Chapter 8 : Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs

第八章  男女不同的感情需求

男人與女人通常都沒有意識到他們有不同的感情需求，所以不知道該如何彼此支持，男人通常隻是給他們想給的，女人也給她們想給的，兩方麵都誤以為對方的需求和由自己相同，結果兩人都不滿意、不高興。

Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.

 

男女雙方都覺得他們不停的給與，卻沒得到回報，他們覺得自己的愛沒有被發現、被感激，事實上是他們都給了愛，但都不是對方需要的。

Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner.

 

譬如，女人認為她問很多關心的問題或表達關心是一種愛的表現，正如先前所討論的，這會造成男人的困擾，他可能會覺得中自己受控製而想要逃開，而她則感到迷惑，因為如果人家這樣對待她，她會很感激，她不知道自己表達愛的方式反而是最令他困擾的。

For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she were offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying.

 

相同的，男人以為他們是在表現愛，但他們表達愛的方式卻令女人覺得不被認同與支持，譬如在配偶難過時，他以評論減化她問題的嚴重性來表現愛與支持，他可能會說：“別擔心，這沒什麽大不了的。”或者他認為要給她很多“空間”，讓她冷靜下來進入她的洞穴。他的支持方式，使她覺得自己微不足道、沒有被愛、受到漠視。

Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say "Don't worry, It's not such a big deal." Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of‑‑­space"to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is support makes ber feel minimized, unloved, and ignored.

 

如果不洞察男女需求的不同、不了解女人在難過時，需要的是被傾聽與被了解，男人就無法了解為什麽女人不接受他的幫助。

As we have already discussed, when a woman Is upset she needs to be heard and understood. W'thout this insight into different male and female needs, a mail doesn't understand why his attempts to help fall.

 

 

十二種愛的需求

THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE

 

當我們需要愛時，便需整理自己複雜的感情。男女都有六種同等重要的愛情需求，男人基本上需要信任、接受、感激、讚美、肯定和鼓勵；女人基本上需要關心、了解、尊重、忠誠、認同和安慰。充分了解這十二種不同的愛，才能擔負滿足伴侶需求的重大工作。

Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally, important. Men primarily need trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily, need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous task of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these twelve different kinds of love.

 

檢閱以下的明細表，可以協助你看出為何你的伴侶感受不到你的愛。最重要的是，當你不知該如何對待異性時，這張表可直接增進你們的關係。

By reviewing this list you can easily see why, your partner may not feel loved. And most important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships with the opposite sex when you don't know what else to do.

 

The Primary love Needs of Women and Men

 

Here are the different kinds of love listed side by side:

 

女人需要感受到　　男人需要感受到

Women need to receive      Men need to receive

 

．關心　　                   ．信任

        I. Caring                       I. Trust

．了解　　                   ．接受

        2. Understanding            2. Acceptance

．尊重　　                   ．感激

        3. Respect                      3. Appreciation

．寵愛　                   　．讚美

        4. Devotion                   4. Admiration

．認同　　                   ．肯定

        5. Validation                  5. Approval

．安慰　                       ．鼓勵

        6. Reassurance               6. Encouragement

 

 

 

了解你的基本需要

Understanding Your Primary Needs

 

每一個人最終都需要這十二種愛。這裏列出女人基本的六種愛情需求，並非表示男人就不需要這些，男人也需要關心、了解、尊重、忠誠、認同和安慰，但所謂“基本需求”是指，在能接受及感激其他類型的愛之前，必須先滿足基本需求。

Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love primarily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. What Is meant by "primary need" is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

 

　　在能完全接受及感激其他類型的愛之前，必須先滿足基本需求。

　　

男人必須在自己的需求被滿足後，才能容納及感激女人的六種愛情需求；同樣的，女人也需要信任、接受、感激、讚美、肯定和鼓勵，但她必須先能滿足自己的基本需要，才會真正重視及感激另外這六種愛的表現方式。了解伴侶的基本需要是增進關係的強力秘方，記得男人從火星來可幫助你接受，男人有不同的愛情基本需要。

A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love primarily needed by women (caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance) when his own primary needs are first fulfilled. Likewise a woman needs trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. But before she can truly value and appreciate these kinds of love, her primary needs first must be fulfilled.

Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for improving relationships on Earth. Remembering that men are from Mars will help you remember and accept that men have different primary love needs.

 

　　

女人容易給與她需要的，而忘記她最愛的火星人可能需要別的東西；同樣的，男人會傾向於注意他們所需的，而忘記遵循事實：他們所需的愛並不適合或不能支持他們最愛的金星人。

It's easy for a woman to give what she needs and forget that her favorite Martian may need something else. Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that the kind of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their favorite Venusian.

 

這個愛情新詮釋最有用、最實用的概念是：這些不同的愛情表現其實是互惠的，譬如，當男人表達他的關心與了解時，女人會由自動回饋他需要的信任與接受；當女人傳達信任時，也有同樣效果男人會自動回饋她所需要的關心。

The most powerful and practical aspect of this new understanding of love is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a Martian expresses his caring and understanding, a Venusian automatically begins to reciprocate and return to him the trust and acceptance that he primarily needs. The same thing happens when a Venusian expresses her trust‑a Martian automatically will begin to reciprocate with the caring she needs.

 

接下來以實用的方式闡明這十二種愛，揭露它們之間的互惠功能。

In the following six sections we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms and reveal their reciprocal nature.

 

一、她需要關心，他需要信任。

I. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust

當男人對女人的感覺表示興趣、關心她的幸福時，她會覺得被愛、被關心。如果他因此而讓她覺得很特殊，他就已成功地滿足了她的第一個基本需要，這樣她自然而然會更信任他，變得更開放、更有包容力。

When a man shows interest in a woman's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well‑being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she becomes more open and receptive.When a woman's attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted.

信任男人就是相信他會盡其所能給伴侶最美好的一切。當女人對男人的能力和意向透露出積極的信念時，他的第一個基本愛情需要就被滿足了，因此他自然會更關心和注意她的感覺和需要。

To trust a man Is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a woman's reactions reveal a positive belief in her man's abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs.

 

二、她需要了解，他需要接受。

2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance

男人如果能不加判斷，感同身受地傾聽女人傳達感覺，她會覺得自己被愛與了解。正確的了解態度是不對原已知道的個人想法或感覺預設立場，而是搜集他所聽到的意思，進而確認彼此正在溝通的事。女人被傾聽與被了解的需求愈得到滿足，她就愈能輕鬆給與男人所需要的接納。

When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An understanding attitude doesn't presume to already know a person's thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated. The rnore a woman's need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.

女人以愛來接納男人，不試著去改變他，就使他有被接受的感覺。接受的態度是不拒絕，這不是指女人相信他很完美，而是指她不試圖改變他，她相信他自己有能力改進。男人一旦覺得自己被接受，他就會很樂於傾聽，給與對方所需要與應得的了解。

When a woman lovingly' receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is being favorably received. It does not mean the woman believes he is perfect but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that she trusts him to make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.

 

三、她需要尊重，他需要感激。

3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation

如果男人能認知和優先考慮她的權利、願望和需求，她會覺得自己受到尊重。以送花或記得結婚周年慶的方式，表示尊重是滿足女人第三個基本需要的必要手段。若她能感到受尊重，就能輕易表達出男人需要的感激。

When a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behavior takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respect, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman's third primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation that he deserves.

當女人因男人的努力與表現而受益和感到個人價值時，男人同時也會覺得自己受到感激。感激是被支持時的自然反應。男人感受到感激，就知努力沒有白費，而會因此付出更多，也更主動尊重伴侶。

When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man's efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported. When a man is appreciated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to Ove more. When a man is appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his partner more.

 

四、她需要專注，他需要讚美。

4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration

當男人優先滿足女人的需求，並驕傲地承諾自己會支持她、滿足她時，她的第四個愛的基本要求就得到滿足了。女人因受寵愛與特殊對待而感到幸福洋溢。男人若將女伴的感受與需求看得比自己的興趣如工作、讀書、娛樂重要，他就能滿足她的被愛需求。女人若感受到他將她視為生命中的第一順位，她會欣喜地崇拜他。

When a man gives priority to a woman's needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfills her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests‑like work, study, and recreation. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life then, quite easily, she admires him.

正如女人需要男人的專寵一般，男人也需要女人的讚美。讚美男人就是以驚奇、喜悅、肯定來尊重他。她如果因他的特質或才幹而驚喜，男人就會覺得受到讚美，這些特質或才幹包括：幽默、力量、毅力、正直、誠實、浪漫、仁慈、愛心、善解人意和其他所謂的傳統品德。如果男人能受到讚美，他會很安心向她獻出忠誠與寵愛她。

Just as a woman needs to feel a man's devotion, a man has a primary need to feel a woman's admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, and other socalled old‑fashioned virtues. When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.

 

五、她需要認同，他需要肯定。

5. She Hods Validation and He Needs Approval

 

當男人不與女人的感覺和需求反抗或爭辯反而加以認同時，女人的第五個基本需求就完成了。男人的認同態度堅定女人去感受的權利(謹記，男人可以認同女人的觀點，但也可保有自己的觀點)。男人若能讓女人知道他的認同態度，他必可得到受肯定的基本需要。

When a man does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. A man's validating attitude confirms a woman's right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs.

 

男人內心都想成為他心目中女人的英雄或身披閃亮盔甲的武士，她的肯定就是他已完成考驗的訊號。女人的肯定態度確認了男人的良善，也表達了對他的滿意(謹記，肯定男人並非意味讚同他的想法、做法)。肯定的態度是在尋找或承認他行為背後的充分理由，當他得到他所需要的肯定時，他就能認同她的感覺。

Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman's hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman's approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesn't always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.

 

六、她需要安慰，他需要鼓勵。

6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement

當男人反覆表現關心、了解、尊重、認同、專注時，女人求取再次保證的需求就被滿足了。男人安慰的態度使女人相信她一直是被愛的。

When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands, respects, validates. and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved.

 

男人通常誤以為他隻要滿足她所有愛的基本需求，使她感覺快樂、安全，她就會相信他永遠愛她，其實不然，為了滿足她的第六項基本需求，他必須記得要不斷安慰她。

A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman's primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.

 

　　男人通常誤以為他隻要滿足她所有愛的基本需求，使她感覺快樂、安全，她就會相信他永遠愛她。

　　

相同的，男人也要靠女人的鼓勵才能滿足基本需要。女人的鼓勵態度使男人有勇氣將信心表現在能力和人格上。女人表達出來的信任、接受、感激、讚美和肯定，都可以鼓勵男人勇往直前。鼓勵可以激發他給與她所需要的安慰。

Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman A woman's encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence m his abilities and character When a woman's attitude expresses mist, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs.

　　

男人滿足了這六項基本愛情需求後，他會把最好的一麵表現出來，但如果女人不知道他的基本需求，以關心代替信任，就可能會在不知不覺間破壞兩人的關係，下個故事正是這個例證。

The best comes out in a man when h's six primary love needs are fulfilled. But when a woman doesn't know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. This next story exemplifies this point.

  

身披閃亮盔甲的武士

THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

 

男人的內心都有一個英雄或身披閃亮盔甲的武士，他想盡力保護他所愛的女人並為她服務。當他受到信任時，就有可能表現出他最高貴的一麵，變得更體貼；但當他感受不到信任、失去活力與力量時，他會馬上停止體貼的行為。

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.

 

一個身披盔甲的武士旅經鄉間，突然在街上聽到女人的哭泣，他馬上會精力充沛策馬飛奔，奔向她的城堡，她正被一隻野獸困住了。勇敢的武士拔劍刺殺野獸，結果公主接受了他。

Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.

 

城堡之門打開了，公主的家人和全鎮的人民都歡迎他，為他慶祝。他受邀住在城中，人民視他為英雄。他和公主戀愛了。

As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.

 

一個月後，武士又出去旅行，回來時，聽到他的愛人公主哭泣求救，另一隻野獸正襲擊城堡。武士抵達時，又拔劍要刺殺野獸。

A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.

 

在他跨出步伐前，公主從城堡裏哭喊：“別用劍，用繩子比較好。”

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "Don't use your sword, use this noose. It will work better."

 

她丟給他繩子，又好像在示範他該如何使用。他猶豫不決地跟從她的指示，將繩子套上了野獸的頸子，然後用力拉。野獸死了，每個人都很高興。慶祝晚會上，武士覺得自己並沒有立下功勞，因為他用的是她的繩子，而不是自己的劍，他覺得承受不起全鎮人民的信任和讚美，他也覺得沮喪而忘了擦亮自己的盔甲。

She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor

 

一個月後，他又去旅行，隨手帶著劍，公主叮嚀他多保重，並把繩子交給他。他回來時，又看到一隻野獸攻擊城堡，他馬上拔劍往前衝，心裏卻想著，也許可以用繩子，正在猶豫不決時，野獸向他吐火，燒傷他的右臂，他困擾地望向窗口，公主站在窗前向他揮手。

A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way Home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window.

 

她大叫：“繩子沒用了，用這包毒藥。”

"Use the poison," she yells. "The noose doesn't work."

 

她把毒藥丟給他。他把毒藥倒入野獸的嘴裏，野獸立刻死掉。人人欣喜慶祝，但武士卻引以為恥。

She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.

 

一個月後，他又去旅行。隨身帶著他的劍，公主叮嚀他凡事小心，並要他帶著繩套與毒藥。她的建議使他困擾，但還是把繩套和毒藥放在行囊裏。

A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

 

在旅途的某條街上，他聽到另一個女人的哭泣，他衝去解救她時，心中的沮喪已完全消除，他重新充滿了自信與活力。但在拔劍刺殺野獸時又猶豫起來，他不知道該用劍？用繩套？還是用毒藥？公主會建議他用什麽？

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his Depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, Should I use my sword, the noose, or the poison? What would the princess say?

 

他困惑了好一會兒，隨即他回憶起尚未遇見公主前，身上隻帶著劍的情形。他重新建立自信，丟掉繩套和毒藥，以他信任的劍來對付野獸。最後，他刺殺了野獸，城民都歡欣鼓舞。於是，身披閃亮盔甲的武士再也沒有回到公主身邊，他留在這個城鎮過著快樂的日子。後來他結婚了，但在結婚之前，他確信他的伴侶不知道關於繩套和毒藥的事。

For a moment he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.

 

牢記每個男人的內在都是一個身披閃亮盔甲的武士，有助於你記得男人的基本需求。雖然男人很感謝你的關懷與幫忙，但有時太多的關懷和幫忙，反而使他信心驟減。

Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

 

你可能在無意中拒絕了伴侶

NOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER

 

Mistakes women c~ make ~g doesn't fed loved

 

男女若不知道對方在乎的事，可能會彼此傷害。我們常可以看到男女不僅以反效果的方式在溝通，並且還常常拒絕對方。

Without an awareness of what is important for the opposite sex, men and women don't realize how much they may be hurting their partners. We can see that both men and women unknowingly cornmunicate in ways that are not only counterproductive but may even be a turnoff.

 

男人在沒有得到他們所要的愛情基本需求時，會很容易受到傷害。女人通常不知道她們溝通的方式不但沒支持男人，反而還傷害了他們的自負；她可能試著去了解他的感覺，但因他的基本需要與她不同，所以她無法直接幫助他。

Men and women get their feelings hurt most easily when they do not get the kind of primary love they need. Women generally don't realize the ways they communicate that are unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego. A woman may try to be sensitive to a man's feelings, but because his primary love needs are different from hers, she doesn't instinctively anticipate his needs.

 

女人若能了解男人的愛情基本需求，就更能掌握他不滿的原因。以下是女人對男人的愛情基本需求最常犯的錯誤溝通。

Through understanding a man's primary love needs, a woman can be more aware and sensitive to the sources of his discontent. The following is a list of common communication mistakes women make in relation to a man's primary love needs.

 

 

        I. She tries to improve his behav‑             I. fie feels unloved because she

        ior or help him by offering                      doesn't trust him anymore.

        unsolicited advice.

        2. She tries to change or control his                      2. He feels unloved because she

        behavior by sharing her upset or              doesn't accept him as he is.

        negative feelings. (It is OK to share

        feelings but not when they attempt

        to manipulate or punish.)

 

Mistakes wow c~ make Wh S doesn't feel loved

 

        3. She doesn't acknowledge what              3. He feels taken for granted and

        he does for her but complains                  unloved because she doesn't appre­

        about what he has not done.                     ciate what he does.

        4. She corrects his behavior and               4. fie feels unloved because he

        tells him what to do, as if he                    does not feel admired.

        were a child.

        5. She expresses her upset feelings                       5. He feels unloved because he

        indirectly with rhetorical questions                       feels she has taken away her

        like "How could you do that                    approval of him. He no longer

                    feels like the good guy.

        6. When he makes decisions or                6. He feels unloved because she

        takes initiatives she corrects or                 does not encourage him to do

        criticizes him.                things on his own.

 

男人也和女人一樣會犯同樣的錯誤。他們通常不知道自己的溝通方式很不尊重與支持女人，男人可能知道她對他生氣，但除非他了解她的需求與沒感受到愛的原因，否則他便無法改變自己的溝通方式。

Just as women easily make mistakes when they don't understand what men primarily need, men also make mistakes. Men generally don't recognize the was s they communicate that are d srespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she is unhappy with him, but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what she needs he cannot change his approach. Through understanding a woman's primary needs, a man can be more sensitive to and respectful of her needs. The following is a list of communication mistakes men make in relation to a woman's primary emotional needs.

 

Mistakes men make W_ h she doesn't feel loved

 

        I. He doesn't listen, gets easily                 I. She feels unloved because he is

        distracted, doesn't ask interested               not attentive or showing that he

        or concerned questions.               cares.

Mistakes men "c Why she ~I fed loved

 

        2. He takes her feelings literally               2. She feels unloved because he

        and corrects her. He thinks                      doesn't understand her.

        she is asking for solutions so he

        gives advice.

        3. He listens but then gets angry               3. She feels unloved because he

        and blames her for upsetting him             doesn't respect her feelings.

        or for bringing him down.

        4. He minimizes the importance of                       4. She feels unloved because he is

        her feelings and needs. He                       not devoted to her and doesn't

        makes children or work more                  honor her as special.

        important.

        5. When she is upset, he explains             5. She feels unloved because he

        why he is right and why she                    doesn't validate her feelings but

        should not be upset.                    instead makes her feel wrong and

                    unsupported.

        6. After listening he says nothing             6. She feels insecure because she

        or just walks away.                     doesn't get the reassurance she

                    needs.

 

男人若能了解女人的基本需求，他就比較能掌握她的需求。

 

 

當愛情失敗時

WHEN LOVE FAILS

 

人們因直覺地給與他們認為對方所要的，所以愛情常常失敗。女人會主動關心了解男人，因為她們的基本愛情需求就是被關心、被了解，但男人常會把這種關心的支持視為她不信任他。他的基本需求是受信任而不是受照顧。

Love often fads because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman's primary love needs are to be cared for, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn't mist him. Being trusted is his primary need, not being m‑ed for

 

然後，如果他沒有積極回應她的關心，她就無法理解為何他不感激她的支持。當然，他也給與對方自認為愛的方式，而這卻不是她需要的，因此他們陷入了一連串無法滿足彼此的失敗中。

Then, when he doesn't respond positively to her caring she can't understand why he doesn't appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn't what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other's needs.

 

貝絲解釋：“我無法隻給與而沒有回收。亞瑟不感激我所給他的。我愛他，但他不愛我。”

Beth complained, saying, " I )ust can't keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn't appreciate what I give. I love him, but he doesn't love me."

 

亞瑟解釋：“我從來沒把事情做好，我不知道該做什麽，無論我怎麽努力，她還是不愛我，我愛她，但一點用也沒有。”

Arthur complained, saying, "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything and she still doesn't love me. I love her, but it's just not working."

 

貝絲和亞瑟結婚八年了。他們因為沒有感受到愛，幾乎想要放棄這個婚姻。有趣的是，他們都認為他們給與的比回收的多。貝絲相信她付出很多，亞瑟覺得他付出的更多，事實上，他們兩人都有付出，但都沒有得到他們想要或需要的。

Beth and Arthur have been married for eight years. They both felt like giving up because they didn't feel loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be giving more love than they were getting back. Beth believed she was giving more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In truth they were both giving, but neither was getting what they wanted or needed.

 

他們彼此相愛，但因不了解伴侶的基本需求，所以愛情無法傳達。貝絲給與她想收到的，亞瑟給與他想要的，結果兩人都精疲力盡。

They did love each other, but because they didn't understand their partner's primary needs their love wasn't getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive while Arthur was giving what he wanted. Gradually they burned out.

 

許多人在關係發生困難時就放棄了愛情。如果我們能了解伴侶的基本需求，就比較容易維持彼此的關係。給與對方所需要的，可幫助我們免於事倍功半、精疲力盡。這十二種愛的不同基本需求使我們了解尢什麽愛情會失敗。為了滿足你的伴侶，你必須學習如何給與對方所需的愛情基本需求。

Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. relationships become easier when we understand our partner's primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not bum out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains why our sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.

 

 

男人學習心平氣和傾聽

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

 

男人可以成功的滿足女人基本愛情需求的第一方式是溝通。正如先前所說，在女人的世界裏，溝通特別重要，男人由學習傾聽女人的感覺，可以有效的表現關心、了解、尊重、專注、認同與安慰。

The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is through communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly Important on Venus. By learning to listen to a woman's feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

 

男人傾聽女人時的最大問題是容易沮喪或生氣，因尢他們忘記女人是從金星來的，應該以不同於男人的方式和她們溝通。下表列出一些應該記得的差異及建議。

One of the biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become frustrated or angry because they forget that women are from Venus and that they are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below outlines some ways to remember these differences and makes some suggestions about what to do.

 

謹記差異性

NOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

 

 

What Lo remembe                  What to do and what not to do

        I . Remember anger comes from              I. Take responsibility to under­

        not understanding her point of                 stand. Don't blame her for upset­

        view, and this is never her fault.              ting you. Start again trying

                    to understand.

        2. Remember that feelings don't               2. Breathe deeply, don't say any­

        always make sense right away,                 thing! Relax and let go of trying to

        but they're still valid and need                  control. Try to imagine how you

        empathy.                       would feel if you saw

                    the world through her eyes.

        3. Remember that anger may come                       3. Don't blame her for not feeling

        from not knowing what to do to               better from your solutions. How

        make things better. Even if she                can she feel better when solutions

        doesn't immediately feel              are not what she needs? Resist the

        better, your listening and under‑              urge to offer solutions.

        standing are helping.

        4. Remember you don't have to                4. If you wish to express a differing

        agree to understand her point of               point of view make sure she is fin­

        view or to be appreciated as a                  ished and then rephrase her point

        good listener.                 of view before giving your own.

                    Do not raise your voice.

5. Remember you don't fully have                    5. Let her know you don't under­

to understand her point of view to                    stand but want to. Take responsi­

        succeed in being a good listener.              bility for not understanding; don't

                    judge her or imply she can't be

                    understood.

 

 

什麽該做，什麽不該做

 

　　1.謹記：你生氣是因你仍了解她的觀

　　1.有責任去了解她，不要責備她引起你

　　點，而並非她引起你的怒氣。

　　的難過。開始嚐試去了解。2.謹記：“感覺”是不會立即被了解

　　2.深呼吸，什麽也不要說！放鬆，試著

　　的，但她仍然需要被同理。

　　控製自己想要評論的念頭，試著想像

　　如果站在她的立場，你會有什麽感受。3.謹記：生氣可能是因你手足無措而引

　　3.不要責備她沒有因提出你的解答而心

　　起，就算她不能馬上感覺好些，你的

　　情變好。如果你的解答不是她需要

　　傾聽了解一定會對她有幫助。

　　的，她怎麽會覺得好過？提供解答

　　時，一定要避免爭論。4.謹記：你不必放棄自己的觀點，或完

　　4.如果你想表達不同的觀點，請先確定

　　讚同她的觀點，隻為讓她感激你是個

　　她已說完，然後在你表達之前先重複

　　好聽眾。

　　她的觀點。不要提高你的聲音。5.謹記：不要為了成為她的好聽眾而表

　　5.讓她知道你不明白，但想了解。對自

　　現完全了解她的觀點。

　　己的不了解負責，不要批評或指責她

　　的說法令人難以理解。6.謹記：你對她的感覺沒有責任，她可

　　6.等到她覺得你已了解她後，再溫和地

　　能好像在責怪你，事實上她隻是需要

　　解釋或道歉。

　　被了解而已。7.謹記：如果她真的讓你生氣，可能是

　　7.不要和她的感覺與意見爭論，等情緒

　　她不信任你。她的內在是個受驚的小

　　較穩定後再撥出時間討論事情。可以

　　女孩，害怕開放，也害怕受傷害，她

　　練習十一章提供的情書技巧。

需要你的仁慈憐憫。

What to remember What to de and what not to de

        6. Remember you are not responsible                   6. Refrain from defending yourself

        for how she feels. She may sound                        until she feels that you understand

        as though she is blaming you, but             and care. Then it is OK gently to

        she is really ~ to be understood.               explain yourself or to apologize.

        7. Remember that if she makes                7. Don't argue with her feelings

        you really angry she is probably               and opinions. Take time out and

        mistrusting you. Deep inside her is                       discuss things later when there is

        a scared little girl who is afraid of                        less emotional charge. Practice the

        opening up and being hurt and                 Love Utter technique as described

        who needs your kindness and                   in chapter II.

        compassion.

 

男人如果能不生氣、不沮喪地傾聽女人的感覺，就等於是給了她最美好的禮物。他使她在具備安全感的情況下表達自己，她表達得愈多，就愈覺得被聽見與被了解，也愈能給與男人需要的愛的信任、接受、感激、讚美、肯定與鼓勵。

When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance. appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.

 

 

女人學習授權的藝術

THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN

 

不但男人需要學習滿足女人愛情基本需求的傾聽藝術，女人也需要學習授權的藝術。女人若支持男人，就是授權給他、相信他的能力。當男人被信任、接受、感激、讚美、肯定和鼓勵時，他便覺得得到授權。

Just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a woman's primary love needs, women need to learn the art of empowerment. When a woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers him to be all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is trusted, accepted, appreciated. admired, approved of, and encouraged.

 

如同在那個身披閃亮盔甲的武士故事中所看到的，許多女人試著要幫助她們的男人進步，但卻在不知不覺間傷害了他。任何想改變他的企圖，反而會奪走他對愛情的基本需求。

Like in our story of the knight in shining armor, many women try to help their man by improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him. Any attempt to change him takes away the loving trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that are h's primary needs.

 

Give Trust and Not Advice

 

授權給男人的秘訣，是絕不要嚐試改變他或改進他。當然你會希望他有所改變。但絕不要有這欲望。隻有他直接請求特別的忠告時，才是他開放、心胸想改變的時候。

The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. Certainly you may want him to change‑just don't act on that desire. Only if he directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in changing.

 

授權給男人的秘訣是，絕不要嚐試改變化或改進他。

 

在女人的世界裏，大家視提供忠告是一種愛的表現，但在男人的世界則不是。女人必須謹記，男人隻在對方直接要求時才給與忠告，對男人表示愛的方式是相信他可以自己解決問題。

On Venus, it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice. But on Mars it is not. Women need to remember that Martians do not offer advice unless it directly requested. A way of showing love is to trust another Martian to solve his problems on his own.

 

但這並不表示女人必須壓抑她的感覺，隻要她不試著改變他，她當然可以沮喪甚至生氣，任何改變他的企圖都不會受到支持，而且會得到反效果。

This doesn't mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It's OK for her to feel frustrated or even angry, as long as she doesn't try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and counterproductive.

 

女人愛上男人時，通常都會開始試著改變他們的關係，她的過度熱情，使他成為進步的目標，她會逐步慢慢的改進他。

When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.

 

 

為何男人抗拒改變

Why Men Resist Change

 

她試過無數的方法想改變他或使他有所進步，她認為那是出於愛，但他卻覺得自己受到操控、被拒絕、沒有愛。他頑固地拒絕她，因為他覺得她在拒絕他，所以才會想要改變他。當女人試著改變男人時，男人並沒有得到改變和成長真正需要的愛的信任與接納。

In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change him are loving, but he feels controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her because he feels she is rejecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow.

 

有一次，我問演講廳裏數百名的男女，他們都有共同的經驗：女人愈想改變男人，男人就愈抗拒。

When I ask a room filled with hundreds of women and men they all have had the same experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists.

 

問題的症結在於女人誤解男人抗拒的反應，她誤以為他不願意改變，也許是因為他愛她不夠深，但他拒絕改變的更正原因是，他覺得沒有得到足夠的愛。男人若覺得被信任、接受、感激，自然會自動改變、成長、進步。

The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his response. She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to change, probably because he does not love her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved enough. When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth, automatically he begins to change, grow, and improve.

 

Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior

 

有兩種男人，一種是女人想改變他時，他頑固地抵抗，另一種是同意改變，但過一會就馬上忘記，恢複原狀。男人對改變的反應，不是主動抗拒就是被動抗拒。

There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior. A man either actively resists or passively resists.

 

當男人覺得他的表現沒有得到愛時，他會有意識或無意識地重複這個沒有被接受的行為。他內在會有一股很強的力量強製他重複這種行為，直到他覺得得到愛與接受為止。想讓男人改變，必須讓他覺得被愛、被接受，否則他會抗拒，保持原狀不改。他需要覺得他的表現被接受了，然後才能自行尋找改進的方式。

When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted. For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.

 

Men Don't Want to Be Improved

 

正如男人想解釋女人為什麽不該難過般，女人也想解釋男人為什麽不該有他們表現出的那種行為。男人錯誤地想“修正”女人，女人也錯誤地想“改進”男人。

just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn't behave the way they do. just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women mistakenly try to improve" men.

 

男人以火星人的眼光看這個世界，他們的座右銘是“沒有壞就不要修理”，因此女人一且想改變男人—男人就以為她認為他出狀況了，這不但傷害了男人，也使男人產生防禦的心理，因為他沒有感到愛與接受。

Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it, If it isn't broken." When a woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted.

 

幫助男人成長的最好方法：不要嚐試用任何方式改變化。

 

男人需要別人接受他，忽視他的缺點。要接受一個人的缺點很不容易，尤其是在我們認為他可以變得更好時，但是，如果我們了解幫助男人成長的最好方法是，不要嚐試用任何方式去改變他，那麽接受缺點就不會太困難了。

A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections is not easy,. especially when we see how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.

 

The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving up trying to change him in any way:

 

NOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN

 

What she news to remember Whet she con de

 

        I. Remember: don't ask him too               I. Ignore that he is upset unless he

        many questions when he is upset              wants to talk to you about it.

        or he will feel you are trying to               Show some initial concern, but not

        change him.                   too much, as an invitation to talk.

        2. Remember: give up trying to               2. Trust hirn to grow on his own.

        improve him in any way. He needs                       Honestly share feelings but with­

        your love, not rejection, to grow.             out the demand that he change.

        3. Remember: when you offer                 3. Practice patience and trust that

        unsolicited advice he may feel mis‑                      he will team on his own what he

        trusted, controlled, or rejected.                needs to learn. Wait until he asks

                    for your advice.

        4. Remember: when a man                      4. Practice showing him that he

        becomes stubborn and resists                   doesn't have to be perfect to

        change he is not feeling loved; he is                     deserve your love. Practice forgive­

        afraid to admit his mistakes for                ness. (See chapter I L)

        fear of not being loved.

        5. Remember: if you make sacri‑             5. Practice doing things for your­

        fices hoping he will do the same              self and not depending on him to

        for you then he will feel pressured                       make you happy.

        to change.

 

What she me& I9 remember Whet she con do

 

        6. Remember: you can share nega‑                       6. When sharing feelings, let him

        tive feelings without trying                      know that you are not trying to

        to change hirn. When he feels                  tell him what to do but that you

        accepted it is easier for him to                 want him to take your feelings into

        listen.                consideration.

        7. Remember: if you give hirn                 7. Relax and surrender. Practice

        directions and make decisions                  accepting imperfection. Make his

        for him he will feel corrected                  feelings more important than per­

        and controlled.               fection and don't lecture or correct

                    him.

 

　　如果男女在學習互相支持時，不把個人的要求擺在第一，雙方就能夠自然地改變與成長。認真了解配偶的六個基本需求，你可以根據這些需求調整愛的支持，使你們的關係更和諧圓滿。

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.