長篇小說《錯亂年華》第二十三章: 朗馨聆聽安往事

        美國。費城。 

        朗馨一覺醒來，覺得渾身發冷。她挪挪身子，覺得四肢無力，才知道自己在發燒。她硬撐著坐起身，下了床，把皮箱打開，想找從國內帶來的退燒藥。她冰涼的手，不意地又觸及了箱底那張破碎的結婚照。朗馨把它拿出來，不知是因為頭暈還是眼花，她看見仲平在相框裏蔑視地朝她冷笑。朗馨禁不住背上發寒，想起涼亭躲雨後，自己和顧宇生有了身體的接觸，才意識到自己正在同時欺騙著兩個男人。她覺著無論對樂仲平還是對顧宇生，自己都是在做賊；但，如果說心虛，那似乎隻是對顧宇生才有， 因為，他對朗馨來說，太無辜。這樣想著，她下意識地把那照片麵朝下， 死死地塞到箱底，又用幾件秋衣壓住，才覺得心安一點。這時，有一隻蟑螂鬼鬼祟祟地從箱底爬出來，探探頭，揮了揮觸角，又縮回了箱底。朗馨覺得奇怪，最近自己的房間怎麽總有蟑螂，隻是不多，就那麽一兩隻。朗馨急忙翻起皮箱， 那詭詐的蟑螂早已逃竄了。 

        她從一個塑料袋拿出兩粒退燒藥，就著水，喝下去，又手腳冰冷地回到床上躺下。朗馨看看表，見已過了十點，心想：耽誤了戴維斯教授的早課；不過還好，下午沒課了……對了，還得去和規劃項目小組碰頭。勳這個人，好象比戴維斯教授還要急似的，總是催碰頭，交進度報告， 真是……朗馨想著想著，昏沉沉地入了夢境。 

        她夢見一隻怪物，有著駱駝般的身子，恐龍的頭型，還有大象的鼻子， 在追她。街上仿佛有許多人在看她熱鬧，沒人幫忙。朗馨的腿又重又軟， 兩個胯根本帶不動它們。眼看那大怪物就追上來了，朗馨突然看見樂仲平和顧宇生同時站在一個高台上，就象見了救星一般，求他倆幫忙，把自己拉上去。可他們都搖著頭，隻是得意地笑。朗馨又無助地往前跑，她恨自己的腿怎麽這麽不爭氣，動一步都那麽的艱難。她掙紮著拚命往前邁進，仿佛來到了自己幼年生長的家屬大院：泥濘地，三層樓，四個單元。朗馨知道她的家曾經就在那第三個門洞的一層。她仿佛看見了希望。可那樓雖然就在眼前，卻怎麽也走不近它。 

        眼見大怪物就要追上來了，朗馨忽然看見泥濘的地上有一個圓形玻璃器皿，有著長長的瓶頸，裏麵半盛了水，有一個黃色的塑料小鴨子浮在水麵，幾根水草漂呀漂的。她急忙上去打開玻璃器皿的蓋子，露出裏麵的水。果然，那怪物見了水，就一下把長鼻子伸進了玻璃瓶口兒，被卡住 了。朗馨吃力地來到了三單元，進了左邊的門。按說，這門本應有三家人的，李媽媽家，是個寡婦，帶著兩個兒子；鍾老師家，是一對夫婦；還有朗馨幼年的家。三家人每家一間房，公用一個廚房，一個蹲式廁所。可怎麽這裏的境況竟全都變了呢：每個門都掛著黑簾子，走廊也暗得幾乎看不見，一點人氣也沒有。朗馨絕望地去敲自家的門，見上麵貼了一個黑色的字條：朗馨，我們走了，你姐姐……” 

         “姐姐，姐姐……”朗馨呼喊著，從夢中驚醒。她出了一身冷汗：奇怪，怎麽做了這麽個怪夢。爸媽走了？他們難道沒和姐姐在一起嗎？ 難道姐姐的病加重了？那仲平在夢見死不救，他知道自己變心了？…… 那好像還可以理解，但阿生呢？他也是袖手旁觀地在看自己逃命的笑話呀？！ 還有那拚湊成的大怪物，又代表什麽呢？朗馨解不了這個怪異的夢，就起了一股衝動，想給龍潭打個電話，告訴顧宇生自己今天身體不適，可能不去做工。但她還是忍住了：第一，她仍舊心裏存僥幸，希望自己能去龍潭， 掙為數可觀的小費；第二，顧宇生很忙，她不想耽誤他做工；第三，她不願意自己現出個病人的模樣，讓顧宇生來探視。這樣一想，朗馨便打消了打電話的念頭。她摸了摸自己的額頭，汗已褪去，額頭冰涼涼的，的確是退燒了。她下了床，披了件厚毛衣，拿著口杯下樓，準備去廚房弄點兒奶喝。 

        她來到廚房，打開冰箱，正準備倒奶，隻聽安從身後跟她打招呼： “Good morning, Langxin. How are you this morning?”(“早安，朗 馨。今天早晨你過得怎麽樣？”)朗馨虛弱地說：“I am fine. What about you?”(“我挺好。你呢？”）安歎了口氣，說：“Not very good. Langxin，do you have some time now?”(“不怎麽樣。朗馨，你這會兒有時間嗎？”)朗馨點點頭，倒了大半杯牛奶，勉強地撐著勁兒說： “Probably in the morning. This afternoon, I have classes and a group meeting. Do you need me for something?”(“可能早晨有點時間。下午，還有課和小組碰頭會。你有什麽事嗎？”) 安瞪著兩隻渴望的大眼睛，直率地說：“Can you spend half an hour with me? I will pay you $10 for this.”) (“你能幫我半小時嗎？我付你十美元。”) 說完，就走到操作台旁，打開咖啡壺，開始做咖啡。 

        朗馨這才回想起上星期，安的心理治療師離開了費城，安求過朗馨做她心理治療的聽眾，當時朗馨也答應了。可現在安提出來，朗馨有些不情願。因為，她的確因為發燒而有氣無力；再說，下午的小組碰頭會多少還得準備準備；最重要的，自己現在最需要的是睡覺，其他的什麽也不想做。可她不想讓安失望，覺得她挺可憐。不知怎的，每次見到安，她就會想到自己的姐姐。雖然，姐姐得的不是心理病，安得的不是肌體病，但她們倆其實一樣，都是病人，需要別人的關心。更何況，隻要半小時，就賺十美元，可以頂點夥食費。這樣一想，朗馨忍住身體的不適，微笑著說： “Okay. When do you want to get started? What do I need to bring?”(“好啊，你什麽時候想開始？我需要帶什麽嗎？”) 安感動地說：“You don't need anything but ears.” (“除了帶耳朵，其他什麽也不需要。”） 

        朗馨喝完牛奶，回到房間，梳洗完畢，換了便裝，來到二樓安的臥室。 她見門虛掩著，就敲了敲，裏麵沒人回應。她又敲了敲，還是沒人回應， 便推門進去，裏麵黑暗暗的一片，什麽也看不清；空氣中，散發出一股不清潔的怪味。朗馨大聲喊道：“Ann, Where are you ?”(“安，你在哪 兒？”) 仍舊沒人理會。朗馨抬腳走了幾步，一個趔趄，差點被絆倒。她低頭一看，原來是踢倒了一個半空的大飲料瓶。那瓶子被朗馨踢倒了， 裏麵的飲料流了出來。朗馨又提高了聲音，說：“Ann, where are you? I accidentally knocked down your drink. I need some towels.”(“安，你在哪兒呢？我不小心把你的飲料弄倒了。你有擦紙嗎？”)  

        這一喊，安才象幽靈一般出現在朗馨的麵前。她說：“Here, clean with this shirt.”(“來，用這個 T 恤衫擦。”) 說完，用腳從身邊的地上撥拉過一件 T 恤衫，壓在流出的飲料上。朗馨嚇了一跳，問： “Where have you been?”( “ 你去哪兒了？” ) 安說 ： “Make everything dark to get ready for my session.”(“進入黑暗狀態， 準備開始心理治療。”) 朗馨皺皺眉，看看周圍的黑暗，開始感到安確實是個心理不正常的病人，她提議說：“Ann, Its too dark. Let's turn the light on.) (“安，這太黑了，咱們把燈打開吧。”) 安邊讓朗馨和她對坐下來，邊說：“No, no light. The darkness in this room makes me feel safe.”(“不, 不要開燈。這房間的黑暗， 讓我感到安全。”)  

        朗馨越發感到自己對麵坐的這個女人，是病態的。她謹慎地清了清嗓 子，問：“What happened? Why is that you feel this way?” (“發生什麽了？你為什麽怕光呢？”) 安的身體突然控製不住地抖動起來，她問朗馨: “Are you scared of the darkness when you were a child?”(“你的童年怕黑嗎？”) 朗馨點點頭，說：“Yes. Most children are scared of the darkness.”(“怕。大多數孩子都是怕黑 的。”) 安進入了一種在往事中行走的狀態，說：“But, in my childhood, I was scared of the light. Darkness was my shield.) (“但是，我的童年, 是怕光的。黑暗是我的庇護所。”) 

        “Since I was born, I have never seen my mother, nor do I really know who my father was. The man that I've known as my father is the one who took away my virgin.”(“從我出生，我就沒見過我母親，我也不知道我的父親究竟是誰；那個我從小稱之為父親的 人，是第一個占有我身子的人。) 朗馨瞪大了眼睛，幾乎不敢相信她的耳朵，她強忍住震驚，繼續安靜地做聽眾，讓安把那折磨她的往事毫無保留地傾吐出來。  

        安停了片刻，往痛苦的最深處走去：“His name is Allen. I've been calling him daddy since I was little. He was the closest person to my life. At that time, we lived in northern New York State. He was very nice to me. Every night, he would read stories to me, and then let me sleep in his arm. Every Christmas Eve, he would take me to the hill behind our house and we would dig a fresh little pine tree to take home. He would sing Christmas songs to me and I would fall to sleep in his lap. The very next Christmas morning, when I woke up, I would see nice gifts under that Christmas tree. I loved him, just like a daughter would love her father, and had no suspicion or caution.”   
(“他的名字叫愛倫。從我記事起，我就叫他爸爸，他是我身邊最親近的人。當時，他帶著我住在紐約州的北部。他對我很好。每天晚上，總是給我講故事，然後摟著我睡。每年聖誕夜的晚上，他總會帶我到後山，挖一棵很小的野生鬆樹，帶回家來。他會給我唱聖誕歌，然後哄我在他的懷裏睡去。聖誕節的早晨，我一醒來，就會在那棵散發著鬆香的小樹下，發現一些可愛的禮物。我愛他，正如女兒愛父親，沒有任何遮掩和提防。”)  

        “But, from when I was nine years old, this man that I regarded as my father, began to approach my body and expose my body under bright light. I wanted to sleep by myself, but he said all the fathers and daughters would sleep together. When we slept together, he asked me to touch his private parts and told me that this is how a daughter would show love to her father. I was scared and the fear occupied my life. Every day, before he came back home, I would hide in the dark storage house in the backyard. If he could not find me, he would curse me and my mother. I wanted to flee but the fear of him conquered me. I lived in such kind of life until I was thirteen.”  
(“可是，從我九歲開始，這個被我稱為父親的人，就開始接近我的身體，而且每次都開著明燈。我提出要自己睡，他卻說，所有的女兒都是和父親睡的，我們睡在一起的時候，他就讓我去摸他的私處，說這是父親對女兒愛的表現。我很怕，每天都生活在一種戰戰兢兢之中。當我知道他要回來之前，就躲在後院的一個黑暗的儲藏房。如果他找不到我，就會暴跳如雷，惡狠狠地罵我和我母親。我也想過逃，但那懼怕他的魔掌一直籠罩著我。這種狀況，一直持續到我十三歲。”) 

        “I started to hate him. One day, once again, he forced me to sleep with him. With trembled voice while I backed up, I said: “If you draw one step closer to me, I am going to call the police.” His face suddenly became twisted. He said to me: If you dare to call the police, your destiny is going to be the same as your mother.I screamed and asked who on earth is my mother? Where is she? Who are you? If you are my father, why do you hurt your daughter? He became crazy and laughed: your mother is a bastard. She married me because I got good money as a salesman always on business trip. However, she cannot sustain the loneliness and had an affair with a man. One night, I came back from the business trip and saw your mother was sleeping with that man in our bed, with no clothes. Later, you were born and your mother left you with me, and ran away with that man. Don't you understand? You are not my child，you are fathered by that man. After I heard what Allen had said, I began to understand:  After all these years, he raised me, just for the sake of taking my body, insulting me, and to revenge his failure with my mother.” 
(“我開始由怕他變得恨他。有一天，他又來逼我跟他同睡。我一邊退縮著，一邊說：如果你再靠近我一步，我就要報警。他的麵目突然變得無比猙獰，說：你敢報警？那你的結果就會和你母親一樣悲慘！
我就大哭著問：我的母親到底是誰？她在哪兒？你又是誰？如果你真是?我的父親，為什麽會侵犯自己的女兒？！他瘋狂地哈哈大笑，說：你的母親是一個賤貨。她好暮錢財，就嫁給了我這個常年在外奔走的推銷員， 她奈不住寂寞，就在外麵有了情人。有一晚，我出差回家，一開門，就看見你母親和他的情人赤裸裸地抱在一起，熟睡在我們的床上。後來，你母親生了你，就把你留下，和那個男人跑了。你明白嗎？你根本就不是我的孩子，是你母親和那個人的種！聽了愛倫的獨白，我明白了：這些年， 他把我養大，就是為了占有我，侮辱我，為了報複他在我母親那受到的羞辱。”  

        說到這，安停下來，唇口幹裂，朗馨就遞給她一杯水，說：“Ann, do you want to tell more? Maybe, we can continue next time.” (“安，你還想說嗎？也許，我們可以下次再談。”)  

        安好還停留在她青少年的世界，又接著說道：“When I was sixteen, I was pregnant. Yes, I was pregnant with Allen's baby. When the baby was six month old, Allen had a car wreck. He left this world with his evil deed, but I have to continue to live and suffer. I had always wanted to verify whether I was Allen's daughter or not. On that day, when Allen's memorial service was held, I took several of his hair and did a DNA test. Allen……He is my biological father! But he had always thought I was the child fathered by my mothers lover. I could not tolerate my horrible deeds. I could not face the result of my horrible action. I drowned my baby. She was only seven month old. I am a killer. I am the one who killed my own child, but what kind of child is she? A child fathered by her mother's own father! If she was to live in this world, how would she survive in such a shame? ” 
(“十六歲那年，我懷孕了，對，懷孕了，和愛倫。當孩子六個月的時候，愛倫出了車禍。他帶著罪惡離開了這個世界，而我，還得繼續在罪孽的深淵中煎熬。我一直很想弄清自己到底是不是愛倫的女兒。於是，就在為他出殯的那天，我取了他幾跟頭發，拿去做了 DNA 測試。罪孽呀，罪孽！原來，愛倫，他，他就是我的親生父親！可他卻一直以為我就是他妻子在外麵和別人生的種！我忍受不了自己犯下的罪孽，更不能麵對罪孽的果子。我就把那可憐的孩子在水裏淹死了。那時，她才七個月。我是個凶手，殺死自己孩子的凶手。可是，天哪，那到底是個怎樣的孩子啊！一個女兒和他父親亂倫的種子！她要是活著，又能憑什麽名分在這個世界生存呢？！”) 

        講到這，安突然失控了，她站起來，拚命地用頭去撞牆，歇斯底裏地狂叫著，象一頭發瘋的母獅，喊著：“I am the one who killed my own child, a child that should not be given birth to!” (“是我親手殺了自己的孩子，一個原本就不應該存在的孩子！”) 

        朗馨感到安的瘋狂就象決堤的洪水一般，勢不可擋。她站起來，沒有去阻止安。理智告訴朗馨，安身體的發泄也是傾吐痛苦的一個必要過程。 

        過了一會兒，安終於平靜了下來，蓬頭垢麵，額頭上碰出一塊淤血。 此時的安，已從舊事的折磨中走了出來，恢複了常態，她招呼朗馨在原位坐下，說：“Did I scare you? What you've heard and seen are my past life. They are my problem.”（“我嚇壞你了吧？你剛才聽到 和看到的，都是我的過去，是我的心病。”） 

        朗馨伸出手，握緊安的手，關愛地說：“Ann, do you feel better now?”（“安，現在你感覺好受多了嗎？”）安平靜地點點頭，摸了摸額頭。朗馨又說：“Did David know what you've told me?” (“你剛才說的這些事，大衛知道嗎？”) 安點點頭，無奈地說：“He listened to my story before. These past several years, he got tired of it and is no longer willing to hear.” (“以前他還聽。這幾年，他聽膩了，再也不想聽了。”)  

        朗馨輕輕地說：“Ann, things happened more than 30 years ago. Allen already died, the baby also died, but you are alive. I very much understand your misfortunate childhood, but they have become past. They should not be the rock that stuck in the way； instead you should use them as experience to guide your present life. Ann, David is a good person; he is warmhearted, hardworking, and has a loving heart. If you believe in God, then you should believe that God already took the devil away from your life, and placed an angel next to you. It's time to start your new life, look……”（“安，事情已過去三十多年了。愛倫死了，那孩子也死了，可你還活著。我非常理解你不幸的童年，但它們都過去了，成為往事。它們不應該成為你日常生活的絆腳石，而應該成為你繼續好好活在這世上的借鑒。安，大衛是個好人，熱心，勤快，有愛心。如果你信上帝的話，你就應該相信，上帝已把你身邊的魔鬼除掉，又把一個天使安放在你的身邊。開始新的生活吧，你看……”） 

        朗馨站起來，走到那對關得緊緊的厚窗簾旁，用力一拉：陽關毫無保留地斜射了進來，濾出房間飛浮的灰塵，嚇跑了地上的一群正在肮髒中尋歡作樂的蟑螂。安象是坐了電椅一樣，從座位上跳了起來，戰戰兢兢地說：“Please, please don't. I don't want light. I am scared.” （“請不要，我不要光。我害怕！”）看見朗馨被一束陽光沐浴著，安仿佛真的看到了天使一般，她癡癡地問：“Langxin, tell me, where should I start my new life?”(“朗馨，那照你說，我應該從哪兒做起？”) 朗馨走過去，把安也拉進太陽的光輝，又給了她一個結實的擁抱。她感到擁抱安的感覺和擁抱姐姐的感覺是一樣的，隻是姐姐的身子要小的多。朗馨說：“Ann, do you know? You already started the first step: you opened the window, you let the Sun shines onto you, and you received the warmth of the Sun.”(“安，你知道嗎？ 你已邁出了第一步：那就是，你打開了窗戶，讓陽關照射自己的生活，勇敢地接受了太陽的溫暖。”)  （完）