溫哥華失眠夜
嬉笑怒罵皆成文章
談到美國standup comedy而不談傑裏賽菲爾德（Jerry Seinfeld），就象到了紐約而沒到時代廣場一樣。雖然直到目前為止，我還是沒搞明白他那部連續播放了九年的電視劇《宋飛傳》究竟紅在哪裏，可人家就是紅了，問你服未？
這正應了一句俗語，“富貴逼人來”。當運氣朝你劈頭蓋臉地砸下來的時候，你怎麽躲也躲不掉。試問有誰可以憑一部電視連續劇創下收入過億美元的記錄？有誰可以憑講講笑話就被比爾蓋茨看中而重金聘邀為微軟做廣告？
賽菲爾德做到了。
《宋飛傳》是一部以紐約為背景的都市情景喜劇。它反映了現代大都市小人物的喜怒哀樂。雖然劇情平凡瑣碎，居然飛入千千萬萬尋常百姓家，成了九十年代最受歡迎的電視劇之一。平心而論，對我這個沒有啃過紐約這隻大蘋果的局外人來說，電視劇《老友記》要比《宋飛傳》更深得我心，可那純屬個人偏好，與兩劇的高下優劣無關。
誠然，每個走紅的諧星，必有其獨特之處。賽菲爾德多年在standup comedy圈裏打滾，也時有妙語連珠，可供一笑。
這個世界上每天發生的新聞數量剛好填滿了報紙的版麵，真是好神奇啊！
（It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ）
約會是什麽？不就是整晚的求職麵談麽？唯一的區別就是，求職麵談最後肉帛相見的機會不太多。
（What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. ）
男人對底褲的要求跟對女人的要求是一樣的：一點點支持，一點點自由度。
（Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ）
狗是世界的主宰。要是你看到兩個生命體，一個拉了一泡屎，另一個為它拿著。你說是誰說了算？
（ Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. ）
根據最新研究，人的頭等恐懼是公開演講，次等恐懼是死亡。死亡退居二線。這像話嗎？這就是說，如果你在一個葬禮上，躺在棺材裏比在那裏念悼詞好受得多。
（ According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. ）
瑞士的軍隊很好玩。五百年裏無戰事。真神奇。也真走運。看過他們的武器----瑞士小軍刀沒有？根本算不上啥武器。葡萄酒瓶螺旋起子，啤酒瓶起子。“喂，哥們，咱們走。你先走，我後麵那家夥有一把湯勺。後退！我這可是有一把指甲鉗呢！”
（The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." ）
人們為何互贈鮮花？為慶祝各種重要場合，就扼殺生靈嗎？為何隻限於植物呢？“甜心，咱們和好吧。給！這是一隻死鬆鼠。”
（Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." ）
八卦雜誌的讀者活該受騙。
（People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to。）
我覺得，在性方麵，男女之間的衝突在於男人象救火隊員。對男人來說，性是緊急事件，無論我們在幹什麽，我們可以在兩分鍾內準備就緒。女人則象火。她們很熱切，可是條件要恰到好處這火才生得起來。
（Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.）
男式禮服背後的理念，反映了女人的觀點，即天下男人一般黑；所以我們不如也就穿得一般黑。因此，婚禮就象一位容光煥發的新娘子和一群男人的結合。男式禮服是女人發明的一項安全裝置，因為她們知道男人靠不住。所以，一旦新郎倌嚇跑了，大家向前邁一步，她就跟下一位結婚。
（ The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. ）
一個諧星的思路有別於常人。因此，一個諧星的收入也就有別於常人。
生子當如賽菲爾德。
