College Essay 係列 (二十五)：Hardly Essay (1) 普林斯頓WL文書

韓裔女生的《Art, My Identity》普林斯頓WL文書

(1)

Hiss! Beep! Honk!

The enormous moving truck noisily backed out of our narrow street in Seoul, holding what seemed like my entire life. I was 5, clutching my parents' hands so tightly that they were practically turning purple, anticipating my family's new start in New Zealand. I said my goodbyes to the tall urban landscapes of Korea and welcomed the rural bat breeze.

In New Zealand, while other kids were learning sentences, I was struggling with ABCs. It's like being a newborn, the wisdom nurtured over 5 years reduced to zero. The language barrier loomed over me like colossal alphabet blocks.

(2)

While English initially posed as a burden, the language of art always came naturally. Art was more like Korean to me: rooted deep in my identity; constant in my life despite the many changes. The boxes of sketchbooks were taken with us every time we loaded the moving trucks.

My creation reflected the ever changing diversity of people and thoughts I was exposed to: “art imitates life.”

(3)

From New Zealand, we relocated to The States, from Georgia to North Carolina, to Maryland. In Maryland where I spent the last several years, I recognize the benefits and necessity of a multicultural community.

The 5 on my jersey tags me on the lacrosse field. And despite the sports white and elitists' stereotypes, out team embodies many different ethnicities, identities, and personalities, an orchestra composed of different instruments to create a harmonious sound—the ball hist the net with a satisfying “WAP!”

Of course, it's crucial in the classrooms too; Socratic seminars foster discussions (and debates) – and while we strive to find common ground, unique perspectives are valued and celebrated. There is space for salad bowls and melting pots on the table.

(4)

Over the years, my breath of art expanded and so did the subjects of my work. My limited reference pictures, solely featuring Eurocentric models transitioned into a wider variety of women. Intensely crafting figures who looked like me, and people I knew, deepened my sense of self awareness, allowing me to embrace my individuality.

My art and I, we have a form of mutualism, but it has taught me more than I have given. “Life imitates art far more than art imitates life.”

(5)

Ironically, my challenges became my greatest sources of strengths. I am motivated by my parents' sacrifices which grant me opportunities and life in America. Although it was a source of pressure at times, it allowed mt to persevere and grow through hardships because I knew any of my successes would not be mien alone, but my family's.

Moving had its up and downs, but my parents held my hand through every accomplishment and disappointment. Looking back, moving was truly a blessing in disguise. Despite my brief stays, I quickly developed a knack for making friends, and grew stronger appreciation for companionship.

Through long hours in planes and car sickness, I discovered completely different worlds, separated by a mile or thousands. I learnt to cherish the ride, which makes me exuberant for my next move- to college, which will be my 5th, and definitely not the last, move.

 

先說好聽的。

這篇文書文字上乘。從欣賞的角度去讀，我很喜歡讀這篇文章。在為數不多的hardly essay中，這篇是個非常好的樣本。

任何讀了這篇的人，都會感覺到作者流暢語言駕馭能力。小時候的搬遷和移民經曆，這在大多數的AO們身上都會發生共鳴。作者借landscape、breeze來比喻自己身處的環境，以clutch、loom來象聲性地形容經曆的action。這顯示出作者對幼時故事，不是有深切的感受，就一定是有過反複地推敲。

從（2）部分開始，故事的主題Art imitates life被呈現出來，並在（4）部分的結尾升華到Life imitates art。這一對sounds paradoxical 的 duo，使得文章增色。最後Life的成分重重地落在diversity 和 making friends上，並把這個價值投射到未來College時，AO讀者會感到的就是作者對多元校園的憧憬了。

你們也感到這篇寫的好了吧？但是，她隻拿到普林的WL，你可能覺得她有其他原因的。但是我們仔細想想，一份申請就隻包括硬指標（成績、分數、獎項）和軟指標（活動、文書、推薦）。一個申請被拒，隻能是硬指標不達標。

被WL的人，一定是硬指標達標的人很多，你的軟指標不夠，AO還不夠喜歡你。這個喜歡，就是文書。因為AO花在你這份申請上的時間裏，有10%在硬指標+活動和推薦上，50-70%在文書這項軟指標上，還有20-40% 在committee discussion上。喜不喜歡你是情感不是邏輯，影響它隻能是軟指標文書。

作為普林申請文書，這篇主要的失處，在於其故事主題的不突出性上。作者從小做的immigrant經曆，不斷搬遷中定位自身 identity的過程。這個主題，在美國的大學申請人中很普遍地被用到。從AO的角度看，你可能需要更進一步的經曆去證明你身上具有的錄取價值。

在大學招生的主訴價值中，作者完全可以尋找得到可以加入的元素。比如Creativity、Leadership、 Altruism，或者更潮一些的Social Justice和 Equality，這些都是那些Top Campus裏現在最崇尚的價值觀。你要想獲得入門票，你就要突出自身已經具有的這些素質。

有人說沒這篇裏的Diversity，不就是很好的多元價值嗎？可你想想，Diversity是價值，那是什麽時候開始的事兒了呢。80-90年代我們從中國申請美國學校的時候，Diversity就被做成高尚的價值寫在PS裏了吧。Diversity之下，我們還一起追求過teamwork和compromise呢，記得嗎？到了現在的2020s年代，Diversity已是公認的社會標準，甚至是政治正確了，還有誰拿它來代表優秀呢？

沒有Creativity、Leadership、Altruism、Social Justice和 Equality這些合乎時宜的價值成分，這篇文書就不足以打動那位普林的AO。但本文申請者的經曆中，當然有且富有這些價值元素。這就是本文作者被WL後又被錄取的理由。

好吧，說完這些讓人感覺到有點文書新八股意味的價值，我們再來回顧一下這篇的純文字。一篇好的開頭，並不保證全篇好的文字。這篇從（2）部分開始，遣詞造句就開始出現了拙手。恰當的比喻和象聲性詞匯的密度，減少到（1）的1/3的程度。這說明除了開頭部分，後麵（2）-（5）的四部分越來越是不經推敲的文字。

誰的文書不是寫過好幾版的開頭？大多數文書，都是在開頭改了又改之後，故事才寫得下去，最後寫完的。如果誰的文書是一氣嗬成的，那他大概率是在湊合事兒。