俺的評論來了哈，熱湯閃道哈~~~~~

來源: lilac09 於 2010-05-29 07:31:17 [檔案] [博客] [舊帖] [給我悄悄話] 閱讀數 : (4097 bytes)

周五, 在這美好的夜晚，別人都在看電視，亦或快活，俺卻在電腦前用功，兩眼淚花花. 終於明白了，原來給別人找事就是給自己找事，搬起的石頭，就是要砸到什麽人的腳，既然周圍空空如也，也隻有低頭看看自己的腳，唉，而窗外，一輪滿月高掛。

說到滿月, 現在來談談美職兩譚第一小資美女菜菜的文 - 月滿，別人說滿月，她卻偏要說月滿，"滿"一個形容詞轉動詞的妙用，體現出人心情的漲落如月之贏虧，這不是小資，誰是小資?

菜菜的文以清麗著稱. 擅長於平素日常的細微瑣碎中，將人生感悟，心思愁絮，點點絲絲抽出，打動人心讓一個男同學去品一個女生的小心情，小格調是很難滴. Women are puzzles, aren’t they? 可以看出self同學作了大量功課, 在翻譯中，尊重原文, 翻的很有韻味，用了很多地道好詞, 體現了原文的精神格調, 很不容易, 鼓掌.

俺不擅長翻譯，是個自由主義，俺被self同學的誠意打動，俺今抹下臉來，說的多點，評的細點，不單單幾個好字，要得罪了，有用的您聽，說錯的，您衝下水道。

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Once, I was up all night in my hotel room. In my dreamy eyes, the silhouettes of trees grabbed the curtains. Trying to fall asleep was like trying to seize the ghostly shadow on the ceiling. The harder I tried, the farther it eluded me.
I succumbed completely after a long futile struggle with my insomnia.

Lilac: 開篇翻得很漂亮

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一些有待商榷的句子:
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1.Self: ”Decidedly I got up, curled up on the couch with a cup of hot tea, betting on a midnight movie to carry me through.”
索性正正經經地起來，捧一杯熱茶，縮在沙發裏麵找電影看。

Sentence structure: verb, verb and verb.
So “betting on …” is not good
Lilac: Decidedly I got up, curled up on the couch with a cup of hot tea, and flipped through movies cds.

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2. Self: ”The rising scent of mint perforated the cool night air, spread out a sprinkle of warmth around me.”
薄荷茶的香氣一蓬一蓬地升起來，溫暖而又清涼地洇在深夜的空氣裏麵。(典型的女小資句)

perforate: 打孔, 不太恰當
Lilac: Then the special mint scent curled up gently and permeated (彌漫)slowly into the cool midnight air. I was wrapped in its warmth and freshness.

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3. It was pathetic that, subconsciously, I always tried to find some comics to laugh at, even with a somber movie.
我不是不鄙視自己的：我鄙視自己熱愛從文藝片裏尋找喜劇元素的不當情緒。

comics: 漫畫
I depise myself: I despise myself for even trying to find inappropriate comic elements from a serious literary film (文藝片)

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4. It was at that moment, I fell in love with Hong Kong, that tiny island suffused with commercialism. Because I felt one of them, I was one of them, harmoniously.
從此便喜歡香港，喜歡那個小小的，充滿功利心的彈丸之地：走在人群裏麵，因為覺得被認同，被接納，所以，很安心

功利心 – utilitarianism, commercialism不錯，但utilitarianism更靠近原文
Lilac: ...because I felt I was one of them, like a drop in a bucket, so natural and comfortable.

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5.“I was like that too, loving, not loving, enjoying, not enjoying, being together, not being together.”

We love, we hate, we enjoy, we suffer, we meet and we depart.

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Some grammar issues:

Waking up the next morning, that white shirt was still on me, ruffled.
waking up的主語是人, 不是襯衣

句子連接
I had thought about bleaching it, but I was afraid that the fabric may be too fragile, (要加上 “AND I” ) had also wondered embroidering a pattern to cover it up. Eventually, I let it go. In the end, it’s only a shirt.

還有一些句子時態問題，現在時，過去時混用

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Some words and diction:

pop entertainment – Hong Kong Showbiz
He has gone missing – has been missing
a mid-age Hong Kong guy – middle aged
毫不顯山露水 – “flaunting” sounds better than “dazzling”
textile -紡織品,, 用 texture 手感, 質感, 質地
stranger city – strange city
insentiently – can’t find this word. You can use “occasionally”

那個啥，說的多，費勁還得罪人，self同學是熟人，俺就這一次，換個人俺還不敢得罪的說, 您別介意~~~