入鄉隨俗
大熔爐，沙拉盆，還是海納百川更好
青春美麗，陽光燦爛, 我為什麽想自殺？（2）
Young and pretty, sunny and bright, why did I want to commit suicide?
感謝各位朋友在前一篇留言。這個話題不容易寫，誠惶誠恐，生怕言不達意，寫偏了。你們的feedback給了我一個糾正的機會，非常感激大家的幫助。請要轉帖的朋友原諒，容我把這個係列完成之後再轉。
博文自薦：青春美麗，陽光燦爛, 我為什麽想自殺？（1）
http://blog.wenxuecity.com/myblog/71936/201703/29761.html?
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第一篇我沒說清楚，抑鬱症的感覺和不堪重壓的感受是不一樣的。有一年我特別背運，至親家人們厄運連連，我自己摔斷了骨頭。我心裏沒底，不知能否應付生活的難題，更害怕機運繼續惡化，擔心命運繼續地不時給我再來狠狠的一擊。那一年我先生被裁員，我自己的工作向新的方向發展。 秋天大女兒又離家去外州上大學了。女兒跳級的，年齡小，做母親的牽腸掛肚是必然的。
In the previous post, I did not clearly state that, depressed feeling is different from the feeling of weighing down by stress factors. There was a year during which I had some really awful luck. My family members had one terrible thing happen to them right after another. I fell and broke a bone. I did not have any confidence in myself to deal with these challenges in life. I was angry at the fate and scared that things will keep getting worst. That year my husband were laid off from his job, I myself had additional challenges at work as the company I worked at was heading in a new direction. My eldest daughter left home for college in the fall. She was very young as she had skipped a grade. Being a mother, I was very worried about her being so far away and amongst the elder college crowd.
吐這麽多苦水隻是想說明，壓力和抑鬱是完全不同的感受。那年隻感到不負重壓，沒有年輕時那樣的抑鬱感受。到了年底我特別盼望新年的到來，迷信的期望新的一年時來運轉。那一年我遇到很多困難，但沒有抑鬱的絕望。 解決了問題， 壓力就減輕了。
These complaints about my difficulties that year was really to show that, stress and depression feels completely different. During that year, I was stressed out a lot. But I did not feel depressed. Towards the end of that year, I was especially looking forward to a new year, hoping the new year will bring me better luck. Even though that year was very difficult for me, I did not fell into despair. Stress is relieved once problems are resolved.
抑鬱是內心的感受，壓抑，悲涼，空虛，無望，黑暗，不依外界的情況而變。回頭看來，年輕時的那段經曆是叫作 major depressive episode.，屬於clinical depression 一類, 很危險。這和承受外界壓力的感覺不一樣，也和平時的不開心不愉快不是一回事。
But depression is a feeling coming from inside: sadness, emptiness, despair, and darkness. These feelings do not change according to outside factors. Looking back, the experience of my youth is called major depressive episode, belong to the clinical depression category. These often have physiological reasons and could be dangous if left untreated. This depressed feeling is not the same as being pressured by some external factors, nor is it the same as simply being unhappy about something.
從我自己的經曆可以看出，外界的壓力是對抑鬱症有影響的。我當小留學生的時候，中國剛剛開放不久。從封閉的國家來，對自由世界一無所知。小時候受的共產黨教育無用不說，連自以為強項的數學，到了大學高年級拚不過美國本土的學生。生活，學業的壓力都很大，但這是不是我抑鬱到想自殺的原因呢？不能說完全沒影響，但我從抑鬱中走出來的時候，這些壓力都還在，還有更多的壓力，所以我抑鬱到想自殺一定還有別的原因。
It can be observed from my own experience that external pressure has an influence on depression. When I was a young foreign student, China just started to open to the west. Coming from a tightly sealed country, I knew nothing about the free world. Not only the communism education I received in grade school was useless, even math which I thought was my strong point, I could not compete against the American students in high level college classes. There were a lot of pressure from daily life and academics. But were these the reason for my depression which brought me to the point of contemplating suicide? I can not say these factors have no bearing on my depression. But when I came out the depression, these pressures were still there. Furthermore, there was the additional pressures. Therefore, there must be other factors lead me to contemplate taking my own life.
已經有很多研究成果顯示壓力過重是對健康不利的。身體健康和心理健康是相鋪相成的。身患重病，即使保持著樂觀的心態，內心也是有壓力的。反之，心理疾病長久不治也會引發身體健康問題，也很可能心理疾病本來就是生理問題引起的。
There are already a lot of research showing that excessive stress is not good for health. Healthy mind and body are interrelated. Severe physical illness, however an optimistic view, there are stress from within. On the flip side, mental health issue may lead to physical illness if left untreated for a long time. It could also be that mental health problems were the result of physical illness in the first place.
那麽是不是減輕壓力就可以解決青少年心理疾病這個問題呢？近來不少文章批評中式教育方式，認為華裔父母望子成龍造成的壓力是青少年心理疾病的主要原因。那我就舉幾個例子來說明心理疾病嚴重到自殺的並不隻限於華人，也不隻限於來自父母的壓力。我在美國比在中國生活時間長，我認識的美國人肯定也比認識的中國人多。所以我這幾個例子都是美國人。
Is it true then, this problem of youth mental health can be resolved by relieving pressure on our youth? There are a lot of criticism of the Chinese education style for putting too much pressure on our youth. Many people believe that the unrealistic expectation of Chinese parents are the chief reason leading to youth mental issues.
Then, let me give a few examples to show that severe case of mental sickness resulting in suicides are not limited to Chinese, and neither are they limited to pressure from parents. I have lived longer in the United States than in China by now. I also know more Americans than Chinese (including Chinese Americans). My examples are all Americans.
第一位自殺者我不認識，也沒見過。他的祖父是我公司老板幾十年的朋友，非常寬厚的老人，平易近人。他與我們公司有業務往來，我常見到他，還常在一起吃午餐。他孫子自殺的事是他親口對我說的。我聽到鄰居孩子自殺的消息，非常震驚。這位老人說出了他家的事來安撫並開導我。
The first one who committed suicide, I did not know him personality. Never met him His grandfather is a friend of the owner of the company I worked at. They have been friends for many years. He is very easy going and gentle. He has business dealing with our company. I see him often and have lunch with him every now and then. The grandson’s suicide is something he told me himself. When I heard the news that my neighbor’s boy committed suicide, I was shocked. So the old man told me his family’s story to calm me down.
這個孫子是他養大的，媽媽(老人的女兒)很早就因車禍過世了。孫子不愛讀書，吃喝玩樂會享受。長大懂事了幫著祖父的生意，大多是戶外的建築工程項目。新婚不到一年就自殺了，陽光的白人青年，春風得意的時候就這麽走了。
The grandson was raised by this old gentleman himself. The mother, old man’s daughter, was killed in an car accident long time ago. The grandson did not do well in school. He liked to party. But he grew up eventually and started to help in his grandfather’s business, mostly outdoor construction projects. He committed suicide less than a year after getting married. Sunny white male, gone from this world at a time when his life was finally getting on track.
第二位自殺的我也不認識，是同事的女兒，也是白人。二十四歲，她母親也是自殺身亡的。我隻知道這些。這位同事和我不熟，隻知道他很和善，不是虎爸。
Neither do I know this second one who committed suicide. She was a daughter of my colleague, also white. Twenty four years old. Her mother had committed suicide some years before. That is all I know about her. I am not close to this colleague. But I know he is very nice, not a strict “tiger dad”.
第三位是我多年的同事，沒有自殺，但有一陣憂鬱症非常嚴重。剛認識那年他十九歲，做技工的白人，長得高大帥氣，性格陽光開朗。我孩子小的時候停了幾年工作，重回公司的時候發現這人完全變了，說話惡聲惡氣的。我們隻是同事不是朋友，並不想探他的私事。但共事多年多的同事，關心一下也是應該的。所以當我忍不住問了他，他也沒生我的氣，也沒隱瞞 。他和妻子正鬧離婚，身體也出了大毛病。但幸運的是，他的家庭醫生讓他去心理醫生那裏開了藥，現在精神狀況明顯好了很多。
The third one is a colleague of mine for many years. He did not commit suicide. But he was suffering from severe depression for a time. When I first met him, he was nineteen years old, tall and handsome, with a sunny and sweet disposition. When my kids were young, I took a leave of absence from work for a few years. When I returned, I found him to be completely different from the man I used to know. Conversation with him was very unpleasant. He was mean. As a colleague but not really friends, I did not want to pry on his privacy. But we worked together for many years, it was nature for me to be concerned about his well being. When I finally had an opportunity to ask what happen to him, he did not get mad at me, neither did he hide his problem. He was going through a divorce. Also he was having a major health problem. Fortunately, his family doctor referred him to a psychologist who put him on medication. His temperament is more pleasant now and is obviously doing better.
第四位是個十七歲的男孩，白人，我們小區的鄰居。學業不錯，踢足球的帥哥，美國公立高中裏很受歡迎的那種。車庫裏一根繩子上吊了，多麽年輕的生命! 追思會去了一千多人，有同學，老師，朋友，鄰居。他的父母把他的一個器官捐了，還以他的名字設立了基金會，作為獎學金發給我們學區的孩子。社區有很多善良的的人，基金會收到不少捐款，第一年就從基金裏拿出利息頒發了三個二千元的獎學金給應屆畢業生。他的父母努力地將他短暫的生命發揮出社會意義，但他們家人的痛苦隻有自己來承受。這男孩走後他家馬上搬了出去，不能再繼續直接麵對這個疤痕。房子空著，很多年賣不出去。
The fourth one is a seventeen year old boy, white, a neighbor in my subdivision. He excelled at academics, also was a soccer player。A popular all American high school boy. Hang by a rope in the family garage, a young life was gone! There were over a thousand people showed up at his memorial service, students and teachers from school, friends, relatives and neighbors, all sadden by the loss of this promising young man. His parents donated one of his organs, and set up a foundation in his name. The foundation took the donation from the community and awarded scholarships to the children of our school. His parents tried hard to make his brief life on earth meaningful to the society. But the pain and loss they had to bear by themself. They moved out of the house shortly after funeral. They could not face the scare every day. The empty house sat on the market many years unsold.
從這些例子中我們可以看到抑鬱症不限於華人，也不見得是中式高壓教育和人生中的不如意所導致的。抑鬱症是心理疾病的一種。我不是醫生，沒有資格寫抑鬱症的診斷和治療。但我要指出的是，患上心理疾病但自己不知道，不治療，是無益於早日康複的。
From these examples we can see that depression is not limited to Chinese. Also, it is not necessarily result of Chinese style high pressure education, nor unfortunate circumstance in life. Depression is a type of mental illness. I am not a doctor. I am not qualified to write about the diagnosis and treatment of depression. But I wanted to point out that, if the mental illness patients and their family are not aware of and not seeking treatment, quick recovery is unlikely.
年輕人，情緒波動大，是抑鬱症發病最高的時期。我上麵四個抑鬱症例子裏三個嚴重到自殺的都是年輕人。其實，我當小留時的壓力不小，但也不及後來生活所帶來的壓力。人到中年，上有父母，下有孩子，承擔著家庭和工作的重任。所不同的是，少了青春期荷爾蒙的影響，抑鬱症的症狀沒這麽嚴重。
Young people tend to have large mood swings. This period in life has the highest incidents of depression. In three of four examples above, the severe cases of depressions resulting in suicide were all young people. Actually, even though I was under quite a bit of pressure while a young foreign students, the pressure later in life were not a bit less. People at middle age, sandwiched between elderly parents and young children, have a lot of responsibility for family and work. The difference being, without the influence of youth hormonal changes, the symptoms of depression were not as severe.
改進教育方法，減輕青少年的壓力當然是明智的提議。我舉這些例子不過是想提醒華人父母不要掉以輕心。外界的壓力不是導致看少年憂鬱症的全部因素，不要以為改進了教育方式孩子就不會有心理疾病。當孩子有憂鬱症的時候，也不見得減輕了壓力病就自然好了。
Improving education method, reducing pressure on the youth is a smart thing to do of course. I was just using these examples to remind Chinese parents not to take it lightly. Outside pressure is not the only factor leading to youth depression. Never to believe that your child will not be at risk for mental illness because educational method has been improved. When a child is depressed, it is not necessarily true that the malaise will be gone when stress factors are removed.
每次有一個華裔孩子自殺的消息，文學城裏一片嘩然，尤其一個優秀的孩子自殺的時候。很多人說多麽幸運多麽優秀的孩子，抗不住壓力多麽可惜。事實可能是那個孩子的死因和外在的壓力，境遇和個人成就並沒關係。
Every time there is news of suicide involving a Chinese youth, you can hear a loud sigh on Wenxuecity, especially when it involves a Chinese youth who excelled. Many people lament the waste of these youth’s potential, being so lucky and outstanding. The reality may be that the reason for these suicide have no relationship with outside pressure, situation or personal achievement.
呼籲父母不要不顧實際地強推孩子成龍成鳳當然不錯。但壓力並不是全部來自父母。很多孩子，特別是優秀的孩子，更會給自己增加壓力。追求完美，心高誌遠是很多優秀孩子的共同特征，但不是所有的孩子都有心理疾病。有些孩子陽光外向，有些內向，有些孩子把眼淚藏在陽光的笑臉後麵。
Of course, it is not wrong to ask parents not to push children beyond realistic limits. But pressure not only come from parents. Many children, especially children who excel, tend to put pressure on themselves. Perfectionism, high expectations are pressures ambitious youth put on themselves. But not all the youth suffer from mental illness. Some kids are sunny and outgoing, some are introverts, others hide their tears behind sunny smiles.
藤校一個校園裏有個臭名昭著的”自殺橋”。我去過那個學校。崇山峻嶺之間，深穀之上，短短的一座橋。選這個地方縱身一跳，把屍身留在美麗的山間，這些孩子是不是對這世界還有所眷戀？有誰知道那些孩子們的壓力來自父母，還是來自他們自己？又有誰能說他們跳下去是因為不能承受壓力，還是不能承受心中那悲哀的痛苦？
There is an infamous suicide bridge on an ivy league college campus. I visited that school a while ago. In the mountains, over a gorge, a short pedestrian bridge. Choosing this place to jump, and leaving the body in a beautiful ravine, maybe these kids still have something to live for in this world? Who knows if their pressure come from their parents or from inside themselves? Who can say for sure that they jumped because they could not take the pressure, or because they could not take the pain from the sadness in their hearts?
沒患過癌症的不會感受到絕症的痛苦，但都知道這病的曆害。沒患過心理疾病的，不僅不懂患者的痛苦，更不可能對這病的危害有感性的認識。這個病，也是會致命的。不懂這病的起因，怎麽會知道怎樣預防？ 不知道這是個病，怎麽會想到去尋求治療？
Not having been stricken by cancer, one can not feel the pain of terminal illness. But everyone knows the seriousness of this disease. Not sicken by mental illness, one not only does not understand the patient’s pain, but also does not know how dangerous it could be. This disease can also result in loss of life. Not understanding the cause of this illness, how can we talk about prevention? Not knowing this is a real illness, why would anyone think about seeking treatment?
我不是專業的醫療人士，自己得過抑鬱症也沒下多些功夫去仔細研究過這方麵的問題。我所知道的隻是心理疾病，很多是有生理原因的。而目壓力並不是引起青少年抑鬱症的唯一原因。我寫這篇文章的目的是想讓華裔家長們來關注青少年心理疾病這個話題，共同探討心理疾病的起因，診斷和治療。
I am not a healthcare professional. I did not spend a lot of time research this area even though I experienced serious episode of depression. I only know that many mental illness have physiological reasons. With advance in medical science, there are medications nowadays to treat mental illness, including depression. The purpose of this paper is simply to promote the awareness of mental health issue in the Chinese community. I hope to remind Chinese parents to look at both internal and external factors causing mental health issues, and to seeking better understanding of diagnosis and treatment.
不少華裔家長為孩子上頂尖名校做了不少功課，課程的要求，考試標準，社會活動，藝術和體育特長的發展，說起來頭頭是道。可是有幾位家長學習了青少年心理鋪導？
Many Chinese parents did a lot of homework in order to help their kids get into good colleges. Required classes, standards on tests, community services, arts and sports development, they can talk about these topics in details. But I wonder how many parents actually spend any time studying youth mental health counselling?
期望孩子成龍成鳳並沒有錯。誰不希望孩子有出息? 把自立於社會當做培養孩子的目標，這是稱職的父母應該做的。對孩子高標準，嚴要求，這也是負責任的父母應該做的. 隻要這些標準和要求,是按著孩子的實際能力來設置的。但優異的學業，機智的處事能力，沒有強壯的身體，健康的心態也是枉然。
Expectation of excellence for children is not wrong in by itself. Who would not expect their own kids to be successful? Raising children with their independence as ultimate goal, this is something all the good parents should do. Setting high standards and enforcing strict discipline, these are also marks of responsible parents, as long as the standards and requirements are set based on child’s actual abilities. But excellent academics and good organizational skills, without strong body and healthy mind, all will come to naught.
致於是不是脆弱敏感的個性和心理疾病有關聯，下一篇再討論。
As to whether there is any correlation between fragile, sensitive character traits and mental illness, I will explore further in the next post of this series.
(未完待續)
(To be continued)
蓮盆籽
二0一七年三日二十八日
*********翻印轉裁, 務必請等這個係列寫完之後。無償轉載，但必須先經我允許。轉裁前請以悄悄話和我聯係。*********
冬日好，我夏天讀完了你女兒的書寫感想幾次開了頭又放下了。看過她的interview，很感動。
Jennifer的文筆優美流暢，非常喜歡。
很高興看到噢顏顏來訪！
有朋友向我推苻你的博客，還沒有機會慢慢去讀。
問好！
謝謝北美大一叔肯定並鼓勵！
謝謝茵茵碼了許多字，兩篇！
前兩個我不認識，不知道你猜的對不對。
第三個同事其實是我們老板關愛的。這個帥哥以前是老板愛將，犯病時那個渾啊！老板口沒遮掩，不滿意時什麽髒的臭的都罵。我一直奇怪為什麽老板那時不罵他。問了帥哥才知道老板念他生病，照應他。人性善惡，中西都一樣，表現方式不一樣而己。
第四個男孩家是老鄰居，父母肯定愛他的。一千多人的追思會這兒很少見，可見他和家人人緣多好。
父母愛肯定重要，但到底有多大作用我還是不能確定。
謝謝臘梅分享你的感受！
經曆過的說出來，讓那些正在掙紮中的看到希望，這也是一種關愛吧。
謝謝Sharon參加討論，肯定我的感覺！
荔枝這個例子有意義。
很多人分不清correlation and causation是不同的概念。起因很複雜，現代科學還不成熟。做這方麵研究的反而不敢輕易下結論，要用很多qualifies。
謝謝菲兒關注！
看來你們那兒環境不錯，大家能夠一起討論，病人在積極治療。
梅姐說得是，這兩個是不樣的感覺。不大容易說清楚，經過就知道，unfortunately!
謝謝梅姐證實了我的感覺！
寫寫說得對，孩子大了也是要關愛的。不過大孩子的空間要多給一些。
謝謝寫寫補充！
謝謝臘月寒梅補充！
還是你寫得清楚，我直接搬進博文引用了。
謝謝梅華關注並鼓勵！
身心健康，有抱負有追求的會有充實感。迫於生活而忙忙碌綠的反而壓力大。
很羨慕思韻你的文筆，能準確地分析和描述你的感受。
我寫不好，隻有象你這樣用心來讀的，才感受得到那種沉重的心情。
謝謝思韻陪我一起回顧一段不堪回首的經曆！
亮媽讀了好多書啊！
同一個人，在不同年齡段，對同樣的事，心理和生理的反應都會不樣。
道理可以說給年輕人聽，但很多還是不撞南牆不回頭。這是我撞到頭破血流後悟出來的，哈哈。
第一個：結婚一年自殺，是否婚姻出了問題？從小失去母親，應有精神黑洞。因此現在有條件的外國人到成年後會找心理醫生協助他整理過往，象體檢一樣。
第二個：24歲的年輕女孩，母親自殺的巨大陰影，即使不是遺傳基因，也有情緒傳染的負麵影響力。前兩個都有母親缺位的問題，應早看心理醫生預防和調整。
第三個：離婚患抑鬱症、躁鬱症、甚至殺人的都有，因此我周圍的老外一離婚都去看心理醫生，及時治療。很感動蓮子對他人的關心超過維持自我形象，他那個時候需要有人關注和疏導，也許你這番友善就讓他拐過一個死角呢。
第四個：寂寞的十七歲，脆弱得有時一點小事就過不去了，甚至隻是一念之差。我周圍兩個老外自殺的例子都是十七歲的男孩，好像都和失戀有關。我先生同事的孩子跳樓，他父母離婚，父親長期缺位，盡管愛他，可不在身邊又怎樣。另一個是鄰居的瑞士親戚，在家中自己房間上吊，葬禮在教堂舉行，也是來了好多人，鄰居全家都趕去了。後來聽他們說，親戚家兩個男孩，出事的老大從小就敏感陰鬱，老二則從小就陽光，他們擔心此事對小弟弟的不良影響。
我想起挪威那個在島上大開殺戒者，也是父親常年住在法國，屬於父母有一方常年缺席造成心態失衡。
茵茵，麻煩你把留言再寫一遍帖出來。MS Word寫了再copy 過來。不知文學城又出了什麽問題，我的一個留言也崩沒了:(
敬佩你的學識，很想聽你的意見。謝謝！
“事實可能是那個孩子的死因和外在的壓力，境遇和個人成就並沒關係。” 我比較偏向於你這句話。
謝謝連連係列分享，身邊有很多的人有這個問題。
從你的描述看，我沒有經曆過那種心靈的黑暗和無助。我所有的低落僅僅是路不順了以後的自我懷疑和憤世疾俗，而不是抑鬱。我總覺得我是外向的，是真正的無偽，也很會流淚。我不會是表麵微笑著，心裏已經絕望的人。我始終表裏如一。這是不是心理健康的原因，我不知道。
我最感動的是蓮蓮說是父母的愛讓你珍惜生命。我也是父母的愛給了自己克服困難的勇氣。很期待你的下篇，因為我自認為挺多愁善感的。