Chapter 6 : Men Are Like Rubber Bands

第六章  男人象橡皮筋

 

將男人的親密周期比做是橡皮筋是最恰當的隱喻，這個周期包括親近、抽離，然後再親近。

Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.

 

許多女人都很驚訝知道，男人就算很喜歡一個女人，但在親近之前，也需要周期性地抽離。男人能直覺到抽離的衝動，這既非選擇，也非決定，而是自然發生的；這既非他的錯，也非她的錯，而是由自然的周期。

Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.

男人愛上女人時，他需要周期性的抽離。

 

女人通常誤解男人“抽離”的意思，因為她們之所以會采取抽離的方式，其理由和男人不同。當她不相信他能了解她的感覺，當她受傷害或害怕再受傷害，或他做錯了事令她失望時，她就采取抽離的方式。

Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.

 

男人抽離的理由有一部分也與女人相同，但另外不同的部分是，就算她沒有錯，他也會抽離。他可能愛她、相信她，但卻突然抽離。他會像個橡皮筋般，遠離出去後又自己回來。

Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her; and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.

 

男人為了滿足獨立與自主而抽離。他抽離出去後，又會馬上彈縮回來；當他完全分離後，他會忽然覺得需要愛，又再一次回複親密關係。他會自動積極地給與愛和接受他需要的愛，男人彈縮回來時，他會恢複已拉開的親密關係，而不需要重新熟悉。

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will he more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn't feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

 

 

男人的親密周期

WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

 

若能了解男人的親密周期，則能增進彼此關係，若不了解，將會增加不必要的問題。讓我們探討一個例子：

If understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but because it is misunderstood it creates unnecessary problems. Let's explore an example.

 

瑪姬既苦惱、不安又迷惑。她和男朋友傑夫約會、六個月了，一切都美好浪漫。後來在沒有任何明顯理由下，他情緒化地疏遠她。瑪姬不了解他為何突然抽離，她告訴我：“前一分鍾他十分殷勤，下一分鍾卻又不想跟我講話，我試盡方法幫助他恢複，卻好像隻有愈試愈糟。他好像很冷淡。我不知道我做錯了什麽，我好害怕。”

Maggie was distressed, anxious, and confused. She and her boyfriend, jeff, had been dating for six months. Everything had been so romantic. Then without any apparent reason he began to distance himself emotionally. Maggie could not understand why he had suddenly pulled away. She told me, "One minute he was so attentive, and then the next he didn't even want to talk to me. I have tried everything to get him back but it only seems to make matters worse. He seems so distant. I don't know what I did wrong. Am I so awful?"

 

瑪姬將傑夫的抽離當成私人問題，這是常見的反應。她責備自己一定做錯了什麽事，她想再補償一些，但她愈想接近傑夫，傑夫就抽離得愈遠。

When jeff pulled away, Maggie took it personally. This is a common reaction. She thought she had done something wrong and blamed herself. She wanted to make things "right again," but the more she tried to get close to Jeff the more he pulled away.

 

參加了我的研討會後，瑪姬才鬆了一口氣，她的不安與迷惑馬上煙消雲散，最重要的是，她不再怪罪自已，她知道傑夫的抽離並非她的錯。另外，她也知道他為何會抽離，處理他抽離的事有多容易。數月後在另一個研討會上，傑夫謝謝我對瑪姬的教導，他告訴我他們已訂婚了。瑪姬發琨了很少女人了解的男人秘密。

After taking my seminar Maggie was so relieved. Her anxiety and confusion immediately disappeared. Most important, she stopped blaming herself. She realized that when Jeff pulled away it was not her fault. In addition she learned why he was pulling away and how gracefully to deal with it. Months later at another seminar, Jeff thanked me for what Maggie had learned. He told me they were now engaged to be married. Maggie had discovered a secret that few women know about men.

 

瑪姬知道當傑夫試著抽離時，若她想親近他，就等於是在妨礙他彈出後再彈回來，緊跟著他隻會妨礙他對她的需要，妨礙他的重要周期。為了保持親密關係，在他抽離時，她要避免親近他。

Maggie realized that when she was trying to get close while Jeff was trying to pull away, she was actually preventing him from stretching his full distance and then springing back. By running after him, she was preventing him from ever feeling that he needed her and wanted to be with her. She realized that she had done this in every relationship. Unknowingly she had obstructed an important cycle. By trying to maintain intimacy she had prevented it.

 

 

男人突然改變的原因

Now a Man Is Suddenly Transformed

 

男人若沒有機會抽離，也就沒機會感到想親近的強烈欲望。女人必須了解，如果她堅持和抽離的他持續的親熱，或緊緊追著她們親密的男性伴侶時，他幾乎會想要逃跑或疏遠，她就沒有機會感受他對愛情的熱烈渴望。

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be dose. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.

 

我在研討會上以橡皮筋示範。想像你正拿著一條橡皮筋，現在開始將它向你的左邊拉，這條特殊的橡皮筋可以拉到十二吋長。當拉到十二吋時，它隻能彈回，不能再拉長了。當它彈日時，會有很大的力量和彈性。

In my seminars I demonstrate this with a big rubber band. Imagine that you are holding a rubber band. Now begin stretching your rubber band by pulling it to your right. This particular rubber band can stretch twelve inches. When the rubber band is stretched twelve inches there is nowhere left to go but back. And when it returns it has a lot of power and spring.

 

同樣地，當男人彈離他的最大距離後，他也會以很大的力量和彈性縮回。當他抽離到他的極限時，他正在轉變，他的全部態度都開始改變，這個似乎不再關心伴侶的男人(他正在抽離)，突然會覺得沒有她就活不下去，他再次感到需要親密，他的力量回來了，因為他愛與被愛的欲望複蘇了。

Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power and spring. Once he pulls away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. Flis whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner (while he was pulling away) suddenly cannot live without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his desire to love and be loved have been reawakened.

 

這也令女人迷惑，因為在她的經驗裏，如果抽離後再親密，通常需要一段適應期。若不了解男人在這點上的差異，在他突然有親密欲望時，她可能不信任他，而把他推拒出去。

This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again reqw'res a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn't understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away.

 

男人也必須了解這種差異，當他彈回來時，女人在伸臂歡迎之前，通常需要時間與對談。如果男人了解女人可能需要時間重獲同樣的親密程度(特別是他抽離時，她覺得受到傷害)，他會比較容易轉變，否則他可能會沒有耐性，因為他能馬上拾回過去的親密強度，而她不能。

Men also need to understand this difference. When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy‑especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away. Without this understanding of differences, a man may become impatient because he is suddenly available to pick up the intimacy at whatever level of intensity it was when he pulled away and she is not.

 

 

Why Men Pull Away

 

男人滿足了他們對親密的需求後，開始覺得需要獨立自主。當他抽離時，她開始驚慌失措，她不知道他抽離滿足了自主的需要後，又會馬上想要親密，男人會自動交替親密與自主的需要。

Men begin to feel their need for autonomy and independence after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. Automatically when he begins to pull away, she begins to panic. What she doesn't realize is that when he pulls away and fulfills his need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

 

　　男人會自動交替親密與自主的需要。

　　

譬如，當他們關係開始時，傑夫強烈地充滿欲望，他的橡皮筋全拉開了，他想給她好印象、滿足她、取悅她、親近她。他求愛成功後，她也想親近他，當她打開心房時，他逐步親近，他們親密後，他感覺很美好，但在短時間內他就改變了。

For example, in the beginning of his relationship Jeff was strong and full of desire. His rubber band was fully stretched. He wanted to impress her, fulfill her, please her, and get close to her. As he succeeded she also wanted to get closer. As she opened her heart to him he got closer and closer. When they achieved intimacy he felt won derful. But after a brief period a change took place.

 

想像橡皮筋出了什麽狀況，橡皮筋疲乏了，它的力量和彈性消失了，再也拉不動了。這是達到親密後，男人確實會有的現象。

Imagine what happens to the rubber band. The rubber band becomes limp. Its power and stretch are gone. There is no longer any movement. This is exactly what happens to a man's desire to get close after intimacy has been achieved.

 

男人雖然滿足了親近的欲望，但無可避免地要經曆內在改變，他感到有股衝動力想抽離，短暫地滿足了親密的饑渴後，他會渴望獨立出來，他可能會以為自已過於倚賴，甚至不知道他有想抽離的感覺。

Even though this closeness is fulfilling to a man, he will inevitably begin to go through an inner shift. He will begin to feel the urge to pull away. Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he feels a need to pull away.

 

 

女人為何驚慌失措

Why Women Panic

 

傑夫毫無解釋地抽離後，瑪姬很恐懼，她驚慌失措地倒過來追求他。她以為自己做錯了事才使他離去。她想像他正期待她重建親密關係，她怕他再也不回來。

As Jeff instinctively pulls away without any explanation to Maggie (or to himself), Maggie reacts with fear. She panics and runs after him. She thinks she has done something wrong and has turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy. She is afraid he will never come back.

 

她無力使他回來，因為她不知自已做了什麽使他離去的事。她不知道他的抽離隻是他親密周期的一部分。她問他出了什麽事，他沒有明確的答案，因而拒絕和她交談，繼續和她保持距離。

To make matters worse, she feels powerless to get him back because she doesn't know what she did to turn him off. She doesn't know that this is just a part of his intimacy cycle. When she asks him what's the matter, he doesn't have a dear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He just continues to distance her even more.

 

Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love

 

若不了解周期，男女很容易懷疑他們的愛情，若無視於瑪姬阻礙了傑夫發現自己的熱情，瑪姬會輕易認為傑夫不愛她；傑夫若沒有機會抽離，他會失去親近的熱情和欲望，以為自己再也不愛瑪姬了。

Without an understanding of this cycle it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt their love. Without seeing how she was preventing Jeff from finding his passion, Maggie could easily assume that Jeff didn't love her. Without getting the chance to pull away, Jeff would lose touch with his desire and passion to be close. He could easily assume that he no longer loved Maggie.

 

瑪姬自從學習讓傑夫擁有他的距離或“空間”後，發現他回來了。她練習在他孤立時不要緊追著他，並相信一切都會順利。結果每次他都回來。

After learning to let Jeff have his distance or "space," Maggie discovered that he did come back. She practiced not running after him when he would withdraw and trusted that everything was OK. Each time he did come back.

 

她對他的信任提高後，就不再驚慌失措了。在他抽離時，她不再緊追著他，也不再以為出自己做錯事。她接受傑夫親密周期的部分，她愈接受他，他回來得愈快。傑夫了解他的改變與需求時，他對愛就更有信心，也更能夠溝通。瑪姬和傑夫感情成功的秘密是他們了解這種周期，也接受男人像橡皮筋一樣。

As her trust in this process grew, it became easier for her not to panic. When he pulled away she did not run after him or even think something was wrong. She accepted this part of Jeff. The more she just accepted him at those times the sooner he would return. As Jeff began to understand his changing feelings and needs, he became more confident in his love. He was able to make a commitment. The secret of Maggie and Jeffs success was that they understood and accepted that men are like rubber bands.

 

NOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MEN

 

女人若不了解男人像橡皮筋，就會很容易誤解男人的反應。當她說：“讓我們談談。”他卻情緒性地疏遠時，迷惑就更深了，這正是她想開放親近，他卻想抽離。我常聽見這樣的抱怨：“每次我想講話，他就走開。”她誤下定論，以為他不想跟她講話。

Without an understanding of how men are like rubber bands, it Is very easy for women to misinterpret a man's reactions. A common confusion arises when she says "Let's talk" and immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint "Every time I want to talk, he pulls away. I feel like he doesn't care about me." She mistakenly concludes that he doesn't ever want to talk to her.

 

橡皮筋理論可類推解釋為何在女人表現十分關心後，男人會突然抽離。他抽離並非不想講話，而是需要獨處，需要一段沒有責任負擔的時間，在這段時間裏他要照顧自己，等他回來後，他會願意講話。

This rubber band analogy explains how a man may care very much about his partner but suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.

 

男人和伴侶相處到某一程度後會迷失由自己，他會因感覺她的需要、問題、感情，而與自己失去連係。抽離能幫他再次建立個人的界限，滿足自主的需要。

To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet autonomous.

 

男人和伴侶相處到某一程度後會迷失自己。

 

有些男人對抽離有不同的描述，對他們而言，抽離又是一種：“我需要一些空間”或“我需要獨處”的感覺。姑且不管他們怎麽描述，當男人抽離時，他會很滿意能照顧自己一段時間。

Some men, however, may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of "I need some space" or "I need to be alone." Regardless of how it is described, when a man pulls away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.

 

就像我們不會讓自己饑餓一樣，男人也不會有意地讓自己抽離。抽離是股直接的衝動，他和配偶親近到某一程度就迷失了，這時，他因覺得需要自主而抽離。女人若了解這個過程，就能正確的看待他的抽離行徑。

Just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away. By understanding this process, women can begin correctly to interpret this pulling away.

 

 

為何你要親近時，他就抽離

Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close

 

有許多女人經曆到每當想和男人講話或親近時，他就絲毫不差地抽離，這情形有兩個原因：

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons.

 

一、女人在男人抽離時，無意中挑選了這時刻企圖和他重建親密的相處關係，她提出：“我們談談。”若他繼續抽離，她就誤下判斷，以為他不想談話或不關心她。

I. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say "Let's talk." As he continues to pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn't want to talk or that he doesn't care for her.

 

　　二、女人開放分享更濃烈的親密感覺時，可能會引發男人抽離的需求。男人在警鈐聲響，告訴他以抽離保持平衡前，他能掌握的親密就是這麽多。在最親密的時刻，他可能會突然自動將需求轉移到自主與抽離。

2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man's need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away.

 

　　女人因常說或做些引發他抽離的事而感到迷惑，通常女人有感而發時，男人就會有抽離的衝動，因為女人的有感而發會使男人與她更親密，他卻因太親密而萌生自動抽離的念頭。

It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about thing with feeling a man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and when a man gets too dose he automatically pulls away. 

 

並不是他不想聽她的感覺，如果換個周期時間，他需要親近時，同樣的感覺可能會讓他和她更親近，所以引發他抽離的不是她說“什麽”，而是她“何時”說。

It is not that he doesn't want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

 

 

女人受傷的心

WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN

男人抽離時，就不適合和他說話或試圖親近他，過段時間後他會回來，他會更有愛心，更支持你，好像沒發生什麽事似的，這個時候才是講話的時候。

When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk.

 

在男人想要親密和談話的黃金時刻，女人常常不能主動交談，這情形通常有三個原因：

At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, women generally don't initiate conversations. This occurs for these three common reasons:

 

　　一、女人害怕交談，因為上次她想談話時，他抽離了。她誤以為他不在乎、不想聽。

　　二、女人害怕男人會因她而難過，她等待他主動談他的感覺。她知道，如果他突然抽離她，在恢複以前，她需要談出一些結果。她等待他主動談讓他難過的原因，但他不會去談他的難過感覺，因為他根本不覺得難過。

三、女人有許多話要說，但她不要表現出無禮，隻要一開始談話，為了有禮，她不談白自己的想法和感覺，反而錯誤地問他的想法和感覺。如果他沒什麽可說，她就以為他不想和她交談。

I. A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She mistakenly assumes that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to listen.

2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn't need to talk about his upset feelings because he is not upset.

3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn't want to be rude and just begin talking. To be polite, instead of talking about ber own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to say, she concludes he doesn't want to have a conversation with her.

女人有了這些誤認男人為何不說話的錯誤信念，她會因男人而沮喪就一點也不足為奇了。

With all of these incorrect beliefs about why a man is not talking, it is no wonder that women are frustrated with men.

 

 

如何讓男人說話

NOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK

 

女人想要說話或希望更親近時，應該主動，不要期待男人會挑起話題。要主動交談，就算他沒什麽話說，她也得先分享。隻要她表示出感謝他的傾聽，他就會有比較多的話說。

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not expect a man to initiate the conversation. To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening, gradually he will have more to say.

 

男人其實可以很開放的和女人交談，但女人不知道男人談話是需要有理由的，他們不會隻為單純的分享而談話，隻要女人開了頭，男人也會開放分享她所談的事和他的關係。譬如，如果她談這一天碰到的困難，他可能也會分享他這一天所碰到的困難，如果她談對孩子的感覺，他可能也會談對孩子的感覺。如果她保持開放，他沒有感受到責備或壓力，他也會逐漸開放。

A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. What women don't know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don't talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open up and share how he relates to what she has shared. For example, if she talks about some of her difficulties during the day he may share some of the difficulties of his day so that they can understand each other. If she talks about her feelings about the kids, he may then talk about his feelings about the kids. As she opens up and he doesn't feel blamed or pressured, then he gradually begins to open up.

 

 

別勉強男人說話

Now Wa~ Pressure Men to Talk

 

女人在分享她的想法時，通常也會激發男人說話，但他如果覺得自已是被要求說話，他心裏就會覺得無話可說，就算有話要說，他也會反抗，因為他覺得她是在要求他。女人要求男人說話，其實就是在不知不覺間以詢問的態度趕走他，尤其是在他覺得不需要說話時更是如此。女人常誤以為男人“需要說話”，所以他們“應該說”，她忘了他從不認為自己應該說太多話。

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has something to say he will resist because he feels her demand. It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn't feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly assumes that a man "needs to talk" and therefore "should." She forgets that he is from Mars and doesn't feel the need to talk as much.

 

她甚至覺得他不說話就是不愛她，可是男人要覺得對方肯接受他的方式，他才會開放。當她要他多說話或對他的抽離生氣時，他會覺得自己沒有被接受。一個在學習分享與開放之前需要多次抽離的男人，當務之急是多傾聽。你要先感謝他的傾聽，他才能漸漸開尊口。

She even feels that unless he talks, he doesn't love hen To reject a man for not talking is to ensure that he has nothing to say. A man needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he will gradually open up. He does not feel accepted when she wants him to talk more or resents him for pulling away.

 

女人愈試著讓男人說話，男人就愈反抗。直接試著讓他說話不是最好的方法，尤其是他正想要抽離時，比較合適讓他開口的問題可能是：“我該怎麽和你達成更好的親密、交談和溝通方式？”

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. Directly trying to get him to talk is not the best approach, especially if he is stretching away. Instead of wondering how she can get him to talk a better question might be "How can I achieve greater intimacy, conversation, and communication with my partner?

 

如果女人覺得在兩性關係上彼此應多談話，那麽她可以主動多交談，但一定要理智地接受他有時可交談，有時會自自然地抽離的狀況。

If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, and most women do, then she can initiate more conversation but with a mature awareness that not only accepts but also expects that sometimes he will be available and at other times he will instinctively pull away.

 

當他願意談時，她可以讓他知道，即使他隻是聽，她也很感激。不要問他許多問題或要求他開口，甚至在開始時，她可以主動要求他不需要說話。

When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should even discourage him from talking.

 

譬如瑪姬可以說：“傑夫，你可不可以聽我說一會兒？我想談談今天的不順利，好讓心裏好過一點。”瑪姬談了數分鍾後可稍做停頓，然後再說：“很感謝你聽我訴苦，這對我意義重大。”這份感激會更鼓舞男人願意傾聽。

For example, Maggie could say "jeff, would you listen to me for a while? I've had a hard day and I want to talk about it. It will make me feel much better." After Maggie talked for a couple of minutes then she could pause and say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me." This appreciation encourages a man to listen more.

 

如果沒有得到感激與鼓舞，他可能會失去傾聽的興趣，因為他覺得自己隻“聽”“無法做”。可是他不知道他的傾聽對她而言多有價值，大多數女人都直覺的知道傾聽的重要性，要男人未經訓練就知道傾聽的重要，就等於要他像個女人;然而幸運的是，男人知道女人感激他的傾聽後，他就學到了尊重談話的價值。

Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though his "listening" is "doing nothing." He doesn't realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most women, however, instinctively know how important listening is. To expect a man to know this without some training is to expect him to be like a woman. Fortunately, after being appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking.

 

 

 

男人不說話時

WHEN A MAN WON'T TALK

 

珊蒂與勞瑞結婚二十年。珊蒂要離婚，勞瑞卻不願婚姻破滅。

Sandra and Larry had been married for twenty years. Sandra wanted a divorce and Larry wanted to make things work.

 

珊蒂說：“他怎能說要維持婚姻？他不愛我。他沒感覺。我需要他講話時，他走得遠遠的。他冷漠又沒心肝。二十年來他壓抑他的感覺，我不願原諒他，我不要這婚姻了，我疲於嚐試讓他開放，我疲於與他分享感覺、疲於不斷受傷害。”

She said, "How can he say he wants to stay married? He doesn't love me. He doesn't feel anything. He walks away when I need him to talk. He is cold and heartless. For twenty years he has withheld his feelings. I am not willing to forgive him. I will not stay in this marriage. I am too tired of trying to get him to open up and share his feelings and be vulnerable."

 

珊蒂不知道她也造成了他們的問題，她以為都是丈夫的錯，她以為她盡力促進兩人的親密、交談、溝通，而他卻反抗了二十年。

Sandra didn't know how she had contributed to their problems. She thought it was all her husband's fault. She thought she had done everything to promote intimacy, conversation, and communication, and he had resisted her for twenty years.

 

在研討會聽到男人和橡皮筋的比喻後，她就淚如泉湧地原諒了丈夫。她知道“他的”問題是“他們的”問題，她也知道是她促成了他們之間的問題。

After hearing about men and rubber bands in the seminar, she burst into tears of forgiveness for her husband. She realized that "his" problem was "their" problem. She recognized how she had contributed to their problem.

 

她說：“我記得剛結婚那年，我很開放地談自己的感覺，但他卻走開，我想那表示他不愛我，屢試不爽後，我放棄了，我不願再受傷害。我知道在某時候他會聽我的感覺，但我沒給他機會，我想停止受傷害，因此我總要求他在我開放之前就先開放。”

She said, "I remember in our first year of marriage I would open up, talk about my feelings, and he would just walk away. I thought he didn't love me. After that happened a few times, I gave up. I was not willing to be hurt again. I did not know that at another time he would be able to listen to my feelings. I didn't give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. I wanted him to open up before I would."

 

 

唱獨角戲無濟於事

One‑sided Conversations

 

珊蒂往往在唱獨角戲，她試圖以問一連串問題來引他說話，卻在還沒分享她要談的事情以前，就因他的簡短回答而氣餒，終至等到她分享自己的感覺時，他卻依然故我。她難過他從來沒有開放、付出愛與分享過。

Sandra's conversations were generally one‑sided. She would try to get him to talk first by asking him a string of questions. Then, before she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers. When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was not open, loving, and sharing.

 

唱獨角戲可能像這樣：

A one‑sided conversation might go like this:

 

珊蒂：今天好不好？

SANDRA:                 How was your day?

勞瑞：還好。

LARRY:                    OK.

珊蒂：有什麽事？

SANDRA:                 What happened?

勞瑞：像平常一樣。

LARRY*                   The usual.

珊蒂：這周末你想做什麽？

SANDRA:                 What do you feel like doing this weekend?

勞瑞：我無所謂，你想做什麽？

LARRY.                    I don't care. What do you want to do?

珊蒂：要不要請朋友來家裏？

SANDRA:                 Do you want to invite our friends over?

勞瑞：我不知道……你知道電視節目表在哪裏？

LARRY:                                I don't know      Do you know where the TV schedule is?

珊蒂：(難過)你為什麽不跟我講話？

SANDRA:                 (upset) Why don't you talk to me?

勞瑞：(不知所措、沉默。)

~M               (Stunned and silent.)

珊蒂：你愛我嗎？

SANDRA:                 Do you love me?

勞瑞：我當然愛你，我娶了你。

LARRY.                    Of course I love you. I married you.

　　珊蒂：你算是愛我嗎？我們從來沒有暢所欲言。你怎能不吭一聲隻坐在那裏。你無所謂嗎？

SANDRA:                 How could you love me? We never talk anymore. How can you just sit there and say nothing. Don't you care?

 

勞瑞會為此起身去走一走，回來後，裝作什麽事也沒發生過，珊蒂表麵上風平浪靜，內心卻掏空了愛與溫暖，她盡力表現愛，內心的憤恨卻一直在增加。有時憤恨達到沸騰時，她會再唱獨角戲詢問丈夫的感覺。二十年來，她證明了他不愛她，她再也不願被剝奪她應有的親密。

At this point, Larry would get up and go for a walk. When he came back he would act as though nothing had happened. Sandra would also act as though everything was fine, but inside she would withdraw her love and warmth. On the surface she would try to be loving, but on the inside her resentment increased. From time to time it would boil up and she would begin another one‑sided interrogation of her husband's feelings. After twenty years of gathering evidence that he did not love her, she was no longer willing to be deprived of intimacy.

 

 

讓男人成為好聽眾

Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to Change

 

研討會上珊蒂說：“二十年來，我試著讓他說話，要他開放、柔軟，我不知道我錯失的是一個“支持”我開放、柔軟的男人。這才是我要的男人。這個周末我和丈夫分享了過去二十年從來沒有過的親密感覺。我深深被愛，卻一直不知，過去我一直認為他應該改變，現在我知道他和我都沒錯，我們隻是不知道該如何互相支持而已。”

At the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. I wanted him to open up and be vulnerable. I didn't realize that what I was missing was a man who would support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years. I feel so loved. This is what I have been missing. I thought he had to change. Now I know nothing is wrong with him or me. We just didn't know how to support each other."

 

珊蒂過去總是抱怨勞瑞不說話，她相信是因他的沉默才使他們無法親近。在研討會裏她學習分享感覺，不期待也不要求勞瑞回報；學習以感激取代拒絕他的沈默。因為如此，他漸漸成了一個好聽眾。

Sandra had always complained that Larry didn't talk. She had convinced herself that his silence made intimacy impossible. At the serninar she learned to share her feelings without expecting or demanding Larry to reciprocate. Instead of rejecting his silence she learned to appreciate it. It made him a better listener.

 

勞瑞學到傾聽的藝術，他在傾聽時盡量不給意見。教男人傾聽比教他開放廣納意見更有效果。當他學習傾聽他所關心的人，並得到感激的回報後，會逐漸開放自動分享。當男人因傾聽受感激，不因沒有多分享而遭拒絕時，他會逐漸開放；他若覺得不需要交談時，便不會再多談。

Larry learned the art of listening. He practiced listening without trying to fix her. It is much more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to listen to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share more automatically.When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn't feel rejected for not sharing more, he will gradually begin to open up. When he feels as though he doesn't have to talk more, then naturally he will. But first he needs to feel accepted. If she is still frustrated by his silence she is forgetting that men are from Mars!

 

 

男人不抽離時

WHEN A MAN DOESN'T PULL AWAY

 

麗莎和吉米結婚兩年，如膠似漆，從不分離。一段時間後，吉米變得性急、被動、憂鬱和情緒化。

Lisa and Jim had been married for two years. They did everything together. They were never apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental.

 

在一個私人谘詢課程裏，麗莎告訴我：“和他在一起沒有樂趣了，我盡力取悅他，卻徒勞無功。我要和他一起做些有趣的事，像是一起去餐館、采購、旅行、遊玩、聚會、跳舞等，但他都不要。我們不再同心共事了，隻是看電視、吃、睡、工作。我試著愛他，卻惹了一肚子火。他過去一向　　很迷人、很有情調，現在卻像個懶蟲。我不知該怎麽辦？他一點也不相心改變。”

In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. I have tried everything to cheer him up, but it doesn't work. I want to do fun things together, like going to restaurants, shopping, traveling, going to plays, parties, and dancing, but he doesn't. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and work. I try to love him, but I am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with him now is like living with a slug. I don't know what to do. He just won't budge!"

 

知道了男人的親密周期後(橡皮筋理論)，麗莎和吉米同時了解了問題症結。他們過於膩在一起，他們需要適度的分離。

After learning about the male intimacy cycle‑the rubber band theory‑both Lisa and Jim realized what had happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to spend more time apart.

 

當男人過於親近沒有抽離時，常見的症狀就是情緒化、性急、消極和防衛。吉米沒學過該如何抽離，而獨處令他有愧疚感，他以為應該要與妻子分享每一件事。

When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife.

 

麗莎也以為他們應該一起做任何事。谘詢時，我問麗莎為什麽花這麽多時間和吉米相處。她說：“我怕我做其他有趣的事，他若不參與可能會難過。有一次我去采購，他對我很生氣。”

Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together. In counseling I asked Lisa why she had spent so much time with Jim.

 

吉米說：“我記得那天，但我不是對你生氣，我是難過在生意上損失了一筆錢。我確實記得那天，因為我那天因能獨享全屋子而高興，但我不敢告訴你，怕傷了你的心。”麗莎說：“我以為你不願意我拋下你獨自出去，那天你看來好冷淡。”

She said, "I was afraid he would get upset if I did anything fun without him. One time I went shopping and he got really upset with me."

Jim said, "I remember that day. But I wasn't upset with you. I was upset about losing some money in a Business deal. I actually remember that day because I remember noticing how good I felt having the whole house to myself. I didn't dare tell you that because I thought it would hurt your feelings."

Lisa said, "I thought you didn't want me to go out without you. You seemed so distant."

 

 

學習更加獨立

Becoming More Independent

 

有了這個認識後，麗莎就不需太擔心吉米。吉米的抽離也可幫助她更加獨立自主，她開始多照顧自己，多從女伴那裏得到支持。

With this new awareness, Lisa got the permission she needed not to worry so much about Jim. Jim pulling away actually helped her become more autonomous and independent. She started taking better care of herself. As she started doing the things she wanted to do and ~g more Support from her girlfriends she was much happier,

 

她過去把憤怒發泄在吉米身上，因為她對他期望過度，聽了橡皮筋理論後她才知道，在他們的問題中她也有責任，她知道他需要更多時間獨處。她想放棄愛情的念頭不但妨礙他的抽離與彈回，她的倚賴也讓他透不過氣。

She released her resentment toward Jim. She realized that she had been expecting too much from him. Having beard about the rubber band she realized how she was contributing to their problem. She realized that he needed more time to be alone. Her loving sacrifices were not only preventing him from pulling away and then springing back but her dependent attitude was also smothering him.

 

麗莎開始獨自做過去想做卻一直沒有做的有趣事情。晚上有時和女朋友共聚晚餐，有時出去玩一玩，有時則去參加宴會等等。

Lisa started doing fun things without Jim. She did some of the things that she had been wanting to do. One night she went out to cat with some girlfriends. Another night she went to a play. Another night she went to a birthday bowling party.

 

最令她驚訝的是，她和吉米的關係改變了。吉米比以前更注意她，也對她更有興趣，幾個禮拜後，吉米山自動彈回了，他想和她共同做一些有趣的事，計畫約會，他的動力又全部回來了。

What amazed her was how quickly their relationship changed. Jim became much more attentive and interested in het Within a couple of weeks, Jim started to come back to his old self again. He was wanting to do fun things with her and started planning dates. He got his motivation back.

 

在谘詢時他說：“我覺得很輕鬆，身心充滿了愛......麗莎回來時，很高興看到我，她出門後，對她的懷念讓我如在初戀，這種初戀的感覺是我早就忘記的。麗莎過去總試著讓我做些事、指使我或問我問題。”

In counseling he said, "I feel so relieved. I feel loved ... when Lisa comes Home she is happy to see me. It feels so good to miss ber when she is gone. It feels good to 'feel' again. I had almost forgotten what it was like. Before it seemed like nothing I did was good enough. Lisa was always trying to get me to do things, telling me what to do and asking me questions."

 

麗莎說：“我知道我因自己的不快樂而責罵他。當我為自己的快樂負責時，便體會了吉米的活力，這真像個奇跡。”

Lisa said, "I realized I was blaming him for my unhappiness. As I took responsibility for my Happiness, I experienced that Jim was more energetic and alive. It's like a miracle. "

 

 

妨礙親密周期的行為

OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE

 

女人可能會在不知不覺間以兩種方式妨礙了男人的自然親密周期(一)他抽離時，捕捉他；(二)處罰他的抽離。

There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner's natural intimacy cycle. They are: (I) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.

以下是女人常用的捕捉方式：

The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him from pulling away:

 

捕捉行為

CHASING BEHAVIORS

　　1.身體上：

I. Physical

當他抽離時，她形影追隨。他可能會走到另一個房間，她也尾隨其後。或如麗莎和吉米的例子，為了和他在一起，她放棄自己想做的事。

When he pulls away, she physically follows hirn. He may walk into another room and she follows. Or as in the example of Lisa and Jim, she does not do the things she wants to do so that she can be with her partner.

 

2.情感上：

2. Emotional

他抽離時，她的同情隨他而去，她擔心他，想幫助他舒服些。

When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about hirn. She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise.

另一個她可能會感情用事阻止他抽離的方法是，否定他獨處的需要。透過否定，她也感情用事的把他拉回來。

Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back.

另一個方式是當他抽離時，有意或無意地去傷害他或以渴望的眼神望著他。她懇求他的親密，但卻覺得自己被控製。

Another approach is to look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way she pleads for his intimacy and he feels controlled.

 

3.精神上：

3. Mental

 

她可能會以引起愧疚感的問題試著拉他回來，像是：“你怎能這樣對待我？”或“你出了什麽錯？”或“難道你不知道你棄我不顧時，我被傷得有多深嗎？”

She may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilty‑inducing questions such as "How could you treat me this way?" or "What's wrong with you?" or "Don't you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away?"

另一個將他拉回的方式是讚美他。她變得肚量奇大，也試著讓自己十全十美，好讓他沒理由抽離。她放棄自己，試圖成為他想要的樣子。

Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please hirn. She becomes overly accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants.

她怕他會離去，所以克製自己的真實感覺，以免使他難過。

She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset him.

女人可能在不知不覺間阻礙男人親密周期的第二個方法是，處罰他的抽離，以下是女人“處罰男人”及阻止他回來向她開放的常見方式。

The second major way a woman may unknowingly interrupt a man's intimacy cycle is to punish him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "punishes a man" and prevents him from coming back and opening up to her:

 

處罰行為

PUNISHING BEHAVIORS

 

　　1.身體上：

I. Physical

他再度渴望她時，她拒絕他。她推拒了他的肉體之愛，拒絕他的性要求，不允許他碰她或親近她。她可能藉著打他或摔東西來表現不高興的情緒。當男人因抽離被處罰時，他再也不敢重蹈覆轍。這種恐懼使他以後不敢抽離，他的自然周期被破壞了，因此產生憎恨情緒而阻礙了他的親密欲望，所以當他再度抽離時，很可能再也不回來。

When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection. She may reject him sexually She doesn't allow him to touch her or be dose. She may hit him or break things in order to show her displeasure. When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken. It may also create an anger that blocks him from feeling his desire for intimacy He may not come back when he has pulled away.

 

2.情感上：

2. Emotional

他回來後，她不高興的責備他，不能原諒他忽略她，因為無法取悅她或使她高興，所以覺得沒有能力滿足她，因此隻好放棄。或者他回來後，她藉由聲調、語言來諷刺他，用傷害的方式對待他。

When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling her and gives up.

When he returns, she expresses her disapproval through words, tone of voice, and by looking at her partner in a certain wounded way.

 

3.精神上：

3. Mental

他回來後，她拒絕開放分享她的感覺。她既冷漠又生氣他的抽離。她不再信任他的關心，也不讓他能因傾聽當個“好”男人來處罰他。他快樂的回到她身邊，但卻如身陷犬舍一般。

When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents him for not opening up and talking. She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen and be the "good" guy. When he happily returns to her, he is in the doghouse.

男人如因抽離而遭到處罰，他可能會害怕再次抽離可能她就不愛他了。他會覺得如果抽離就不值得她再愛他；他也害怕再去尋找她的愛，因他已覺得自己不值得被愛，他認為會被拒絕。被拒絕的恐懼使他在洞穴裏遲遲不敢出來。

When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy; he assumes he will be rejected. This fear of rejection prevents him from coming back from his journey into the cave.

 

 

過去如何影響他的親密周期

NOW A MAN'S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLE

 

男人的自然周期有的在童年時就受到阻礙，可能因目睹母親否定父親的情感疏離，致使他長大後，也不敢抽離，這樣的男人很可能誤認自己不需要抽離，因此便由自然地發展了他女性陰柔的一麵，但卻壓抑了男性的氣概。他變得很敏感，極力嚐試討好別人與愛別人，卻遺失了男子氣概。抽離使他覺得愧疚，他糊裏糊塗地失去了欲望、力量、熱情，變得消極、過度倚賴。也有可能害怕進入洞穴獨處，因為內心深處害怕失去愛而以為自己不喜歡獨處。

This natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood. He may be afraid to pull away because he witnessed his mother's disapproval of h's father's emotional distancing. Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away. He may unconsciously create arguments to justify pulling away.

This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of suppressing some of his masculine power. He is a sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away. Without knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion; he becomes passive or overly dependent.

He may be afraid to be alone or to go into his cave. He may think he doesn't like being alone because deep inside he is afraid of losing love. He has already experienced 'n childhood his mother rejecting his father or directly rejecting him.

 

另有一些男人是不知該如何親近，他很有男子氣概，抽離對他而言不是問題，隻是抽離後他日不來，也無法開放。他內心深處害怕自己不值得被愛、害怕別人太親近他、太照顧他，他想像不出如果親近別人，別人會如何喜歡他。這兩種陰柔陽剛的男人都失去了他們中自然親密周期的積極景象或經驗。

While some men don't know how to pull away, others don't know how to get close. The macho man has no problem pulling away. He just can't come back and open up. Deep inside he may be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle.

 

不管男女，了解男人的親密周期都十分重要。當男人抽離和彈回時，有些人因需把時間花在洞穴裏而感覺愧疚，有些人則會更迷惑，他們可能誤以為出自己出了什麽錯才惹得配偶不滿的對待，了解男人的親密周期可使男女雙方都得到鬆懈。

 

 

聰明的配合之道

WISE MEN AND WOMEN

 

男人通常不知道他們的突然離去和回來，對女人會造成什麽樣的影響，但是知道之後，他也就了解愉快地聽女人說話有多重要，當他不抽離時，他會主動問她的感覺以挑起話題。

Men generally don't realize how their suddenly pulling away and then later returning affects women. With this new insight about how women are affected by his intimacy cycle, a man can recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. He understands and respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his female partner how she is feeling.

 

他漸漸明白了自己的周期，也會向她保證抽離後一定會自動彈回來，他可能會說：“我需要一些時間獨處，然後再找時間和你好好相聚。”或者在她講話時，他開始想抽離，可能會說：“我需要一點時間想想這個問題，以後再說，好不好？”

He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back. He might say "I need some time to be alone and then we will have some special time together with no distractions." Or if he starts to pull away while she is talking he might say "I need some time to think about this and then we can talk again."

 

男人會漸漸明白自己的周期，也會向她保證抽離後一定會自動回來。

 

他結束抽離，回來和配偶談話時，她可能會試探他為何離去，如果他常常不確定自己離開的原因，可能就會說：“我不確定，我隻是想自己靜一靜，不過現在我們可以繼續談了。”

When he returns to talk, she might probe him to understand why he left. If he's not sure, which is many times the case, he might say "I'm not sure. I just needed some time to myself. But let's continue our conversation."

 

他在不抽離的時候則更清楚她需要的是傾聽。傾聽也幫助了他了解在交談時他想分享些什麽。

He is more aware that she needs to be heard and he needs to listen more when he is not pulling away. In addition, he knows that lis telling helps him to become aware of what he wants to share in a conversation.

 

聰明的女人在挑起話題時，會記得別要求男人談話，隻要他傾聽就好了。隻要她的重點改變，他就得以輕鬆，她隻要學習開放分享感覺，而不需要求他也說話。

To initiate a conversation the wise woman learns not to demand that a man talk but asks that he truly listen to her. As her emphasis changes, the pressure on him is released. She learns to open up and share her feelings without demanding that he do the same.

 

　　聰明的女人相信他一旦覺得被接受而又聽她說話時，他會逐漸開放；她不處罰他，也不追捕他；她也了解有時候她的親密感覺會使他抽離，但有時候(當他在回程上時)他也很能傾聽她表達親密的感覺。聰明的女人不會輕易放棄，她會用耐心與愛心堅定持續女人們少見的警覺。

She trusts that he will gradually open up more as he feels accepted and listens to her feelings. She does not punish him or chase after him. She understands that sometimes her intimate feelings trigger his need to pull away while at other times (when he is on his way back) he is quite capable of hearing her intimate feelings. This wise woman does not give up. She patiently and lovingly persists with a knowing that few women have.