#1
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
#2
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
#3
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
#4
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
#5
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
#6
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
#7
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
#8
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
#9
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
#10
LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
WITNESS: No.
#11
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
#12
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
#13
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
#14
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
#15
LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
WITNESS: Yes sir.
LAWYER: Before or after he died?
#16
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
#17
LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
#18
LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.
LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?
WITNESS: Attached to the ears
#19
LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS: Not yet.
#20
LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?
#21
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
#22
LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS: I could see his head.
LAWYER: And where was his head?
WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.
#23
LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
#24
LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
LAWYER: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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