倫敦訊--今天，英國女王伊麗薩白二世，出人意料地發表電視講話，建議英國收回對美國的統治。
從白金漢宮她的辦公室向美國人民喊話，女王說， “認識到你們當前令人絕望的處境”所以她提供這個建議。
她說，“這個曆時240年的自治實驗，想法是蠻好的，不過我認為現在大家都同意了，結局不甚美好。”
女王敦促美國人選舉日在選票上寫入她的名字，然後美國向英國統治的過渡就能“波瀾不驚地”地開始了。
伊麗莎白承認，英國脫歐可能使得美國人對英國議會製度的治理方式產生很正當的警覺，但是她向他們保證，“英國議會製度與這件事情毫不相幹。美國回歸的，將是英國老派正統的郡主製。就我嘛。然後，假定你們不要查爾斯，我們可以直接傳給威廉和令你們著迷的他的孩子們。”
末了，為推動這件事，女王向美國選民毫不掩飾地亮出了她的競選資格：第一，她從來不用Email，第二，她一生隻跟這一個男人“偶爾”有性關係。
原件：
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.
Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.
The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”
Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”
Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”
（這是Andy Borowitz 為 NewYorker 寫的一則幽默。）
