Random thoughts - Midlife crisis

I have to admit I am not perfectly happy at the moment. And I am looking hard and deep to understand why and how to change it.

 

Recently, I have been obsessed with online novels particularly those love stories set in the time of thousands years ago in China. I crave for more love.  Maybe it is a reflection of my confusion about meaning of life and what really makes me happy. People say that the true happiness comes from inside. Maybe that is true in general. For me, it is tough to find the happiness and maybe satisfaction of life within. I used to have plans. If I am able to reach my goals, I would be happy. Went to the best colleges/graduate schools, check; find a good job, check; find a husband, check; raise a family, check, etc…. Now what should an over 40 years old married woman with kid and a stable job to dream or desire for? Maybe a better job, a more ambitious kid, and sex can be hotter? At the same time, I am settling for the fact that life is not perfect. There is really no "best", only "better" in life.  I am clueless now what should be my goals. 

 

Maybe that is what people call mid life crisis.

 

During the middle of the life, we understand our own limitations. I also know that my determination alone will not assure that I get what I want. Physically, I am losing the energy and curiosity I had when I was at 20s and 30s. Mentally, I am not as courageous and risk-taking now when I have already something I cherish. Maybe those are the barriers to overcome for me to reinvent myself and explore the world around me further.

 

Now, I am still wondering what a normal 40 years old woman should feel and do to feel peace and satisfaction. Also, what about the look, the behaviors, the goals, etc? Chinese put 40s as the age of no confusion and 50s for knowing one's destiny. I am in my 40s going 50s and confused on so many things. Despite the fact that there is a majority view about what age appropriate is, no one defines it for each individual. It is a changing target through time anyway. The change usually starts with one courageous soul followed by many before the whole generation changes. Then, the social standard changes. Change comes small. To start any changes, we all should just do what we want and like as an individual. When we stop finding excuses from others and the external environment about what we can and can not, it certainly make me more me, but would we find more peace or satisfaction within?