楓林舒語
楓澤潤目繪春秋， 林韻拂耳訴歡愁。 舒眉展顏瞻星月， 語盡回眸返部洲。
來源：When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
由 禦樹林楓 翻譯
按："Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial." 對男性的家庭暴力與對女性的家庭暴力非常相似，會以肢體虐待、情感虐待、語言虐待或經濟虐待為形式。 --- Jan Brown ，家庭暴力男性幫助熱線執行理事和奠基人。
"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," Brown says. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man." 無論你是受虐婦女還是受虐男人，家庭暴力不是在說身材大小、性別、力量；而是虐待、控製、強權和離開危險境地以及得到幫助。 ---- Jan Brown 。
情感虐待，也稱感情虐待、心理虐待、精神虐待、情緒虐待。冷暴力是情感虐待的一種。
相信被記錄下來的虐待關係經常是：男人打女人。社會上已經認識到有很多的女人在情感虐待男人。事實上，經常是被情感虐待的男人沒認識到他的妻子或女友的行為是虐待。
他們用不同的字眼來描述這些行為： 挑剔、專橫、難以取悅、固執己見、難相處、苛刻、過於好辯、“激昂的”或侵略性；然後他們總是這樣解釋：“她的童年時代很艱難，她被虐待過。”其實， 很多人擁有並不理想的人生的開端，但是他 / 她們卻沒有把這些帶到成年的關係中去。
男人們已經被洗腦，認為女人無理性、喜怒無常、易激動、和 苛求 是正常的。 多數男人在女人“就是表達她們的感受”和“男人不擅長表達他們的感受” 的偽裝下接受了這些行為，並且由此而感到不舒服。這是荒謬的。由於這是虐待，所以這些行為讓男人不舒服；多數施虐女人最終也覺得不舒服。
男人，你需要覺醒，不要再自我蒙蔽這些明顯的事實。如果你擔心她會因為你細小錯誤而發瘋，或隻是因為她的壞心情而如履薄冰，那麽你在經受情感虐待。如果無論你多努力地取悅她都無濟於事，那麽你在經受情感虐待。如果她常規地通過罵人和羞辱人來壓製你、指責你或貶低你，那麽你在經受情感虐待。如果她通過把你關在外麵、不友好地冷落你或用拒絕性生活來控製你的行為，那麽你在經受情感虐待。承認這件事不羞恥。事實上，是你的妻子或女友應當感到羞恥。
情感虐待象癌症一樣吞噬你心靈，直至你感覺無力、無價值、焦慮和/ 或壓抑。多數時間它一步，又進一步地發展，所以你沒有察覺。你能把頭幾次的發脾氣、情緒爆發和憤怒發作解釋過去。因為你想取悅她，你很在意她的指責。為了讓她回到有趣、甜蜜和有愛意的關係蜜月，你已經犧牲所有並且留下了很多難題。
她不是無時無刻地施虐。有時她是友好的。有時，她甚至做出非常友好的姿態讓你說服自己：你們的關係不那麽壞。施虐者的人格類型經常具有富有魅力和誘惑的一麵。如果她總是很糟糕，你也不會和她在一起，是不是？她們美好的一麵是能吸引人的。隨著時間推移，美好逐漸消失，她們施虐的特征就占據了主導地位。
你不能搞定這些。你不能製止她。你不能使你們的關係好起來。你可以去接受世界上所有的治療，並且閱讀亞馬遜上全部的《怎樣理解女人》（ How to Understand Women ） 之類的書籍，但是你不能改變她的行為。為什麽？
首先你的女友或妻子非常不可能認為她們的行為是虐待，因為“都是你的錯”。最重要的是，她的虐待行為是她所獲得的她想獲得的方式。這是她已經學會的並且非常有效的技巧；即使她有所覺察，但對她而言，中斷這技巧是極端困難的。一個施虐者的目的是控製權，並且控製你的方法就是通過情感虐待。
你不想承認你被控製或者被虐待？ 好，問自己以下問題：
· 你是否因為不想回家而在工作上花越來越多的時間？
· 你是否在停止與朋友和家人的聯係？當你定期與他們交流，微笑著告訴他們一切都好時，你是否感覺堵心和喉頭發緊？
· 你是否覺得你在等待“另一隻鞋掉下來”？
· 你是否在通過書、電影或網絡來躲避現實生活？
· 你是否在感覺羞愧、無價值、低自尊或情感麻木？
· 你是否有以下醫生不能診斷的、類似“可能由壓力引起的”症狀：長期胃痛、頭暈、頭痛、消化問題、失眠或乏力。
· 你是否喝更多的酒或使用比平時更多的麻醉類藥品？你是否在用這些方式麻痹自己，從而逃避或麵對不愉快的現實？
· 你是否感覺自己不可愛？就象覺得自己有些不對竅，或者你很“糟糕”或“瘋狂”？你是否擔心如果你離開了你的伴侶就沒人要了？
· 你是否有憂鬱的症狀，包括想自殺？
· 你是否在進行使自己會“意外”死亡的冒險活動，如亂開車、獨自騎自行車穿越原始地帶、去危險的社區、或者看都不看地在馬路上行走？
如果你對多於一個的問題回答“是”，你很可能在承受情感虐待的影響。
即使沒有成熟的人格障礙，多數有施虐特征女人（和男人）具有邊緣型人格障礙 （Borderline Personality Disorder） ，有 表演型人格障礙（Histrionic Personality Disorder） 和 / 或自戀型人格障礙（Narcissistic Personality Disorder）的特征。這些精神狀況都非常難以治療。所有這三個類型都會是非常情感虐待的；她 / 他們都無法真正地換位思考，這對你來說不是一個好兆頭。
你需要決定：是否餘生就要被如此對待；或者，是否你還想要一個真愛和快樂的機會。 你也許應當去尋求某些正式幫助：
1 ．幫助恢複你的自尊和價值感。
2 ．懂得自己為什麽會被這個女人襲擊，這樣你就不會最終處於另一個虐待關係。
3 ．學會一些行為技巧去對付這些行為。
4 ．幫助你決定是否要結束這種關係；如果你決定結束，支持你渡過難關。
Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.
They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.
Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous. This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.
Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.
Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.
She’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.
You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?
First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.
Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
- Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
- Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
- Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
- Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
- Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
- Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
- Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
- Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
- Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?
If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.
You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:
- Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
- Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
- Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
- Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.
謝謝麗雅姐姐。Halloween是一年中的最甜蜜的夜晚~~
Happy Halloween！！
歡迎翻牆指導~~什麽時候回來呢？
受虐者的覺醒和離開暴力是個較複雜的話題：受害者對暴力的成因和規律的認識不足導致受害者一直在“自我完善”，致使暴力程度越來越嚴重；受害者的心理傷害導致受害者離開暴力的能力降低；受害者誤以為為孩子保存完整家庭等因素都在左右著受害者的決定。
問候麗雅姐姐。
謝林楓mm分享，星期天好！
過獎了，其實找文章的工作量更大；不過也是一個學習提高和甄別良莠的機會
謝謝謄兒喜歡~~
關於女性的文章 or 關於男性的文章, 應該是大同小異。非常讚同你的建議。
再上清茶一杯~~
其實施暴者無論男女，實在很相似，最近我正在翻譯一篇關於異同的文章，真是沒太大區別~`
每一篇關於女性受害者的文章，建議男性受害者閱讀；同樣，每一篇關於男性受害者的文章，也建議女性受害者閱讀
給沙發上的謄兒上茶，慢慢看~~