留守歲月（5）兩地傳書

這是在紅簫把 brokendream 的兩個留言轉發給先生後在 MSN 上的一番交流，紅簫話很少，因為大部分時間她一直在流眼淚，為 brokendream ，為許許多多在痛苦中的家庭，不知為什麽想把它貼出來，不管為什麽就貼了！

Brokendream:

Don't know what to say. My hubby went to back to China for a few years. He told me that almost all his colleagues with wives still in US are either divorced or are having affairs behind wives backs. He told me that he is probably the only exception. I trusted him with all my heart and he told me often how much he loves me. We believe that we have the strongest love among our friends. I told him that if he ever did anything wrong, I would kill myself. But, finally the most heartbreaking thing happened: he is having a lover in China now. He told me that he still loves me very much but can't break up with the lover. I cried, cried and lost lots of weight in just a few days. I can't believe this can happen to me. Not even his family and friends believe this can happen. But it happened. I feel I am dying inside. I realized now that overconfidence is disaster waiting to happen. I never imagined I could possibly forgive him if he ever had an affair. But when divorce becomes a real possibility, I totally lost it. I realized how painful it is to ignore 17 years of loving marriage and start new again. I realized how much I still love him. He cried a lot too and even wants to kill himself because he feels sorry to both me and his lover. His lover knows that he is married and wouldn ’ t divorce, but still wants to be with him. Believe me, it is the most painful thing that can happen to you and you will not be as cool as you are now once you are in it. I just feel really stupid right now to leave him alone in China for so long despite all the warnings from other people. I wanted to go with him to China, but my kid didn't. So, going back to China was just kind of in holding pattern until this happened. Regardless of his relationship with his lover, I have decided to go back China very soon. I want to give my last try to save my marriage. I don't believe divorce is in the best interest for either of us. I deeply believe he still loves me. It is just that fresh love passion blinds him now. Telling you all this because I don ’ t want to see another person going through what I am going through now. Believe me: no body is immune to temptation. I don ’ t want to see another overconfident wife to realize that her loving husband can be part of that 100% too. Deep down, all people and families are similar.

Brokendream:

Looks like you still want to stay in here. If you ask every heartbroken wife with hubby in China, they probably have similar thoughts as you before something happened. And that is probably why even with so many examples, the same thing happens again and again. Every body thinks they are the exceptions. My thinking was just like you before my heart being smashed. Our love kept him away from temptations for almost 3 years and finally the right person came along and he gave in. What else do I need to say to make you understand? If you are still determined to stay, I just wish the best for you. Your husband will be near saint if he can stay in China for a few years without any problems. If your age showing on the blog is right, you are a little older than me. Take care bigger sister. I hope you can rethink your decisions again.

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

hi, 看到你轉發的 Email 了

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

are you a saint?

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

will you be a saint?

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

恩 ,, 不知道

我不是上帝 , 我能做的隻是盡量過好每一天

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

then....

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

不能得出任何結論

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

what should i do?

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

相信我

繼續相信我

不論別人怎麽說

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

can i?

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

恩

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

her hubby said like that too before...

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

也有很多沒有問題的

我不認為都是這樣 , 雖然聽說過很多

業兵在國內待了多年

還有很多海歸在國內 , 我認識的幾個朋友

海歸很多 , 出事的人被廣為傳播

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

業兵也有身體出軌 ...

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

哦 , 那是另外一個話題

他跟同力在一起，難免

還有就是女人不要太敏感 , 業兵他們現在過得不是很好 ?

有的男人有機會也許會偶爾出軌一下 ,

女人也有

那是不同的

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

那就還是人家說的失足，隻是 ... 而已

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

站在理性的角度 , 沒有人是完人 , 人犯錯誤都是有可能的

關鍵是如何處理這些事情

我不是為這種事情找借口 , 而是說一種普遍的問題

那些最後歇斯底裏的人都是因為自己把丈夫給推出去了

負責人的男人都不會傷害自己的家庭 也不會背叛自己的家庭

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我明白

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

正如那位女士說的 , 她丈夫也很痛苦

但是我相信如果她處理得好的話 , 丈夫肯定會回到她的身邊 , 而且會更心疼自己的妻子

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

沒那麽容易，已有的傷口要愈合談何容易？

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

如果她現在處處提防 , 處理的不好 , 即使他們在一起 , 她的丈夫會覺得因為她而對不住了那個他的 lover

也許夫妻兩個仍然在一起生活，但是已經沒有了愛了

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

你不覺得對這個妻子太不公平

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

是，但沒有辦法，這是很微妙的一種心理

業兵現在聊天的時候一口一個我們家陶桃怎麽好怎麽好

我想他是真實的

寶寶別想太多了

這個話題是個非常大的社會話題

困擾著所有的人，我不想你成為話題本身的犧牲者

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

這些我都懂，就是覺得不 fair, 吃那麽苦為什麽？

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

所以大家都要珍惜，都要理解和寬容，其實每個人吃的苦都不少。

人或者究竟是為什麽，我有時候經常在想這個問題，安逸的生活我們已經可以得到 ……

我們公司的員工每天都在談論柴米油鹽，他們為生計奔波， 8 個人共住一套房子，買 40 塊錢一件的毛衣，他們覺得很幸福，因為他們對未來充滿了希望。

我們也曾經走過同樣的路，我們也同樣在苦難中充滿了希望，生活的幸福。

經常，累的時候我就非常想放手回去，想回到原來的生活中去，在美國找一份輕鬆的工作，這種念頭越來越強烈。每一天都隻休息 4/5 個小時，每天的生活就是在方圓 500 米 範圍之內，沒有妻子孩子在身邊。

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

同當初打工的時候真的感覺不一樣了，任何一點細節都要自己過問，給 Intersil 做的筆記本我讓他們做了好幾遍了，我校正到昨天淩晨 2 點多，還是有很多的錯誤。

人手不夠如何開展各種活動？資金如果不夠了下一步怎麽辦？客戶那邊聯係的不錯，下一步怎麽去跟蹤？都要自己去想，去操心。

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

有時候想想真的不知道自己為了什麽

我不想成名，也不想有太多的錢，我究竟是在為什麽？

老婆孩子還在那邊孤獨地生活

還好，我這邊還有一個同樣孤獨的喬治跟我相互打氣，相互支撐著不要倒下來

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我當然知道這一切，世上還有誰比我更了解你更理解你，更心疼你，所以我想盡自己的所能為你分擔，不想在你的麵前說消極的話，不想再給你添煩憂，甚至不想在你的麵前流眼淚

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

寶寶你做的非常不容易了

這麽依賴型強的女孩能這麽堅強地在那裏不讓我擔心，是最偉大的了。每每別人問起你我都內心裏感覺非常的驕傲

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

你是我最大的後盾，雖然我平時很堅強，可是我知道在我最脆弱，最後的依靠還是你。

那是一種浸泡著二十年汗水＼淚水的深情

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

寶寶，你不知道我內心裏有多麽的愛你，

對你的蠻橫無禮＼莫不關心是因為我太愛你了，在你麵前可以為所欲為，我在任何一個別人麵前都不能這樣做。我知道這樣做深深地傷害著你，可是我覺得隻有你才能讓我發泄對生活的不滿

隻有你才能讓我肆意地宣泄我內心的煩惱

茫茫人海中聽者隻有我最親愛的人

寬容我者＼嗬護我者＼在意我者隻有你

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

雖然知道你沒心沒肝的，可還是會擔心你一個人會孤獨，擔心你不好好吃飯，擔心你不好好照顧自己，擔心你工作壓力大一個人扛著 ...

你知道我永遠都是最懂你，也是最支持你的那個人，所以無論人們是在說什麽 ...

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

沒事的，隻要我知道你們過得還好就行了，有你照顧好兩個寶寶，我什麽都能扛過去的

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

寶寶，我會盡一切努力做好，生活好，工作好。

寶寶也要相信我

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

萬一哪一天我也像其他俗人一樣不慎失足，寶寶要救我，寶寶不要把我推開。

寶寶還是以你偉大的善良和寬容保護我

因為任何事情都不應該玷汙我們二十多年來我們共同走過這麽多路建立起來的感情

如果讓我割舍這二十年的感情＼割舍同寶寶多年來的風雨同舟的記憶，就如同失去我的生命

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

這一點我覺得我比你有骨氣，也許還是我太理想主義，一直有一種執拗在我的心裏，為什麽是 100% ，為什麽我們一定要淪陷潮流，我們可以吃那麽多苦為了成就夢想，可以付出那麽大的代價為了理想，為什麽一定要敗在那麽凡俗的一個 “ 失足 ” 裏，我就不信真的已經沒有情感可以勝過這一切，隻要我們用心經營，用心！　

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

恩，我也這麽想，可是別人不那麽相信

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我真地想跟世俗打一場戰役，我就不信最後一定是我們輸

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我從來都不作許諾，你是知道的，這並不意味著我不堅持

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我們不是 saint, 可我們都珍惜我們所擁有的，我們都願意為我們所擁有的付出和犧牲，因為我們明白我們已經擁有了我們想擁有的，盡管不是完美，盡管也有缺憾，可人生還有多少個二十年讓人一起從年少走到今，那種已經融入血液的情感，誰會相信未來還會有其他的 chance 能從頭再來，所以我說，如果到那一天我們真的輸了，我真的輸得心服口服，因為你是我了解得你，我是你了解得我，我們又這麽了解我們所擁有的，知己知彼，我們還輸了，有什麽可悔、可怨的！

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

寶寶，相信我！

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我們彼此深愛

[e-mail] （電子郵件地址未驗證） 說:

我相信

[carmdown]

It seems marriage is nothing to man. I don't know why they need to find a lover when they have wife and kids. Let them go, take care of kids and find another person who deserves your love. I don't think it is worthy to struggle for such kind of men! He loves himself much much more than his wife and kids. All those men who have lovers out of family are cheating. Don't be silly. They are greedy to have more. Let them go! I don't know why there are so many Chinese ladies who are pride of themselves for breaking others' family. I really don't know. Let the stupid husbands go!Keep kids.

[june06]

我看得出你跟老公是很相愛的.但我對人性沒有信心.剛分開的時候都是會很思念的,等'激情'過後,日子會變得很現實.如果你真的非常愛你的老公,那你也可以包容他的出軌吧.你現在因為愛,而願意冒險讓他一個人回國,你知道,投資不一定穩賺.我想,至少你老公是不安於現狀的人,否則他不會回去.你們的生活注定會風險大一些.你所能做的,除了做好自己該做的外(保持魅力什麽的),就是包容了.說句話,可能顯得可笑:愛一個人就是讓他幸福.

[不吃不喝]

TO BREAKDREAM：
隻要老公還愛你，真的不要想離婚的事，斷了這個念頭。

[不吃不喝]

大家好!我是新來的，我也曾麵臨著老公回國這個問題。我在這件事上的態度是夫妻二人絕對不可以分開。沒人男人甚至女人可以抵擋住孤獨及性的誘惑，即使自認為能的，也隻是還沒遇到夠級別的。我對老公說，要麽一起回去，要麽不回去，隻是回國幾乎就不可能再回到美國了。思量再三，老公最先決定先兩頭跑，一年一到兩次，每次最長四周。經過三年以後，他現在還是兩頭跑，他向我交實底了：要是真的回去半年，我真的不敢保證我不出軌。
我真的覺得沒有什麽比一家人在一起更重要。如果問一個男人，是願 意有個百萬年薪的工作，但必須和老婆 離婚，還是願意隻有十萬年薪，但全家人在一起。對一些夫妻恩愛的男人來說，會選 哪一個呢？

[brokendream]

Thanks for everybody's suggestions. Now things have turned around. The girl now decided to leave because she didn't see the future of a second wife. Hubby feels miserable. But I hope he will feel better with passing time. I was planning to leave after my kid going to college. Now, I will treasure the second chance with my hubby. Hope his heart will be totally back soon and hope our love will be stronger after this. Of course, they could still go back together. Well.... Thanks again for all your kind words!

[紅簫]

謝謝江河妞妞和各位誠摯的關心。

[江河妞妞]

To:紅簫大姐。我說這些絕對沒有冒犯你或者你老公的意思，純粹是個人意見，僅供你作為反麵意見參考。

我看了你老公跟你的msn對話，有幾個感覺不吐不快。1。 他對控製自己在國內不出軌沒有絕對信心，因為他一直在要求你對他有信心。一個人自己對自己都沒信心，怎麽能等到別人的信任？所以我認為他出軌隻是個時間早晚問題，關鍵在於他什麽時候遇到能讓他真正動心的又真心愛他不求名分的女孩。當然，假如這個女孩一直不出現，他還是會對你專一的。2。他對出軌的定義和你的不一樣。你認為跟別人上床就是出軌，但是他肯定認為肉體的出軌不算背叛，隻能是逢場作戲。其實每個男人出軌的時候都是這麽自我欺騙並且欺騙老婆。比如，他們會說，我心裏隻愛你一個，可是那個女人太主動勾引我，我一點不愛她，我甩不掉。其實真相正好相反。你一定要跟他溝通清楚，肉體的出軌也是背叛。

你對你們的感情簡直是盲目自信，這一點很危險。一般老公出軌，他的朋友們都會幫他瞞著老婆。老婆往往是最後一個知道的。有點緊惕意識，對維持你們的婚姻愛情有好處。不要因為老夫老妻而疏於打扮自己，時刻保持愛情的新鮮感，讓你老公覺得你年輕貌美獨自在美國追求者如雲才是讓他對你專一的必要條件。這樣他就會經常回美國看著你，而且就算在國內也時刻擔心你跟別的男人跑了，哪有時間精力在國內花？說不定國內公司關掉，回來守著老婆了。對男人而言，得不到的永遠是最好的，你對他若即若離，他反而會對你在乎得要命。假如你整天不打扮，就算你為家裏犧牲自己的事業，生兒育女，做出在大的貢獻，他也不在乎。

一個男人為了自己所謂的事業回中國，留下老婆子女孤苦伶仃在美國，怎麽看都挺自私的。他怎麽不為你和孩子著想呢？感情是要雙方都付出的，一方付出太多，總歸不長久。

我說話直了點，希望你不要介意。衷心希望你們幸福。

[江河妞妞]

Why hasn't anyone here suggested Sister Brokendream with this option: divorce with the man who betrayed you and your 17-year marriage, and start you new life happily? I know it is much easier to say than to do, but if you don't divorce, how could he know what a treasure he has once abandoned for some rubbish? If you don't break up with your past, how can you get fully prepared for the future happiness in life? You are in USA and you got plenty of chances to meet other men who treat you as the most valuable person in the world and will never betray you.

Time will cure all the woulds. Be strong. Be calm. Kick the asshole out of your life. Be prepared for someone who really cares for you.

Sorry, I might be too radical. But I will never forgive my husband if he sleeps with other woman.

Alternatively, imagine if you had a lover in US, will your husband be struggling in how to defend you marriage and get your lover away? I guess not.Most probably he will divorce with you for our unloyalty. So what? Do the same thing to him and get this junk totally out of your life.

All the best.

[brokendream]

Thanks for all your suggestions. All has been tried. But when a person is in love passion, being rational is very hard. He said he will never give me up, but ...... Well, the best I am hoping for is that time will make the passion go away for both of them. The girl needs to plan for her future too. I hope one day she will realize that it is not in her best interest to keep going like this. Just hope it will not come too late when my heart is dead.
紅簫, I really hope you will be mentally prepared if something happens. Love is very beautiful and vulnerable, don't test it. When every body before you broke theirs, it is not wise to test yours again to see if it breaks. The world is not built for dreamers. Don't hang your love on the thread of luck. If your love is so important to you, then pamper it and nurture it, don't torture it. Sincerely wish you and your hubby all the best!

[紅簫]

hi,asigngirl說的對，事情已經發生了，心碎、心痛都於事無補，掙紮著也要站起來，做點什麽。盡量冷靜地跟LG做一次交流，給她時間讓他想清楚一些問題，如果今天他是一個沒有海龜光環的普通打工仔，也沒有錢，她會愛他嗎？如果今天沒有了一個健康的身體，她能無怨無悔的照顧他麽？如果他們今天的愛情真的走進婚姻，他有信心17年後會比你們現在的婚姻更美好？他能做到丟下你們的孩子，自己幸福的去生活嗎？想清楚總得有個了斷，魚和熊掌不可能兼得。你的冷靜和寬容，會讓他做出正確選擇的，為你祈福！

[asiangirl]

To brokendream,
建議你可以安排一些家庭旅遊,cruises,歐洲,夏威夷等,一來讓你LG有更多的機會享受天倫之樂,父親和孩子的這種感情很容易將天平傾向於你.二,讓他的LOVER知道,真正有檔次的享受是屬於你的,讓她難受,知難而退,要知道許多MM說不在乎你LG離不離婚,但內心是存有幻想的.或者說她覺得能奪人之愛是很虛榮的一件事.反正要讓她知道你LG愛你遠超過她.她不過是過路風景而已.千萬不要輕易言放棄,那正是她的LOVER所期待.三,不管發生什麽,這些家庭旅遊也會讓自己身心放鬆,留下美好回憶.
祝你好運.記住,浪子回頭金不換,對於感情深厚的夫妻,做妻子的寬容一點,會讓LG更加珍惜的

[brokendream]

Thanks for sharing!
With tear I finished reading. It feels like my hubby talking with me before. Until this day, I can’t understand why suddenly everything has changed. What should I do to not push him away? Let him keep the affair going and hoping for the best? It is so hard to keep being positive and happy while knowing your hubby is with the other girl at the exactly moment. I know I should just close my eyes and pretend everything is just fine, but when your hubby’s every action reminds you how much he cares about the other person, your heart just breaks into pieces. I am allowing them to continue right now, but I don't know how long I can stay strong before breaking down. Again, thanks for sharing, wish you all the best!