Chapter 13 : Keeping the Magic of Love Alive

 

 

第十三章     永浴愛河

 

 

        愛情關係的矛盾之一是，我們感受到彼此的愛，但突然卻覺得和配偶之 間有了情緒上的距離，或以沒感情的方式回應他們。也許你可以從下麵的例 子中發現自己的情況：

One of the paradoxes of loving relationships is that when things are going well and we are feeling loved, we may suddenly find ourselves emotionally distancing our partners or reacting to them in unloving ways. Maybe you can relate to some of these examples:

 

     1.你可能覺得十分愛你的配偶，但隔日一早起來，卻對他或她生氣，這使他或她十分困擾。 

I. You may be feeling a lot of love for your partner, and then, the next morning, you wake up and are an noyed and resentful of him or her.

     2.你有愛心、耐心，能接受對方，但第二天，你卻變得愛命令，事事不滿意。

 2. You are loving, patient, and accepting, and then, the next day, you become demanding or dissatisfied.

     3.你無法想象有一天會不愛配偶，但隔天，你卻因爭論而突然想離婚。 

3. You can't imagine not loving your partner, and then, the next day, you have an argument and suddenly begin thinking about divorce.  

  4.你的配偶對你做許多有愛心的事，而你卻對過去他或她忽略你。感到氣憤。 

4. Your partner does something loving for you, and you feel resentful for the times in the past when he or she ignored you.

     5.你被你的配偶深深吸引，卻突然對他或她的外貌感到麻木。 

5. You are attracted to your partner, and then suddenly you feel numb in his or her presence.

     6.你和配偶相處愉悅，卻突然對你們的關係感到不安全或無力爭取你的需求。 

6. You are happy with Your partner and then suddenly feel insecure about the relationship or powerless to get what you need.

     7.你充滿自信，相信你的配偶愛你，卻突然感到絕望與可憐。 

7. You feel confident and assured that your partner loves you and suddenly you feel desperate and needy.

     8.你原來很大方地給予愛，但卻突然變得壓抑、主觀、吹毛求疵、氣憤、或愛控製。 

8. You are generous with your love, and then suddenly you become withholding, judgmental, critical, angry, or controlling.

     9.你的配偶很吸引你，但當他或她作出某種承諾後，你對他或她卻失去注意，或轉而尋找更有吸引力的人。 

9. You are attracted to your partner, and then when he or she makes a commitment you lose your attraction or you find others more attractive.

     10.你想和配偶做愛，但當他或她主動時，你卻不要了。 

I0. You want to have sex with your partner, but when he or she wants it, you don't want it.

     11.你對自己及你的生活感到滿意，但突然覺得自己沒有價值、被遺棄、不完美。 

 II. You feel good about yourself and your life and then, suddenly, you begin feeling unworthy, abandoned, and inadequate.

12.你這天過得很愉快，很想見到配偶，但當你看到他或她時，對方說的一些話使你失望、挫折、冷漠、疲倦或疏離。

I2. You have a wonderful day and look forward to seeing your partner, but when you see him or her, something that your partner says makes you feel disappointed, depressed, repelled, tired, or emotionally distant.

也許你注意到配偶和你有同樣的改變。花片刻時間讀上麵的例子，想想配偶為何會突然失夫愛你的能力。也許你也同時體驗了配偶的改變，夫妻今日相敬如賓，隔日反目成仇的現象是很普遍的。

Maybe you have noticed your partner going through some of these changes as well. Take a moment to reread the above list, thinking about how your partner may suddenly lose his or her ability to give you the love you deserve. Probably you have experienced his or ber sudden shifts at times. It is very common for two people who are madly in love one day to hate each other or fight the very next day.

這些突然的改變令人困惑，但卻很平常。如果我們不了解發生的原因，可能會以為自己瘋了，或誤下斷論為愛情已經死亡了。幸運的是，這種現象是可以解釋的。愛情帶給我們未來的感覺，這天，我們覺得被愛，隔天，我們突然害怕相信愛情。當我們麵對信任接受配偶的愛時，會被拒絕的痛苦又會浮上來。 

These sudden shifts are confusing. Yet they are common. If we don't understand why they happen we may think we are going crazy, or we may mistakenly conclude that our love has died. Fortunately there is an explanation. Love brings up our unresolved feelings. One day we are feeling loved, and the next day we are suddenly afraid to trust love. The painful memories of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting and accepting our partner's love.

 

        不管何時，我們愛自己機被愛時，過去壓抑的感覺會浮上心頭，暫時遮 蔽了我們愛的意識。我們可能突然變得性急、自衛、吹毛求疵、氣憤、愛命令、麻木不仁。 

 Whenever we are loving ourselves more or being loved by others, repressed feelings tend to come up and temporarily overshadow our loving awareness. They come up to be healed and released. We may suddenly become irritable, defensive, critical, resentful, demanding, numb, or angry.

 

        我們感覺很自在時，過去無法表達的感覺又突然浮上心頭，愛情能化解這種壓抑的感覺，我們逐漸地把它釋放到婚姻關係上。 

Feelings that we could not express in our past suddenly flood our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love thaws out our repressed feelings, and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationship.

 

        你的未解決的感覺好像要等到你感受到愛時，才跳出來等待治療。我們都繞著過去未解決的痛苦感覺行走，那感覺在我們體內冬眠，直到我們感受到愛時、它們才冒出來。 

 It is as though your unresolved feelings wait until you are feeling loved, and then they come up to be healed. We are all walking around with a bundle of unresolved feelings, the wounds from our past, that he dormant within us until the time comes when we feel loved. Then, when we feel safe to be ourselves, our hurt feelings come up.

 

        如果能夠好好處理這些感覺，我們會比較快活，潛在的創作力與愛也比較能發揮。但是，如果不治療過去，卻責備對方，隻會令我們更難過，又再一次壓抑自己的感覺。 

 If we can successfully deal with those feelings, then we feel much better and enliven more of our creative, loving potential. If, however, we get into a fight and blame our partner instead of healing our past, we just get upset and then suppress the feelings again.

 

          壓抑的感覺如何出現  

How Repressed Feelings Come Up

 

壓抑的感覺不可能出來說， “嗨，我是你過去未解決的感覺。”如果你童年時被遺棄或被拒絕的感覺出現，你會覺得被配偶遺棄或拒絕。過去的痛苦投射到目前，小事情也會變成大傷害。 

 The problem is that repressed feelings don't come up saying "FL, I am your unresolved feelings from the past." If your feelings of abandonment or rejection from childhood start coming up, then you will feel you are being abandoned or rejected by your partner. The painof the past is projected onto the present. Things that normally would not be a big deal hurt a lot.

 

       數年來，我們一直壓抑痛苦的感覺，有一天，我們戀愛了，愛情使我們覺得有足夠的安全開放自己、感受感覺。於是我們開始感受到過去的痛苦。 

 For years we have suppressed our painful feelings. Then one day we fall in love, and love makes us feel safe enough to open up and become aware of our feelings. Love opens us up and we start to feel our pain.

Why Coupies May Fight During Good rimes

幸福時，為何夫妻還會吵架 

         我們過去的感覺不止在我們戀愛時出現，也在我們感到幸福快樂時出現。此時，一對夫妻原本應是快樂的，卻莫名其妙地吵架了。例如，在以下情況他們可能吵架：搬新家、布置房間、參加孩子畢業典禮、字教慶典、婚禮、收到禮物、度假、搭車，完成計劃、慶祝聖誕節或感恩節、決定改變壞習慣、買新車、換工作、中彩券、賺大錢、決定花大錢，或有愉快的性愛時。

Our past feelings suddenly come up not just when we fall in love but at other times when we are feeling really good, happy, or loving. At these positive times, couples may unexplainably fight when it seems as though they should be happy. For example, couples may fight when they move into a new Home, redecorate, attend a graduation, a religious celebration, or a wedding, receive presents, go on a vacation or car ride, finish a project, celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving, decide to change a negative habit, buy a new car, make a positive career change, win a lottery, make a lot of money, decide to spend a lot of money, or have great love making.

 

在以上所有的這些特殊情況，夫妻雙方或一方可能在事情發生前後或當時突然經曆無可解釋的情緒和反應。

At all of these special occasions one or both partners may suddenly experience unexplained moods and reactions; the upset tends to be either before, during, or right after the occasion. It may be very insightful to review the above list of special occasions and reflect or. how your parents might have experienced these occasions as well as reflect on how you have experienced these occasions in your relationships.

 

九＋/＋理論

THE 90/I0 PRINCIPLE

 

了解過去未解決的感覺會定期出現後，我們就更容易了解為何這麽輕易就被配偶傷害了。我們有百分之九十的難過和過去有關，這使我們想不出為什麽自己會莫名其妙地難過，隻有百分之十的難過是和現在的經驗有關。

 

By understanding how past unresolved feelings periodically surface, it is easy to understand why we can become so easily hurt by our partners. When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about I0 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.

 

讓我們看一個例子：配偶若對我們有批評，我們也會覺得受傷害，但因我們是成人，有能力了解配偶不是真的批評我們，或當配偶是心情不好。這種理解可使批評不致於對我們造成太大的傷害，不會把配偶的批評當成是自己的錯誤。

Let's look at an example. If our partner seems a little critical of us, it may hurt our feelings a little. But because we are adults we are capable of understanding that they don't mean to be critical or maybe we see that they had a bad day. This understanding prevents their criticism from being too hurtful. We don't take it personally.

 

但換一天，配偶的批評就會造成我們很大的傷害。當他們批評時，我們過去的痛苦感覺會漸漸出現，使我們對配偶的批評更敏感，而造成很大的傷害，配偶的批評因引起我們過去的傷害而更加傷害我們。

But on another day their criticism is very painful. On this other day our wounded feelings from the past are on their way up. As a result we are more vulnerable to our partner's criticism. It hurts a lot because as a child we were criticized severely. Our partner's criticism hurts more because it triggers our past hurt as well.

 

小時候，我們了解自己是無辜，父母的否定是他們的問題，但我們卻把所有的批評、拒絕和責罵都視為是個人犯的錯。當這些小時候未解決的問題一出現，我們就容易把配偶講的話當成是批評、拒絕、責罵。 

 As a child we were not able to understand that we were innocent and that our parents' negativity was their problem. In childhood we take all criticism, rejection, and blame personally. When these unresolved feelings from childhood are coming up, we easily interpret our partner's comments as criticism, rejection, and blame. Having adult discussions at these times is hard. Everything is misunderstood.

 

我們對配偶批評的反應，百分之十是來自他們的批評內容，百分之九十則和我們的過去有關。 

 When our partner seems critical, I0 percent of our reaction relates to their effect on us and 90 percent relates to our past.

 

        想象某種東西稍微刺到你的手臂或輕輕碰到你，那不會對你造成大傷害，再想象某種東西刺到你的傷口，那就會使你覺得十分疼痛。同樣，當未解決的感覺出現時，我們對即使很普通的刺傷或碰撞都會很敏感。 

Imagine someone poking your arm a little or gently bumping into you. It doesn't hurt a lot. Now imagine you have an open wound or sore and someone starts poking at it or bumps into you. It hurts much more. In the same way, if unresolved feelings are coming up, we will be overly sensitive to the normal pokes and bumps of relating.

 

         關係初始時，我們也許不太敏感。過去感覺需過一段時間才會出現，但一旦出現，我們對配偶就有不同的反應。 

 In the beginning of a relationship we may not be as sensitive. It takes time for our past feelings to come up. But when they do come up, we react differently to our partners.

 

 In most relationships, 90 percent of what is upsetting to us would not be upsetting if our past unresolved feelings were not coming up.

 

 

     如何互相支持 

 How We Can Support Each Other

 

    男人的過去經驗出現時，他通常會去他的洞穴，此時，他非常感激，需要別人完全的接受，而女人的過去經驗出現時，也就是她自尊崩潰時，她需要溫柔與體貼。 

 When a man's past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He is overly sensitive at those times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman's past comes up is when her self‑esteem crashes. She descends into the well of her feelings and needs tender loving care.

 

        這些觀察可以幫助你控製感覺。如果你對配偶難過，在麵對他或她之前，先把你的感覺寫在紙上。透過寫情書的方法，你的消極感覺會自動放鬆，過去的傷害也會獲得治療。情書可幫助你掌握現在，讓你以更信任、接受、了解與原諒的方式回應配偶。 

 This insight helps you to control your feelings when they come up. If you are upset with your partner, before confronting him or her first write out your feelings on paper. Through the process of writing Love Letters your negativity will be automatically released and your past hurt will be healed. Love Letters help center you in present time so that you can respond to your partner in a more trusting, accepting, understanding, and forgiving way.

 

        了解九十/十理論也可幫助你麵對配偶的激烈反應。知道過去經驗對他或她的影響，會使你更能付出了解與支持。當配偶的過去經驗出現時，不要告訴他們對你的反應過度，否則會更傷害他們，如果你刺中一個人的傷疤，你還會告訴他們反應過度嗎？

 Understanding the 90/I0 principle also helps when your partner is reacting strongly to you. Knowing that he or she is being influenced by the past can help you to be more understanding and supportive.

Never tell your partner, when it appears as though their "stuff" is coming up, that they are overreacting. That just hurts them more. If you poked someone right in the middle of a wound you wouldn't tell them they were overreacting.

 

了解過去的感覺如何出現，使我們更了解配偶為何會有莫名的反應，這是他們治療的過程。給他們一些時間冷靜下來重新整理自己。如果你很難傾聽他們的感覺，就鼓勵他們在談難過感覺之前先給你寫一封情書。 

 Understanding how the feelings of the past come up gives us a greater understanding of why our partners react the way they do. It is part of their healing process. Give them some time to cool off and become centered again. If it is too difficult to listen to their feelings, encourage them to write you a Love Letter before you talk about what was so upsetting.

 

 

       治療信 

 A Healing Letter

        了解你的過去如何影響你的現在反應，可以幫助你治療你的感覺。如果你的配偶在某方麵令你難過，寫一封情書給他，寫時間自己目前的難過和過去的經驗有什麽關係。當你寫信時，過去的記憶可能會出現，而你也會發現實際上你是對父親或母親難過。此時，要繼續寫，但對象是父母，然後附上一封愛的回應信。與你的配偶分享這封信。 

 Understanding how your past affects your present reactions helps you heal your feelings. If your partner has upset you in some way, write them a Love Letter, and while you are writing ask yourself how this relates to your past. As you write you may find memories coming up from your past and discover that you are really upset with your own mother or father. At this point continue writing but now address your letter to your parent. Then write a loving Response Letter. Share this letter with your partner.

 

        他們會喜歡聽你的信。若不了解我們的過去，我們會傾向於責備配偶，或讓配偶覺得被責備。

They will like hearing your letter. It feels great when your partner takes responsibility for the 90 percent of their hurt that comes from the past. Without this understanding of our past we tend toblame our partners, or at least they feel blamed.

    如果你希望配偶更在乎你的感覺，就讓他們體驗你過去的痛苦感覺。寫情書則是讓他們體驗你痛苦的好機會。

If you want your partner to be more sensitive to your feelings, let them experience the painful feelings of your past. Then they can understand your sensitivities. Love Letters are an excellent opportunity to do this.

 

 

 

         難過的理由 

        YOU ARE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASON YOU THINK

 

         當你練習寫情書探討自己的感覺時，你會開始發現難過的理由和你當初想的不一樣。經曆和感受更深的理由後，消極感覺消失了，正如我們會突然被消極感覺所苦，我們也會突然釋放痛苦。以下有些例子： 

 As you practice writing Love Letters and exploring your feelings you will begin to discover that generally you are upset for different reasons than you first think. By experiencing and feeling the deeper reasons, negativity tends to disappear. just as we suddenly can be gripped by negative emotions we can also suddenly release them. These are a few examples:

 

        1.有天早上，吉米醒來就深深被配偶所擾，不管她做什麽都打擾到他，當他寫情書給她時，發現他實際上是難過母親太愛控製他。這種感覺剛剛出現，所以他寫一封短的情書給母親。在寫這封信時，他想象自已覺得愛控製時，實際上已脫離控製。寫完後，他再也不對配偶難過了。 

 I. One morning Jim woke up feeling annoyed with h's partner. Whatever she did disturbed him. As he wrote her a Love Letter he discovered that he was really upset with his mother for being so controlling. These feelings were just coming up, so he wrote a short Love Letter to his mother. To write this letter he imagined he was back when he was feeling controlled. After he wrote the letter suddenly he was no longer upset with his partner.

 

     2.和配偶熱戀數月後，麗莎突然對配偶挑剔了。她寫情書時發現其實自己是害怕不夠格和他在一起，怕他不再對她有興趣。了解了內在恐懼後，她反而能夠再次感受愛。 

2. After months of falling in love, Lisa suddenly became critical of her partner. As she wrote a Love Letter she discovered that she was really feeling afraid that she was not good enough for him and afraid he was no longer interested in hen By becoming aware of her deeper fears she started to feel her loving feelings again.

 

        3.比爾和珍共度了一個浪漫的晚上後的第二天卻吵得不可開交。起因是珍有點不高興他忘了做某些事。比爾沒有先檢討自己，就突然想離婚。稍後他寫情書時，他知道原來自己怕的是被遺棄，他記起小時候父母吵架時，他心中的感受。因此，他寫信給父母，並對配偶湧上愛意。 

3. After spending a romantic evening together, Bill and jean got in a terrible fight the next day. It started when jean became a little angry with him for forgetting to do something. Instead of being his usual understanding self, suddenly Bill felt like he wanted a divorce. Later as he wrote a Love Letter he realized he was really afraid of being left or abandoned. He remembered how he felt as a child when his parents fought. He wrote a letter to his parents, and suddenly he felt loving toward his wife again.

 

     4.蘇珊的丈夫湯姆正在趕工作進度，他回家時，蘇珊極端憤怒。她了解湯姆的工作壓力，但在情緒上仍免不了氣憤。

4. Susan's husband, Tom, was busy meeting a deadline at work. When he came Home Susan felt extremely resentful and angry. One part of her understood the stress he was under, but emotionally she was still angry.

     當她寫情書給湯姆時，發現她是氣憤父親把她單獨留在家裏與有虐特狂的母親相處。小時候，她感到無助與被遺棄，現在這種感覺又出現了，於是她寫信給父親，而且馬上就不再對湯姆生氣了。 

While writing him a Love Letter she discovered that she was angry with her father for leaving her alone with her abusive mother. As a child she had felt powerless and abandoned, and these feelings were again coming up to be healed. She wrote a Love Letter to her father and suddenly she was no longer angry with Tom.

 

        5.瑞雪兒對菲爾深深著迷，菲爾在說愛她並想和她訂婚後，第二天，她的感情馬上改變了。她對他有了一大堆猜疑，熱情也消失了。當她寫情書給他時，她發現她是氣憤父親既被動又傷害她的母親。她寫信給父親後，消極的感覺釋放了，又再度對菲爾著迷。

5. Rachel was attracted to Phil until he said he loved her and wanted to make a commitment. The next day her mood suddenly changed. She began to have a lot of doubts and her passion disappeared. As she wrote him a Love Letter she discovered that she was angry with her father for being so passive and hurting her mother. After she wrote a Love Letter to her father and released her negative feelings, she suddenly felt attracted again to Phil.

 

你開始寫情書時，也許無法每次都體驗到過去的記憶和感覺。但當開放深入自己的感覺時，你會更清楚你所難過的是過去的某些事。 

As you begin practicing Love Letters, you may not always experience past memories and feelings. But as you open up and go deeper into your feelings, it will become clearer that when you are really upset it is about something in your past as well.

 

 

回應遲緩的反應

THE DELAYED REACTION RESPONSE

 

愛情可能會帶來過去未解決的感覺，想獲取所需時也可能碰上這種情況。我第一次有這種經驗是在許多年前，我想和配偶做愛，但她沒心情，我心裏接受了，第二天我不斷暗示，她仍然沒興趣，每天都是這樣。

Just as love may bring up our past unresolved feelings, so does getting what you want. I remember when I first learned about this. Many years ago I had wanted sex from my partner, but she wasn't in the mood. In my mind I accepted that. The next day I hinted around, and she still was not interested. This pattern continued every day.

 

         兩個星期後，我開始生氣了。但那時我不知該如何溝通我的感覺。我沒有說出我的感覺和挫折，反而裝著若無其事。我掩飾了消極感覺，試著表現愛。兩個星期後，我的氣憤持續累積。

By the end of two weeks I was beginning to feel resentful. But at that time in my life I didn't know how to communicate feelings. Instead of talking about my feelings and my frustration I just kept pretending as if everything were OK. I was stuffing my negative feelings and trying to be loving. For two weeks my resentment continued to build.

 

        我心裏雖氣她，但表麵上仍做許多取悅她的事，半個月後我買了一件漂亮的睡衣送給她，那天晚上我要她打開盒子、她打開後非常驚喜，我要她穿上看看，她說沒心情。 

 I did everything I knew to please her and make her happy, while inside I was resenting her rejection of me. At the end of two weeks I went out and bought her a pretty nightgown. I brought it Home and that evening I gave it to her. She opened the box and was happily surprised. I asked her to try it on. She said she wasn't in the mood.

 

        這時我累了，我把性愛忘記。把自己投入工作，放棄對性愛的渴望。我以壓抑氣憤來撫平自己。但又過了兩周後，我下班回來，她已為我準備了浪漫的晚餐，穿著兩周前我送她的睡衣。家裏有淡淡的燈光、輕柔的音樂。 

 At this point I gave up. I just forgot about sex. I buried myself in work and gave up my desire for sex. In my mind I made it OK by suppressing my feelings of resentment. About two weeks later, however, when I came Home from work, she had prepared a romantic meal and was wearing the nightgown I had bought her two weeks before. The lights were low and soft music was on in the background.

 

         你可以想象我的反應。我的憤怒突然湧現，我內心說： “你忍受了四個星期。”四星期以來壓抑的氣憤突然之間出現了。我告訴她的感覺後，我知道她仍樂於給予我所要的，以減輕我過去的憤

 

You can imagine my reaction. All of a sudden I felt a surge of resentment. Inside I felt "Now you suffer for four weeks." All of the resentment that I had suppressed for the last four weeks suddenly was coming up. After talking about these feelings I realized that her willingness to give me what I wanted released my old resentments.

 

配偶突然憤怒時

When Couples Suddenly Fed Their Resentment

 

我開始在其他情況觀察這個模式，也在我診所觀察這個現象。當夫妻一方想改變現狀以求更好時，另一方可能會突然漠不關心也不感激。 

 I began to see this pattern in many other situations. In my counseling practice, I also observed this phenomenon. When one partner was finally willing to make a change for the better, the other would become suddenly indifferent and unappreciative.

 

     當比爾想盡快滿足瑪莉的要求時，瑪莉的反應很氣憤，她說：“太遲了。”或 “那又怎麽樣？” 

 As soon as Bill was willing to give Mary what she had been asking for, she would have a resentful reaction like "Well, it is too late" or "So what."

 

     有些結婚二十年以上的夫妻常常來問我，我們的孩子已長大離開後，突然太太想離婚。先生一朝清醒想有些改變，當他開始改變，給予她等了二十多年的愛時，她的反應是既冷淡又氣憤。 

 Repeatedly I have counseled couples who have been married for over twenty years. Their children have grown up and left Home. Suddenly the woman wants a divorce. The man wakes up and realizes that he wants to change and get help. As he starts to make changes and give her the love she has been wanting for twenty years, she reacts with cold resentment.

 

     好像這二十年是他使她受苦似的，幸好，事情並非無可救藥，他們繼續分享感覺，聽了她的陳述後，已能夠了解她被忽略的感覺，她也逐漸能接受他的改變。這個方式也可適用在當男人想離開、女人想改變時。 

It is as though she wants him to suffer for twenty years just as she did. Fortunately that is not the case. As they continue to share feelings and he hears and und  erstands how she has been neglected, she gradually becomes more his changes. This can also  receptive to go the other way; a man wants to leave and the woman becomes willing to change, but he resists.

 

 

期望過高的危機 

 The Crisis of Rising Expectations

 

        另一個反應遲緩的例子發生在社會層麵，社會學你為期望過高的危機，這發生在約翰遜執政的六○年代，第一次給予少數民族更多權利，結果所有的氣憤、騷動、暴力都爆發了。被封閉的種族情緒突然間釋放了。 

 Another example of the delayed reaction occurs on a social level. In sociology it is called the crisis of rising expectations. It occurred 'm the sixties during the johnson administration. For the first time minorities were given more rights than ever before. As a result there were explosions of anger, rioting, and violence. All of the pent‑up racial feelings were suddenly released.

 

        這是壓抑感覺出現的另一個例子，當少數民族受到更多的支持時，他們的憤怒開始高漲，過去未解決的感覺全部浮上來，同樣的反應也會發生在那些人民受領導者虐待，最終得到自由的國家。 

 This is another example of repressed feelings surfacing. When the minorities felt more supported they felt an upsurge of resentful and angry feelings. The unresolved feelings of the past started coming up. A similar reaction is occurring now in countries where people are finally gaining their freedom from abusive government leaders.

 

 

       為何健康的人也需要輔導 

 WHY healthY PEOPLE MAY NEED COUNSELING

 

        關係越密切，愛情便越增強，結果需要治療的深度痛苦感覺便漸漸湧出，此時我們因不知該如何處理痛苦而踟躕了。 

 As you grow more intimate in your relationships, love increases. As a result, deeper, more painful feelings will come up that need to be healed­deep feelings like shame and fear. Because we generally do

not know how to deal with these painful feelings, we become stuck.

 

       治療痛苦必先分享痛苦，但我們不是害怕就是羞於泄露感覺，而變得沮喪、不安、無聊、氣憤，或精疲力盡。這些是我們過去所隱藏的事出現並受阻時的症狀。 

 To heal them we need to share them, but we are too afraid or ashamed to reveal what we are feeling. At such times we may become depressed, anxious, bored, resentful, or simply exhausted for no apparent reason at all. These are all symptoms of our "stuff" coming up and being blocked.

 

        你的直接反應不是想逃離愛情就是更加沉溺在某些事物上。這是治療你的感覺的時機，不要逃離，請治療師幫忙是明智的決定。 

 Instinctively you will want to either run away from love or increase your addictions. This is the time to work on your feelings and not run away. When deep feelings come up you would be very wise to get the help of a therapist.

 

        我們把出現的內在感覺轉嫁到配偶身上，如果我們向現在或過去的配偶傳達感覺感到不安全，我們就無法在現在的配偶麵前表現感覺，因此，不管你的配偶多麽支持你，你和他或她在一起都不會覺得安全，感覺會受阻。 

 When deep feelings come up, we project our feelings onto our partner. If we did not feel safe to express our feelings to our parents or a past partner, all of a sudden we cannot get in touch with our feelings in the presence of our present partner. At this point, no matter how supportive your partner is, when you are with your partner you will not feel safe. Feelings will be blocked.

 

       有個矛盾論調：你因與配偶在一起覺得安全，所以內在恐懼才有機會浮現，但恐懼一浮現，你便又害怕得不敢分享自己的感覺。你的恐懼可能使你麻木，使你踟躕不前。 

 It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel. Your fear may even make you numb. When this happens the feelings that are coming up get stuck.

 

       有個矛盾論調：你因與配偶在一起覺得安全，所以內在恐具才有機會浮現，但恐懼一浮現，你便又害怕得不敢分享自己的感覺。 

        如果這時你有一名輔導者或治療師幫忙會很有幫助。如你不會把恐懼轉嫁給對方，你可以把浮現的感覺表達出來，但你如果知道隻和配偶在一起，就可能會覺得麻木。 

 This is when having a counselor or therapist is tremendously helpful. When you are with someone you are not projecting your fears on, you can process the feelings that are coming up. But if you are only with your partner, you may feel numb.

 

    這就是為什麽關係很恩愛的人仍然需要治療師幫忙的原因。與支持團體分享，效果也很好，和我們不親密但支持我們的人在一起，是為我們的傷痛打開分享之門。 

 This is why people with even very loving relationships may inevitably need the help of a therapist. Sharing in support groups also has this liberating effect. Being with others whom we don't know intimately but who are supportive creates an opening for our wounded feelings to be shared.

 

       若把未解決的感覺轉嫁給親密的配偶，他或她也無力幫助我們，配偶能做的隻是鼓舞我們獲得支持。了解過去如何繼續影響現在的關係，使我們能接受愛情的潮汐。為了永浴愛河，我們必須適應持續改變的愛情四季。 

When our unresolved feelings are being projected on our intimate partner, he or she is powerless to help us. All our partner can do is encourage us to get support. Understanding how our past continues to affect our relationships frees us to accept the ebb and flow of love. We begin to trust love and its healing process. To keep the magic of love alive we must be flexible and adapt to the ongoing changing seasons of love.

 

 

     愛情四季 

 THE SEASONS OF LOVE

      

婚姻關係就像座花園。想要花草繁盛就必須定時澆水，依不同的季節和不可預測的氣候給予特殊的照顧。同樣，要永浴愛河也必須了解愛情的四季，為愛情的特殊需求勤加灌溉。 

 A relationship is like a garden. If it is to thrive it must be watered regularly. Special care must he given, taking into account the sea­sons as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled. Similarly; to keep t  he magic of love alive we must understand its seasons and nurture love's special needs.

 

       愛情的春天 

 The Springtime of Love

 

        戀愛就像春天，我們覺得好像永遠快樂，無法想象自己會不愛配偶。這是天真無邪的時刻，愛情是永恒的，每件事似乎都很完美、每件工作的完成都不費吹灰之力，和配偶似乎是天生一對，我們融洽地一起跳舞、享受美好時光。 

 Failing in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever. We cannot imagine not loving our partner. It is a time of innocence. Love seems eternal. It is a magical time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Our partner seems to be the perfect fit. We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.

 

        愛情的夏天 

 The Summer of Love

 

        在整個愛情的夏天中，我們知道配偶不如我們想象的完美，我們必須為婚姻關係努力。配偶不止是另一個星球的人，也是會犯錯誤、有缺點的人。 

 Throughout the summer of our love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a human who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways.

 

    挫折與失望提高了，雜草必須連根拔起，烈陽下的植物必須加倍澆水。愛與被愛不再那麽容易。我們發現我們並非永遠快樂，也非永遠都能感受到愛。這現象和我們的愛情圖像不同。 

 Frustration and disappointment arise; weeds need to be uprooted and plants need extra watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give love and get the love we need. We discover that we are not always happy, and we do not always feel loving. It is not our picture of love.

 

        許多夫妻的愛情在這時破滅了，他們不願意為婚姻關係效力、隻是不切實際地期待永遠都是春天；他們譴責配偶，放棄努力；他們不知道愛情並非永遠是那麽輕而易得，有時需在烈日下辛苦工作才會有結果。在愛情的夏天裏，我們必須灌溉配偶的需求和向對方要求我們需要的愛。良好的婚姻關係不是天生的。 

Many couples at this point become disillusioned. They do not want to work on a relationship. They unrealistically expect It to be spring all the time. They blame their partners and give up. They do not realize that love is not always easy; sometimes it requires hard work under a hot sun. In the summer season of love, we need to nurture our partner's needs as well as ask for and get the love we need. It doesn't happen automatically.

 

 

        愛情的秋天 

 The Autumn of Love

 

        夏天辛勤照顧花園的結果，我們豐收了。秋天來了，這是個黃金季節——豐富且滿足。我們因了解與接受配偶和我們一樣不完美，而體驗了成熟的愛。這是感恩與分旱的時刻，夏天辛苦的工作使我們能輕鬆享受我們創造的愛。 

 As a result of tending the garden during the summer, we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall has come. It is a golden time‑rich and fulfilling. We experience a more mature love that accepts and understands our partner's imperfections as well as our own. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing. Having worked hard during summer we can relax and enjoy the love we have created.

 

       愛情的冬天 

 The Winter of Love

       氣候再轉變時，冬天來了。在這寒冷、貧瘠的日子裏，一切都自然回複它的寂靜。這是休息、反省、更新的時刻。我們的關係在此時經曆了未解決的痛苦或隱藏的自己，當我們閉上眼睛，痛苦就浮現，這是自我尋找愛與滿足的孤獨成長時刻，也是治療時刻、也是男人去洞穴冬眠、女人沉入波浪之 底的時刻。 

 Then the weather changes again, and winter comes. During the cold, barren months of winter, all of nature pulls back within itself. It is a time of rest, reflection, and renewal. This is a time in relationships when we experience our own unresolved pain or our shadow self. It is when our lid comes off and our painful feelings emerge. It is a time of solitary growth when we need to look more to ourselves than to our partners for love and fulfillment. It is a time of healing. This is the time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells.

 

        在黑暗的冬天愛與治療自己後，春天又回來了。我們再次接受到希望、愛與無限可能的祝福。我們因冬天的之旅做了內在治療與心裏追尋，而更能放開心胸，感受愛情的春天。 

 After loving and healing ourselves through the dark winter of love, then spring inevitably returns. Once again we are blessed with the feelings of hope, love, and an abundance of possibilities. Based on the inner healing and soul searching of our wintery journey, we are then able to open our hearts and feel the springtime of love.

 

 

        成功的婚姻關係 

 SUCCESSFUL relationshipS

 

        學習增進溝通的方法與在婚姻關係中獲取所需後，你已對成功的婚姻關係有了萬全的準備。你有足夠的理由對自己充滿希望，你會對愛情的四季適應得很好。 

 After studying this guide for im' proving communication and getting what you want in your relationships, you are well prepared for having successful relationships. You have good reason to feel hopeful for yourself. You will weather well through the seasons of love.

 

        我目睹成千上萬的夫妻在一夜之間改變他們的關係。他們星期六來參加我的婚姻關係研討會，星期日晚餐時，就和好如初了。運用你閱讀本書得到的觀察與謹記男人從火星來，女人從金星來，你也會得到相同的成功。 

 I have witnessed thousands of couples transform their relationships‑some literally overnight. They come on Saturday of my weekend relationship seminar and by dinnertime on Sunday they are ill love again. By applying the insights you have gained through reading this book and by remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus you will experience the same success.

 

        但我要鄭重告訴你，愛情是有季節性的。春天，愛情很容易；夏天，愛情很艱辛；秋天，你感到豐收與滿足；冬天，你感到空虛。 

 But I caution you to remember that love is seasonal. In spring It is easy, but in summer it is hard work. In autumn you may feel very generous and fulfilled, but in winter you will feel empty. The information you need to get through summer and work on your relationship is easily forgotten. The love you feel in fall is easily lost In winter.

 

        在愛情的夏天時，凡是困難，你沒有得到你要的愛，突然你會很快忘掉這本書教給你的每件事；你可能開始譴責配偶，忘了如何灌溉他們的需要。 

 In the summer of love, when things get difficult and you are not getting the love you need, quite suddenly you may forget everything you have learned in this book. In an instant it is all gone. You may begin to blame your partner and forget how to nurture their needs.

 

        冬天的空虛一來，你可能覺得一切毫無希望；你可能責備自己，忘了如何愛與滋潤自己；你可能懷疑自己與配偶；可能變得玩世不恭，想放棄一切。這是周期的一部分，黎明之前總是最黑暗。

 When the emptiness of winter sets in, you may feel hopeless. You may blame yourself and forget how to love and nurture yourself. You may doubt yourself and your partner. You may become cynical and feel like giving up. This is all a part of the cycle. It is always darkest before the dawn.

 

 

        想獲得成功的婚姻關係，必須接受與了解愛情有不同的季節。愛情有時流暢，有時需努力，就像我們的心有時充實有時空虛一樣。我們不該期待配偶永遠愛我們或記得如何愛我們，我們也必須了解自己，不要期待自己記得所學過的愛人的每一件事。 

 To be successful in our relationships we must accept and understand the different seasons of love. Sometimes love flows easily and automatically; at other times it requires effort. Sometimes our hearts are full and at other times we are empty. We must not expect our partners to always be loving or even to remember how to be loving. We must also give ourselves this gift of understanding and not expect to remember everything we have learned about being loving.

 

        學習的過程不隻需要傾聽與運用，也需要忘記與再次記得。從這本書裏，你學到了配偶無法教你的事，他們不了解的你已了解了，請實在一點，允許你自己犯錯，你所得到的觀念也會暫時被忘掉一段時間。 

 The process of learning requires not only hearing and applying but also forgetting and then remembering again. Throughout this book you have learned things that your parents could not teach you. They did not know. But now that you know, please be realistic. Give yourself permission to keep making mistakes. Many of the new insights you have gained will be forgotten for a time.

 

        教育理論說學一樣新事物，必須重複聽兩百次，我們不能期待自己 （或配偶）記住本書所有的新觀念，我們必須有耐心，感激本書所提的每一小步。將本書的觀念融入你的生活必須花一段時間。

 Education theory states that to learn something new we need to hear it two hundred times. We cannot expect ourselves (or our partners) to remember all of the new insights in this book. We must be patient and appreciative of their every little step. It takes time to work with these ideas and integrate them into your life.

 

     我們不隻要重複聽兩百次，也必須拋棄過去所學的。學習如何擁有成功的婚姻關係，我們不能像天真的孩子般被父母、文化、過去的痛苦經驗牽著鼻子走。建立新的愛情婚姻關係是項新的挑戰，你是個拓荒者，在新的疆域旅行，有時你會迷失，有時配偶會迷失。利用本書提供的方法為指南，不斷引導你到未經測量的領土。 

 Not only do we need to hear it two hundred times but we also need to unlearn what we have learned in the past. We are not innocent children learning how to have successful relationships. We have been programmed by our parents, by the culture we have grown up in, and by our own painful past experiences. Integrating this new wisdom of having loving relationships is a new challenge. You are a pioneer. You are traveling in new territory. Expect to be lost sometimes. Expect your partner to he lost. Use this guide as a map to lead you through uncharted lands again and again.

 

       下次你因共性而感到挫折時，謹記男人從火星來，女人從金星來，就算你忘了本書所談的，隻要記住男女原本不同，就可幫助你更有愛心。不斷減輕你的主觀和譴責，持續要求你想要的，可促進你需要且應得的愛情關係。 

 Next time you are frustrated with the opposite sex, remember men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Even if you don't remember anything else from this book, remembering that we are supposed to be different will help you to be more loving. By gradually releasing your judgments and blame and persistently asking for W at you want, you can create the loving relationships you want, need, and deserve.

 

        你的未來充滿了期待，祝福你繼續在愛情與光明中成長。謝謝你讓我對你的生活有所幫助。 

You have a lot to look forward to. May you continue to grow in love and light. Thank you for letting me make a difference in your fife

 

Acknowledgments

 

I thank my wife, Bonnie, for sharing the journey of developing this book with me. I thank her for allowing me to share our stories and especially for expanding my understanding and ability to honor the female point of view.

 

I thank our three daughters, Shannon, Julie, and Lauren, for their continued love and appreciation. The challenge of being a parent has allowed me to understand the struggles my parents had and love them even more. Being a father has especially assisted me in understanding and loving my father.

 

I thank my father and mother for their loving efforts to raise a family of seven children. I thank my oldest brother, David, for understanding my feelings and admiring my words. I thank my brother Williarn for motivating me to higher achievements. I thank my brother Robert for all the long and interesting conversations we had until dawn and for his brilliant ideas, from which I always benefit. I thank my brother Tom for his encouragement and positive spirit. I thank my sister Virginia for believing in me and appreciating my seminars. I thank my deceased younger brother Jimmy for his love and admiration, which continue to support me through my difficult times.

 

I thank my agent Patti Breitman, whose help, brilliant creativity, and enthusiasm have guided this book from its conception to its completion. I thank Carole Bidnick for her inspired support at the beginning of this project. I thank Susan Moldow and Nancy Peske for their

expert feedback and advice. I thank the staff at HarperCollins for their continued responsiveness to my needs.

 

I thank all the thousands who participated in my relationship serninars, shared their stories, and encouraged me to write this book. Their positive and loving feedback has supported me in developing this simple presentation of such a complex subject.

 

I thank my clients who have shared their struggles so intimately and trusted my assistance in their journey.

 

I thank Steve Martineau for his skillful wisdom and influence, which can be found sprinkled through this book.

 

I thank my different promoters, who have put their hearts and souls into producing the john Gray relationship Seminars where this material was tried, tested, and developed: Elley and Ian Coren in Santa Cruz; Debra Mudd, Gary and Helen Francell in Honolulu; Bill and Judy Elbring in San Francisco; David Obstfeld and Fred Kliner in Washington, D.C.; Elizabeth Kling in Baltimore; Clark and Dottie Bartell in Seattle; Michael Najarian in Phoenix; Gloria Manchester in L.A.; Sandee Mac in Houston; Earlene Carrillo in Las Vegas; David Farlow in San Diego; Bart and Merril Jacobs in Dallas; and Ove Johliansson and Ewa Martensson in Stockholm.

 

I thank Richard Cohen and Cindy Black at Beyond Words Publishing for their loving and genuine support of my last book, Men, Women, and Relationsbips, which gave birth to the ideas in this book.

 

I thank john Vestman at Trianon Studios for his expert audio recordings of my whole seminar and Dave Morton and the staff of Cassette Express for their continued appreciation of this material and their quality service.

 

I thank the members of my men's group for sharing their stories, and I especially thank Lenney Eiger, Charles Wood, Jacques Early, David Placek, and Chris Johns, who gave me such valuable feedback for editing the manuscript.

 

I thank my secretary, Arlana, for efficiently and responsibly taking over the office during this project.

 

I thank my lawyer (and adopted grandfather of my children), Jerry Riefold, for always being there.

 

I thank Clifford McGuire for his continued friendship of twenty years. I could not ask for a better sounding board and friend.