我與人會麵的時候，我關注的是我怎樣幫助自己實現她的目標？在我的社交圈中，我考慮的是我怎樣讓自己對這個群體有獨一無二的貢獻？當我約會的時候，我的感覺就像我怎樣讓自己在短短一個小時的時間裏盡可能完整的認識另外一個人。因為人們常常會詢問我的婚戀生活，他們想知道。而我的答案是，我還在摸索學習，誰不是呢？
So this is where I am right now. About three months ago, I went on a first date. And about 30 minutes into the date, I found myself paying attention not to whether he liked me, but how I felt in his
presence. I noticed that I was light, happy, and joking. And as I reflected on the date afterwards, I was like, “Wow, I got really excited! Look, this is how committed I am to myself.” I am not even
on this date trying to get someone to like me. I am more interested in how I feel about me than how he feels about me, not because I am selfish, but because the only relationship I am ever going to have with another person is the one that I am already having with myself — just going to have it with them now.所以這就是我現在的狀態。大約三個月前，我跟一個人第一次約會。大約有三十分鍾的時間，我注意到自己的注意力並沒有在那個人是不是喜歡我，而是我自己在那當下的感覺如何。我注意到，我很放鬆，愉快，時而開個玩笑。就像我在約會後回想當時的情景，我激動的意識到，看，這就是我讓自己委身於自己的樣子啊！我約會的目的不是要讓另外一個人喜歡上我，我對自己的感覺的關注超過了對他對我的感覺的關注，並不是因為我很自私，而是，我與任何其他人要建立的關係，實際上都是我已經與自己建立的關係，就是此刻我所享有的關係。
So it turned out he liked me, and we are still together. It’s cool and amazing, but I’ve been married three times, so slow down.The thing is that I am not trying to get security from him through marriage, and, God forbid, a baby carriage. I am only here to just be in a relationship. I am not dying to hear the words, “Will you marry me?” Because even though those words are very powerful — and very powerful to a person like me — I don’t need them to hear it from him because I have already heard them from myself.最後呢那個人還真的喜歡上我了，我們到現在還在一起。很棒也很奇妙。但是因為我已經結了三次婚，咱們還是慢慢來哈哈。事實是我不再試圖從他，從婚姻，甚至，所謂的嬰兒車上麵尋找安全感，我在這裏，隻是為了跟另外一個人在一段愛的關係裏。我不再歇斯底裏的要聽到那句“你願意嫁給我嗎？”因為盡管那句話很震撼－－尤其是對我這樣曾經如此缺愛的人來說很震撼－－我也不再需要從他口中說出，因為我已經從我自己心裏聽到了。
The way I see it is like I took myself to the top of a mountain, or maybe to the bottom of the ocean, and I got down on one knee, and I said, “I’ll never leave you.”And now I am married to the one
person I really wanted to be with all along: myself. Thank you.我看待與自己結婚這件事情，是我跟自己爬山涉水，風雨同舟後，單膝跪下說，我對你不離不棄。現在我可以說，我真的嫁給了我一直以來想要嫁給的人，那就是，我自己。謝謝大家！
