老外最精彩的一句話網絡笑話ZT

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help **iling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
12、Women might be able to fake orga**s. But men can fake a whole relati**hip.
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
14、Men have two emoti**: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18、If you think noｂｏｄｙ cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
29、Did you know that dolphins are so **art that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
36、Laugh at your problems, everyｂｏｄｙ else does.
37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
38、A clear c**cience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
40、He who **iles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiari**. To steal from many is research.
45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
47、Crowded elevators **ell different to midgets.
48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
60、My opini** may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
62、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
64、When in doubt, mumble.
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
100、Remember, if you **oke after sex you're doing it too fast.

穀歌翻譯：
1，我要求自行車上帝，但我知道，上帝沒有這樣的。所以我偷了一輛自行車，請求原諒。
2，我想死在我的安眠，像我的祖父..沒有尖叫，就像他的車的乘客大喊大叫。
3，不要和白癡爭論。他會拖你到他的水平和經驗擊敗你。
4，我最想要做的就是傷害你。但是，它仍然在名單上。
5，如果性別是在屁股痛，那麽你就錯了...
6，早起的鳥兒可能會蠕蟲，但第二個老鼠吃到奶酪。
7，我們生活在一個社會裏比薩得到你家在警察。
8，經性別就像打橋牌。如果你沒有一個好的合作夥伴，你最好有一個良好的手。
9，有些人喜歡Slinkies ...沒有真正的好東西，但你不能幫助** iling當你看到一個向下的樓梯跌倒。
10，政治家和尿布，都有一個共同的東西。他們都應該定期更換，並為同樣的原因。
11，戰爭不會決定誰是正確的 - 隻留下誰。
12，婦女也許能假奧爾加第**但是，男人可以偽造一個整體雷拉蒂**臀部。
13，我們從來沒有真正長大了，我們隻能學習如何在公眾的行為。
14，男人有兩個emoti **：饑餓和角質。如果你沒有看到他的勃起，使他成為一個三明治。
15，光比聲音傳播得更快。這就是為什麽有些人會出現明亮，直到你聽到他們說話。
16，我母親叫我從來沒有看到一個兒子的- 1 -母狗的諷刺。
17，我想我想要的職業生涯，原來我隻是想薪水。
18，如果你覺得沒有人關心，如果你活著，請嚐試錯過付款夫婦。
19，性別不是問題的答案。性別是問題。 “是”就是答案。
20日，晚報是他們開始'晚上好'，然後開始告訴你為什麽它不是。
21，怎麽一個不小心比賽就可以開始一個森林火災，但它需要整個框，開始篝火？
22，如果4 5人患有腹瀉...這是否意味著一個人享受呢？
23，知識是知道西紅柿是水果，智慧，不是把它在一個水果沙拉。
24，如果上帝在看著我們，我們至少可以做的是將娛樂性。
25，不要在任何情況下，采取安眠藥，並在同一個晚上瀉藥。
26，我沒有打我的方式向食物鏈的頂端是一個素食主義者
27日，巴士站就是一個公共汽車站。阿火車站一列火車停在那裏。我的桌子上，我有一個工作站.. 28，如果我同意你，我們會都是錯的。
29，你知道，海豚是如此**的藝術，在幾個星期的囚禁，他們可以培養人們站在水池的邊緣，把它們的魚？
30，計算機下棋，贏了我一次，但它不適合我在拳擊比賽。
31，我看到一個女人穿著絨衣與“猜測”它...所以我說：“種植？”
32，兒童：您花了自己一生的最初兩年，教他們走路和說話。然後，你在未來的16年告訴他們坐下來和關閉行動。
33，為什麽有人相信你當你說有4億顆恒星，但是檢查時，你說的油漆是濕的？
34，最好是保持沉默，被認為是傻瓜，除了發言，並刪除所有疑問。
35，銀行是一個地方，會借錢給你，如果你能證明你不需要它。
36，在笑你的問題，大家都知道。
37，在我腦海中的聲音可能不是真實的，但他們有一些很好的想法！
38，一個明顯的ç **新增5Y科學往往是記憶不好的跡象。
39，好女孩是永遠不會讓她的老公不好的女孩。
40，他在危機中誰**爾斯發現有人責怪。
41歲的婦女將永遠不會平等，男人，直到他們能走下來一個光頭街上的啤酒腸，仍然認為自己是性感。
42，脛骨是找到在黑屋子裏的家具設備。
43，最主要的原因是如此快樂的聖誕老人，因為他知道，所有的壞女人生活。
44，要偷一個人的想法是從plagiari **.為了竊取許多是研究工作。
45，部分原因幸福無論身在何處。其他每當他們去。
46，我發現我尖叫同樣的方式，我是否要由一個巨大的白鯊或吞噬了我的腳觸及一塊海藻。
47，擁擠的電梯**得寸進尺不同侏儒。
48，我並沒有說這是你的錯，我說我要責備你。
49，每當我填寫的部分，上麵寫著：“如果是緊急情況，通知申請：”我把“醫生”。什麽是我的母親怎麽辦？
50，上帝必須愛愚蠢的人。他這麽多。
每一個成功的男人背後，51，是他的女人。背後的一個成功的男人通常是屬於另一個女人。
52，我總是隨身攜帶的鹽糧的生活，...再加上檸檬片，...和一杆的龍舌蘭酒。
53，一個孩子的中間名的唯一目的，是讓他可以告訴他時，真的遇到了麻煩。
54，這不是下降，殺死你，它是在最後突然停止。
55，人工智能自然是沒有愚蠢的比賽。
56，不要戴眼鏡的男子襲擊。用棒球棒擊中他。
57，有一個持有人之間的擁抱和一線下來讓他們無法脫身。
58，便宜的東西是你不需要的價格你無法抗拒。
59，千萬不要與人打架醜陋的，他們沒有什麽可輸的。
60，我的opini **可能已經變了，但事實上，我是對的。
61，我的心理醫生告訴我，我瘋了，我說我想要第二個意見。他說，好吧，你太醜陋。
62，一個小男孩問他爸爸：“爸爸，需要多少成本才能結婚呢？”父親回答說，“我不知道，我現在還在交錢。”
63，有人說：“如果你不能打敗他們，加入他們”。我說：“如果你不能打敗他們，打敗他們”，因為他們將期待您加入他們的行列，所以你將會有驚奇的元素。
64，如果有疑問，小聲嘀咕。
65，我打算永遠活著。到目前為止，一切順利。
66，招待費：使你的客人感到在家裏很喜歡他們，即使你想他們。
67，如果你在第一次沒有成功，跳傘是不是你！
68，電視可以侮辱你的智慧，但沒有像電腦中揉它。
69，知識就是力量，而權力腐敗。所以，學習勤奮刻苦，成為邪惡。
70，金錢不能買到幸福，但它肯定使苦難更容易生活在一起。
71，總是從一個悲觀主義者借的錢。不能指望他會回來。
72，擔心工作！ 90％的事情，我擔心不會發生。
73，貞操像soapbubble是，一刺，這是消失了。
74，懷舊已經不是它曾經是。
75，如果有足夠的推力，豬飛得很好。
76，我應該早就知道這是行不通的，我的前妻和我出去。畢竟，我是天秤座，她是個婊子。
77，霍爾馬克卡片：“我沒有你這麽慘，它的。幾乎就像你還在這裏”
78，你永遠到老學到老一些愚蠢的事。
79，阿外交官是誰的人可以告訴你走在這樣一種方式，你會期待著前往地獄。
80，我來這邊之一，真正的大家夥時，他說：“我要與你的臉拖在地上。”我說：“你會後悔的。”他說：“哦，是嗎？為什麽？”我說：“嗯，你將無法進入的角落變得非常好。”
81，有些人聽到的聲音..一些人認為..隱形人其他人沒有任何想象力。
82，我喜歡的工作。它吸引了我。我坐下來看看它幾個小時。
83，我們有足夠的槍支管製。我們需要的是白癡控製。
84，婦女不得衝擊更嚴重，但他們打低。
85，隻要記住...如果世界不吸，我們就全部脫落。
86，耶穌愛你，但是其他人認為你是一個混蛋。
87，我曾經是舉棋不定。現在我不知道。
88，我不相信任何事情，為5天，不出血死亡。
89，如果你牢牢地掌握你的腳在地上，你將有麻煩把你的褲子。
90，要確保準確命中目標，射擊第一，並呼籲不管你擊中目標。
91，你是這麽好的朋友，如果我們在沉船在一起，隻有一個救生衣...我會想念你堆和經常想起你。
92，去教堂不會使你比任何一個基督徒在車庫裏站在更使你的汽車。
93，變化是不可避免的，除了從自動售貨機。
94，如果你都應該學習你的錯誤，為什麽有些人有一個以上的孩子。
95，巴士隻是一種工具，運行速度的兩倍時，你是後，當您在上麵。
96，誰創造了“安靜如鼠”從來沒有在一個階梯。
97，你不需要一個降落傘跳傘。你隻需要一個降落傘跳傘兩次。
98，溫度計之間的口頭和直腸體溫計的區別在於味道。
99，當你想以牙還牙，請記住，消防處通常使用的水。
100，請記住，如果你**奧凱性交後你做太快。

[dede7412]

funny. Transfer to my blog!:)