一些過去的小事 (一）

It was in 2007, I just turned 33 years old. I was going through a very hard time in my life. I was facing 2 major challenges, green card, and infertility. Both were overwhelmingly difficult to overcome, and completely out of my control. There was absolutely nothing I could do, and nobody could tell me when they can ever be resolved, if at all. I felt that all the joy in life was drained away from me. I couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't go out with friends, couldn't even enjoy my favorite food. I felt completely, hopelessly, endlessly trapped in misery. Even though I was always known as a tough girl, a fighter, a survivor, that was the first time that I felt something was wrong with me. But I couldn't find anyone to talk to, I couldn't talk to friends or family, because there was nothing they could do to help me, so why trouble them? Sometimes their well-intended words hurt me even more. My husband was facing the same challenges and he was upset too, but he was not experiencing the same level of pain. Far from it. He was pretty much as cheerful as usual. Oh how I hated him for that! Finally I went to see a therapist, I had to spend the first 2 sessions to explain my situation to her, that in itself pissed me off. Why would I open up and share my pain with a stranger, who didn't seem to comprehend the scope and magnitude of my challenges? My pride was hurt. I stopped going to her. My husband begged me:"Cheer up! Just do something fun! Be nice to yourself!" Problem was, I couldn't think of anything. 1 thing that I hated the most about myself was that I'm such a boring girl, I didn't have any "presentable" hobby like crafts, dancing or gardening. All I wanted to do is to curl up in a sofa and read a good book. But even that wasn't good enough anymore. Finally, he said:"Please, think of something, even if it doesn't make sense, even if you never tried before. Something that pleases no one else but yourself." All of sudden, something came to my mind. I said in a low, dreamy, uncertain voice:"I think, maybe, I want to take an acting class. On stage, in a theater." He was thrilled:"Great idea! Go for it!"