生命的第三幕

珍·芳達:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/zh-tw/jane_fonda_life_s_third_act.html?source=email#.T7jHI59xUVN.email

上個世紀發生了很多種 變革， 但沒有一個如同壽命的變革一樣 具有深遠意義。 今天我們比曾祖父輩的平均壽命 要長34年。 試想一下。 這是在原先壽命上加上了 整整第二個成年期的時間。 但是，從很大程度上說， 我們的文化還沒有與之相應地發展起來。 我們對年齡的理解 還是限於舊時的年齡拱形圖。 這是老比喻了。 人從出生，到中年達到黃金期 再到衰老。 （笑聲） 年齡就是病理學。

但是今天很多人－ 哲人、藝術家、醫生還有科學家－ 都再重新審視我稱之為的第三幕， 生命中的最後三十年。 他們意識到這實際是生命的一個發展階段 有其自身意義－ 它與中年不一樣 就如同青春期和童年不一樣。 他們在探尋－我們都應該探尋－ 該怎樣利用這些時間？ 怎麽才能成功地度過這段時間？ 什麽才是對年老的 恰當比喻？

過去的一年裏我一直在研究這個主題並展開相關的寫作。 我發現了一個更加 適合年老的比喻 就是樓梯－ 人類精神的升華， 引領我們走向智慧、完整 和真實。 年齡根本不是病理學； 年齡是潛力。 並且怎麽樣呢？ 這種潛力並不專屬於幸運的少數人。 相反， 很多超過五十歲的人 感覺更好，壓力更小， 感受到的敵意和焦慮更少。 我們逐漸發現共同處 多於差異處。 有些研究甚至表明 我們更快樂

這不是我所預料的，真的。 我的生活裏有太多壓抑。 當我快到五十歲的時候， 我每天早上醒過來 我腦子裏的頭六個想法都是負麵的。 我給嚇壞了。 我想，天哪。 我將變成一個古怪無常的老太太。 而我現在正處於我的人生第三幕， 我意識到我從未有現在這麽開心。 我感覺過得十分安康得樂。 我發現了 相對於外表的衰老， 內心的老去， 恐懼會平息。 我們自己還是那個自己－ 也許更多。 畢加索曾經說過：“要變年輕那可有得等。”

（笑聲）

我不想美化衰老。 很顯然沒人能保證 會是個開花結果的過程。 有時候就是運氣的事兒。 有時候是基因的事兒。 有三分之一，實際上，都是基因的關係。 而我們對此無能為力。 但這意味著在生命的第三幕 對三分之二的人來說， 我們可以有所作為。 以下我將就如何成功地度過 這些多出來的年頭並使其有意義 來討論一下。

首先我先針對樓梯說兩句， 這聽上去象是個對老年人打的奇怪的比喻 而對於很多老年人來說，樓梯確實個挑戰。 （笑聲） 我自己也是。 眾所周知， 整個世界有一個通行法則： 熵，熱力學的第二定律。 熵意味著世界上的一切事物， 都處於衰退中， 也就是拱形。 隻有一個例外， 這就是人文精神， 它是持續增長的－ 象樓梯一樣－ 引領我們到達完整， 真實和智慧。

這有一個例子 這種升華 就算是在身體麵臨極度挑戰下也能發生。 大概三年前， 我在《紐約時報》上讀到一篇文章。 是關於一個名叫尼爾?西令戈爾的-- 57歲的退休律師-- 他加入了薩拉勞倫斯的寫作小組 在那裏他找到了成為作家的感覺。 兩年後， 他被診斷患有ALS，肌萎縮性側索硬化症。 這是個致命的可怕疾病。 它摧毀身體，但精神世界卻保持完好。 在這篇文章裏，西令戈爾先生這樣 描述他的故事。 我引用， “我的肌肉變的衰弱， 但寫作能力卻愈有力。 我在慢慢地失去講話的能力， 但卻獲得了聲音。 我在消亡，但又成長。 我失去了很多， 但卻開始發現自我。” 對我來說，尼爾?西令戈爾 是攀登人生第三階梯的 具體體現。

所有人的靈魂與生俱來， 但常常會受到生活中 各種困難的打擊， 比如暴力，虐待，無視。 也許我們的父母正在受到抑鬱症的困擾。 或許他們不能在超出我們在這個世界的成就 來愛我們。 或許我們心靈中的創傷 仍在隱隱作痛。 或許我們過往的感情很多是沒有完結的故事。 因此我們覺得不完整。 也許人生第三幕的任務 就是完成這些未完成的事。

我正在步入我的人生第三幕， 我的60歲生日。 我應該怎樣度過？ 怎樣完成這最後一幕？ 我意識到，要知道往哪裏去， 必須先明白我從哪裏來。 於是我就回過頭 去探尋我人生的前兩幕， 去看看我曾是誰， 正真的自己是什麽樣－ 這個自己不是我的父母或別人告訴我的， 或他們對待我的樣子。 我是什麽樣的人？我的父母是什麽樣的－ 單純從社會個體看他們的話？ 我的祖父母又是什麽樣？ 他們是怎樣對待我的父母的？ 此類的問題。

幾年後我才知道 我所做的這個過程 在心理學上叫做 “生平回顧”。 據說這能賦予一個人的生命 新的意義 並是其變得明晰。 像我一樣，也許你會發現， 很多你曾引以自咎的事， 很多無法放下的事， 都不是你的問題。 錯不在你。 這樣你就能 原諒他們 也原諒自己。 把自己從過去的陰影中 釋放出來。 並嚐試 改變對待自身過去的態度。

當我寫下這些的時候， 我想到了一本書《活出意義來》 維克多?弗蘭克爾所著。 他是名精神醫師 在納粹集中營裏被關過5年。 在集中營裏他寫道， 他知道，如果他們被釋放的話， 誰能平安度過 誰則不能。 他寫道： “生命中的一切都可能被剝奪 隻有一個例外， 那就是你可以決定 怎樣去應對 麵臨的處境。 這一點決定了 我們生命的質量－ 不在於貧富， 不在於名聲， 也不在於健康與否。 決定生命質量的 是我們怎樣麵對現實， 我們對現實的認知， 麵對現實的態度， 和我們由此生發的心境。”

也許生命第三幕的核心意義 就是回朔並嚐試， 修正自身對 過去的認識。 有認知研究顯示 當我們能做到這些時， 這能在神經上反應出來－ 它能在大腦裏創建神經通路。 如果你長時間， 對過去或者別人持負麵情緒， 大腦中的化學信號和電信號 就會阻礙神經通路。 隨著時間推移，這些神經通路就會固化， 最後就變成了模式－ 這會給我們帶來壓力和焦慮 對我們有害。

但是 如果我們能回頭修正對過去的看法 重建和自己過去的 關係， 神經通路可以被改變。 如果我們能保持對過去 持積極的態度， 這就會成為新的模式。 這就像重新設置恒溫器一樣。 這並不是去獲得 使人智慧的體驗， 但是這反映出我們已經有了 使自己變得智慧的體驗－ 從而使我們達到完整， 得到智慧和真實。 這能幫我們實現曾經的理想。

女性都是完整地開始的，對吧？ 因為小女孩的時候我們都很強大--“是呀，誰說的？” 我們精力旺盛。 我們是自己的主人。 但常常， 很多人，不是大多數人，達到青春期後， 開始為形象和人氣操心。 為別人而生活。 但現在，在生命的第三幕， 我們也許有可能 回望過去 重新開始。 如果我們能做到這一點， 這不僅是對我們自己有益。 老年女性 是世界人口最大的一個組成。 如果我們能回到過去重新定義自己 變得完整， 這將在全球創造新的文化變革， 並給年輕一代樹立榜樣 這樣他們可以重新認知他們的生命。

非常謝謝。

（掌聲）

There have been many revolutions over the last century, but perhaps none as significant as the longevity revolution. We are living on average today 34 years longer than our great-grandparents did. Think about that. That's an entire second adult lifetime that's been added to our lifespan. And yet, for the most part, our culture has not come to terms with what this means. We're still living with the old paradigm of age as an arch. That's the metaphor, the old metaphor. You're born, you peak at midlife and decline into decrepitude. (Laughter) Age as pathology.

But many people today -- philosophers, artists, doctors, scientists -- are taking a new look at what I call the third act, the last three decades of life. They realize that this is actually a developmental stage of life with its own significance -- as different from midlife as adolescence is from childhood. And they are asking -- we should all be asking -- how do we use this time? How do we live it successfully? What is the appropriate new metaphor for aging?

I've spent the last year researching and writing about this subject. And I have come to find that a more appropriate metaphor for aging is a staircase -- the upward ascension of the human spirit, bringing us into wisdom, wholeness and authenticity. Age not at all as pathology; age as potential. And guess what? This potential is not for the lucky few. It turns out, most people over 50 feel better, are less stressed, are less hostile, less anxious. We tend to see commonalities more than differences. Some of the studies even say we're happier.

This is not what I expected, trust me. I come from a long line of depressives. As I was approaching my late 40s, when I would wake up in the morning my first six thoughts would all be negative. And I got scared. I thought, oh my gosh. I'm going to become a crotchety old lady. But now that I am actually smack-dab in the middle of my own third act, I realize I've never been happier. I have such a powerful feeling of well-being. And I've discovered that when you're inside oldness, as opposed to looking at it from the outside, fear subsides. You realize, you're still yourself -- maybe even more so. Picasso once said, "It takes a long time to become young."

(Laughter)

I don't want to romanticize aging. Obviously, there's no guarantee that it can be a time of fruition and growth. Some of it is a matter of luck. Some of it, obviously, is genetic. One third of it, in fact, is genetic. And there isn't much we can do about that. But that means that two-thirds of how well we do in the third act, we can do something about. We're going to discuss what we can do to make these added years really successful and use them to make a difference.

Now let me say something about the staircase, which may seem like an odd metaphor for seniors given the fact that many seniors are challenged by stairs. (Laughter) Myself included. As you may know, the entire world operates on a universal law: entropy, the second law of thermodynamics. Entropy means that everything in the world, everything, is in a state of decline and decay, the arch. There's only one exception to this universal law, and that is the human spirit, which can continue to evolve upwards -- the staircase -- bringing us into wholeness, authenticity and wisdom.

And here's an example of what I mean. This upward ascension can happen even in the face of extreme physical challenges. About three years ago, I read an article in the New York Times. It was about a man named Neil Selinger -- 57 years old, a retired lawyer -- who had joined the writers group at Sarah Lawrence where he found his writer's voice. Two years later, he was diagnosed with ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. It's a terrible disease. It's fatal. It wastes the body, but the mind remains intact. In this article, Mr. Selinger wrote the following to describe what was happening to him. And I quote, "As my muscles weakened, my writing became stronger. As I slowly lost my speech, I gained my voice. As I diminished, I grew. As I lost so much, I finally started to find myself." Neil Selinger, to me, is the embodiment of mounting the staircase in his third act.

Now we're all born with spirit, all of us, but sometimes it gets tamped down beneath the challenges of life, violence, abuse, neglect. Perhaps our parents suffered from depression. Perhaps they weren't able to love us beyond how we performed in the world. Perhaps we still suffer from a psychic pain, a wound. Perhaps we feel that many of our relationships have not had closure. And so we can feel unfinished. Perhaps the task of the third act is to finish up the task of finishing ourselves.

For me, it began as I was approaching my third act, my 60th birthday. How was I supposed to live it? What was I supposed to accomplish in this final act? And I realized that, in order to know where I was going, I had to know where I'd been. And so I went back and I studied my first two acts, trying to see who I was then, who I really was -- not who my parents or other people told me I was, or treated me like I was. But who was I? Who were my parents -- not as parents, but as people? Who were my grandparents? How did they treat my parents? These kinds of things.

I discovered a couple of years later that this process that I had gone through is called by psychologists "doing a life review." And they say it can give new significance and clarity and meaning to a person's life. You may discover, as I did, that a lot of things that you used to think were your fault, a lot of things you used to think about yourself, really had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault; you're just fine. And you're able to go back and forgive them and forgive yourself. You're able to free yourself from your past. You can work to change your relationship to your past.

Now while I was writing about this, I came upon a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Viktor Frankl was a German psychiatrist who'd spent five years in a Nazi concentration camp. And he wrote that, while he was in the camp, he could tell, should they ever be released, which of the people would be okay and which would not. And he wrote this: "Everything you have in life can be taken from you except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. This is what determines the quality of the life we've lived -- not whether we've been rich or poor, famous or unknown, healthy or suffering. What determines our quality of life is how we relate to these realities, what kind of meaning we assign them, what kind of attitude we cling to about them, what state of mind we allow them to trigger."

Perhaps the central purpose of the third act is to go back and to try, if appropriate, to change our relationship to the past. It turns out that cognitive research shows when we are able to do this, it manifests neurologically -- neural pathways are created in the brain. You see, if you have, over time, reacted negatively to past events and people, neural pathways are laid down by chemical and electrical signals that are sent through the brain. And over time, these neural pathways become hardwired, they become the norm -- even if it's bad for us because it causes us stress and anxiety.

If however, we can go back and alter our relationship, re-vision our relationship to past people and events, neural pathways can change. And if we can maintain the more positive feelings about the past, that becomes the new norm. It's like resetting a thermostat. It's not having experiences that make us wise, it's reflecting on the experiences that we've had that makes us wise -- and that helps us become whole, brings wisdom and authenticity. It helps us become what we might have been.

Women start off whole, don't we? I mean, as girls, we start off feisty -- "Yeah, who says?" We have agency. We are the subjects of our own lives. But very often, many, if not most of us, when we hit puberty, we start worrying about fitting in and being popular. And we become the subjects and objects of other people's lives. But now, in our third acts, it may be possible for us to circle back to where we started and know it for the first time. And if we can do that, it will not just be for ourselves. Older women are the largest demographic in the world. If we can go back and redefine ourselves and become whole, this will create a cultural shift in the world, and it will give an example to younger generations so that they can reconceive their own lifespan.

Thank you very much.

(Applause)