夫妻本是同林鳥------家庭倫理與幽默係列（3）

夫妻篇

夫妻，是家庭倫理關係裏最微妙複雜的關係。兩個人朝夕相處，繁衍後代，同甘共苦，相濡以沫，白頭偕老。而這個過程又充斥著拌嘴，吵架，摩擦，計較，冷戰。夫妻生活，就像一出沒完沒了的情景喜劇連續劇。
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每個男人都需要一個老婆，因為不能事事都賴在政府身上啊。
Every man needs a wife because too many things go wrong that can’t be blamed on the government.

有些夫妻每年吵架52回。每回持續一周。
We have more than 52 arguments a year and each one lasts at least a week.

做丈夫的麻煩在於，你從一大早就得完美無缺。老婆總是指望丈夫是家庭事務的全能冠軍。
The trouble with being a husband is that you have to be perfect so early in the morning.

而做丈夫的，在老婆的長期淫威下，其實就成了一名褪盡銳氣的情人
A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted.

到了最後，他成了一個可憐的家夥，連想要自殺，都必需先問問老婆同不同意。
The poor guy can’t even commit suicide without asking his wife’s permission.

久而久之，濃情轉淡。在餐館裏，若是見到一名丈夫在親吻老婆，你以為人家有多浪漫，殊不知是因為那位仁兄餐巾紙剛好用完了。
He only kisses his wife when he has run out of napkin

男人慢慢發覺老婆和女朋友的區別在於：一個是例行公事的默許，一個是滿腔熱情的配合。
The difference between a wife and a girl friend is the difference between routine acquiescence and enthusiastic cooperation.

都說要抓住男人的心，首先要抓住他的胃。可偏偏有的老婆還是不好好學學廚藝。那天，我老婆為我們準備了野餐的食品。真難為了那些螞蟻！
My wife made us a picnic lunch the other day. I felt sorry for the ants.

老婆會做飯而不願意做，真不像話。更不像話的是，老婆不會做飯而還非要做。
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s the wife who can’t cook and will.

老婆和老公的好朋友私奔了。老公懷念的居然是那哥們！
My wife ran away with my best friend. I surely miss him.

不諳風情的老公早就忘了老婆的生日，可卻記得她的年齡， 真是大煞風景。
He forgets his wife’s birthday, but remembers her age.

男人這種奇怪的動物，去釣魚時，可以等三個鍾頭讓魚上鉤，去參加派對時，卻不能等十五分鍾讓老婆穿衣打扮。
Men are creatures who can wait three hours for a fish to bite but can’t wait fifteen minutes for their wives to dress.

老公出門在外，給老婆寄明信片前一定要仔細檢查單詞拚寫是否有錯，以免釀成大禍。有位丈夫寫著：“我過得很開心。要是你在這就好了。”（I am having a good time! Wish you were here.”, 可一個不小心，here 少了最後那個e, 成了“wish you were her” ( “要是你是她就好了。”) 回家後怎麽解釋那個“她“？

對女人來說，丈夫，就是和你共患難的那個人。可是你要是不嫁給他，本來就沒有那些患難。
A husband is a man who will stick by you in all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

好老婆自己理虧時總會原諒老公的。
A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong.

聰明的老婆從不給老公有時間三思，省得節外生枝。
A wise wife never gives her husband time to have second thoughts.

成功的男人掙的錢老婆花不完。成功的女人就是找個這樣的男人。
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

男人會花兩塊錢去買價值一塊錢的東西，隻要他用得著。女人會花一塊錢去買價值兩塊錢的東西，即使她用不著。是誰更勤儉持家呢？
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn’t want.

女人嫁給男人，指望他還會變，他偏偏不變。（抽煙喝酒等惡習不僅不變，還變本加厲起來）。男人娶女人，指望她不會變，她偏偏就變（腰圍變成水桶，臉上黑斑增多）。
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

女人嫁了老公才前程無憂。男人娶了老婆才擔憂前程。
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

夫妻，就是這麽風風雨雨磕磕碰碰幾十年走過來。

到頭來，我發現我老婆和我有一個共同點：那就是我們還都愛著同一個男人。
（如此自戀！）
My wife and I have one thing in common: We love the same man.
有的夫妻走不到盡頭，或二奶篡位，或紅杏出牆。即使如此，分手也要分的瀟灑一點。怎樣才算瀟灑？

瀟灑：我回家發現我老婆和別的男人在床上。我向他敬禮，說，“對不起，打擾了。”
Savor-faire: I go home and find my wife sleeping with another man and I tip my hat to him and say, “Excuse me.”
更瀟灑：我回家發現我老婆和別的男人在床上。我向他敬禮，說，“對不起，打擾了。請繼續。”
Savor-faire: I go home and find my wife sleeping with another man and I tip my hat to him and say, “Excuse me. Please continue.”
最瀟灑：我回家發現我老婆和別的男人在床上。我向他敬禮，說，“對不起，打擾了。請繼續。”他真的繼續！
Savor-faire: I go home and find my wife sleeping with another man and I tip my hat to him and say, “Excuse me. Please continue.” And he can continue!

[farmersc]

經典

[Newday01]

Marrige is art and only the smart ones have better taste.

[samsyrny]

英文很幽默，中文能翻譯得準確、簡短、幽默點就更完美了。

[rebirth2009]

So funny!

[漫端]

有意思

[riverside]

哈哈哈！