ZT -- Sweetened Words V.S. Bitter-sweet Pills ( 林卡 )

weetened Words V.S. Bitter-sweet Pills (by 林卡 )

Just saw a comment from a fellow Chinese in a forum saying there is a lack of natural praise in our culture.   I think it’s so true.

The way North Americans relate to each other generally focuses on finding others’ merits to give praise, boosting people’s self-confidence and encouraging them for self-motivation.  In contrast, traditionally, Chinese tend to point out people’s shortcomings (including their own) to give criticism, believing in that bitter pills have a wholesome effect and will eventually bring sweetness in people’s life.  Guard against arrogance, they would say, so we can always stay humble and strive to improve ourselves.  Both approaches are with good intentions.  The people at the other end who hear those comments, either positive or negative, may feel quite differently.  The former makes people cheerful and confident, but may sometimes lead to superficiality.  The latter helps people be self-disciplined and down to earth, but may to some degree lead to a lack of self-confidence.

I grew up in a traditional Chinese family.  My parents almost never praised me in my presence.  When I was young, I did not like this because it was no good for building upon my self-confidence.  Fortunately they are most loving parents, and I have had the best possible nurturing to grow into a person with a superb feeling of security.   Starting from there, I have been able to explore the world freely and come to realize where my true strengths and weaknesses lie as time goes on.  Self-confidence is thus built up firmly.   Criticism and difficulties can not drain my self-confidence at all.  They could act as a reminder of how I might be able to do things better, but they can never change my basic view of myself.  Having said that, as a parent, I’d rather encourage my kids than scold them.  I think it is most important for them to establish belief in themselves here in Canada.

To adults, maybe praise is still more meaningful than criticism.  Grown-ups, as the name suggests, have formed their personalities already.  No one is perfect.  Criticism brings more distress, while encouragement creates a pleasant atmosphere.  The latter probably works better to stimulate a drive to improve oneself.  

On the other hand, I am curious about whether there is a role of a friend in western culture, like the one in Chinese culture,  who dares to say forthright words to people he cares.   Too many sweetened words may taste less sweet.  Sometimes, if you always hear praise, you will probably get a bit confused, wondering whether what you have done is really good or not, and what can actually be improved.  Personally, I like frank and cordial friends.  I guess North American people have their own ways to express their true opinions.  It just takes time for an immigrant to learn how to tell.

To wrap up, what shall we do when we communicate with others: to always praise people or to amicably remind them of mistakes they’ve made if you do see some?  I would say it depends.  I’d be more frank to a close friend, while give more praise to people I don’t know very well.  And, in case I have to prescribe some pills, I’d try to mingle them with some sweets so that they won’t taste that bitter.


同學小薇 translate
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I fully agree with some netizines’ opinions regarding the use of compliment in Chinese culture.

Western culture tends to finding one’s strength, giving compliments, encouraging self-confidence, therefore making one striving for becoming better self while Chinese culture is just opposite. It tends to point out one’s weakness, like feeding a patient a dose of bitter medicine in order to improve his health, in order to make one improve himself. Even though both are from good intentions, two kinds of people will most likely emerge as the result: former tends to become a happy go lucky confident person yet a bit superficial while the latter tends to be more discipline, reserved but lack of self-confidence.

I grew up in a traditional Chinese household. My parents almost never give me praise. When I was young, I always felt it’s not helping me gaining confidence. Fortunately they are good parents who care about their kids very much. This makes me always feel secure. From that point as I grow up and face the outside world, I have gaining clearer view of my strengths and weaknesses and confidence has gradually developed in me. Any adversaries in life and negative comments from others only become a call for me to become better, but they do not change how I view myself. However, for my own children, I would like to adopt western approach to give praise to them. In this land, I believe one’s confidence is extremely important.

Even for adults, praising is better than criticizing. Changing a person is not an easy task, it is mostly depends on his own will. Praising more than criticizing help creating a better atmosphere to enjoy and at same time, might be more useful to help one get rid of bad habits. On the other hand, what is the meaning of real friends in western culture, the ones who can point out your weaknesses so you can improve instead of blindly praising all the time. By only receiving compliments , one would not know what can be changed to become a better person. I myself do like to have friends who can be candor to each other.

Maybe westerners do have ways to express their real opinions, we need to find it. In a social environment, should we praise or should we give constructive suggestions? It is a subtle balance and not easy to find. I think we should give candid opinions to close friends while we should mainly give compliments to people in general. But even it’s medicine, we still like it to be a little sweeter.


附：中文原文
 

看到網友關於非功利性讚揚在我們的文化中比較缺少的評論，深以為然。

西式交流喜歡甜言蜜語，找到別人的優點加以讚揚，鼓勵自信心，從而促人自主追求進步。中式傳統看重良藥苦口，戒驕戒躁，傾向於指出缺點，讓人不斷改 進，從而完善自己。兩種用心都是好的，被用心的人感覺卻大不一樣。一個會比較快樂自信，但可能流於膚淺，一個會比較踏實自律，但可能缺少自信。

我自己在傳統中式教育中長大，父母幾乎從不當麵誇獎。小時候覺得這樣不好，不能幫助我更有自信。所幸他們是非常有兒女心的人，我有幸享有第一流的親 情，所以培養出超級的安全感。在此基礎上探索世界，年紀漸長對自己的優缺點能看得更清以後，自信心就很堅實地建立起來。別人的負麵評價，遇到的挫折，對我 而言是個鞭策，有則改之無則加勉，但不會改變我對自己的基本看法。隻是對自己的孩子，我還是願意采取鼓勵為主的教育方式；尤其在這西域之地，從小培養他們 的自信心我覺得是最重要的。

其實對大人而言，鼓勵也許仍然比批評更有意義。大人的缺點，已經養成，是否能改，看各人造化。鼓勵帶來的融洽氛圍，也許要比苛責造成的打擊，更能幫助別人完善自己，而且令生活更愉快。

另一方麵，西方文化裏，不知是否有諍友這麽一個角色。有時候總是聽到甜言蜜語，效果就差了，不知道自己做得到底好不好，有什麽地方其實可以改進。我自己是很希望有坦誠相見的朋友的。也許西方人自有其表達真實看法的方式，別人需要進一步了解而已。

那麽在和人交往時，到底該一味甜言蜜語，還是看到不足友善地指出？這個度掌握起來有點難。我想對了解的朋友，應該可以更坦率一點，一般人還是甜言蜜語為主比較好吧。縱使要給良藥，也應改良一下，采用正麵的說法，使之不那麽苦口。