Chapter 7 : Women Are Like Waves

第七章  女人象波浪

 

女人就像波浪般，當她身處在愛中時，她的自尊會如波浪般起伏；感覺好時，她抵達浪峰，情緒低時，便跌落波底。

A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self‑esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.

 

當女人的波浪升起時，她覺得自己可給與豐富的愛，但當波浪跌落時，她的內心空虛，需要愛來填滿，跌落底點時也是她情緒大掃除的時刻。

When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.

 

如果在波浪上升時，為了表示更有愛心，她壓抑消極的感覺或隱藏自己，那麽在波浪下跌時，她就會開始經曆那些曾經被壓抑的消極感覺和尚未被滿足的需要。

If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.

 

在跌落期間，她特別需要和別人談論問題、需要被傾聽與了解。

 

我太太邦妮形容這種“跌落”的經驗就好像掉入黑暗的井中。當女人掉入她的“井”時，她意識到正沉入未知的出自己，沉入黑暗與擴散的感覺。她可能會經曆一大堆難以解釋的情緒和含糊不清的感覺，她可能會感覺無助、孤單、沒有人支持。但當她處在低點時，若感覺到愛與支持，就會馬上變好，她會自動上升，在關係中再度散發愛。

My wife, Bonnie, says this experience of "going down" is like going down into a dark well. When a women goes into her "well" she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling. She may suddenly experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported. But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationships.

 

女人的自尊起落猶如波浪，跌落低點時正是情緒大掃除的時刻

 

女人在關係中給與和接受愛的能力，正是她對自己感覺的反映，當她對自己不滿意時，她絕不能接受或感激伴侶。在跌落期，她有不知所措或情緒化的傾向。當波浪跌入低點時，她變得比較脆弱，需要愛，這時也正是伴侶了解她的需求的好機會。

A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times, otherwise he may make unreasonable demands.

 

 

男人如何對應波浪

NOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE

 

當男人愛上女人時，她開始放出愛的光芒，大多數男人天真地期待她的光芒能持續永恒，但是期待她永恒的愛就好比期待天氣從來不變，永遠陽光普照一樣。生命是種節奏----白天與夜晚、熱與冷、夏天與冬天、春天與秋天、烏雲與晴朗。同樣的，男女關係也自有他們的節奏與周期，表現在愛的能力上，男人抽離又親近，女人則是上升又跌落。

When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. life is filled with rhythms‑day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

 

男女關係表現在愛的能力上時，男人是抽離又親近，女人則是上升又跌落。

 

男人以為女人情緒的突然改變，完全是因他的行為所引起，她高興時，他認為這是自己的功勞；她不高興時，他也覺得應為此負起責任，他可能因不知該如何是好而陷入極大的挫折中。前一分鍾她高興，他相信是因為自己做得好，但下一分鍾，她卻不高興了，這使得他既氣憤又震驚，因為他一直以為自己表現得當，怎麽也沒想到她會突然不高興。

A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.

 

Don't Try to Fix It

 

比爾和瑪莉結婚六年了。比爾一直想阻撓瑪莉的波浪形態，他試著去“解決”，卻愈弄愈糟。他以為她情緒起伏一定是哪裏出了問題，他試著向她解釋其實她不需要難過，隻是徒增瑪莉的困惑與沮喪而已。

Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed.

 

他認為自己是在“解決她的煩惱”，但實際上卻是反其道而行。當她進入井中時，正是他學習在此時無條件給她支持而非解決她問題的時候。

The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.

 

比爾說：“我不了解我太太瑪莉。她會連續幾個禮拜扮演最稱職的女人，無條件地愛我及任何人，但是突然又會為她所做的事手足無措，並且開始否定我。她的不快樂不是我的錯，然而我向她解釋卻隻會使我們吵得更凶。”

Bill said, "I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights."

 

Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.

 

比爾像許多男人一樣，錯誤的嚐試阻止伴侶“跌落”或“沉底”，他想拉她一把以拯救她，他還沒學到當女人跌落時，必須跌到底才能上升。

Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or "bottoming out." He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up.

 

瑪莉跌落的第一個朕兆是手足無措，但是比爾沒有感同身受地聽她說話，反而以解釋為何她不該難過的方式企圖拉回她。

When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset.

 

別試著「解決”女人的低潮女人跌落的最後所求不是需要別人告訴她為何她不該情緒跌落。在這個時候需要有人伴著她，分享她的感覺，對她的經曆感同身受。男人就算不能全然了解女人為何手足無措，也可以給她愛及更多的注意與支持。

 

Now Men Are Confused

 

漸漸的，比爾雖然知道女人像波浪一樣有起有伏，但仍然覺得迷惑。他覺得太太陷在井中時，他練習傾聽，當她談到一些令她困擾的事時，他沒有提供任何“解決”的建議，傾聽二十分鍾後他開始覺得很難過，因為太太的情況並沒有好轉。

After learning how women are like waves, Bill was still confused. The next time his wife seemed to be in her well, he practiced listening to her. As she talked about some of the things that were bothering her, he practiced not offering suggestions to "fix her" or make her feel better. After about twenty minutes he became very upset, because she wasn't feeling any better.

 

他告訴我：“我很專心的傾聽，她也似乎很開放，分享得更多，但是她好像又漸漸難過起來，好像我愈聽她愈難受，我告訴她不應該更難過，卻引起大爭論。”

He told me, "At first I listened, and she seemed to open up and share more. But then she started getting even more upset. It seemed the more I listened the more upset she got. I told her she shouldn't be getting more upset and then we got into a big argument."

 

雖然比爾有花時間傾聽瑪莉，但他仍然試著想解決她的問題，他期待她能馬上好轉，他不知女人在井中時，隻要覺得有人支持就好，她不需要馬上讓自己好轉，在支持她的當時，她的情緒可能會變得更糟，但那是她已獲得幫助的訊號，他的支持可能幫忙她更快跌入底部，然後加快轉好的速度。她先要沉入底部才能上來，這是周期。

Although Bill was listening to Mary, he was still trying to fix her. He expected her to feel better right away. What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.

 

比爾感到迷惑的是，當他傾聽時，她卻沒有從他的支持中獲益，反而更加糟糕。為了防止這種迷惑的發生，男人必須記得：有時他成功地支持了她，但她卻可能表現得更難過，如能了解女人在上升前需先沉入底部，男人就可以放掉期待，不必計較她為什麽不能立即好轉。

Bill was confused, because as he listened to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel better in response to his assistance.

 

就算男人成功地支持了女人，她也可能表現得更難過。

 

比爾學到了這個新的洞見後，就對瑪莉更了解也更有耐性。學習如河支持掉在井中的瑪莉後，他也明白自己無法預測她會難過多久——有時她的井會特別深。

With this new insight, Bill was able to be rnore understanding and patient with Mary. After becoming much more successful in supporting Mary in her well, he also learned that there was no way to predict how long she would be upset; sometimes her well was deeper than at other times.

 

 

重複的起伏與爭論

RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS

 

女人從井中出來時又會成為一個可愛的人，男人通常無法理解這種積極的改變，他們會以為困擾她的事已經完全解決或痊愈了，但這是不對的，這隻是個假象，他隻因她突然更積極、有愛心，就誤以為她的問題都解決了。

When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved.

 

當她的波浪再度下降，同樣的問題又升起時，他就沒耐性了，因為他以為問題早就解決。所以如果不了解“波浪理論”，那麽當她在井中時，就很難確定她的感覺。女人未解決的感覺又出現時，他可能會有不適當的回應：

When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well."  When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying:

 

　　1.我們這樣做已經是第幾次了？

　　2.我早已聽過了。

　　3.我想我們已經解決那件事了。

　　4.你什麽時候才可以不必再說了？

　　5.我不要再談這件事了。

　　6.真不可思議！我們又在爭論同樣的事。

7.你為什麽有這麽多問題？

I. "How many times do we have to go through this?"

2. "I've heard all this before."

3. "I thought we had established that."

4. "When are you going to get off it?"

5. "I don't want to deal with this again."

6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument."

7.‑‑‑Whydo you have so many problems?"

 

女人一掉到井中，深藏的問題就會浮上表麵，這些問題也許是在關係中形成的，通常是在過去的關係及童年就已深藏在心中。過去所留下待解決或待治療的問題無可避免的要拿上台麵，以下是她掉到井中時可能經驗到的感覺：

When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well.

 

她掉入井中的警訊(迫切需要他的愛)

WARNING SIGNS FOR MEN THAT SHE   MAY BE GOING INTO HER WELL OR WHEN SHE NEEDS HIS LOVE THE MOST

 

她的感覺           　　她可能說

She feels                     She my say  I

 

．手足無措           ．太多事要做了。

        Overwhelmed                "There is so much to do."

．沒有安全感       ．我需要更多。

        Insecure                 "I need more."

．憤怒                   ．每一件事都是我做。

        Resentful                 "I do everything."

．煩惱          　　 ．但是，那個……

        Worried                   ‑‑‑Butwhat about     "

．迷惑           　　．我不僅為什麽……

        Confused                " I don't understand why"

．疲憊           　　．我什麽事也做不了了。

        Exhausted               "I can't do anything more."

．無助           　　．我不知該怎麽辦？

        Hopeless                 "I don't know what to do."

．消極           　　．我不在乎，隨你要怎麽做。

        Passive       "I don't care, do what you want."

．要求           　　．你應該：…．

        Demanding              "You should"

．抑製           　　．我不想要……

        Withholding            "No, I don't want to"

．不信任       　　．你是什麽意思？

Mistrustful                "What do you mean by that?"

．控製           　　．好，那麽你……

        Controlling              "Well, did you         ?"

．否定           　　．你怎能忘記……

Disapproving             "How could you forget?"

 

當她在困難時刻得到許多支持時，她會相信和對方之間的關係，能夠毫無衝突地進出井中，或者不必對生命做太大的掙紮，這是愛的關係帶來的祝福。

As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and Is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship.

 

女人在井中時，男人的支持是她由衷感激的禮物。她會逐漸從過去的影響中解脫出來，雖然仍會有起伏，但卻不至於過度掩蓋她愛的天性。

        To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate. Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her ups and downs, but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature.

 

 

了解女人的需要

UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS

在我的關懷研討會中，湯姆抱怨說：“我和蘇珊在關係在初建立時，她看來很好強，但沒多久就變得很軟弱了。我安慰她，我愛她，她對我很重要。我們談了許多後，這個障礙解除了。但是一個月後，她又有了相同的不安全感，好像把我們當初所講的都拋諸腦後。我覺得很沮喪，因此大吵　　了一架。”

During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. I remember reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so frustrated with her that we got in a big argument."

 

湯姆很驚訝別的男人也有相同的經驗。湯姆遇見蘇珊時，她正在波浪的高峰，關係開始後，蘇珊對湯姆的愛開始成長。當她抵達高峰後，馬上就覺得自己很脆弱、占有欲很強，變得沒有安全感，要求湯姆給她更多的關注。這是跌落井中的開端，但湯姆卻不明白她為什麽會改變。經過好幾個小時熱烈的討論後，蘇珊覺得舒服多了，湯姆也再度向她保證他的愛與支持，蘇珊現在又往上爬了，他心裏才覺得鬆了口氣。

Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships. When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention. This was the beginning of her descent into the well. Tom could not understand why she had changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better. Tom had reassured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside he felt relieved.

 

湯姆以為已經成功的解決了問題，但一個月後，蘇珊又再度跌落，和上次一樣有相同的不安全感，這次湯姆失去了耐性，他一個月前已向她保證過他的愛與支持，但她卻不相信他，這使他覺得受辱。出於自我防衛，他負麵地批判蘇珊需要他再次保證的需求，結果當然引起了一場爭執。

After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again. This time Tom was much less understanding and accepting of her. He became impatient. He was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result they argued.

 

Reassuring insights

 

湯姆了解女人像波浪般，也知道蘇珊重複的需求和沒有安全感是自然、不可避免、短暫的現象。他也才知道過去他以為愛的回應可以、永久治療蘇珊內心深處的想法，是多麽幼稚天真。

By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had been to think that his loving response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal her.

 

當蘇珊掉在井中時，湯姆學到讓她輕易解決內心問題也成功地讓他們免於爭吵的方法：

Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier for her to do her inner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was encouraged by the three following realizations.

 

1.男人的愛與支持無法永久解決女人的問題，但他的愛可使女人安全地往井中探底。他學習包容女人的波浪起伏，每次他都會更支持她。

I. A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.

2.女人掉入井中，並非他的錯或失敗。為了支持她，他不能阻止她去，但卻能幫助她渡過難關。

2. A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happen' rig, but he can help her through these difficult times.

3.女人掉落底部後，有能力自己升上來，男人不需替她解決這個問題。她沒有崩潰，隻是需要他的愛、耐心與了解。

3. A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.

 

 

女人沒有安全感時

WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL

 

女人在親密關係中，波浪會有增加的傾向，但基本上，她會安全度過周期；同樣的，她也會盡力偽裝無事，壓抑消極的感覺。

This tendency to be like a wave increases when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings.

 

女人在井中時如覺得不安全，唯一的警覺就是避免親密與性愛，或經由耽溺的方法來壓抑麻木的感覺，如飲酒、暴食、過度工作或過度關心。即使是耽溺於某些事物中，她仍會周期性地跌落井中，又不受控製地升上來。

When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking, or overcaretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion.

 

你可能聽過有許多從不吵架或爭論的夫妻，突然決定離婚，在這種例子中，有大部分是女人為了避免吵架，壓抑自己負麵的感覺，結果日積月累下來，漸漸對愛情感到麻木而感受不到愛。

You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and unable to feel her love.

 

壓抑負麵感覺，會造成正麵感覺也被壓抑，此時，愛情便宣告死亡。避免爭論和吵架是好事，但不是透過壓抑來避免。我們會在第九章中探討，如何在不壓抑感覺的情況下又得以避免爭論。

When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings.

 

壓抑消極感覺，會影響積極感覺也被壓抑，此時，愛情便宣告死亡。

 

 

情緒大掃除

Emotional Housecleaning

 

當女人的波浪落下來時，正是她情緒大掃除的時候，若不經由情緒大掃除的發泄，女人會慢慢失去愛與被愛的能力，壓抑感覺會使她的自然波浪受阻，而逐漸缺乏熱情，產生沒有愛的感覺。

When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning. Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to grow m love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time.

 

有些有經前症候群的女人，為了避免處理負麵情緒，會反抗自己的自然波浪，也有些成功處理自己感覺的女人，可以感受到經前症候群不會困擾她。我們將在第十一章探討更多處理負麵情緒的治療技巧。

Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear. In chapter II we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with negative emotions.

 

就算是個自信、成功的女強人，也需要偶爾拜訪一下她的井。男人通常都誤以為如果他的女伴在工作表現上很成功，她就不會有情緒大掃除的時候，但事實上正好相反。

Even a strong, confident. and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time. Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning. The opposite is true.

 

尤其是女人在工作中，通常是處於壓力和情緒的汙染下，她迫切地需要情緒大掃除；相同的，男人在極端的工作壓力下，也需要像橡皮筋一樣抽離。

When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution. Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work.

 

有項研究顯示，女人的自尊通常在二十一到三十五天之問起落循環一次。沒有研究表明男人多久會像橡皮筋般抽離一次，但我的經驗是，男人的周期和女人差不多。女人的自尊周期不必然與月經周期一致，但平均是二十八天一次。

One study revealed that a woman's self‑esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty‑one and thirty‑five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's selfesteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty‑eight days.

 

當女人穿上上班服後，她就與情緒處理者的角色分離了，回家時，她需要伴侶給她溫柔的、愛的支持。認知女人掉入井中並不會影響她的工作能力是很重要的，但掉入井中卻會深深影響她與親密愛人之間的溝通。

When a woman puts on her Business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but when she returns Home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every woman needs and appreciates at these times. It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a woman's competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs.

 

Now a Man Con Support a Woman in the Well

 

聰明的男人會設身處地幫助女人安全起落，他會放下判斷與要求，學習如何給與必要的支持，如此便能在往後享受愛與熱情不斷滋長的關係。

A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall. He releases his judgments and demands and learns how to give the required support. As a result he enjoys a relationship that increases in love and passion over the years.

 

在學習支持女人時，他可能必須經曆一些感情的風暴與幹旱期，但終究會得到豐富的報酬。未啟蒙的男人仍然一直陷在風暴和幹旱的痛苦中，如果他不去明白愛惜井中的她的藝術，他們之間的愛會逐漸受到壓抑，停止成長。

He may have to weather a few emotional storms or droughts, but the reward is much greater. The uninitiated man still suffers from storms and droughts, but because he does not know the art of loving her through her time in the well, their love stops growing and gradually becomes repressed.

 

 

她在井中，他在洞穴

WHEN SHE'S IN THE WELL AND NE'S IN THE CAVE

 

哈裏斯說：“我回家就嚐試每件在研討會中學到的事，具的有效。我們很親近，我覺得彷若置身天堂。但我的太太卡絲突然抱怨我看太多電視，她開始把我當孩子對待，我們發生了很大的衝突。我們一向處得很好，可是這回不知出了什麽事。”

Harris said, "I tried everything I learned in the seminar. It was really working. We were so close. I felt like I was in heaven. Then suddenly my wife, Cathy, started complaining that I watched too much TV. She started treating me like I was a child. We got in a huge argument. I don't know what happened. We were doing so well."

 

這是波浪和橡皮筋同時發生的例子。參加研討會後，哈裏斯成功地對太太和家庭付出比以往多，卡絲很高興，並且幾乎不能相信。他們比過去更親密，她的波浪正在高峰，持續幾個禮拜後，有一個晚上哈裏斯決定要看電視，晚一點再睡，他的橡皮筋開始向外拉，他需要抽離到他的洞穴中。

This is an example of what can happen when the wave and the rubber band occur around the same time. After taking the seminar, Harris had succeeded in giving more to his wife and family than ever. Cathy was delighted. She couldn't believe it. They had become closer than ever. Her wave was peaking. This lasted for a couple of weeks, and then Harris decided to stay up late one night and watch TV. His rubber band was starting to droop. He needed to pull away into his cave.

 

當他抽離時，卡絲深受傷害，她的波浪馬上開始跌落，她認為他的抽離是他們新的親密經驗的終止。幾個禮拜前她、心滿意足，現在，她以為一切都完了。自她小時候，這種親密狀態就是她的夢想，他的抽離為她帶來極大的震撼，對她內在那個敏感的小女孩而言，好像是先給嬰兒一塊糖，然後又把精拿走。這令她非常難過。

When he pulled away, Cathy was greatly hurt. Her wave began to crash. She saw his pulling away as the end of her new experience of intimacy. The previous couple of weeks had been everything she had wanted, and now she thought she was going to lose it. Ever since she was a little girl this type of intimacy was her dream. Flis pulling away was a tremendous shock to her. To the vulnerable little girl within her it was an experience of giving candy to a baby and then taking it away. She became very upset.

 

Martian and Venusian Logic

 

男人難以了解卡絲被遺棄的感覺。男人會很邏輯地說：“過去兩個禮拜我表現得很好，難道我不應該為自己抽出一點時間？我給了你全部的時間，現在該給我自己一些時間了。你應該比過去對我更有安全感，更確信我的愛才對啊！”

Cathy's experience of abandonment is hard for a Martian to understand. Martian logic says "I have been so wonderful for the past two weeks. Shouldn't that entitle me to a little time off? I have been giving to you all this time, now it's time for me. You should be more secure and reassured about my love than ever."

 

女人也邏輯性地談著不同的經驗：“前兩星期這麽美好，我對你比過去更開放。失去你的注意力使我痛苦。我開始真正開放了，你卻溜之大吉。”

Venusian logic approaches the experience differently: "These last two weeks have been so wonderful. I have let myself open up to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention is more painful than ever. I started to really open up and then you pulled away."

 

 

過去的感覺浮現

Now Post Feelings Come Up

 

若不能全然的信任與開放，卡絲就得花數年的時間以保護自己不受傷害。但是隻要兩個禮拜，充滿愛的生活便使她比以前更開放，哈裏斯的支持使她能安全地麵對過去的感覺。

By not fully trusting and opening up, Cathy had spent years protecting herself from being hurt. But during their two weeks of living in love she started to open up more than she ever had in her adult life. Harris's support had made it safe for her to get in touch with her old feelings.

 

然而，突然間，她又會回到小時候父親太忙的情形。她把過去未解決的問題和無助、氣憤的感覺，全部發泄在哈裏斯看電視的行為上。如果這種感覺不出現，卡絲便能欣然接受哈裏斯看電視的舉動。

Suddenly she began to feel the way she felt as a child when her father was too busy for her. Her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were projected onto Harris's watching TV. if these feelings had not come up, Cathy would have been able gracefully to accept Harris's wish to watch TV.

 

因為從前的感覺浮現，因此使他看電視的行為對她造成傷害。如果給她機會分享與探討曾經受到的傷害，內心深處的感覺就會浮現出來。卡絲會先徹底掉入井中，再突然轉好。再一次強調，就算他無可避免的短暫抽離使她難受，她也必須要相信彼此間仍然維持著親密關係。

Because her past feelings were coming up, she felt hurt when he watched TV. If given the chance to share and explore her hurt, deep feelings would have emerged. Cathy would have hit bottom, and then she would have felt significantly better. Once again, she would have been willing to trust intimacy, even knowing it can be painful when inevitably he temporarily pulls away.

 

When Feelings Get Hurt

 

哈裏斯不知道她為什麽受到傷害，他去告訴她，她不應該覺得受傷害，於是爭端又起。男人向女人說她不應該覺得受傷害是最糟糕的事，那會如揭瘡疤似的使她更難過。

But Harris didn't understand why she would be hurt. He told her she shouldnt be hurt. And the argument began. Telling a woman she shouldn't feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.

 

 

女人覺得受傷害時，她講話的語氣可能會聽來像在罵他，試著向她解釋她不應該覺得受傷害，隻會使事情更糟糕。有時候正感覺受傷害的女人可以理智地同意她不應該受傷害，但她的情緒仍然會受傷，她需要的是人家了解她為什麽會受傷害，而不是對方的指責或解釋。

When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn't be hurt will make matters much worse. Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn't be hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn't want to bear from him that she shouldn't he hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting.

 

 

無心傷害、爭吵有理

Why Men and Women Fight

 

哈裏斯非常不明白卡絲的受傷反應，他以為她要求他永遠不要看電視。卡絲不是要求他放棄電視，隻是要他知道，在那個時刻他看電視會使她痛苦。

Harris completely misunderstood Cathy's hurt reaction. He thought she was demanding that he give up TV forever. Cathy wasn't demanding that Harris give up TV. She just wanted him to know how painful it was for hen

 

女人本能的相信，伴侶如果有聽到她的痛苦，就會為她做些改變。當卡絲述說她的傷害時，她隻要他聽然後向她保證，永遠不會再成為過去那個耽溺於電視及要求她在情感上獨立的哈裏斯就可以了。

Women instinctively know that if only their pain can be heard then they can trust their partner to make whatever changes he can make. When Cathy shared her hurt, she just needed to be heard and then be reassured that he wasn't permanently reverting back to the old Harris, addicted to TV and emotionally unavailable.

 

哈裏斯當然有權看電視，卡絲也有權難過；她有權被傾聽、被了解、被安慰；哈裏斯看電視沒錯，卡絲難過也沒錯。

Certainly Harris deserved to watch TV, but Cathy deserved the right to be upset. She deserved to be heard, understood, and reassured. Harris was not wrong for watching TV, and Cathy was not wrong for being upset.

 

男人爭取自由的權利，女人爭取難過的權利；男人要空間，女人要了解。

 

哈裏斯因不了解卡絲的波浪，以為她的反應對他很不公平，他以為每次想看電視時，都得先要撫平她的心情，他變得暴躁，覺得由自己再也不能愛人、親近人了。

Because Harris did not understand Cathy's wave, he thought her reaction was unfair. He thought he had to invalidate her feelings if he wanted to take time to watch TV. He became irritable and thought, I can't be loving and intimate all the time!

 

RESOLVING CONFLICTS THROUGH UNDERSTANDING

 

哈裏斯覺得隻是看個電視就會把她的心情弄壞，然而卡絲隻是想要被傾聽難過的感覺而已。他為了看電視而和卡絲爭論，卡絲卻是為了傷害與難過而和哈裏斯爭論。哈裏斯認為，卡絲積了十二年的憤怒、無助，居然在兩星期的愛情生活中可以全然消失，這簡直是天方夜譚。

Harris felt he had to make her feelings wrong to gain the right to watch TV and live his fife and be himself. He argued for his right to watch TV when Cathy just needed to be heard. She ~ed for the right to be hurt and upset. It was naive for Harris to think that Cathy's anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness from being neglected for twelve years were going to go away after two weeks of being in love.

 

It was equally naive for Cathy to think that Harris could sustain his focus on her and the family without taking time to pull away and focus on himself.

 

哈裏斯的抽離引起卡絲的波浪跌落，她一直沒有被解決的感覺開始出現，在那一個晚上，她不隻反應了哈裏斯的看電視，也反應了數年來所受的漠視。他們的爭論變成咆哮，經過兩小時後，他們才真正彼此交談。

When Harris started to pull away it triggered Cathy's wave to crash. Her unresolved feelings started coming up. She was not just reacting to Harris watching TV that night but to the years of being neglected. ]heir argument turned into yelling. After two hours of yelling they weren't talking to each other.

 

透過了解問題症結所在，他們可以解決彼此的衝突和偽裝，哈裏斯了解他的抽離觸發了卡絲的情緒大掃除。在平靜談論後，他學到聽她說話的重要，她也明白支持他自由的重要。

By understanding the bigger picture of what had happened, they were able to resolve their conflict and make up. Harris understood that when he started to pull away it triggered Cathy's time to do some emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about her feelings and not be made wrong. Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as he was fighting to be free. He learned that by supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.

 

他支持她被傾聽的需要，她也會支持他對自由的需要

。

卡絲了解哈裏斯抽離後會再回來，所以又再次經曆親密關係，她知道他們與日俱增的親密關係會引發他的抽離，她也覺知她受傷的感覺會使他覺得被控製，以及他也需要感受到她不是要指揮他去做什麽。

Cathy understood that Harris did not mean to invalidate her hurt feelings. In addition she understood that though he was pulling away he would be back and they would be able to experience intimacy again. She realized that their increased intimacy had triggered his need to pull away. She learned that her hurt feelings made him feel controlled, and he needed to feel she was not trying to tell him what he could do.

 

What a MM Con De When He Can't Listen

 

哈裏斯問：“如果我不能聽她說話，正要去我的洞穴時怎麽辦？有時候我一開始聽，就會變得很生氣。”

Harris asked, "What if I just can't listen and I need to be in my cave? Sometimes, I start to listen and I become furious."

 

我讓他相信他是正常的。當她的波浪跌落而她最想被傾聽時，有時候會引發他的橡皮筋抽離。他不能供給她的需要，他感同身受地同意：“對，我要抽離，她卻要說話。”

I assured him that this is normal. When her wave crashes and she needs to be heard the most, sometimes his rubber band is triggered and he needs to pull away. He cannot give her what she needs. He emphatically agreed and said, "Yes, that's right. When I want to pull away, she wants to talk."

 

 

當他需要抽離時，支持她的三步驟

THREE STEPS FOR SUPPORTING HER WHEN HE NEEDS TO PULL AWAY

 

若男人要抽離、女人要講話時，他勉強傾聽隻會使事情更糟。不消多久，他就會批評她，或者脾氣暴躁、疲倦、困惑，而她則會更難過。當他不能關心、了解、尊重地仔細傾聽時，可從下列三個方法得到幫助：

When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, his trying to listen only makes matters worse. After a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger or he will become incredibly tired or distracted, and she will become more upset. When he is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these three actions can help:

 

　　一、接受自己的要求。

你要做的第一件事是接受自己需要抽離，此時沒有餘力付出。不管你多想讓自已有愛心，你當時就是無法仔細傾聽。在無法傾聽時，不要勉強自己去做。

I. Accept Yew Limitations

The first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. No matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don't try to listen when you can't.

 

　　二、了解她的痛苦。

接著，你必須了解她要的是什麽，而非你能給她什麽。她的痛苦是應該的，別讓她認為她過多的要求或傷害是個錯誤。當她需要你的愛卻遭你漠視時，她會十分挫折；你要空間沒有錯，她要親近也沒有錯。你可能會害怕她不原諒你或不相信你，但你如果關心及了解她的傷害，她會更相信你，更容易原諒你。

2. Understand Her Pain

Next, you need to understand that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid. Don't make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. You may be afraid that she will not forgive you or trust. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.

 

　　三、避免爭論，給與安慰。

透過了解她的傷害，別讓她覺得她的難過和痛苦是錯誤的。雖然你不能支持她的需求，但也別讓爭論使情況更糟，隻要安慰她你一定會回來，就是給了她最想要的支持。

3. Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance 

By understanding her hurt you won't make her wrong forbeing upset and in pain. Although you can't give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.

 

 

以正確表達代替爭論

What He Con Say Instead of Arguing

 

哈裏斯想獨處和看電視都沒有錯，卡絲受傷害的感覺也沒有錯，為了免除看電視權利的爭論，他可以說：“我知道你很難過，但現在我很需要看電視輕鬆一下。待我舒服點後再談，好不好？”這可使他在不傷害她的情況下，得到時間看電視，冷靜下來準備聽她受傷害的感情。

There was nothing wrong with Harris's need to be alone or watch TV, nor was their anything wrong with Cathy's hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for his right to watch TV, he could have told her something like this: "I understand you're upset, and right now I really need to watch TV and relax. When I feel better we can talk." This would give him time to watch TV as well as an opportunity to cool off and prepare himself to listen to his partner's hurt without making her hurt feelings wrong.

 

她也可能不會有心平氣和的反應，但她會尊重他的決定，因篇她要的是他平時有愛心的樣子。他不能付出他所沒有的，能做的隻是避免使情況更惡劣。關鍵在於他和她都需要尊重。他先取得他所需要的冷靜時間後，可以再回來回應她的需要。

She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respecting his needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she needs.

 

　　男人因需要抽離而不能傾聽女人受傷的感覺時，他可以說：“我了解你覺得受傷害了，我需要一點時間想想。讓我們先暫停一下。”男人這樣先行道歉及停止傾聽，比試圖去分析她的傷害好得多。

When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let's take a time‑out." For a man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away her hurt.

 

What She Con Do Instead of Arguing

 

卡絲問：“他去洞穴後我怎麽辦？我給他空間，但我得到什麽？”

In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give him space, but what do I get?"

 

卡絲得到了他所能給的最好待遇。她想說話時，如果不硬要他傾聽，就可避免爭論引發大問題。然後等他回來後，她就可以得到他的支持——他已經為自己填滿了支持她的能力。

What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to her when she wants to talk, she can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his support when he comes back‑when he is truly capable of supporting her.

 

記住，當男人像橡皮筋一樣抽離時，他會帶更多的愛回來，他也更能傾聽，此時是你們兩人交談的良機。

Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back with a lot more love. Then he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation.

 

接受男人去洞穴的需要並不是說你們不需要談話，而是指不管她何時想講話，都不要奢望他會傾聽。卡絲學會，有些男人有時不想聽或說，但過些時候他又很樂意了。時間是很重要的因素，她知道自己可以不要放棄引發交談，但要找出他願意傾聽的正確時間。

Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other times when he could listen.

 

男人抽離時，正是女人尋找朋友支持的時候，如果卡絲想講話，哈裏斯不想聽，她可以去找朋友，把男人當成唯一的愛與支持的來源，會使他喘不過氣。當女人的波浪跌落，而她的伴侶又正在洞穴時，她必然需要其他的情感支持，否則她不但不能幫助伴侶，反而會怨恨他。

When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support. When a woman's wave crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support. Otherwise she can't help but feel powerless and resent her partner.

 

把男人當成唯一的愛與支持的來源，會使他喘不過氣。

 

 

金錢如何製造問題

NOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS

 

克裏斯說：“我完全糊塗了。我們結婚時很窮，兩人努力工作，但仍然連房租都付不出來。有時我太太佩恩會抱怨她的生活太辛苦，這我絕對可以了解。但現在我們的經濟情況大有好轉，我們的事業也很成功，為什麽她還是不快樂、常抱怨？其他女人可能會做許多其他的事來滿足自己，但　　是我們卻隻會吵架。日子不好過時，我們過得很快樂，現在好過了卻要離婚了。”

Chris said, "I am completely confused. When we got married we were poor. We both worked hard and we barely had enough money for the rent. Sometimes my wife, Pam, would complain about how hard her life was. I could understand it. But now we are rich. We both have successful careers. How can she still be unhappy and complain? Other women would give anything to be in her situation. All we do is fight. We were happier when we were poor; now we want a divorce."

 

克裏斯不了解女人像波浪一樣，他娶佩恩時，她的波浪偶爾會跌落，這時，他會聽也會了解她的不快樂，他因和對方分享而很容易肯定她的感覺。就他的觀察，她有很好的難過理由——他們沒有足夠的錢。

Chris did not understand that women are like waves. When he married Pam, from time to time her wave would crash. At those times he would listen and understand her unHappiness. It was easy for him to validate her negative feelings because he shared them. From his perspective she had a good reason to be upset‑they didn't have a lot of money.

 

 

金錢不能滿足情感需要

Money Doesn't Fulfill Emotional Needs

 

男人有認為金錢可以解決一切問題的傾向。當克裏斯和佩恩為告別貧窮而奮鬥時，他能傾聽及感同身受她的痛苦，然後設法賺更多錢讓她免於不快樂。佩恩覺得他真正在關心她。但他們經濟好轉後，她仍然會偶爾難過，這時他就不了解她為何仍然不快樂。他以為她應該時時刻刻都很快樂，因為他們有錢了，而此時佩恩卻覺得他不關心她了。

Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems. When Chris and Pam were poor and struggling to make ends meet, he would listen and empathize with her pain and resolve to make more money so she wouldn't be unhappy. Pam felt that he really cared. But as their life improved financially she continued to get upset from time to time. He couldn't understand why she still wasn't happy. He thought she should be happy all the time because they were so rich. Pam felt that he didn't care about her.

 

克裏斯不知道金錢不能阻止佩恩的難過。當她的波浪跌落時，他們便開始吵架，因為他一心要消除她難過的感覺。諷刺的是，他們愈有錢就吵得愈凶。

Chris did not realize that money could not prevent Pam from being upset. When her wave would crash, they fought because he would invalidate her need to be upset. Ironically, the richer they became the more they fought.

 

他們貧窮時，佩恩的痛苦都集中在金錢上，但女人在經濟有了保障後，便開始注意到情感上的需要，這是一個自然、正常而且可以預料的過程。

When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This progression is natural, normal, and predictable.

 

 

女人在經濟需求得到滿足後，便開始注意情感上的需求。

A wealthy Woman Needs More Permission to Be Upset

 

I remember reading this quote In an article: "A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist." When a woman has a lot of money, people (and especially her husband) do not give her the right to be upset. She has no permission to be like a wave and crash from time to time. She has no permission to explore her feelings or to need more in any area of her life.

 

當女人有了錢之後，人們(特別是她的丈夫)就不給她難過的權利，他覺得她的情緒不應該再像波浪一樣有起有伏，他也不認為她應該探討自己的感覺及生命裏其他的需要。

A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her fife could be so much worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.

 

當克裏斯知道其實他可使太太快樂時，他受到鼓舞了，他記得貧窮時，曾設身處地認同太太的感覺，現在雖然富有了，他仍然可以故技重施，當他知道該如何支持她時，就不再感到無望。當他真心知道關愛和了解是滿足她的來源時，他就不再認為隻有金錢才可以使她快樂。

Chris was encouraged when he realized he could make his wife happy. He remembered he had validated his wife's feelings when they were poor, and he could do it again even if they were rich. Instead of feeling hopeless, he realized he did know how to support her. He had just gotten sidetracked by thinking his money should make her happy when really his caring and understanding of her had been the source of her contentment.

 

 

重視感覺

FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT

 

有時女人在不快樂時，如果不能得到支持，她就永遠不會真的快樂起來。真正的快樂需要能放心的沉浸在其中，放鬆、治療、淨化情感，這是自然健康的方法。

If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the wed to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process.

 

如果我們要感受愛、快樂、信任、感謝等積極的感覺，那麽我們也需要定期感受生氣、憂愁、害怕及悲傷等。當女人去她的井中時，也是她治療這些消極感覺的時刻。

If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, Happiness, trust, and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions.

 

男人也需經曆消極感覺才能體會積極的感覺，男人沉默地經曆消極感覺時，正是他去洞穴的時候，我們將在第十一章將探討對男女雙方都有效的釋放消極感覺的技巧。

Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive feelings. When a man goes into his cave is a time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings. In chapter II we will explore a technique for releasing negative feelings that works equally well for women and men.

 

女人走向波峰時，很能自我滿足。但往下跌落時，就很在乎她錯失了什麽；她在心情好時，有能力反應生命中美好的事，但當她跌落時，愛的視覺就布滿了烏雲，而在乎她在生命中所錯失的。

When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the downswing she then will become aware of what she is issing When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to what is missing 'm her life.

 

就像半杯水，你可當它是半分滿或半分空；女人波浪上升時，也會看到生命豐富的一麵，下落時，她看到的是空虛的一麵。她上升時忽視的空虛感覺，在下落時都成了她注意的焦點。

Just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down into her well.

 

男人若不學習女人像波浪一般，就無法了解或支持他們的配偶。若男人在外事事順利，而在與配偶的關係中卻觸礁時，會使他們充滿困惑。但若能記得男女的差異，男人就可以在她最需要愛時，給她最需要的支持。

Without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives. They are confused when things get a lot better on the outside but worse in the relationship. By remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.