你的譯文:
The marching crowd somehow slowed down. I saw a long beard Santa Claus in his red suit and red hat with white fuzz. He waved to the crowd while handing over coupons to them.
這個老美的英文:
The crowd seemed to part and slow just enough to see a Santa Claus with a long white beard. He had a beautiful red suit and really looked the part. He waved to the shoppers while handing out coupons.
先來看看你的譯文有什麽他/她覺得不對的地方:
1. 在他/她看來,marching crowd搭配不對。crowd一般是在原地的,如果很多人marching, 那就是parade或者procession。再者,既然你是在人群 march後看到聖誕老人的,那人群起初一定是擋住了你對聖誕老人的視線。所以他/她說:The crowd seemed to part and slow(人群慢慢地分開了)。慢慢分開後,你就可以看到聖誕老人了。
2. 他認為對於聖誕老人的胡子來說,white 跟 long一樣重要, 但把long 和white 放一起,定語太長,所以要後置,說成:a Santa Claus with a long white beard
4. 兩個red有點累贅,所以他/她說He had a beautiful red suit。
5. 他完全不能理解什麽是with white fuzz,所以就用了一個看似合理的說法:really looked the part。
6. He waved to the crowd這一節他更不理解了,為什麽要向遊行隊伍發coupon呢?所以他/她說He waved to the shoppers while handing out coupons。
很忙,隨便說兩句。