入鄉隨俗
大熔爐，沙拉盆，還是海納百川更好
青春美麗，陽光燦爛, 我為什麽想自殺？ (1)
Young and pretty, sunny and bright, why did I want to commit suicide?
青春美麗，陽光燦爛，我毫不謙虛的用這幾個字來描述我博客頭像裏那個女孩，是想利用這個題目把你吸引進來。美貌也是資源，不好好利用對不起父母。但願成功地把你吸引進來後，我的文字能吸引你把這篇讀完。我希望引起華人父母對青少年心理疾病問題的關注。心理疾病當然不隻限於華裔青少年，但這是華人父母的一個盲點。華人群體缺少這方麵的知識， 而這個問題在華裔孩子中相當嚴重。
Young and pretty, sunny and bright, using these words to describe the headshot for my blog，without any customary modesty, I hope the title will attract your attention. Beauty is a resource. Not properly utilizing it is a disservice to my parents who gave it to me. Hopefully, after getting you to click on this blog post, my words will hold your attention to the end. I hope to get Chinese parents to face the problem of youth mental health issues directly. Mental illness problem is certainly not limited to Chinese youth. But this issue is often a blind spot for Chinese parents. And this problem is quite prevalent in Chinese youth.
前一陣一個二十歲的小留學生自殺後，文學城的論壇和博客裏有不少抑鬱症這個話題的討論。有些提倡正麵的疏導，有些主張避免過早地讓孩子麵對人生的挑戰，有些批評中式教育對青少年的壓力太大。關注華裔青少年的心理健康，這些文章都起了積極的作用。這些討論的側重點多是外在壓力對青少年心理健康的影響。其實外在壓力隻是引發青少年心理疾病的一個因素。這是一個重要的因素，但若隻有這一方麵的討論，末免使人覺得這個問題很容易解決， 隻要減壓就行了。所以我也來說說自己二十歲時的經曆。從另一個角度，來補充討論這個問題，增進華人群體對青少年心理健康問題的了解。
A few weeks ago, a twenty year old student from China committed suicide. There were a lot of discussions on depression on Chinese language forums and blogs. Some promoted proactive dialog with kids. Others stated that it is important to avoid letting children take on life’s challenges too early. Still others criticized the excess pressure Chinese style education placed on the youth. These blogs and discussions were all positive effort for bring attention to mental health problems among Chinese youth.
The focus of the these discussions were mostly about the effect of external pressure on the mental health of the youth. Actually, external pressure is only one factor of the youth mental illness. It is an important factor. But if discussions were mostly limited to this one factor, it may lead people to believe that the problem is easy to solve. All we have to do is to reduce pressure on our youth.
Therefore, I am going to speak about my own experience as a twenty year old youth. From another angle supplement the discussion on this topic, thereby advance the understanding of the mental issue in the Chinese community.
我一直關心抑鬱症這個話題，因為我年輕時曾經掙紮了幾個月，想自殺。就是在拍了這張陽光燦爛的照片後不久的事。雖然我幸運地活了下來，我家裏有長輩是自殺身亡的，我孩子的朋友也有自絕於世的親人。我一直不敢寫這個話題。一來這樣隱私的事，沒告訴過家人，怎麽好公開說？即便當我鼓足了勇氣準備寫的時候，又怕寫不好，誤導了別人，起了反倒用。
I have an interest on the topic , because I struggled with depression in my youth. I was so depressed I actually contemplated committing suicide, a short while after taking this sunny picture. Although by luck I survived, I had a family elder who did commit suicide. My children also have friends with family members who took their own lives.
I have been afraid to write about this topic. For one, this is a very private matter that I have not told my family. How can I start talking about it in public? Even when I gathered up enough nerve to write, I was worried that I would mislead people if I don’t get it right. That would result in the opposite effect,.
最終我決定寫這篇文章，是看到一些博文中和博文後麵留言討論裏有不少對青少年心理疾病的誤解。這些誤解不利於華人父母去了解和幫助那些患了心理疾病的孩子。我不是這方麵的專業人士，但我可以用我對心理疾病的感受來糾正這些錯誤的信息。
Finally, I decide to write about it, after reading some blog postings and the comments following the postings, There were quite a few erroneous perceptions about mental illness in youth in these discussions. These misperceptions are not conducive for Chinese parents to understand and help the their children with mental illness. I am not a professional in this area, but I can talk about what a mental illness feel like in an effort to correct some of the misperceptions.
華人群體中對心理疾病的錯誤認識，常見的有這些:
These are some common misperceptions I have seen on the Chinese language forums:
第一， 心理疾病不是病，至少抑鬱症不算。人都會碰到不開心的事，看開點就好了。
認為抑鬱症不是病的，碰上不開心的事，找人說說，開導一下就沒事了。這些人也許自己沒得過抑鬱症，有得過的也不是很嚴重。他們認為找心理醫生治療是洋人的做法，華人親戚朋友多, 有親支幫助，不必找專業人士。
First, mental illness is not a real illness, at least depression does not count as illness. Inevitably, people will run into some situations that he or she not happy about. All one has to do is to look past it to get over it.
Those who do not think depression is an illness probably have never been afflicted with mental illness themselves . If they did, it was not severe. They will find people to talk things over when they run into a bad situation, They believe that seeking professional treatment is something Caucasians do. Chinese have no need for professional help as we have lots of family and friends.
第二，心理疾病都是外來因素造成的。心理上出毛病的，不是壓力太大了，就是生活中碰到不如意的事，受了刺激。
Second, mental illness is a result of external factors. Those with mental issues are either under too much pressure, or run into some adversities in life. The external stimulation caused mental problem.
認為心理疾病是外來因素造成的，主張改變外界環境。在他們看來，減輕壓力最重要。他們認為華裔望子成龍心切造成的壓力，是青少年憂鬱症的直接原因。改變中式教育方式，減輕孩子們的壓力，這個問題就解決了。
Those who thinks mental illness come from external factors promote changing the external environment. From their standing point, reducing pressure is most paramount. They believe that the pressure from unrealistic expectation of Chinese parents is the direct cause for youth depression. This problem of youth mental illness can be solved by changing the Chinese educational style and reducing the pressure on the children
第三，心理病患者都是心智不全的人。心理有毛病的，不是神經脆弱，就是太過敏感，或是承擔壓力的能力不足。碰上了不順心的事，就是學業，工作，生活失敗了，這些脆弱的人就會得憂鬱症。
Third, people with mental illness has diminished mental capacity. Those with mental issues either have a fragile psyche, or are just too sensitive. May be they are just less able to deal with pressure. They are depressed because they encountered challenges which they can not handle, such as failing at school, work or life.
這種對心理疾病的成見，和對心理病患者偏見，特別是憂鬱症患者的偏見，最不利於心理疾病的診斷。患者生活中出了問題，隻是急著解決實際同題，不會想到去找生理的因素。
The stigma associated with mental illness, and the prejudice against mental illness patients, especially patients with depression, is most unhelpful for diagnosis. The mentally ill and their families will be busy trying to find solution to the practical problems in life, not even thinking about looking for physiological reasons for the underlying psychological problem.
我知道這些都是誤解和偏見，因為我對心理疾病有切身體會。
I know these are are misconceptions and prejudices, because I have real experiences with psychological problems.
三十多年前，我還是個小留學生，讀大學二年級。我曾經想自殺，從來沒對人說過，直到幾個月前，有一個年輕朋友心理疾病又犯了。我想起年輕時那種孤立無助的感受，決定說出來，讓他知道他是被關愛著的，鼓勵他積極求醫治療。
More than thirty years ago, I was still a foreign student from China, in my second year in college. I seriously considered taking my own life. I never mentioned this to anyone until a few months ago. A young friend of mine was struggling with mental health issues. I remembered how lonely and helpless I felt when I was young and decided to tell it to him. I wanted to let him know he was being loved, and encouraged him to seek professional help and treatment。
我不是個懦弱的人，這個可以從我的博文和在時事評論壇的討論中看出來。我是有主見，敢說話的人。我十六歲時一個人從中國來美國，投奔一個從沒見過的親戚，自己求學工作結婚育兒，不是一個無勇無能的人。這其間有親友的幫助，丈夫的扶持，但主要依靠的是我自己的努力。這不是炫耀， 而是想說明抑鬱症和性格的強弱，和境遇的優劣無關。
I am not a weakling. This can be observed from my blog postings and discussions in the political forums. I have my own opinions and are not afraid to express them. At the tender age of sixteen, I came to the United States from China all by myself， to live with a relative whom I had never met. I went to school, got a job, got married and raised children. I am not a person without courage and capabilities. To accomplish all these, I had help from my relatives, support from my husband. But mostly I relied on myself. This is not boasting. I simply wanted to say that depression has nothing to do with personal character deficiencies or the situations at hand.
是的，我二十歲那年壓力很大。八十年代，中國改革開放不久，我來前對美國生活一無所知。學業上，英文基礎很弱，特別是聽力和寫作，文科特別吃力。我數學不錯，憑在中國初中學過的那些就把ACT數學考了近滿分。但理工科越往上越難。我還要勤工儉學自己掙學費生活費。要說壓力，我那時的壓力比現在的小留學生和在美國長大的華商移民孩子大。
Yes, I had a lot of pressure when I was a twenty years old. I didn't know anything about American life prior to coming here, as China was just coming out of an era of total isolation. My English language’s foundation was weak, especially in listening and writing. Liberal arts classes were especially hard. My math was not bad. I got close to a perfect score on ACT’s Math portion relying on I learn in middle school in China. But the higher level it gets in engineering school, the more difficult it was. I was also working part time to earn my tuition and living expenses while I was a full time college student. The pressure I had to deal with were more than most of the students today who had family support .
但這些壓力完全是自找的。我清楚地知道，若撐不下去，嫁人拿綠卡就可以輕鬆地過上安逸的生活。也並不是我驕傲，一定要孤身奮鬥，我隻是想無拘無束地享受青春年華帶來的快樂。
But some of these pressures I put on myself. I clearly understood that I could get married and live an easy life if I can not make it on my own. It is not that I was too proud that I must struggle by myself, I justed wanted to enjoy the fun and freedom my youth had brought.
其實我當時並不是孤立無援的。家裏有親戚可以依靠，外麵有研究生大哥大姐們的幫助。那時年代的研究生，在國內上過頂尖名校不說，更有高考前在社會上麼練出的生活經驗。那時留學生很少，幾個中國來的學生都認識。什麽事需要幫忙這些哥哥姐姐都不必我開口請求。理工科女生，被一群男同學眾星捧月圍繞自然不在話下。男女老少，隻要我衝人甜甜的一笑，什麽事都可以迎刃而解。沒遇上幾個不順著我的人，也沒碰上什麽不順心的事。春花燦爛，前程似綿，我沒有不開心的理由。
Actually, I was not alone and without any assistance. I had my relatives to lean on at home, and the graduate students from China to help at school. The graduate students at the time not only had attended the top colleges in China, but also had life experiences from working before attending college. There were very few students from China in those days, and we all knew each other. The older graduate student were like big brothers and sisters to me. If I need anything, they would extend a helping hand without me even asking. Naturally, girls in engineering school were always surrounded by admiring boys. Men and women, young and old, all I need to do is put on a sweet smile, nothing would block my way. I did not meet many people who didn’t do what I asked, neither did I encounter too many situations that make me unhappy. Like a flower blooming in the spring, with even better seasons ahead, I had no reason to be unhappy.
可是，有幾個月的時間裏，我一直不開心，焦慮，悲傷，心情低沉。壓力大，一定有些憂慮。我不記得那時煩些啥，應該沒什麽大事，但年輕時可能覺得是蠻大的事。但是，那段時間，低落，悲哀的情緒，和絕望，孤涼的感受，是完全沒有來由的。
But during those few months, I was not happy. I was worried, sad, feeling low. Under a lot of pressure, there were some worries for sure. I don’t remember what was bothering me at the time. They were nothing really serious, otherwise, I would have remembered. But to a youth they might seem like big deals. Nevertheless, during those times, the low and sad mood, and hopelessness and lonely feeling, came to me with no reason at all.
有些把英文的depression 翻譯為憂鬱症，有些做抑鬱症。對我來說，抑鬱是更準確的描述。那些無端而來的壓抑，悲傷，無法化解，揮之不去。 雖然心裏明白不能讓這種情緒影響工作和學習，但沒有力量抗拒這抑鬱的感覺。在這感覺的壓迫下，有時起不了身，出不得門。
Some Chinese translation of the English word “depression” as 憂鬱症，others call it抑鬱症. To me, 抑鬱 is a more precise description. Those feelings of depression and sadness came from nowhere, could not be dissolved, could not be brushed off. Even though in my heart I knew clearly that I could not let those moods affect work and study, but I had no strength to fight the depressed feeling. Under the weight of these feelings, sometimes I could not get up and get out of door.
忍受不了這讓我窒息的壓抑，我把自絕的方案準備好了, 穿戴整齊，一根繩子。 但最終不能下手，因為舍不得我父母。我不是完全的生無可戀，我惦念著我遠在中國的父母親。或許那時我的抑鬱症還沒嚴重到讓我完全地失去理智。我擔心自絕於世會讓我父母親心碎了，我也知道我父母親會為此備受指責。
When I could no longer deal with the depression which was suffocating me, I started thinking about how to take my own life. Put on clean cloth, with a rope, that was my plan. But in the end I could not do it. Because I could not bear the thought of my parents left in this world for people to point their fingers at. I was not left without anything to live for yet. I missed my parents far away in China. Maybe my depression was not so severe to the point that I completely lost the ability to think rationally. I was afraid that my parent’s heart would be broken if I had committed suicide.
出國前，有人問我母親怎麽舍得讓這麽小年紀的女兒走那麽遠。我母親說，舍不得又怎樣，這樣好的機會難道不讓她試一試。我的母親為了我的前程，放下了對女兒的依戀。我的父母相信我能走出自己的路，我不能讓他們失望。
Before I left China, some people asked my mother how could she bear to let a daughter so young to travel so far? My mother said, so what if I can’t bear it? How can I not let her explore such an incredible opportunity! My parent put aside their own feelings so I could have an opportunity to a good life in a free and prosperous country. They trusted me to find my own path in this world and had confidence in that that I will succeed. I could not disappoint them.
雖然我不記得為什麽發病，但我記得是怎麽活下來的。我很幸運，我知道父母親很愛我，信任我。他們愛我之深，在書信緩慢的年代，我能從地球的另一端感受到。他們的愛救了我的命，雖然他們並不知道。在最低落的時候，我每天念給自己的是，他們把一個活色生香的女兒送出來，不能讓他們把一個冰冷的骨灰盒接回家。那個年代，我的父母是沒有機會到美國來給女兒收屍的。父母親的愛，是我絕望時的一根稻草。也許是緊緊的抓住這根稻草，我才沒讓悲哀的洪水淹死了。
Even though I don’t remember how I got sick, but I remember how I survived. I knew my parents love me and trusted me. Their love was so deep, in the days of snail mail, I could feel it from the other side of world. Their love saved me, even though they did not know. When I was at the lowest point, I kept telling myself: they sent out a lively daughter, they could not receive a cold ash urn in return! In those days, my parents did not have any opportunity to come to the United States to bring back my body. The love of parents was a straw at the time of my despair. Maybe it was because I held tight to this straw, that I did not drown in the flood of overwhelming sorrow.
那時不知道什麽叫抑鬱症，對心理疾病一無所知。親戚已經幫我很多了，我為雞毛蒜皮的小事發愁，這不是無病呻吟嗎。學校裏研究生大哥大姐們看到是一個幸運的小姑娘，穿得漂漂亮亮地和同齡的小朋友們玩得很高興，哪會有什麽憂愁。同學都和我一樣，除了上課打工，就是吃喝玩樂，也沒聽說誰象我一樣看不開。我條件這麽好，卻無緣無故地不開心，找人說了真會有人懂嗎？ 如果到處對人說我不開心，這若放在今天，一定會被人罵: ”你有病啊!"
At that time, I did not know there is such a thing called depression. I also did not know anything about mental illness. My relatives already helped me a lot. I didn't want them to think I was whining about petty little problems. The kindly graduate students thought I was a pretty young girl with no worry at all. Unlike them who scrimped and saved for families back home, I spent money on fashionable cloth and snacks. I was busy running around having fun with friends my own age. My friends were all like me, studying and working hard , and playing even harder. I never heard anybody who worried so much about little problems like me. I had all the good things in life, but were unhappy for no good reason. Would anybody have understood it if I had told anybody? If I told people that I was unhappy, they probably would laugh at me, “you must be sick!”。
是的，我有病，心理疾病。但我那時不懂，不想對人說，更不知道可以找專業的幫助。
Yes, I was sick, mentally sick. But I did not understand it at the time. I did not want to tell anybody and I did not know that I should seek professional help.
我記不清這病是什麽時候開始的，也記不清什麽時候恢複了健康。幾個月後，那種壓抑的感覺漸漸地越來越少了。這應該歸功於身體自我恢複的功能。當我從抑鬱中走出來的時候，我還是個小留學生。壓力不但沒減，反而隨著畢業日近，更多了升學和找工作的壓力。但壓力的增加並沒再次引發抑鬱症。
I can’t remember clearly when did I started getting sick. I can’t remember when did I started getting well either. After a few months, the depressed feeling gradually lifted. This maybe due to the self healing power of the human body. When I came out of the depression, the challenges I was facing as a young foreign student were still there. Not only pressure did not lessen, as graduation became closer, there was additional pressure of looking for a job or applying for a graduate school. But the increased pressure did not lead to another episode of depression.
抑鬱症的那種無來由的悲涼和絕望，是來自內心的，很多有生理原因的，不見得排除了外來壓力就能化解。近來西醫對抑鬱症的治療以藥物為主也是因為很多心理疾病有生理原因。我不是醫療專業的，說不清心理病的生理原因，但我知道年輕人發病時多受青春期的荷爾蒙影響。不隻是在青春期，荷爾蒙也會在其它時期引發心理疾病。產後抑鬱症近來引起了人們的注意。
The sadness and despair of depression comes from within. There were physiological reasons. It is not certain that eliminating external pressure can solve it. The use of medicine as primary treatment for depression is an indication that physiological factors are behind many cases of depression. I am not a health care professional. I can not clearly explain the physiological reason for mental problems, but I know that youth mental illness are sometimes influenced by hormonal changes brought on by puberty. Not only during puberty, hormonal changes during other times in life can also lead to mental illness. For example, postpartum depression has been gaining people’s attention lately.
我自己的感受至少可以說明心理疾病也是病，和生理疾病一樣。心理疾病也有生理原因。致於心理病是不是需要專業醫療幫助，也和生理疾病一樣，要看小病還是大病了。小病可以自治或求醫，大病一定要求醫。如果分不清病的輕重，那還是求醫為好。 如果抑鬱到有自殘自殺念頭的就是大病，一定要求醫。
At the minimum, my own experience is evidence that mental illness is a real sickness, just like physiological illness. Mental illness also has physiological reasons. As to whether mental illness requires medical attention, it depends on severity of the illness, just like physiological illness. Light cases one may heal himself or herself. Severe cases must seek medical help. If the severity of the problem is not clear, it is best to seek professional help. If a person is thinking of hurting himself or herself, the depression is severe that professional help is a must.
我把自己的經曆說出來，不是為了博得陌生人的同情，而是為了讓華人群體了解心理疾病患者的真實感受，進以積極的關注和幫助這類疾病的青少年患者。如果人們沒有意識到心理疾病和生理疾病一樣對人的健康有害，就不會去求醫。
The purpose of talking about my own experience is not to seek pity from strangers, but to help Chinese community understand what mental illness really feels like. And then in turn find ways to help youth who are mentally sick. If people don't know that psychological malaise is equal damaging to health, just as physiological illness, then they will not think of seeking professional help.
致於減輕壓力是不是有益於防止心理疾病，下一篇再討論。
As to whether reducing stress would prevent mental sickness, I will discussed in more detail in the next post of this series.
(未完待續)
(To be continued)
蓮盆籽
二0一七年三日二十六日
*********翻印轉裁, 務必等這個係列寫完之後。無償轉載，但必須先經我允許。轉裁前請以悄悄話和我聯係。*********
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憂鬱症是現代多發常見病，就像心髒病，高血壓一樣是病，需要就醫。抑鬱症也可能是家族遺傳，生病引起（如甲狀腺低），內分泌，荷爾蒙紊亂，造成大腦裏chemistry out balance.當然現代人生活壓力大也可能成為誘因。
看來遊士老師沒患過憂都症，這和不愉快的感覺不一樣。
謝謝遊士老師一直地關注並指導！
周未快樂！
不懂孤獨症是什麽，英文怎麽說？
謝謝梅華關注並鼓勵！
是，很多美國人也分不清。他們有一點不開心就會找心理醫生。
至少他們知道這是一種病，還是慎重一些為好。
謝謝荔枝補充！
謝謝電話號碼的支持鼓勵！
歡迎陽光到訪！
謝謝鼓勵！
謝謝健康！
是沒想到文學城的博主們都這麽友善，早來些多好！
曉青說營養很重要，以後我得多去你家學做健康食品。
謝謝輕描淡寫參加討論。
這也是一個常見的誤解。患病的時候好象都不開心，病好了各人不同的本性就出來了。
謝謝茵茵的補充。
憂鬱的和不高興的感覺是不一樣的。我試著描述，但還是寫得不到位。
謝謝吉星參加討論！
或許感受不到愛是病得曆害？有些自殺的孩子有家庭問題，也有不少是生活在幸福之中，但看不到，感受不了。
謝謝雅美老師到訪！
希望孩子們看到有人走出憂鬱，生活開心快樂，會有信心堅強地與疾病抗爭。
問好邇東！
謝謝關注！
是很多人都患過憂鬱症，輕重不一樣。
年輕時能扛過去的，年紀大了身體弱不一定能扛得下去。
謝謝梅姐分享！
謝謝Smilha 參加討論。
好象也不能隨時停藥。
我吃過Thyroid藥，醫生也告訴要遂漸停才行。
可以看出思韻讀得很用心。我也希望引起討論。
謝謝苑老師參加討論！
年輕不懂事，是有很多因惑。但那種壓在心頭的沉重感覺和之前和之後感受到的壓力不一樣。
謝謝寫寫評論！
我也認為不能化解的負麵情緒是Chemical imbalance 造成的。
那是來的留學生都是人尖子，他們回國娶的都是頂極美女。
嬌弱的女子做了窮學生的媳婦，有的打工，有的自己讀個學位，中國的女人都是強者。
都知道菲兒賢惠，有誰知道你這嬌生慣養的公主有多麽堅強！
謝謝曉青參加討論
你說的營養問題我倒是沒想到，有道理。營養不良是會影響健康。
我那時很廋，吃了很多糖和冰淇淋還很苗條。終於發現做個圓滾滾的蓮籽也有好處，可能可以預防擾鬱症？哈哈。不知心寬體胖哪個是因，哪個是果？
正視過去的負麵經曆很不容易，要讚，期待下篇。
謝謝園姐關心！我很好，別擔心。
謝謝各位留言，寫完了再回複。
很多人都會憂鬱，謝謝你和大家分享！
謝謝分享。