飛鳥在，良弓藏：與攝影暫別
A temporary farewell to photography
最近幾天WXC上聊攝影、顯美圖的朋友挺多，我卻決定與之暫別了。心中有些不舍，扯得稍微遠一點兒 —
In recent days, there have been many friends on WXC chatting about photography and sharing beautiful images, but I have decided to take a temporary break from it. There's a bit of reluctance in my heart, pulling away a little further and earlier —
1.
我最早按快門要追溯到大約上初二的時候。做機械工程師的父親的實驗室有一架“海鷗”DF135照相機。他們在工作中，有時須換上特殊鏡頭拍一些金屬斷麵的照片。我印象裏，大約有三、四次，我們家裏有比較值得紀念的事情或是全家周末出遊，父親就把相機（帶50mm或58 mm鏡頭）借回家，我們買一卷膠卷一次拍完。在這過程中，他大致跟我介紹了一下光圈，快門速度，膠卷的ISO以及景深等概念，我明白了個大概。那個相機當然是沒有測光表的，曝光指數完全依照經驗。這是初學者使用全手動相機最大的挑戰之一。
My earliest experience with pressing the shutter dates back to around the second year of junior high school. My father, who was a mechanical engineer, had a "Seagull" DF135 camera in his laboratory. In their work, they sometimes needed to use special lenses to take photos of metal cross-sections. I remember about three or four times when there were memorable events in our family or we went on a weekend outing, my father would borrow the camera (with a 50mm or 58mm lens), we would buy a roll of film, and shoot it all at once. During this process, he roughly introduced me to concepts like aperture, shutter speed, film ISO, and depth of field, and I got a general understanding. Of course, that camera didn't have a light meter; exposure was entirely based on experience. This was one of the biggest challenges for beginners using a fully manual camera.
到了大學裏，班級集體出去玩經常也是租一個相機。學校邊上就是做這種生意的。我們一般租那種雙鏡頭相機，使用120膠卷。隻要把幾塊錢押金（忘了具體數）和學生證押在店裏，就可以租一個相機出來，一日的租金也比較合理。這種相機的拍攝者是看上麵的毛玻璃，被攝者的上下是反的，頗有趣味。現在看那時候的老照片，毛病之一是人拍得太小，構圖也成問題，這些都是經驗不足所致。到了大學的後期，有同學開始有相機了，就再也不用去租。記得我們班有位女生的父親從日本出差回來，帶給她一個135相機。雖然後來想想不過是個全塑料、固定鏡頭、非單反的初級相機，但當時覺得很高級。
In college, when our class went on outings, we would often rent a camera. There was a business near the school that did this. We usually rented those twin-lens cameras using 120 film. As long as we left a few yuan (forgot the exact amount) and our student ID as a deposit, we could rent a camera, and the daily rate was reasonable. The users of these cameras looked through the top viewfinder, and the orientation was reversed, which was quite interesting. Looking at the old photos from that time, one problem was that people were often photographed too small, and composition was also an issue, all due to lack of experience. In the later years of college, some classmates started owning cameras, and we didn't need to rent anymore. I remember a girl in our class whose father came back from a business trip to Japan and brought her a 135 camera. Although looking back, it was just a basic plastic, fixed-lens, non-SLR camera, at that time, it felt very advanced.
2.
在出國前的5年裏，我有一個穩定的第二職業，即在北京的某個周報當兼職編輯。一名理科生怎麽有那個經曆，說來話長。那是一個獨特、有趣的經曆，以後有機會單寫。我負責一個版麵的組稿和排版，出席每周的編輯、記者全體會，然後呆在編輯部一整天，所以很快跟七、八個全職編輯記者就混熟了。攝影記者老錢原來是《中國青年報》的攝影記者，見多識廣，頗受主編器重。在我們這個小報財力有限的情況下，批準他購買了尼康F4機身外加三個頂級鏡頭。我進編輯部時，器材剛到，老錢愛不釋手。其他編輯記者也好生羨慕嫉妒，盡管他們不攝影。為什麽呢，原來老錢這套行頭，價格超過了報社廣告部的那輛“鬆花江”小麵包車，是我們小報編輯部裏最昂貴的資產，且完全由老錢一人把持。
In the five years before I went abroad, I had a second job as an editor for a weekly magazine / newspaper in Beijing. It was a unique and interesting experience, which I may write about separately when I get a chance. I was responsible for compiling and typesetting a section, attending the weekly editorial and reporter meetings, and then spending the whole day in the editorial department. So, I quickly became familiar with the full-time editors and reporters. The photojournalist Lao Qian used to be a photojournalist for the "China Youth Daily" and was well-experienced, highly valued by the chief editor. In our small newspaper with limited financial resources, he was approved to purchase a Nikon F4 body plus three top-notch lenses. When I joined the editorial department, the equipment had just arrived, and Lao Qian couldn't put it down. Other editors and reporters envied him, even though they didn't do photography. Why? Because Lao Qian's set of equipment cost more than the newspaper's advertising department's minivan, making it the most expensive asset in our editorial department, entirely controlled by Lao Qian.
很快，老錢就發現我喜歡攝影。於是他就有時跟我聊聊攝影的技法，還把他的尼康F4讓我摸摸，甚至拍兩張，但都是他在場。這玩意在當時的中國是巨額財產。他說他認識的一個攝影記者，幾年前帶著頂級攝影器材去外地采訪，結果器材被搶，人被打成重傷，留下後遺症。過了一、兩年，他建議我買一套自己的。他說尼康F3很不錯，我一查價錢，買不起。他說這樣吧，我陪你去西單攝影器材商店，看看有什麽選項，你買可以負擔的最好的。我從銀行取出了我所有的錢儲蓄約6700元。我95年之所以如此之“富”，是因為這包括了我大學畢業後去講師團一年的津貼，與他人合譯一部專業書的稿費，以及到編輯部一年多的外快。我告誡自己，絕不能花過5千。結果呢，在老錢的和店員的雙重建議、鼓勵之下，我買了尼康F50機身，Sigma28-70 mm和 Sigma70-300 mm 兩個鏡頭。離開商店的時候，除去攝影器材，我的總財產隻有人民幣兩位數了。
Soon, Lao Qian found out that I liked photography. Sometimes he would chat with me about photographic techniques, let me touch and take a couple of shots with his Nikon F4, but always with him present. At that time, this kind of camera was a huge asset in China. He mentioned a story of a photojournalist he knew who, a few years ago, went to another place for an interview with top-notch photographic equipment. His equipment was snatched away. He got severely beaten and left with lasting injuries. After a year or two, he suggested that I should buy my own set. He said the Nikon F3 body was very good, but after checking the price, I realized that I couldn't afford it. He said, "How about this, I'll accompany you to the Xidan camera equipment store, and see what options are available. You buy the best one you can afford." I withdrew all my savings from the bank, about 6,700 yuan. The reason I was so "rich" in 1995 was because it included the allowance I received for a year as a teacher in a middle school in the countryside (sending by the government) shortly after graduating from college, the fee for co-translating a professional book with others, and the extra income from working in the editorial department for more than a year. I warned myself not to spend more than 5,000 yuan. The result? Under the dual advice and encouragement of Lao Qian and the store clerk, I bought a Nikon F50 body, Sigma 28-70mm, and Sigma 70-300mm lenses. When I left the store, apart from the photography equipment, my total assets were only in double digits of RMB.
3.
這套尼康器材雖然是純業餘級別，且不是原廠鏡頭，但畢竟是自動測光、自動對焦的新一代產品，且有從28至300 mm的很寬的範圍，這為拍攝提供了極大的方便。這套係統跟了我8年，記錄了我在國內最後3年和美國生活前5年的重要時刻。這個時候，相機主要是用來拍攝紀念照和旅遊照片，偶爾拍幾張風景照。記得當時在北京，我有一次背著攝影包去拍攝一位朋友的婚禮，也很像那麽回事兒。Candid camera是對他們婚紗攝影的很好的補充。
Although this Nikon equipment was at a purely amateur level and the lenses were not Nikon brand, it was still a new generation product with automatic metering and autofocus, providing great convenience with a wide range from 28 to 300 mm. This system accompanied me for 8 years, recording important moments in my last 3 years in China and the first 5 years of in the United States. At this time, the camera was mainly used for taking commemorative and travel photos, occasionally shooting some landscape photos. I remember back in Beijing, I carried my camera bag to shoot a friend's wedding banquet. My equipment looked quite impressive to some people. Candid camera was another side of the coin comparing to their posed wedding photography.
到美國以後，2000年我搬了一次家，住隔壁的中國老兄是一位攝影發燒友。我看了他的照片，再聽他雲山霧罩地侃攝影器材，心中頓生羨慕。他說自然攝影中，自己不敢嚐的試攝影門類主要就是“打鳥”（拍攝飛鳥的行話）和拍微距。兩者的成功率都太低，對器材的要求也高，用膠卷拍攝成本吃不消，而且不能馬上看到照片以調整參數也是問題。我當然更是沒有嚐試的可能。但他的話確勾起了我的興趣。我知道如果不考慮限製因素，這兩類攝影應該是我特別喜歡的。我不喜歡拍攝肖像，我不是在這個類別上精益求精的人。我更不喜歡在街頭巷尾把鏡頭對著陌生的人抓拍。
After moving to the United States, I once changed residences in 2000, and the Chinese guy living next door was a photography enthusiast. Looking at his photos and listening to his fervent talk about equipment, I felt envious. He mentioned that in nature photography, the areas he dared not venture into were "birding " (the jargon for taking bird photography) and macro photography. Because the success rates for both were too low and the equipment requirements were also high, shooting with film was cost-prohibitive, and not being able to immediately see the photos to adjust parameters was also a problem. Of course, I had no capacity to try at that time either. But he did pique my interest. I knew that if not for these limiting factors, these two types of photography should be what I especially liked. I didn't like taking portraits; I'm not someone who excels in that category. I cannot point the lens at unfamiliar people for candid shots either.
2003年，佳能在世界上首先推出$1000的數字單反Canon 300D。我看了一下介紹和樣片，6.3 Mpix足以產生不亞於一般膠卷的畫質。於是我當機立斷，在ebay上賣掉了那套尼康係統，買了300D加kit鏡頭。數字相機沒有成本的拍攝為“打鳥”創造了條件。然而打鳥需要長鏡頭。我當時一個博士後，有家有口，不不太可能馬上再花幾千刀。於是就想找省錢又可以接受的辦法。然而在這個事情上，我是走了彎路的，直到2008年才正過來，具體細節就不細說了。恰好此時我在紐約州找到了工作，於是，在家人搬到紐約州之前，我很自由地獨自拍攝了3年，拍了至少5萬張照片，以打鳥為主。下麵是幾個例子：
In 2003, Canon was the first in the world to release a sub- $1000 digital SLR, the Canon 300D. After looking at the introduction and samples, the 6.3 megapixels were sufficient to produce image quality not inferior to regular film. So, I made a snap decision, sold that Nikon system on eBay, and bought the 300D with the kit lens. Digital cameras created conditions for "birding" without the cost of film. However, birding required long lenses. At that time, I was a postdoc with a family, and it wasn't feasible to spend several thousand dollars more immediately. So, I thought of finding a way to save money and still get acceptable results. However, in this matter, I took a detour and only realized the right path years later, but I won't go into details here. In 2008, I found a job in New York State. Before my family moved here, I freely shot for 3 years, taking at least 50,000 photos, mainly focusing on birding. Here are a few examples:
與此同時，我也添置了微距鏡頭和專用閃光燈，開始拍攝一些微距照片。我的家人從大學城搬過來之後，我每個周末整天出門就不太合適了。我記得2014年夏天的一個星期六，家中要請客。我一大早出門去拍攝燕鷗和shore birds，準備下午兩、三點往回趕。那天由於拍攝機會太好，我居然把事情完全給忘了。我老婆快7點打電話過來問，客人已經來了，你在哪兒？哈，我還在一個半小時車程以外的長島海灘上呢…… 於是，打鳥活動減少，微距攝影逐步增加。拍微距一般不需要去遠處的野地，去植物園、花園就可以了。比較小塊的時間，比如半天，也湊合。下麵是我拍攝的幾張微距照片：
At the same time, I also purchased macro lenses and a dedicated flash, starting to take some macro photos. After my family moved from the university town, it wasn't very suitable for me to go out all day every weekend. I remember one Saturday in the summer of 2014; we were hosting guests at home. I went out early in the morning to shoot terns and shore birds, planning to return around two or three in the afternoon. That day, because the shooting opportunities were extremely good, I completely forgot about the arrangement. My wife called and asked at 7 pm: 'The guests have arrived, where are you?' Haha, I was still on a Long Island beach about an hour and a half away... So, birding activities decreased, and macro photography gradually increased. Macro photography generally doesn't require going to distant wild areas; botanical gardens and flower gardens are sufficient. Short periods of time, like half a day, are also acceptable. Here are a few macro photos I took:
4.
攝影，對我來說不是光是“拍照片”。它遠不是按快門那麽簡單。它首先需要有一個心理的狀態和投入，然後才有器材和行程的準備，再有拍攝時的精心與合理，回家以後還要不受幹擾地對照片加以瀏覽和取舍，然後對選出的少量照片進行後期製作等等。在過去的幾年裏，因為兩個孩子上高中、申請大學等原因，導致我首先缺乏心理準備狀態，拍得越來越少了。家中的共識是，等2023年女兒去大學了，我就全麵恢複攝影。而且，鑒於近年mirrorless取代dSLR的大趨勢，以及它在連續對焦和機身防抖方麵的巨大優勢，我將投入1-2萬刀更新器材。我的同學、朋友也常開玩笑等待我“再造輝煌”呢。
Photography, for me, is not just about "taking pictures." It's not as simple as pressing the shutter. It first requires a psychological state and dedication, then preparation of equipment and itinerary, followed by careful and skillful shooting in the fields, evaluating and selecting photos without disturbance when back home, and post-processing of selected photos, and so on. In the past few years, due to reasons such as my two children entering high school and applying for college, I lacked the psychological preparedness, so I took fewer and fewer photos. I didn't necessarily do much, but it would be "politically" incorrect if I disappeared in weekends and holidays during the past several years. The consensus at home was that, when our daughter goes to college in 2023, I would fully resume photography. Moreover, given the recent trend of mirrorless cameras replacing DSLRs and their significant advantages in continuous autofocus and in-body stabilization, I would invest 10-20 thousand dollars to update my equipment. My friends often jokingly wait for me to "make a grand comeback."
然而，世上的事情有時會節外生枝。有時仿佛有一隻看不見的手影響著事物的走向。我來文學城多年，原先用另外一個網名，喜歡在“交點新聞”和某些欄目中發評論，經常@#￥%與某些人吵得不可開交。幾年下來，覺得雞同鴨講實在沒什麽意思。小時候其實就明白，人不能被壓服；長大以後更明白，人其實也不能被說服。於是就決定不再囉嗦，進而有了開辟自己的園地的想法。由於唐宋詩詞之美和對它們的興趣，博客一開始的考慮是係統研讀和和欣賞唐詩宋詞。作為一個在公司裏上班的理科生，這個工程其實是有些過於龐大了。特別是有很多地方我不想人雲亦雲或蒙混過關，思考和查詢就特別費時間。此外，詩詞這種“小眾”的東西，我花那麽多精力，也隻有很少的人感興趣，認真去讀。我有時自嘲，自問冥冥之中有什麽力量使得我去費這傻勁。
However, things in the world sometimes take unexpected turns. Sometimes, it seems like there is an invisible hand influencing the course of events. I have been on WXC for years, originally using another username, enjoying commenting on "News and focus" and certain columns. I often argued vehemently with some people. Over the years, I felt the arguments with incompatible views was not meaningful. I had understood as a child that people cannot be coerced; as I grew older, I understood later that people cannot be persuaded, too. So, I decided not to be verbose anymore and then came up with the idea of creating my own space. Due to the beauty of Tang and Song poetry and my interest in them, the initial consideration for the blog was to systematically study and appreciate Tang and Song poems. As a scientist, this project was actually a bit too ambitious for several means. in studying ancient poetry, I don't want to go along with the literature or just pass through. Thus, thinking and researching take a lot of time. Even though this "niche" thing required a lot of effort, not many people were genuinely interested and willing to read carefully. Sometimes I mock myself, asking what force in the depths of fate made me go through this trouble.
這還不算。因為有了自己的園地，一段時間以後，就想著“種”點別的。於是博客中加入了分析、評論、回憶、科普等文章。從點擊率來看，這些文章反倒是“大眾”，網友也給予諸多好評，鼓勵我多多寫下去。這樣，時間的矛盾愈發突出。無論如何，我也無法將博客與攝影兼顧了。攝影我已經做了20餘年，知道了其中的基本門道，那就暫時放一放吧。但心中也真是不舍的。兩個月前我寫了一首小詩《糾結》，反映了這種心情：https://blog.wenxuecity.com/myblog/80301/202310/4466.html
That's not all. Because I had my own blog, after a while, I thought about writing something else. So, I added analysis, commentary, reminiscence, popular science, and other articles to the blog. From the click-through rates, these articles turned out to be much more "popular," and netizens gave many positive reviews, encouraging me to continue writing. In this way, the contradiction of time became even more pronounced. In any case, I couldn't balance the blog (mostly studying antient poetry) and photography. I have been doing photography for more than 20 years, understood the basics, so let's put it on hold for now. But in my heart, I truly feel reluctant. Two months ago, I wrote a small poem, "Dilemma," reflecting this mood: [website]
5.
從15年前開始，每年我都用我的自己拍攝的照片，為親朋好友做一個年曆，這是我每個年末的“保留節目”。這個年曆是實用的，每一天的空白處可以加注、寫字。其實，我照片的存貨多得是，即便我不再拍一張照片，這種日曆做到我死也沒有問題。但是最近幾年來一直多用“存貨”，我感覺不好。於是，就在前幾天給朋友的聖誕祝賀中，我告訴朋友們，今年這可能是最後一次了。我開始了一項新的個人計劃。極其花費時間，我需要專心致誌。我希望將來有一天再恢複攝影。
Starting from 15 years ago, every year I use my own photos to create a calendar for family and friends. This calendar is practical, with space for notes or writing on each day. I have plenty of inventory of my photos. Even if I don't take another photo, making this kind of calendar until I die would not be a problem. But in recent years, I have been using old "inventory" a lot, and it doesn't feel right. So, just a few days ago, in the Christmas greetings to friends, I told them that this year might be the last time. I have started a new personal plan. It takes an extreme amount of time, and I need to focus. I hope that I can resume photography one day in the future.
人的生命總是單向往前的。所以未來不管是否再拿起相機，都不會是過去的重複。它究竟怎樣，我又是不知道的，讓未來自然展開吧。我知道的是，我得跟的過去的一章告個別，開始新的一章……填小詞【搗練子令】一首（平水韻七陽）：
Life always moves forward unidirectionally. So, whether I pick up the camera again in the future or not, it won't be a repetition of the past. What it will be like exactly, I don't know. Let the future unfold itself. What I do know is that for now I need to bid farewell to one chapter and start a new one now... Here is a small poem I just wrote to express my thought:
飛鳥在，角弓藏，
滿目青山麵夕陽。
百味人生多采擷，
靜觀世道湧蒼黃。
Flying birds present, yet the bow is hidden,
I look at the green mountains and face the sun sets.
Can life be more flavored only to grasp and enlighten,
Just calmly observe as the world's tides make their bets.
[Edited from ChatGPT translation.]
